Saw a call for topics on Twitter; how did you get through your lowest point?
The first thing that came to mind was what Lu Yu said in "The Evening"; "No matter who it is, we have all been or are going through our own darkest moments in life, which is a long, dark, cold and desperate tunnel"
In an instant, the memories came flooding back like a tidal wave, and with it, took me into the past. The disillusionment, bitterness and bitterness of the time came flooding back in an instant.
I don't really want to talk about it, but it's been in my heart for so long that sometimes when I think about it, it still has the ability to make me instantly depressed, even if it's only for a few seconds of sadness, but the feeling is enough to sting me.
It was 2019, I had just given birth to a child, I was in the 11th day of the month followed Mr. back to his home, because we were together in the first place his family did not agree, he was stealing hukou and I got married, so I did not have much interaction with his family, except that only once to see his parents.
I thought that agreeing to let me come home was acceptance, and I thought that our one house, two people, three meals, four seasons of life would also turn into four hands, three homes and two hearts for life. I even fantasized about time with my mother-in-law with the kids.
I told myself in my mind, all over again. I would treat my in-laws like my own parents. But everything that came afterward told me what a ridiculous and redundant thing I had done at that time.
The child is not full Mr. returned to Changsha, leaving me and the child to live with the in-laws. I never thought that this was the beginning of my postpartum depression.
Some people ask, "Isn't it just giving birth to a child? Why would you have postpartum depression?
There's a highly favorable answer on the blog;
If a man, after an open heart surgery, drags his unhealed body out of bed for less than a week, and then immediately puts himself into a job that requires him to be on call 24 hours a day, and he has no experience at all, he will be subjected to all sorts of external punishment for not doing a good job. You are blamed by all outsiders and loved ones for not doing a good job, and the job doesn't bring in any income or prospects. See if you're devastated?
My mother-in-law goes out every day to dance and play cards, and I'm busy every day as a new mother, washing the baby's buttocks all day long, changing diapers, breastfeeding, bathing, washing clothes, washing bottles, and on and on and on and on and on and on.
It was a cesarean section, and I was already suffering from lower back pain after the birth, but with all the fussing and fidgeting that went on day after day, my lower back pain was even more uncontrollable.
My husband was not around, I was unfamiliar with the area, and I did not speak the local language. My mother-in-law was not a good cook, and even though I was in the middle of the month, I ate cucumber, squash, bean curd, and bitter gourd every day.
The tiredness and pain are small things, the point is to sleep less. I couldn't sleep or eat well all day, and I had to accommodate my in-laws' daily habits. For example, my in-laws won't let me close the door when I go to bed at night.
The most important thing is that the frustration is so great that she sometimes bursts into tears for no apparent reason, and she won't say anything, leaving me to cry and wail at the top of my lungs, stomping my little legs as hard as I can and earning my little face until it's all red, so that I am left scratching my head and can't wait to cry along with the cuddles! I was depressed every single day of my life in such weeks.
Every time she cried, I felt intense frustration. I thought; I'm not a good mom. I can't even take care of my own baby.
Two
My mood swings are so big that the slightest thing can make me sad and upset, and I'll burst into tears all of a sudden.
At that time, Mr. generally back once a week, this is silent Mr. because we are different, but also contact is very little, each time WeChat just ask the child sleep, and then turned into a mutual I went to bed. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to get a good deal on a new product, but I'm sure you'll be able to get a good deal on a new product.
At the same time, I felt resentful because of my helplessness in parenting and indifference to my in-laws.
Subsequently, I realized that I was obviously very sleepy, but I could not sleep at night. When my children went to bed, I took my cell phone and flipped through all kinds of things, looking through my friends' circle of friends. I always felt that I was abandoned by the society, and I saw that my friends had made a lot of progress in their careers, while I was at the same place, and I wasn't clear about where the road ahead was.
With the birth of the baby, milk powder, diapers and other expenses have become very large, Mr. income each month can only maintain life, and can not deposit. I was able to make money, and it became my biggest obsession.
It was a time when I was psychologically devastated, and she happened to show up and give me a lot of strength and help, so it was a natural progression to become my spiritual support.
I used to think that she was a beam of light, and I even thanked her silently in my heart for giving me more light in my originally dark and desperate life.
But to this day I can't believe that it took her more than 3 months to orchestrate a scam that at one point sent me to the 18th floor of hell after gaining my trust.
I took her as a lifesaver without realizing that it was her who pushed me into the abyss.
Yes, I went through a very scary scam, was cheated of 140,000, for half a month I couldn't sleep all night, regret, chagrin, sadness, I'm as good as dead.
I didn't know what the meaning of life was, and I was never even that afraid of being in debt all of a sudden. I spent my days in a state of remorse, regret, and sadness, and soon I was in a state of unimaginable anxiety and stress, living like a walking corpse.
Once in a while, I want to talk to someone at a certain moment, and I've looked through my address book, but I can't find a suitable person, which is probably the most cruel truth of life; standing in the abyss and looking up, I realized that I'm so lonely.
Three
I chose to call the police, but the police can not do anything to help, just at this time, my child launched a high fever, it was February 2020, just encountered the new crown of pneumonia, I hugged the child, the heart of the fear.
The child in my arms was burning hot, his face was burning red, I called my husband, he took leave to come back, we took the child to the Women's Hospital, blood tests, the doctor immediately hospitalized us, saying the infection was very serious.
But the city's Women's Hospital is far away from home, and we didn't prepare anything, so we carried the baby again and rolled to the third hospital, which is very close to home.
The doctor wrote on the diagnosis; sepsis is suspected and blood culture is recommended. I was so scared at that moment, when I gave the baby an injection, the baby's blood vessels were so thin that it could only be stuck in her head, me, my husband and 2 nurses pressed her hard, she was crying her heart out there.
My heart was broken, we were in the hospital for 5 days, the baby wanted me to hold her all day and sleep in my arms. I held the baby and the tears kept flowing. I thought, I am really too useless, the child did not take good care of, but also cheated by others owed a debt, I live in the world in the end what is the meaning of ah.
The voice in my head kept repeating.
Life at that time was like a sweater with the threads off, starting with the first stitch and developing into an unmanageable mess of isolation.
It also made me lose trust in everyone for a long time, I was afraid to make friends, disguised myself as a "hedgehog", trying to protect myself with a full of thorns.
In such an environment, I want to pour out the bitter water to others, and have been unable to speak.
What's worse is that my mother suffered from granulocyte deficiency because of a drug reaction to her hyperthyroidism, and her life is in danger, and the doctor has issued a critical letter several times, so I went to the hospital to see her, and she was lying in a hospital bed more fragile than I imagined.
The doctor said she had no resistance at all, the ward was being sterilized 24 hours a day, and each of us had to wear masks when we went in, so she couldn't get any infections, or she would suffer organ failure and die.
In this sudden and difficult moment I can not retreat, also in this state, I seem to be awake, I suddenly realized that I am a mother, but also a daughter, I have to my daughter's father's responsibility, I have brought her to this world, her life has just begun ah, I can not leave her so easily. I can't leave her so easily. There won't be anyone else in the world who loves her as much as I do.
And my mother, she still needs me to take care of, I haven't properly repaid her, haven't let her enjoy the blessings, as a daughter as a mother, I have not been able to shoulder their own responsibility, I am like a coward.
In the end, I was able to digest it all on my own. It was also at that moment that I just seemed to suddenly become mature. I organized my thoughts, 140,000 is just 140,000, it's nothing more than a fresh start, as long as the people are there, there is hope.
I am only 30 years old, there are still so many infinite possibilities in my life, why do I have to stick to this, maybe this is a hurdle I have to go through in my life, get through it, I will win.
I found some friends and relatives to borrow some money to pay off the debt, and from then on never like this thing, I put all her contact information are deleted, I decided to start everything over, I told myself, this world, in addition to the life and death, the rest is trivial.
This is probably what Vantet said; the so-called maturity, is that you have to learn to use self-healing and discernment to face the world, do not like to complain about people, most know how to decently say goodbye to the past.
Now remember this experience are still feel creepy, before has never understood why said the human heart can not see straight.But also because of this experience I was able to understand that the world of adults, is a sea of pain, you and I are deep in it.
But when you go through the storm, you are no longer the same person.
Just like the line "the first half of my life"; the road to their own step by step, the bitter to their own mouth to eat, the skin can be peeled off the bone, in addition to no shortcuts.
Four
I left my in-laws, came to Changsha, opened a public number, headline, and insisted on reading and writing every day. From last October to now, my public number has 4-digit followers, I have written 230,000 words and read 58 books. I've also paid back half of the money I borrowed.
I'm doing it all on my own, being a mom and being me at the same time. It was exhausting, but that steady progress toward a goal, that tiredness of having my brain and body running at high speed, filled me up because I knew that I was getting better and better.
Now I am no longer afraid of anything, those who have been hurt, although it is not a good thing, but also taught me more strength to face the impermanence of the world.
It is also these experiences that have proven my growth, proving that all my upheavals are for the sake of the butterfly.
Sometimes when I think of these past, I am secretly glad and even thankful that I did not choose to be cynical or give up on myself, but remained kind and passionate after going through such unpleasant things.
I like that line;
Not all the bitter others can understand, you only self-enlightenment, rather than paralyzed in place to curse the injustice of life, the more difficult time, the more you have to rely on yourself, the only step through the thorns in front of you, you can really reconcile with life, in the face of the wind and waves waves of the waves of the waves of the waves of the waves of the waves of the waves of the waves of the waves of the waves of the waves of the waves of the waves of the waves of the waves of the waves.
Life is not a movie can be a line and over, those trivial, troublesome, boring, difficult life is exactly what we need to face, and life will give you tips, so that you can find the level of a richer life.
Previously, I was always reluctant to accept the fact that I was cheated, and do not want to admit that I am stupid, I am afraid of others on my finger, but the more I experienced, the more I found that there is no complete empathy in this world.
In the final analysis, everyone has their own chaos and confusion. But don't give up lightly, one day you will be the heart of the acid, brewed into sweet wine.
And now I, as if strong enough that no one can beat, the future is even more full of expectations, I know, all can not beat me will only make me stronger.
Written in the last
Life ah, always should be the first bitter sweet, if all of a sudden the life of the honey pot overthrown, dumped in the sticky sweet, that waiting for us, must be the sweetness of the exhaustion, hard to bear the sour bitter.
No matter how we are in the past, the future is in our own hands. Never let the past determine your present.