If there is a period of time in life that you can't look back on, a period of time that you don't want to touch, I think that my period of time would be the Pingding Normal School.
At that time, I was 18 years old, in the middle of youth, full of joy and longing, stepped into this at that time the reputation of a very high school, a Pingding Normal.
The memory of the two vermillion doors, especially tall, the door is inlaid with gilt rings, bronze-colored buckle, the threshold is very high, but are made of wood, crude, heavy, old, solid, as if time is frozen there.
Full of sycamore trees in the courtyard, without a trace of dust, tall school buildings, magnificent and majestic, all this makes me feel fresh and curious?
A rural girl who has never been out of the mountains, as if here to see a whole new world, as if here to dream take off!
However, everything is not the same as I imagined, I used to be the top of the pride and confidence, like the wind blowing down the sycamore leaves, scattered, scattered, until disappeared?
The music I never touched, the sports I never played, the dance I never even thought of, all became a hit here, and I was an idiot, low self-esteem and cowardice, began to slowly occupy my mind, a kind of fall from paradise into the hell of a feeling.
I can't forget a simple pentatonic score, I feel like a book of heaven, learning half a day is still confusing.
I can't forget the disdainful look of my class teacher, Ms. Li Shuangzhen, who was also the music teacher, and I felt so stupid.
I can't forget that almost the whole class had to dance, but I couldn't even play the role of a drag queen.
Can't forget too much, too much to forget, their humble, stupid, lost, miserable!
Such days have been more than a year, began to adapt to the life of this flow: daily morning run; daily morning reading doze; cultural classes do not seek to cope with; art class seems to be a mess? The most worrying is still the music class, just like a fool to endure the bewilderment and do not know what to do?
Now it seems that even if the learning is difficult, it is also a kind of inculcation and infection, Ping Ding teacher's three years of passive accumulation is still a large amount of wealth and capital to return to the rural teaching after graduation, and even become a pioneer in music, art, physical education and pioneering.
The second year of the teacher training program, the unpleasant thing happened, the dormitory lost money one after another, I still remember clearly that the class teacher's method of review is one by one, let each of us in a note to write down the object of suspicion, I was really stupid cute, I actually wrote a line of words a "I have no qualification to suspect anyone! I was so stupid that I wrote the line "I have no right to suspect anyone!", and even more stupidly, after the note was turned in, I couldn't wait to ask who the others were writing about. I was also afraid that people would suspect me. In fact, I think this is my psychological problems, including the adult now, office colleagues if anyone's book ah, pen ah, can not be found, as long as the loud shout: "Who saw my book?", I will be the first to suspect myself one by one. I will be the first to doubt myself whether I took it? Quickly in their own territory to people looking for some, until the person who lost something to find their own things, I was able to peace of mind. This is also poor psychological quality! Indeed, with a dormitory for more than a year, think about which one can not be a thief, and I dare to determine that really is not our dormitory to do, my basis is that period of time dormitory door is broken.
But it turned out to be a classroom teacher thought I did it! I don't know if it's my line of self-righteous "words"? Or was it my cowardice? Or maybe I was really suspected? I was the only one who didn't go home on Sundays, just to save money for the round trip. Whatever the reason, I became a "suspect" for stealing money.
I remember that it was a night before the winter vacation, the memory of that night, the sky, especially dark, no stars, no moon.
That night, the school's political education director also went, I do not know about his position, I understand whether it is accurate, I only remember that his name is Li Tieh Niu, playing a mouthful of hard pingding language, every night can be heard in front of the dormitory building to reprimand the voice of the students, it should be the management of the security aspects of the teacher!
A few years ago, listening to the teacher's classmates, he said, because of what disease has died, hey! I also do not know in his dying days, whether he also remembered that there is a student like me, for his power and reprimand, has not given up on his hatred, or curse.
In fact, the interrogation did not go smoothly, several times by my strong, hard to repress the resistance to the suspension of a hysterical cry and loud accusations! At that time, in order to control my excitement, the class teacher actually hit me! The pain and aggravation is bone-chilling, and I shudder to think of it now!
I remember that night, the same was called to the review of another student, she and I are good friends, personality is big and bold, very boys handsome and free, unfortunately, their dormitory also happened a similar incident, she is the same as me, also became a "suspect? The two cases were tried together. I was really a little bit of joy, so disastrous encounter actually have a sympathetic people can be a companion, in fact, even more capable character, it is difficult to fight such unfair treatment! We cried a long, long time? I thought of suicide, and the way to die is to jump from the roof of that in my opinion majestic enough school building, with life to prove their innocence! But death, how much courage does it take for an eighteen or nineteen year old! We thought of a lot of ways to save themselves, but one by one was rejected by us, think about it at the time is also too stupid, too childish, why such a big thing, do not turn to their parents, relatives, after all, we are not an adult, we can not save themselves, our rhetoric, defense, crying, theories are pale and powerless! So now I have been cautioning their own daughter, if the outside by what aggrieved, the first time should choose to tell their parents, I will not let my daughter like me walk through a period of gray youth?
That night, in the classroom teacher's dormitory for a long time? Because we were called when we had not yet eaten dinner, nearly four hours of interrogation, rebuttal, argument, heckling, we are tired? I do not know whether it is out of the teacher's fraternity, or out of the hands of the guilt of hitting me, that in my eyes has always been cold, and can even see through my stupidity of the substitute music class teacher, gave me a bowl of noodles, the kind of special simple put some soy sauce, vinegar, salt of the noodle soup, I held the bowl of noodles, the heart actually swept through the hint of touching a bowl of noodles, the bowl of cold winter night, after all, it is hot!
I remember I only ate half a mouthful, because it was really sad, huffing and puffing and could not even swallow a mouthful.
I don't know how that inconclusive trial ended? I only remember that the weather that night was really cold, bone-chilling cold, shivering, teeth up and down, issued a "creak?" Cluck? Cluck? I don't know how I walked back to the dormitory, like a ghost moving body, long ago the spirit of the scattered?
From that night on, I closed myself up, counting down the days to my graduation, wanting to leave earlier and earlier, leaving this Pingding Teachers' Training Center and my 225 dormitory, which made me sad, painful, desperate, and miserable.
This difficult day is a kind of torture for my originally cheerful self! Because of misunderstanding, speculation, suspicion, so that the group should be full of laughter began to disintegrate, split, the dormitory is shrouded in a layer of gloom. Every girl like a flower season is about to blossom, but because of this storm also seems to be silent a one each other no longer reckless jokes, sea and sky chat, let alone open heart to communicate with each other? I am more because of the interrogation and the resentment, incomprehension, like every day as the sun rises day after day, will be blocked, repressed, like a person like a change, next to the life?
Until the day of graduation, feet stepped out of the Pingding Normal that high, wooden, with coarse grain of the threshold, I shouted loudly to myself: "Farewell! Pingding Normal!" I don't want to step into it again for the rest of my life!
"Pingding Normal", "Class 175? 225 dormitory? And I've thought countless times that my first paycheck would be the legal fees to take him to court.
Slowly, my life began to enter a new state of love, marriage, children and so on, because time is a good medicine to dash the wounds, but also because of the big and small things in life, overflowing with all the thoughts, taking up all the time, I slowly began to let go of this knot, forgetting this experience. And try to understand the classroom teacher's youthful exuberance; began to forgive the dormitory group of little sisters helplessness and fear; began to face up to their own childishness and impulsiveness at first!
This page of black-and-white youth, recorded my wounds, but also a kind of tribulation and experience.
It reminds myself that there is no ten percent, hundred percent, thousand points, ten thousand points of certainty, I will not arbitrarily doubt a child, not to mention misunderstanding, because I know that such harm will become a brand, a lifetime carved in the heart of the child, so I would rather live with it, stranded, and will not arbitrarily infringe on the soul of a young.
To this day, when the teacher's classmates invited to the party, I always have palpitations, do not want to face the people of the past, more do not want to think of the past, do not want to look back to that past, do not want to touch that memory.
I really hope they all forget me forever? Never mention me again!
Until last week, my daughter said she lost a hundred dollars in the class, and identified suspicious object when; until the day before yesterday I was dormitory classmates pulled into a WeChat group, they discussed to meet, I can not wait to write my mind, want to unveil my scars, want to allow it to be able to dry out in the sunshine?
The place that once gave me a dream, I was carrying full of melancholy and sadness to leave? The first time I went back to my alma mater, I might not be able to move forward for the rest of my life.
If you have to let go of something in life, let go of hate! Because it's a burden to remember it!
I'd like to see you again, but I don't want to see you again. May the sisters in dormitory 225 have a lifetime of health, happiness and peace!
This article was written by Erhong, formerly known as Zhang Xiaoli (WeChat: Worship Life)
This article is an original article, the copyright belongs to the author, unauthorized reproduction is not allowed!