Kwok Jingming "I love you, I love you" (prose, slightly longer)
I love you, I love you
Kwok Jingming
That night the sky thundered and the air was broken, and the whole city was out of fire. The heavy rain was only a punctuation mark, and we suddenly stood in the rain for a thousand years. You cried, you laughed. Our eyes were red.
I forgot when I started putting Faye Wong's records into my CD player every day, putting on my headphones and riding in silence through the desolate city where I grew up. There was a lot of heavy rain and a lot of hot sun in that city, and my turntable stayed with me year after year.
I didn't have any money at that time, and I felt happy to be able to listen to a CD player that cost a few hundred dollars. In many of the shade of the tree to drift off to sleep, in the ears of Faye Wong dreamily humming: what I have a premonition.
The years have gone by, from my hometown to the extravagant city of Shanghai, my old record player was left at home, as well as those whole boxes of records with mottled covers. My canvas bag was forgotten at school. I remember the year I graduated, I threw my bag from the fourth floor, and the backpack, which had been with me for three years, hung alone on a tree. I thought it would remain so lonely for years until one day the wind blew it down from the tree. I figured I'd go and maybe it would stay. I turned and walked away without looking back, my heart clicking and breaking one hard string after another.
It's good to hear Faye Wong anywhere. The good thing is that anywhere you can look up and see her face with a look of desire to speak. The good thing is that once you close your eyes, you can also hear her humming with a trance-like expression: I've seen a tsunami, but I haven't seen your smile.
I remember that at that time, Xiao Bei and I were inseparable every day, I listened to Faye Wong and she also listened. We used to swear to the sky more than once that we must save a lot of money, one day in the future we can go to listen to Faye Wong's concert, if it rains that day, we don't bring umbrellas, if there is a fire that day, we don't run away, we just stand quietly in the distance of a few hundred meters away from her, and watched her lose any words. Xiao Bei said will you cry? I said I don't think so, what's there to cry about for a big boy. Xiao Bei despised me and said she would definitely cry, she said: "I can't sing, I dare to sing Faye Wong's songs in the karaoke hall, even though I am laughed at every time, but I still have to sing". From that time I remembered Bei's face, the face that became extraordinarily real when she talked about Faye Wong.
It's been three years since then. The people who talked about gray hair together now even see black hair only once a year. Xiao Bei put on a low waist pants put on a little bit of delicate makeup, I dyed blonde hair with a silver ring. I can no longer recall how we wore our uniforms and kept our black hair for three silent summers under the tall camphor of the school. Inside the backpack were test papers with high and low scores. There were notebooks full of handwriting. Drinking bottles filled with water. The hot sun burned our faces. Those flushes were hidden pain, out in the morning and evening after the unreadable.
And now, every year during the winter vacation I returned from Shanghai she returned from Chengdu to the town where we graduated from high school, those memories I can no longer recall. I see her feel the knot in my throat a little tight. I've never dared to ask her if her life is going well because I'm afraid she'll say "no" to me.
So I never asked.
So she never said anything.
I have seen you bloom one after another heavy return. Along the road crazy years, indefinable trepidation and haste. Who waved his hand to point out the village on the left, who raised his arm to bury the pasture on the right. And it is here that I stand, dead still, seeing off a winter without snow and saying goodbye to a summer without rain. Year after year. The floating clouds have finally faded their obscure brows. I started to blush and look like a nymphomaniac.
Then I messaged Takeshi, because the last few times he kept messaging me asking me if I was going to this and that concert, Karen Mok, Stephen Chan, whatever. But every time I was out of town for a book signing. Strangely enough, for a month or two I flew to and from different cities almost every weekend, so much so that a few stewardesses at Hongqiao Airport recognized me. That was a bit unexpected. So I got back to Takeshi every time with a message saying no I can't make it back from out of town. Then needless to say I was mercilessly despised every week.
So this time I sent a message asking Wu Wang Fei's concert he went to when he obviously a little excited, he said, "Damn, you have time once in a while I smash pots and pans to go. I took the phone hahaha laugh. I think at most the grandstand tickets, and not to buy 1680 yuan of infield tickets, not so much as to smash pots and pans. Because I'd already heard that the infield tickets were sold out.
But I still underestimated Faye Wong's charisma, and Wu told me that the tickets for the outside are now also unavailable, and are probably all in the hands of scalpers. I was a bit dizzy when I saw the short message. Then I remembered that I know a senior sister in the Shanghai Grand Theater work, often get some elegant opera ah what tickets to me. I called her and she told me OKOK no problem. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do that, but I'm sure I'll be able to.
The next few weeks I was flying all over China. I flew as often as I took a taxi. So much so that I forgot that I had a book signing in Zhejiang on May 27th on my notice.
I called MM Zhao and told her that I had forgotten that I was going to have a book signing on the day of the Faye Wong concert, and that was the end of it. Zhao MM a burst of panic and said Wukong you do not scare me. I said I do not have the time to scare you ah I'm not kidding. Maybe I heard the pathos in my tone of voice component so Zhao MM believe. Then began and Zhejiang side of the planning to call to rearrange. In the end, they decided to drive from Zhejiang to Shanghai to pick me up, so that I can rest assured that after listening to the concert and then rushed to Zhejiang overnight.
Thank God. It was the first time I felt that a bookstore was considerate.
The tickets I got two days before the concert, I looked at the above Faye Wong's bright smile how could not feel those desolate tracks in her songs, along the road growing withered sunflowers. Her smile on it is quiet, and her sideways face looks like she's not worried about anything. But it only "looked" like that.
So I smiled. I always look so happy.
This is a city where it doesn't rain all year round, where blight punctuates every footnote of prosperity. Only you are the only once in a lifetime rain, those joyful plucking sound, become repeatedly carved sound and color. A return to the pen, a forward probe, ignorance and ignorance in the bloom of the end of the flourishing flowers. A heavy, foggy blossom.
My high school years were always steeped in my own thin-footed sadness. I repeatedly cared about the leaves wilting and some of the people and people changing. Even though I knew I could be so sad that my stomach hurt the world was still sick to my stomach. However, to understand is a
things, can not do is another thing. I bet 90% of the smokers in China are not illiterate, and they all know the line of Chinese characters on the cigarette box that says "smoking is hazardous to health". But China's tobacco industry is still thriving and not in any decline.
So I immersed myself in that sadness and became complacent. The best thing about this is that it's the best way to get the most out of your life," he said. Many times when I close my eyes I can remember her fuzzy but sharp-edged face, with a coldness that does not belong to the world, like a thin layer of frost. She sang many songs with her eyes closed. With closed eyes she sang one world after another that did not belong to the world. Many times I think of those half-closed eyes on the walls of Dunhuang flying sky, with a stagnant smile watching the whole world slowly destroyed. They don't get stomach aches that they're just a pile of yellow earth. And they know that the whole world will eventually turn to dirt too.
I remember a time when I kept tossing and turning to the song "Dark Surge," hearing her humming dreamily, "What I have a premonition of." It was like I was living in a dim yellow film during that time, going back and forth in the hot sun. A was still with me then, not now, when I've traveled mountains and oceans, when trees can't even see each other for an extra year. I remember when I was in my first year of high school, A was already using a CD player with a price tag of over 3,000, and I despised him for that. And it also made me marvel even more at the gap between the rich and the poor in China. Every time I seriously criticize him for his extravagant behavior, he would always look left and right without listening. I can't do anything about it.
There was a time when A's CD player stayed with me, and there was a copy of Faye Wong's "Singing" concert in it. The song "Dark Surge" was on it. I spent many mornings and nights humming the line "I have a feeling about everything" over and over again in my 10-square-meter bedroom. I had a fucking hunch. I was just reveling in the predictable joy of a future that was built high on my thin youth. I can and would like to believe that Faye Wong has a prophetic vision of the world, but I, well, I'd have to be on my knees to remember what I did each day after dusk. Because for a long time I've been living my life in such a muddle, counting the seconds as they pass across the surface, second by second. The sun goes up, the sun goes down, the ice cream weeps. Guo Jingming blinks no tears. I am such a complete failure.
I told Little A that I am really a complete loser. I think people often have the emotion that they know the answer to something and it's close to the truth, but they still want a different answer as they keep relaying it to others. For example, I would love for Little A to be very affectionate, very trippy, and very disgusting and say to me, oh no, dear little four four, you're not a loser, please don't be sad if life cheats you ...... I'll be disgusted for three seconds at most and then exchange it for a huge inner vanity. As well as the pleasure of self-deception and cover-up.
But Little A looked at me expressionlessly and said, "You're so self-aware.
I was at the side of the touch did not touch the knife, touching the knife I am sure a knife chopping over the gods have not been saved.
The spreading yellow sand subsided, and there was me. I can't see you you can't look at me, and the spreading yellow sand. So don't worry. Did the birds that sang songs never come again? Did those who wrote poems never laugh again? I don't even dare to ask you because I see your brow suddenly furrowed slightly in the summer.
May 27th afternoon I started from one o'clock at home to get seven to get eight, showering and washing hair blowing hair shaving and choosing clothes, making it seem as if they are going to open the concert as well. After these only two o'clock in the afternoon. Gao Lei MM sent a message to tell me to ask me to go to Faye Wong's concert, I said back to the message, of course, do not go is XX. so she said ah good ah I also go, I just want to ask her to set off together with the results of her to send a message over to say: I haven't bought a ticket to it I do not know if I can go to the scene to buy scalper tickets. I read the message and the only thing I wanted to say was three words: "Mamma mia".
Then she left because she said she was dying to try her luck. I also had to go out and buy some clothes because I had to go straight to Zhejiang for a book signing in the evening. When we were on the road, we planned together to buy a white T-shirt and iron Faye Wong's face on it, and then wear Faye Wong to the concert, which would be super cool. But this plan was put to rest when we went to the place that specializes in ironing T-shirts under People's Square. Because that place Faye Wong's pattern is super silly, ironing a pattern like that to go probably Wang sister will think I'm mocking her to go. And there's another reason why there are prices that make me spit blood, not counting the T-shirt alone ironing a pattern will cost 98 dollars, pass out, really think that China is out of poverty?
Taking the light rail to Hongkou stadium down, looking for all the time can not find Ah Wu, I sent a message that I am in the 21st port below. I sent a message saying I was under exit 21, and he sent a message back saying I was also under exit 21. I searched for a long time and finally determined that Gao Lei and I were the only two people under Exit 21. Then a few minutes later, I saw Armed running from afar, out of breath, and he said he was sorry for the mistake, but I was under exit 12. I had nothing to say, I guess I grew up in the Tang Dynasty and read from right to left.
Then I helped MM Gao Lei to buy the tickets, and I finally confirmed what I said earlier that most of the tickets were indeed all bought by scalpers. So much so that we had plenty of choices and were able to haggle. In the end, we were able to get a ticket for the same stand as Takeshi and I at the original price ...... Scalpers are really good at what they do.
Gao Lei was thrilled and said she was finally relieved, having been anxious all the way.
After the tickets were taken care of, it was still early but there was nothing worthwhile around, so I walked to the McDonald's on the next street. I remember when I first came to Shanghai a year ago, I once came to this McDonald's with Qinghe, and at that time my CD player was playing Pin Guan's "The Most Missed Season", and at that time I especially liked those lyrics: "All my craziness, all my sadness, you're the only one who understands", "The Most Missed Season", "The First Day", "The Dreams I Love to Talk About, The Songs You Love to Hear", "The Perfection", "How Changing Life Is", and "How Fickle", "No Matter What", "The Most Missed Season".
I feel that everything is still in front of me, everything is still not far away, everything can still reach out and pull back. But it's not. I feel just what I feel. Time just leaves me so quickly and unforgivingly, and an occasional glance back from a square a hundred thousand miles away leaves me in a blurry, trance-like state of pain.
When I was eating at McDonald's, a few girls kept staring at me, and when I walked past them to get some ketchup, I heard them whispering about whether that was Guo Jingming.
Hey, that's a great vanity thing to do. I was so happy that I was falling on my ass. Later, Wu quietly told me that there are a few girls over there looking at you when I lowered my head and struck a cool pose and said, uh, I understand, I'm too handsome. After saying that I was mercilessly despised by both of them.
It was about six o'clock after we ate, so we left for the gym. In front of the entrance to find a lot of people frightening, crowded around as thrilling as when the original purchase of shares. The most unfortunate thing is that it is raining at this time, to die. But the surrounding people did not move, still crowded around, I think Wang Fei see certainly very happy.
A lot of people around wearing a variety of supermarkets or food company clothing little sister wrapped in a headscarf in the distribution of a variety of small cookies, when I walked past the side of a little sister when a thing happened to satisfy the vanity of the thing more, the little sister smiled brightly and said to me: Guo Jingming, please taste our new cookies.
Sitting on the bleachers of the stadium watching the sky get darker and the rain get heavier. People started pouring into the venue one by one, all the people in the infield had their umbrellas up, the umbrella sellers at the entrance must have been so happy they couldn't even straighten their backs.
I took Takeshi's binoculars and looked at the now empty stage, with the occasional crew member bending over in a hurry to get around. In the center was a large, white silk cloth hanging up, and I heard a man behind me exclaim "What a big mosquito net" when he saw it! I was thinking that in a few minutes Faye Wong would be standing inside singing to us, and for the first time in 20 years I would be able to see the face of the person I had loved for so many years, and I thought it would be a marvelous thing to do. I looked through my binoculars at the people in the infield, the long brims of their open umbrellas and raincoats hiding their faces, but I still believed their eyes were as warm as mine.
Waiting for the time when everything became sometimes slow and sometimes fast, I watched the big clock above the stage pass by second by second. A hurried and furtive voice rang in my heart.
Then suddenly that white cloth fell down, and I saw Faye Wong standing alone in the middle of the stage, the lights of the whole place dimmed, and there was a beam of chasing light on her alone.
The first song, "Sky".
And the most amazing thing is that when she finished the first line of "My Sky", a bolt of lightning struck down from the sky and illuminated the room. And when she sang "Why are the tears wet", there was another bolt of lightning. I don't think any professional stage effects could have done that.
Gao Lei suddenly grabbed my hand and screamed, "I can't do it, I'm going to cry.
I have the sky at my feet and the ground at my head, do you think this is ridiculous? Those nights that come and go, bats fly past and phoenixes fly back. Those weeks of dawn, the moon rises and the sun sets. Those parting confessions, the right hand swings out, the left hand pulls back. Those who wait in fear, become tears and fall down.
I remember when I sent Little A away the sun sank below the horizon at a speed I had never seen before. So much so that I couldn't see his face clearly for a minute, and even my eyes became devoid of luster in the darkness.
He patted me on the shoulder and said it was okay Japan could all hear Faye Wong in concert. Final Fantasy 8 is a hit throughout Japan.
I forgot what I said, and then he just left. Single-handedly crossing into that unknown land. With a worldly smile and a light trance of dust. From that day on Little A walks inside my memory and keeps going and coming back.
Faye Wong's records come out one by one, but they are very slow, one year, sometimes two years. It seems that we have all grown up without even realizing it. But Faye Wong is still the same fuzzy face, as if she hasn't changed for so many years.
Time marched on in 2004, and I bought her "Will Love" in Shanghai. I listened to her "Passenger" over and over again in this hot summer, one empty car after another, out in the divide between morning and evening and dawn. Lonely person after lonely person in a car, looking out the window at the silent world.
I am this car, she says, the first passenger.
Sometimes one wonders how long one's fondness for someone can last. I seem to have become someone else's favorite overnight. In a world I don't know, there are still people who are touched by my words, my books in their bags, accompanying them to class every morning when the sky isn't bright, accompanying them to walk through those low fences with the wind blowing over them, accompanying them to warm up their books and do their papers in the quiet of every night, thinking of me when I drink my coffee, looking up and out the window still the night colors that are too thick to breathe. This is a very subtle feeling that I can't quite put my finger on. It seems to recall that in my senior year of high school a few years ago I would listen to Faye Wong and do one seemingly endless English paper after another.
It's been a long time since I've had the pleasure of listening to Faye Wong, and after all these years it's become a habit. I don't have to watch any publicity to buy her new CDs, and after listening to them, I'll start the next round of waiting. Little A said that when waiting for someone, time becomes sweet and bearable.
I remember during the days of Faye Wong's divorce, when the Hong Kong media reported on all her life, those reporters never looked at celebrities from a person's point of view. They only know that there is the so-called circulation there is the so-called breaking news, but they never thought if one day they are divorced then what they hope others will do.
When I saw a newspaper publish a photo of Faye Wong living with Dou Dai in Beijing with her hair spread out to pour a spittoon, I felt so bad that I almost cried. I think she is so willing to a woman, so many years of low profile can ultimately still not escape the fate of the trick.
I know that from that time on I could never let go of my love for her. I remember someone said, when you witnessed your favorite star from the fall to rise again, you witnessed his ordinary side and the bright side, when you watched him from childish to mature, from retreat to become brave, you can no longer let go of his favorite.
This sentence is y imprinted inside my head and I can't forget it for many years.
The hot sun dries up the lake, leaving behind fish and fish tales. You never came, but I never left either. There is a plausible emotion traced dark red along the shore. The reeds are gone, along with the iris sticking upside down into the thick clouds of the sky. There's a punishment for being invisible to the proverbial abyss, you know.
Midway through the show, Faye Wong went to change her clothes, and then her VCR started playing on the big screen. at the end of that VCR, Faye Wong suddenly said to the screen, "I don't want anyone to remember me. If one day I don't sing anymore, I hope you will forget me.
It was as if I had been cut hard by a dull, heavy knife at that moment, and it hurt all the way up from my toes. I looked at Goree beside me and she said she kind of wanted to cry. I said so did I, and if I heard it one more time I would really cry.
In the middle of coming, Gao Lei said in the cab, remember their senior year when Faye Wong also came to Shanghai to open a concert, but at that time they have to take the college entrance examination, can not go. Then to now, so many years have passed, finally can see her standing in the place where we look very close actually still very far from singing, this feeling is really good.
I also, looking at their own silent favorite for so many years of people standing in front of their own, I want to say a lot but can not shout out, can only be like an ignorant fans like waving their hands of fluorescent sticks, forgetting that the next day they still have to sign books will be very sore hands.
After the last song, Faye Wong said, "I'm sorry, I don't know if it's raining or what, but I didn't play well. Please forgive me.
Then I thought back to the beginning of the concert when she said, "It's raining again today, I'm not lucky, my friends downstairs, are you cold? One of the girls beside me then said, yeah, it was raining in Singapore too. Then she pointed to the VIP seats and said, "See, there are a lot of fans who follow Faye Wong all over the world, wherever she goes, they go". To be honest, I was a bit touched. I don't think they're stupid, but rather a little heartbroken and in love. It's a pleasure to have people who like the same things as you do. But there are some people who just want to show that they have a unique taste, and when they used to like something that suddenly many people have also become fond of, they will go and denigrate the things they used to like, which is actually one of the most tasteless things to do. Because when you negate that thing or that person, you also negate the person you once were.
The crowd dispersed quickly after the game ended, and I stood in the increasingly empty Hongkou soccer stadium with my ears ringing. The last hour or so had seemed like a dream, and it had come at such a short notice that I was caught off guard.
Standing in the empty stands, the rain poured down. I was reminded of the lyrics, "It's raining again, who's the sky crying for, who's crying for who."
Walking out of the stadium, as I expected, I couldn't get a car at all, and a lot of people were crowded at the entrance and exit of the stadium just waiting for Faye Wong's car to pass by, and the rain got heavier and heavier and didn't mean to stop at all. So many people standing in the rain, I saw the heart unspeakably difficult. I want to cry a little, I think Wang Fei must be very happy.
That night, because there was no car, walked a lot of road, all the way to the cold shivering. Heavy rain wet hair and clothes, summer is as cold as winter is simply not true. Rain water over the back of the feet. The dust was taken away in a hurry.
I think tomorrow is another beautiful day, I think somewhere in this world, maybe someone like Faye Wong like me. I think that's enough to make me content.
You sang here, laughed, and left;
I listened here, cried, and stayed ......