This situation is not a one-day thing. Most of the time, in the face of Dad's accusations and criticism, you remain silent, Dad sometimes tone a bit fierce, you are very aggrieved, tears in the eyes of the spinning. So you put down your chopsticks and simply stopped eating. Mom couldn't stand it, so she said to Dad, "Can't you stop talking? I've never seen anyone like you." She tried to keep her tone calm, but Dad caught her suppressed indignation, and the table quickly turned on Mom, "It's all your fault, you're not a good teacher!" Neither my two sisters nor I dared to interrupt - another not-so-pleasant meal. I have been used to seeing such scenes for several years, I did not expect that, when you went out to work, the war without smoke at the dinner table still continued. I don't know if it's his patriarchal mindset at work, so he's always been prejudiced against the three of you. On the contrary, sometimes I find it strange that in my youth, there was no so-called rebellious period. Every time I see Dad and you arguing, I feel bad in my heart, but I don't dare to talk about him directly. Sis, after you angrily left the dinner table, none of the three of us went to comfort you. Mom would only sigh and nag Dad again. It seemed that each of us was harboring words in our hearts that we couldn't say openly and honestly, so we all remained silent and helpless, waiting for things to slowly return to normal.
Every family has its own difficult scripture, but this scripture in our family is too disturbing. Many times, I dare not mention the situation at home with others, classmates are very envious of me, said every time we go to our home feel very harmonious, but our most embarrassing situation they can not see. Dad sometimes can't tell the difference between occasions. Once a classmate came to the house, you went to pour water to make tea when you accidentally spilled, the water wet the coffee table, Dad glared at you and scolded: "no long eyes ah you!" The atmosphere in the living room immediately became very awkward, my classmates sitting on the sofa, scared, did not dare to speak. Sister, I remember you did not say anything at that time, heavily put down the kettle, and turned to walk away.
Mom would get upset over the family? These things are so sad that she cried, she scolded Dad, scolded him how he is still this kind of behavior, when I was a child did not have time to help bring up the child even if, and now the child is grown up, do not treat them well at all. Of course, mom's subtext excluded me, because everyone knows that dad loves me the most, even though he doesn't say it on his lips and rarely shows it. Honestly, sometimes I envy other people's families, they seldom have conflicts, harmony, togetherness. But until the last few years, Dad would sometimes hit his sister when he got angry, and my sister, not being an easy target, would fight back indignantly when she was scolded or hit by Dad. But the more they fought back, the worse Dad's attitude became.
Sister Lin Peiyuan (2) Mom was often so angry with him that she cried, I could not stand it, so I loudly ordered them to shut up.
The atmosphere at home was like a rising and falling tide that washed away the calm sandy beaches without a second thought.
It was only in the last few years that things got better. We have all grown up, and I have the courage to correct my father directly when I don't like what I see. Sister, you work outside these years, Dad changed a lot, you did not leave the family before, he is just too grumpy, do not know how to take care of your feelings. In fact, he still misses you in his bones. When mom called you, he sat quietly and listened. After the call, he asked mom how you were doing. Later, when you called home, he would pick up the phone and exchange pleasantries with you. Dad is an introverted person, a lot of things are hidden in the heart not to say, no matter how hard the days are, he can keep silent, like a hard-working cow. When Mom was in a good mood, she would joke that Dad had no redeeming qualities other than hard work and endurance.
But we all know that Dad still loves us, after all, the heart of the hand are meat.
Sister, I think you must still remember the aunt came to the house, took you to Shenzhen to work, right? I'll never forget it, and it was the first time I've ever had a quiet tear in my eye because of your sudden departure. That Spring Festival, my aunt's family went back home for the New Year, and saw that our family was in such a tight financial situation, so she discussed with my parents and said that you were not good at school anyway, and you didn't go to a major high school, so it would be better to come out and work earlier to ease the burden on the family. Then, she did not discuss with you, the next day, our family sat down to talk, she said, "such a family still study what it, go with me to Shenzhen, to help you find a job." Aunt is the only college student in our entire family who has gone out and seen the world, and is also a person of honor. Her words Mom and Dad listen to, we do the younger generation also respect her, she said one we dare not say two. The first thing you need to do is to get your hands on some of the most popular products and services in the world, and you'll be able to do it all in one place.
On that day, my older sister and I were very sad. Usually, we do not have any communication, even if the heart can not hold back the secret must be said, but also to their respective dead friends to talk about, never thought of one day, so a sudden thing will touch each other's heart, I saw the little sister cried, the big sister pursed lips do not say anything. Sister, I followed you upstairs when you went to pack up your things, and saw you squatting on the floor, opening the drawer under the closet, taking out the clothes one by one, folding them, and putting them into the suitcase. Your back is so thin, the sun shines through the window and falls on you. I admit that for a moment, I wet my eyes, but I did not dare to cry out, I turned around, sitting on the stairway, quietly wiping tears.
I still remember very clearly, you touched my little sister's head and said, "Don't worry, when my sister earns money to buy you nice clothes." At that moment, I heart so hard, can not afford you so early into society, but there is no way, who called our family is this situation? Sister, I guessed from your tone, you heart is also as difficult as me, but you are the eldest sister, you can not show a trace of weakness, so you have to force a smile, only to pretend to be strong.
These, I understand. I did not expect that so soon a few years have passed, sister, you realized the promise made at the beginning of the morning. You gave me and my sister bought a lot of clothes, every time I go to you, you will ask me, in the school clothes enough to wear, eat well, or ask me, enough money. Sister, the things you said and the good things you did for me, I have silently remembered in my heart. Thinking about all this, I can't help but cry as I write this. Alone on the computer, behind the back of the roommate, silent tears.
Sister Lin Peiyuan (3) In your first year, you worked as a shelf clerk in a shopping mall run by your aunt and a joint venture. It was winter, and you had to get up at 6:00 in the morning to help pick up the goods and put out the vegetables and fruits and so on. It was so cold that you got frostbite on your hands. It was your first job and the pay was not high. My aunt and her husband were too busy to take care of you. My aunt said that she should let you have a good workout, so you held some pain in your heart and didn't talk to her. At that time, you would call home as soon as you were free. You didn't have money to buy a cell phone, so you had to call a pay phone. Most of the time, it was mom who answered the phone, and we listened on the side. You talked a lot, about the grievances of your job and the harshness of your boss at the mall. Sometimes you cried as you talked, and mom couldn't help but wipe her tears. After hanging up the phone, the atmosphere in the room was very depressing. Mom's heart is in the right place, in a fit of pique, she took it upon herself to ask you to come home, Dad didn't say anything, Mom thought for a second, and then she felt sorry for herself, "Who asked us to be useless, we can't give our children a better day to live." The company's main goal is to provide the best possible service to its customers," he said. "I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do that," he said.
Then, a year passed quickly. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to get the best out of this, but I'm sure you'll be able to get the best out of it, and I'm sure you'll be able to get the best out of it, and I'm sure you'll be able to get the best out of it, and I'm sure you'll be able to get the best out of it. I don't know what you said this sentence, what is in your heart, at least I heard, the heart is very difficult, thinking sister you just go out to work how long ah, their own usual salary also need to spend a little bit of money, but also want to help me advance tuition. I told you on the phone: "Sister, no, Mom and Dad have money to pay my tuition."
When I was in my first year of high school, you had a boyfriend. The first time I saw him, I was still in the middle of my summer vacation, and he came back to my hometown, and then he came to the city to see me the next day. At that time, I just used a cell phone, or you paid to help me buy. The school does not allow outsiders to come in during school hours, so after school, I rushed to the school gate with my backpack, the mood can really be described as "can't wait", you and he stood side by side in front of the school gate, swarming out of the classmates almost drowned out your silhouette, but I still recognized you at once. I was so happy to see you after such a long time. When I saw my boyfriend standing beside you, he smiled at me and I thought to myself, "He must be a good guy, or else why would you look at him? Sister, you look so good, my classmates looked at me curiously when they passed by, so I said proudly, "This is my sister."
In January 2007, I was still in my third year of high school, and I was living an intense and busy life of revision. The night I learned that I had been selected as a finalist in the New Concept Essay Contest, I was so excited that I told my few friends about the news. At first, I went behind my family's back to submit, I did not expect to really enter, but after the excitement, I was worried about the problem, I do not know parents can afford to pay for me to go to Shanghai, so I gave you a phone call, incoherently said a whole lot, you listen to seem to understand. I remember when you read high school also like to read, so I put Han Han and Guo Jingming's name out, you suddenly realized that the importance of this competition, so you said: "No matter what, sister support you."
I heard, I do not know how touched in my heart.
Sister Lin Peiyuan (4) In February, I went to Shanghai to participate in the "New Concept Composition Competition" rematch, and had to change planes in Shenzhen. At that time, you do not work in the original shopping mall, found another job, in the Rainbow clothing counter as a salesman. I was in Shenzhen, staying at my aunt's house. Shenzhen, living in my aunt's house, the day before I left for Shanghai, I took the bus to Rainbow to find you. You let a colleague take over the shift and accompany me to buy clothes, you said I have to go out to see the world, can not wear too old-fashioned. If I remember correctly, that was the first time we went shopping together. We strolled through the East Gate of the Sun Plaza, and then you said you wanted to help me buy a thick coat, Shanghai is too cold will be cold, so we took the subway to go to Luohu, you said that a friend opened a store there, will be cheaper to sell to us. Later, I wore the fleece coat you bought for me to go to Shanghai, before leaving, you stuffed me a few hundred dollars, I shrugged off that my aunt has given me enough money to spend, and dad also gave me some. But you still insisted that I accept, you said: "money with a little more, they are careful is, more money heart? More money in your heart." When I flew to Shanghai, I looked out of the window at the blue sky, and prayed silently in my heart, hoping that this trip, all the best.
I remember when I sat on the podium, after learning that I won the first prize, my excitement was overflowing, and then I called you to tell you the good news, on the phone, you were very happy, you said: "When you come back, I invite you to dinner to celebrate." I was on the other end of the phone, looking at the overcast sky of Shanghai, and smiled. I think my smile must be very warm, because for the first time I so truly touched the palm of the dream, very warm, very powerful.
You are in Shenzhen, changed a few jobs, slowly accumulated experience, and roommates rented a house to live outside. Although it took a long time to have the money to send back, but you can see, Dad heart is very pleased, just his mouth does not say. I think he finally realized that his daughter had grown up and was able to think of her parents. But mom doesn't think so, she doesn't let you send money home, she knows that you spend a lot of money in Shenzhen, so she always says to you on the phone, if you don't have a lot of money, don't send it back, and the family can hold out.
The year of my college entrance examination, by mistake, I did not get into CUHK, so many teachers and classmates disappointed at the same time, but also let you down. But when you called me, you could not hear any disappointment or blame, you said, "It's okay, it's the same wherever you go, the key is to have confidence in yourself." It was hard for me for a while. The summer after the college entrance examination, I was in Shenzhen, living in my aunt's house, I called the admissions office of CUHK to consult the score line, the admissions office told me that I was one point short of the key line, even if the first prize of the "New Concepts" can be added, there is no way. I held the phone, paralyzed on the sofa, crying, tears running down my cheeks, dripping on the sofa. On the other end of the phone, the admissions office kept talking, but I was too lazy to listen. Since childhood, it seems that everything has been smooth sailing, without encountering too much frustration, but at that moment, I really felt what is called reality, what is called cruelty, I heard the sound of the heart cracking. I don't dare to think, I can't get into the ideal university, will be among relatives and friends and classmates, what kind of eyes. I really don't dare to think about it.
Fortunately, there are you, there are you, never leave.
You see, a few years have passed, our growth is pulled by the time running, too fast to turn back.
Sister, you work outside, it is rare to return home once a year. I'm not sure how much I'm going to be able to do, but I'm sure I'm going to be able to do it, and I'm sure I'm going to be able to do it. Every time we have a reunion dinner, we hope you can come back, but at the end of the year, it is your busiest time, and it always takes a few days before you can come back. Every time you come home for New Year's Eve, you have a big bag, buy clothes for mom and dad, and bring gifts for the three of us. This dull home has become lively and warm because of your return. Dad's attitude towards you is very different from before. After all, time has changed, people's state of mind has changed, become calm, become simple.
Sister Lin Peiyuan (5) Our unfailing relationship with this family is something we have come to realize more y only after we have grown up slowly. Sister, for so many years, I have been studying hard, hoping to get out of work earlier, to share the burden for the family, to give mom and dad a better day. I know you've been working hard too, no matter if you work outside or do business, there are hard days, but no matter how hard the days are, you're always optimistic, every time you come home, you and I, as well as mom and my sister, stay in the living room and chat, only dad doesn't participate, after so many years, he's still used to silence. Sometimes we talked until two or three o'clock in the morning and were still excited, refusing to go to sleep. This is a situation that I have never imagined, I never thought that one day, a few of us will be so close, listening to each other's heart, in the cold winter night, or hot summer night, little by little, by each other to cut the closeness of the melt, we rely on each other, we will be able to banish all the cold in the world.
I think this is the power of blood relatives, seeped into the bone marrow, into the blood, and endless.
The first time I saw the movie was when I was a student at the University of California at Berkeley, and the second time I saw the movie was when I was a student at the University of California at Berkeley. Most of the time, you call me, told me to often call home, and ask for warmth, and told me to have time to go to Guangzhou, you have to give me soup, give me to do good. You said, I'm so thin, in the school food must not save, eat the most important, can not stay up too late at night, busy after the early bed. In fact, sister, you say these, I understand, just, I don't know how to tell you about college life. My freshman year, you and your boyfriend rented a house in Dongguan, I first took the bus to Dongguan to find you, simply can not believe that the two of you live in such a straitjacket life. The rented house is far from the city, very remote. House on a bedroom, a small living room, toilet and kitchen together, the whole house adds up to less than thirty square meters. It was still summer, there was no air conditioning in the house, the electric fan was hanging from the ceiling and blowing, but the house was as hot as a steamer, I couldn't sit for a while before I was drenched in sweat. Sister, I know you are afraid of my suffering, so you joked that now you have no money to live in the slums, and when you have money later, you will move to a better house to live. At that moment, my heart is sour, I do not dare to look at your eyes, but I clearly feel it, you can not tell the hard feelings in your eyes.
"Snail" days, you and he is still very happy. During the day to work, the evening free will take me around the walk, eat barbecue, or go shopping, you are always worried that I do not eat well, so every time I eat, all the best stuffed into my bowl to me to eat. Sister, I really want to say to you, no need to spoil me so much, I'm grown up, no longer a child, I can take care of myself. But I never said, I think, you will not let me say so, right?
In Dongguan, late at night, the three of us nestled in the house to watch horror movies on the computer. That computer, he bought, that time you just learned to surf the Internet, so download a lot of movies. When watching horror movies, you are the most timid, see the horror picture, always cover your eyes, like a child.
So, he also flirted with you and said, so love to watch horror movies, but still the most timid one.
At that moment, I saw him look at your eyes, with intimacy, and warmth, and you? Spit out his tongue, eyes sly.
Sister Lin Peiyuan (6) A year later, you got married. He was the same as always, the one who joined hands with you a few years ago. Now, he's going to hold your hand until he grows old. Sister, I still regret that I didn't go to your wedding. In the winter of 2008, I was busy studying for my final exams. You said that Zhanjiang was too far away and wouldn't let me go, so I foolishly listened to you - until now, I still regret it too much, wishing that I could turn back the clock so I could attend your wedding in person and see your happy smiling face when you were a bride. In the Spring Festival of 2009, you returned home, together with your brother-in-law. In the evening, our family sat in the living room, you took out the wedding DVD broadcast, our family, quietly staring at the TV set to see that not long after the wedding, to see you and brother-in-law's simple but cozy wedding, to see the laughter at the wedding banquet, to see the cave, the two of you by the crowd to tease the appearance of the laughs and laughter, a lot of many images just in front of my eyes swept past. Really? I cried at that moment. I think mom and dad and my sister were all the same, happy for you and at the same time feeling slightly sad. Especially mom, see the end, I turned my head, glimpsed her eyes with tears.
And Dad, I saw him, from the beginning to the end, with a light smile on his face, that was the first time I saw such a longing for intimacy in his face. Sister, do you think, Dad has put down his unassailable indifference?
Sister, that was also the first time I felt that a family's heart can be so close.
Sister, you see, without realizing it, we have spent so many long years together. The first time I saw this, I was able to see that the whole family had been together for a long time, and I was able to see that they had been together for a long time. Sister, remember last summer? Married, and brother-in-law moved away from Dongguan, looking for another way out, in Guangzhou, "thirteen rows" rented when the mouth of the sale of clothing, at the beginning of the time, what doorway is not, business is done half-baked. Weekend, I went to your place, because my brother-in-law had something to go home, so you let me and you early in the morning to open the stall. That was the first time I really got involved in your life. At 6:30 a.m., the sky was slightly light, after washing up, I went out to squeeze the bus. Guangzhou morning is very lively, we rode the rickety bus to your workplace. Once off the bus, the hustle and bustle and the dusty crowds, we packed a breakfast at a stall on the street, white porridge with vegetables, two dollars a - this is your daily breakfast. When we got to the stall, we opened the door, set up the goods, hung up the samples, and then we? re seated next to a small stall one square meter square, with white porridge, huffing and puffing. Sister, although I can't help much, I'm so relieved to see you working so hard, to see you becoming more and more light-hearted - and at the same time, so sad. Sometimes I hate myself for not being able to come out to work earlier, maybe I could have shared more for this family, and then, you wouldn't have worked so hard. But every time, we talked about this topic, you will caution me, "Now do not think about anything, just read your books, you can test well, get a scholarship, in school to win the appreciation of teachers and classmates, is the best return to the family."
Sister, what you said, I have silently remembered in my heart. So, I have also been in my heart, quietly telling myself, "You can not give up? Once you give up, you are the biggest sinner." Later, I won the first prize of "New Concepts", and then I wrote my first book, which was published after all, despite a lot of delays and twists. In July 2009, I called you to describe the spectacular scene at the book signing in Beijing, and you laughed happily and contentedly over the phone. You are always so protective of me, in the Internet to see other people on my bad evaluation, you will be indignant rebuttal, and later, you also put my book and book signing things written to the space, I went online to see, see a lot of your friends message, their blessing, their envy and encouragement. I think you must be as happy as I am, right?
Sister Lin Peiyuan (7) Sister, in a flash, I will graduate. From my freshman year to now, three years are going to pass as well. In one more year, I will graduate from this university, and I will embark on another journey in my life. You've been busy these past few years? You've been so busy with business that you haven't had the chance to come to school to see me many times. Do you remember what I told you? In any case, on the day of my graduation, when the graduation photos are taken, you and my brother-in-law must come, and I'll call my mom and dad. Sister, in fact, Dad is now more and more like a child, he often call me, ask me how I'm doing, tell me not to go to bed too late at night, take care of your health, said some family life, but I listen, not at all feel annoyed, really, sometimes hear Dad's voice, discreetly with a little bit of pain, so that I am immensely moved. I said to him, "The day I graduate, you guys have to come." On the other end of the phone, he said repeatedly, "Yes, definitely go." Sister, hope is never lost, right? I think, when I go to another crossroads in my life? When, there is your figure, and your blessing, and you, full of warmth and happy eyes.
When I wrote this text, I was a few times so sad that I could not help myself. I think, it is not pretentious, I just want you very much, very much want to say some words with you, say these years, how we came over, how we are in the road of life stumbled each other. We gaze firmly and sympathize with each other.
I remembered the poem written by Hai Zi, the last two lines of the poem y moved me:
Tonight I only have the beautiful Gobi Empty
Sister, tonight I don't care about human beings, I only think about you