The video shows that after the boy pushed his father out of the room, he suddenly broke out and shouted at his father: "Go to hell!" "Get out!" He kept pulling his father's clothes, pressed his father's head against the wall, strangled his father with his arm, kept beating him, and finally poured the drink on his father. In the meantime, the boy's mother has been trying to stop the fight, but she really can't stop the angry son. The boy's classmates came out of the room to dissuade him, and he pushed him into the room; The boy's grandfather also came out to stop the fight. The boy kicked his grandfather, pushed him into the room and shouted loudly.
The whole process lasted for nearly 5 minutes, and my father hardly made any resistance except words.
After reading this news, many parents' first reaction is: "This father is so weak that such a son doesn't even work!" ""If this is my son, I will kill him! "
People who say such things are usually because they are not their children. It's not the client who makes such an understatement.
Of course, many people may say, if it were me, I would really hit you!
I absolutely believe it! Just, do you think the parents and grandpa in this video have never played before? Is this the first time such a thing has happened?
Everyone takes it for granted that a beating can solve it, so this family is a fool. ...
But the fact that there is a high probability may be that the family members beat and scold, and things have become completely uncontrollable. How angry you are, how helpless they are.
As a psychological counselor, I grew up with more than 20 teenage families. The children in these families are rebellious, have extreme family conflicts, drop out of school, are tired of learning, and are seriously depressed, like the fierce parent-child conflict and self-harm in the video. ...
If the behaviors of these 20-odd adolescent children were captured just by monitoring, I believe most people would still say that sentence: "If this was my child, I would have killed him!" "
But when you are in it, you will know how helpless and helpless you are. Because you tried everything everyone said at that time, which was not only useless, but also caused fierce conflicts and the worst results you could foresee. By contrast, it's easy for you to just knock on the keyboard.
Next, I want to share three points, each of which is very important. I hope I can read it patiently.
It may surprise everyone. In the process of consultation, I found a rule that adolescent children look arrogant in front of their parents and are often beaten by their parents since childhood!
How did that happen?
A girl said to me, "Before, he always hit me. Now, we can fight. How nice! " . You can kill me, can't you? Good, I just like to see his incompetence! "Her mother sitting beside her, a face of helplessness.
If parents beat their children just because they are weak and can beat them, then one day, beating will become a thing of the past, and when the children grow up, they can't beat them. Even if they can still fight, the children won't let you beat and scold. They will also hurt themselves and feel depressed. In short, in the end, my parents couldn't fight, and I couldn't fight myself.
One of the most basic facts is that beating and cursing can't solve the problem of education at all!
So, are all children who were beaten in childhood rebellious when they grow up and want to beat their parents in turn? Not really! For example, the familiar Jay Chou once said that he was grateful for his parents' education.
Judging from the growth experience of the post-80s generation, including myself, I was beaten since I was a child, but I never wanted to fight back when I grew up.
Many people may say that children themselves don't know how to be grateful. This sentence is only half right. Why is it half right? Because beating children is the same, some children at home can still feel their parents' love, while some children at home can only feel their parents' disgust, denial and rejection ... Note that children can't feel love, which doesn't mean parents don't love this child!
Parents beat and scold their children out of love, but not entirely because of love. Many parents beat and scold their children because of anxiety, control, face, pursuit of perfection and so on.
Guess, can children feel it? Can children understand the complicated factors behind their parents?
A child told me: "Every time my father hits me, I will write in my diary that it is not too late for a gentleman to take revenge for ten years!" " "A younger child will tell me and think," If parents can't do something, get angry first. "
Therefore, you can't completely blame the child for being ungrateful and heartless. Children themselves can't feel enough warmth and love, and naturally they can't be grateful.
Children who don't feel warm since childhood will also be affected in terms of brain development, emotional control ability and emotional intelligence development, and will appear relatively indifferent. For example, some children with disabilities from childhood will get more cold eyes, discrimination and exclusion than others, and tend to be more indifferent when they grow up. As the saying goes, those who are suspicious must have compassion, which is the reason.
Therefore, the excessive behavior of those adolescent children is definitely not enough without a fight, or a fight is enough.
According to my observation, many families have such a combination of parents for children with serious adolescent contradictions: an extremely strict father and a doting mother.
Why does this group break out in adolescence? Why is this combination more exaggerated than joint doubles? Because of this combination, children's ability to feel love is lower and their sense of value is smaller.
Because the spoiled child is an over-arranged child, such a child will not feel love until everyone is around him. For example, they will think that it is natural for their mother to serve themselves and help them with their work, and there is no need to be grateful. Moreover, because we are all around ourselves at home, our overbearing attitude and selfish behavior often run into a wall after going out, so we are trapped in an unloved world and feel that the world is cold and painful.
Generally, children who are not spoiled have a high sense of love, and it is easy to feel love and satisfaction. When their mother plays with them for a while, they will feel very happy and they will feel that they are loved.
A spoiled child said to me:
"I 18 years old must be independent? Why should I live the same life as you? ! This is not kidnapping. What is this? ! "
"I want to go to school, and my parents don't agree to sell the house. How could I be such a poor child! ! Ah ah "(speaking of tears)
These feelings are objective,
You tell the child that we are all so good to you, and you are not satisfied. It's useless, because the child can't feel it! Happiness is a feeling. If you feel it, you will be happy. If you have no feelings, you will never be happy!
In this way, it is difficult for spoiled children to feel love, and it is even worse to meet abusive parents, which completely makes children lose the feeling of being loved.
Then, people should have a sense of existence. Children want to be very powerful and can do many things. However, too many children don't know how to suffer. In real life, there are few things that make them feel valuable, so they often have lofty ideals and always want to do something big and shake their surroundings. But in fact, they are too arrogant to know where to start. When they encounter difficulties, they will shrink back. Once they flinch, overly strict parents may come out to beat and scold. The unprincipled compromise of doting parents will only make children feel more worthless and fall into an infinite loop. Therefore, such children are more likely to go astray or escape to the virtual network world, because they can accept themselves more and gain a sense of value without paying more.
However, the reality is even sadder than this. Some parents are obedient to their children when they are good, and they don't know how to control their emotions when their children are bad. They can play the dual role of doting and beating. After venting emotions, overcompensate the children and let them live in fear every day. All in all, it's worse!
Such a fierce adolescent conflict certainly did not appear in adolescence, but has already laid the groundwork. However, it is not too late for adolescent children to be young.
It is also excellent. When children are young, parents haven't learned how to get along with them. When children grow up, they have to reflect on this issue.
The following is the consultation process that I encouraged a father to participate in:
In these cases I consulted, most fathers will participate, and these cases with fathers will progress much faster. Because our culture is that fathers love mountains, children may not understand this mountain of love. For example, many fathers don't care much about leaving their children to their mothers and get along with them very little. They are mainly responsible for supporting their families (outside). Of course, many fathers don't care about the education of their children's growth, but just stand up and beat and scold, thinking that they want to prop up their parents' authority and play the bad COP for a long time. How can this give their children the feeling of love?
Of course, those children who think they can't get their father's love and recognition for a long time don't necessarily have bad grades. On the contrary, there are many schoolmasters. This is because, on the surface, the relationship between the child and his father is not good, but deep down, he is extremely eager to get his father's approval, so he always wants to prove himself. However, when a child's sense of value depends on the recognition of others, others will recognize that they are valuable, and others will not recognize that they are valuable. Is such a child really the child we want?
Therefore, it is not too late to learn how to love children. If you still want to "see if I don't kill you", it may be hopeless.
A good relationship is the soil where life grows, the upward sunshine, the rain and dew that moistens children's hearts, and the main reason why a life is full of vitality.
When adolescent children are annoying, even like the children in the previous video, suffocating behavior, even if the whole world is questioning children, parents should not give up.
What do you mean give up? Let him go, whatever, whatever! Or "just kill" or "fear of provoking children and indulging their behavior indefinitely".
As I encouraged my father to say, rebellious children are not bad children. They are ill and need help. If you can't help your child yourself, then actively seek help!
Writing this article is not alarmist. The problem of adolescence is not just a problem of adolescence, but I hope that all parents and children who are still on the road will grow up together, learn to love and know how to love.
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