1, people's life is like in the shit, sometimes you have been very hard can come out just a fart.
2. If beauty is a letter of recommendation, then kindness is a credit card!
3, beautiful women are mostly similar, ugly women are different.
4. Don't be lazier than me, I'm too lazy to compare with you.
5, although I believe in the sea oath, but may not believe that you ah
6, do not eat full which have the strength to lose weight ah?
7, do not eat the woman in the world there may be several, not jealous of the woman but not even one.
8, people have is the background, and I have just the back.
9, life, is born, live
10, God! My clothes are thin again.
11, born, easy. Live, easy. Life, not easy.
12, step through the green house people have not aged, please use Huiren Kidney Treasure.
13, not in the jianghu for a long time, jianghu always have my legend
14, people and people are not polite to get along!
15, would rather be proud of the mold, do not go humble love!
16, Shi for a friend to pretend to be dead, women for their own people plastic surgery.
17, I will miss you after you go, why don't you go!
18, life is like Song Zu De's mouth, you never know who will be the next unlucky
19, not allowed to ask me: how recently?
20, the tongue is more long-lived than the teeth, and the software is more permanent than the hardware.
21, I have a small heart, but not lack of; I am very good temper, but not no!
22, listen to you a word, save me ten books
23, the world is difficult to pull yourself out, in addition to the teeth, and love.
24, women tend to think about men; men tend to think about women.
25, I want to fall in love early, but it's already too late
26, people are afraid of fame and fortune, men are afraid of no money, women are afraid of fat.
27, asking you can have a few sorrows, just like a group of eunuchs on the greenhouse.
28, life is not rehearsed, every day is live; not only low ratings, and wages are not high.
29, hooligans are not scary, afraid of hooligans have culture
30, the woman's closet is like a harem, countless beauties, favored so many.
31, people are not smart, but also learn others bald!
32, is the gold always have to shine, but when the ground is full of gold, I myself do not know which one is.
36 classic funny quotes _ laugh sprayed1, the girlfriend ate 50 strings of lamb kebabs in one breath, the boyfriend said 5 words, said which 5 words your mouth is so flirty
2, a simple question ~ Three Kingdoms period of the five tigers of the State of Shu is who ~ the Internet to find out who the pig ~ Star Yagami, Purple Dragon, Glacier, Instantaneous, a Hui
3, and you as a friend, the lowest What is the standard? Gotta be human.
4, one of your good-looking friends of the opposite sex to call you in the middle of the night to go out with you to open the room ML, what do you do? Get out of here! I'm a decent guy! Don't fucking seduce me where?
5, your first kiss is in what circumstances? 6 years old when I said to a girl a year younger than me: do not agree with me to push you into the gutter.
6. If you were in prison, what would you do inside to pass the time? Digging tunnels
7. Is someone chasing you right now? Yes, I owe her 30 bucks.
8, someone sprinkled you all over the oil, said to you: do not worry, there are oomph full-automatic, what do you do? Hit him with kidney loss, said to him don't worry, there are six flavors of di Huang pill, cure kidney loss, no sugar.
9, what is the one thing you learn most from Lei Feng? Holding his sister-in-law to send the child home.
10, two people who love each other, how to keep each other for a long time? They will kill each other and bury each other in one place.
11. Have you ever thought about suicide? I want to fucking kill you!
12, one of the most peculiar names of Beijing snacks, showing the state of an animal, in Beijing, a lot of places are sold! You guess? (Answer: donkey roll) peacock green
13, walking alone on the road, a heterosexual ran to ask you: this is the Earth? How do you answer? If it is a beautiful woman, I would say: I love you, Martian If it is a dinosaur, I would say: where to come, go back to where
14, two girls like you, a beautiful and talented, a gentle will be home, you choose? The first to leave the family
15, your predecessor got married, you are willing to participate in her wedding? I just want to attend the funeral of the girl!
16, now you, 100 meters can enter 13 seconds? Free fall?
17, play happy net you steal the most valuable is what? Internet cafe mouse.....
18, if you have to (1 Li Yuchun 2 Furong sister 3 Ruhua 4 Lv Xiu Lian) to choose a, and then immediately cave in, what do you choose to choose to die
19 A person does not move to go to the Starbucks, holding a laptop to sit for an afternoon, how do you think? It's better than holding a laptop and sitting in Yonghe Soymilk
20, if you are in love for many years of lovers encounter better than you, and then left you, this proves what? Love is actually a kind of fucking ape - shit -!
21, seriously, have you ever had plastic surgery? My stomach is rumbling.
22, immediately! Immediately! Don't think! Say an English word that starts with a p. pI GU !!!!
23, ICAC is the Independent Commission Against Corruption (ICAC) ICBC is what (answer: Industrial and Commercial Bank of China) ICAC mother department
24, you peeped at other people's privacy? I robbed openly.
25, if one day you suddenly disappeared, do you think there will be people crazy looking for you if I still owe the bank mortgage and car loan
26, someone silently secretly in love with you, you know that will be moved? I think I would change my mind.
27, twins, brother called Tianlong, brother called what good? Eight
28, have you ever thought of a heterosexual ~ A: I think every day, want to go to bed with her
29, your enemy in the toilet, no paper out of the way, what do you do to give him a roll of transparent tape
30, if the enemy of the love fell into the water, what would you do? Pee.
31, I'm very good I'm very obedient, know that you now have a boy / girlfriend, but I will wait for you, you will want me? Will wait for death, good boy, go home.
32, in the middle of the night to meet the robbers, he said do not sing not let you go, what will you sing? Good man song.
33, naughty when I was little, leading to the most serious consequences of a time? When I was a child playing on a wall ~ a careless, lost his footing, kicked someone off the wall
34, there is no thought of a person you want to cry? There is, the debtor.
35, someone said to you, my family flushed the toilet with mineral water, how do you respond? The old man pissed out of the royal salute!
36, if your other half's ex died, your other half in front of you crying bitterly, how do you react? Throw three feet of white silk, said: you might as well go with her.
classic funny quotes 30 _ laugh sprayed1, the package adults and show Zhao to play in Africa, met a group of black-faced cannibals, cannibals not only do not eat two, but also with the package adults while shaking hands, while bringing human flesh to the package adults to eat. Pao adults do not understand, Zhan Zhao said: adults, cannibals take you as their distant relatives.
2, my friend said to drive me home, get on the car habitually lit a cigarette, my friend pinched off my cigarette, came to say: don't smoke in the car, there will be smoke. I fucking slap him down, the battery car has your sister's smoke flavor.
3, brother sitting on the subway, sitting next to a strange mom. Cell phone rings, the mom answered the phone, very brightly to the phone said: ah, I'm not free tonight, the car is broken in the subway, looking for a duck is very handsome, ready to go to the open room! The crowded car instantly quiet. I glanced at the big mom next to me, and when I turned my face back, I found that the whole car was staring at myself.
4, four years of roommates, only ate her to the five of us divided into a petal of orange, did not see the error, really is a petal of orange. Eating snacks are never to get their own bed to eat, eat and then get out of bed. Each person in the dormitory charges two dollars for electricity, the roommate said we used her electricity, should not let her pay and to give her money! More importantly... I saw on her camera one time that her family had five Audis! Five cars! Home with cameras!
5, I eat heavy taste, like more salt. One day, my roommate asked me: what does Pin mean? I'm too lazy to pay attention to him (he likes to ask some strange questions), said casually: is the meaning of eating. My roommate nodded his head as he thought about it, and he looked as if it was so. A few days later, my girlfriend came to the dormitory to talk to me, and my roommate was lying on the bed reading a book. When I talked to my girlfriend about taste, she asked me: How is your taste? Girlfriend words just finished, the roommate will throw down the book, sat up and grabbed the answer: he has always been heavy taste. I immediately face green.
6, coach: relax, no need to be nervous. Well, I'm not nervous, my friend said the test when the coach next to the dog on the line.
7, the doctor: how can not find my pen? I want to give you a prescription. The patient reminded in a whisper: doctor, you did not put it in my armpit!
8, graduated for many years, today's Teacher's Day, the teacher I miss you, you worked hard. You teach me the knowledge I have returned to you, you see when the tuition back to me, I'm good to buy an iphone6s!
9, the two mouths go to buy clothes, the wife hesitated between a thick and a thin clothes, do not know which one is good, and asked her husband: you said to buy which one is good? Husband said: if you will wash the clothes, buy the thick one. Wife laughed and told the boss: wrap this thin one for me.
10, the night and friends after drinking, I own taxi home, just on the cab, the driver asked me: young man, are you drinking? I was a little surprised: Yo! Master you this nose enough spirit, have smelled the smell of alcohol on my body? The driver said: smell your sister ah! You come down from the top of my car first!
11, wife: you just focus on watching TV, and even the faucet is broken do not care, the water is fast to the home drowned, you quickly look at it. Husband: see what ah? In which channel?
12, out to meet the beggar looking for me to ask for money, said a few days without food, I just put the change to buy a steamed bun, see his poor points 2 to him, Nima he even said that I sent to the beggar ah is he not a beggar?
13, today a buddy cut a ball head, and he joked: brother just out of prison it! He looked at me and said: you want to force me to go to jail again? Then I was silent.
14, a female sister has to have one hundred and forty pounds, every night with the ladies dancing square dance action all kinds of retarded yesterday pulled me to watch, and then asked me to dance looks how? I said: I think you dance looks like a little swan she said: really well! It seems that I have lost weight ah I went on to say: is a small swan brand drum washing machine
15, I simply can not think of what to send a gift to his wife to congratulate her on her birthday, this gift can not be too expensive, but also to make her happy. Write her an anonymous love letter.
16, I was lying in the hospital bed, asked the nurse: love is no more, no more affection, no more friendship, no more health, no more money, I am not nothing? The nurse quickly and gently said: how can you say so yourself? You are not still sick.
17, operating a fashion store Mrs. Shana recently very troubled, because the left side of the florist began to turn to the business of fashion, not only store than their own large, and the competitors also played an angry sign here the most cost-effective trade! . A wave is not calm, a wave again, Mrs. Shana's heart of a mouth has not been eliminated clean, fashion store on the right side of the florist also began to do business in fashion, and also played a in Mrs. Shana seems to be a very eye-catching slogan here the cheapest price! Thinking hard for several days, eat bad sleep, Mrs. Shana finally came up with a countermeasure in their own fashion store directly above the door hung a large sign entrance.
18, remember once with a female colleague drinking party, drink female colleague also drunk said I want to let me sleep with her at night, I listened to a slap in the past, to leave her alone, I think she must want to take advantage of the time I fell asleep to steal two hundred dollars in my pocket, I really did not think she is this kind of person, I yuck!
19, some time ago, the unit physical examination, a colleague long fat blood vessels are not obvious, the doctor tied a number of needles did not draw blood, helplessly said comrades, you really ~ ~ en, you really strong, colleagues are very real, doctor, I'm not strong, I'm fat
20, one day I saw a buddy and said to him: Buddy, your jeans are broken out still wear out? Buddy said: now popular this, you know a line ball. I looked at his exposed chrysanthemums, thought city people really play
21, one day, the old lady and his partner to watch TV. After a commercial was broadcasting a beauty contest. The old man took a look and blushed, got up and went inside. The old lady laughed: this old man is quite feudal. A moment, the old man came back, sitting upright in front of the TV, just, set a pair of glasses wife's nagging wife: your ear Mo Yan is when it is good? Husband: on the day your throat began to inflame
22, yesterday morning at three o'clock, LZ home from work, the road met a wonderful woman lying on the ground, and also wear a special exposed, a look know is a nightclub work, and also drunk, I think I have the opportunity to go up to help a hand, leaning on the beautiful woman turned his head and spit me all over. I've been thinking, is she drunk or look at my looks spit.
23, wife: just now in the old Zhang's house, you even drank five cups of tea, you did not say that a drink of tea at night can not sleep? Husband: But, in the face of can drink white fragrant tea not drink, go home I can not sleep more.
24, I came out of the hospital, downcast. Suddenly, a fortune-teller stopped me: Mr., do you want to tell your fortune? I was in a bad mood, roared: you count a bird ah, this master with you count! The fortune teller only smiled faintly and pinched his fingers, saying: yes, I count your bird, hey, something is wrong with your bird, right? I instantly worshipped: Master, how do you know? Master laughed: the so-called outside strong, outside strong, inside naturally weak. I asked: Master, what should I do to get rid of my troubles? Master said: You need to be softer on the outside, like a pseudo-maiden! I also asked: like a pseudo-maiden I can get hard? Master said: of course not ah! But when the pseudo-maiden into a little sufferer, hard can not get up can live a happy life ah, then it will not worry! I:
25, A: my boyfriend has everything, have a car, have a room, have savings. B: sighed: my boyfriend also have everything, have a bike, have a rental, have a loan. C: a long sigh: my boyfriend is really everything, even his wife has.
26, men and women like to go to the park together on weekends. One day, and friends blind turn hoo, tired of sitting on a bench and chatting. Suddenly, my friend pointed in a direction and said: Look, what is going on over there? Everyone looked in that direction, and it turned out to be a couple hugging and kissing. So, one of the friends got upset, in broad daylight and in public, they were making out like that, it's so uncharacteristic! I'm going to go over and say something to him. So suddenly everyone starts talking about what they can say in the past to separate them very gracefully. #$^#%#@ (A burst of lip service!) At this point, I popped up and said: go over there and tell them: add a mouth, okay? There was a fit of giggles.
27, two friends recently bought a new fish tank, and then a variety of friends circle show him to buy fish. A few days ago, suddenly no movement, call him and ask him, he told me that: days of cold, for fear of fish freeze to death, bought a hot, want to add heat to the water, the results fell asleep, woke up and found the fish are cooked.
28, a buddy is a car rental company, one day at noon to go to his company idle turn, I asked him: every day to rent a car to others, have encountered strange guests? The goods looked at the yard, said: that person early in the morning to rent a car, and now not pour out.
29, yesterday, I drank a female colleague with some wine, female colleagues and I said drink very happy, would like to lean on my shoulder to sleep, said while leaning over the old man on the spot on the spot, a slap fan over said: Damn, said the big drink three boxes, if who first fell who pay the bill, which reversed want to eat ah, to the old man to get out of calf
30, this morning, my girlfriend pampered me: Dear, people's Apple 6 accidentally fell to the ground bad, you see don't worry I pulled out a Nokia from my pocket and said, has been ready for you, this is not afraid to fall.
25 classic funny quotes _ laugh sprayed1, aunt in the bedroom sprayed with anti-mosquito drugs, take the niece out for a walk. On the way, my niece asked: aunt, why don't you buy two pounds of meat hanging in the house, so that the mosquitoes are full, it will not bite us?
2, I: boss how much is this dress? Boss: 200, to a? I: 300 sell? The boss was first flabbergasted: sell, how not to sell! I: then you sell 300, anyway, I do not buy.
3, today I want to romanticize the wife bought a bunch of roses never bought before ~ to the wife's first reaction is a surprise, the second reaction is to say that I wasted money, the third reaction is to scold me you damn is not to do the wrong thing to the old lady? Do not say now still on the couch can not sleep! I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do that, but I'm going to be able to do it!
4, wife pregnant, weight gain, I told my wife: look at you fat, I really can not see! The second wife returned a sentence: you a meal into the shit where to get the courage to joke about a meal into the meat of the people ah! Instantly I was petrified.
5, boys dormitory suddenly blackout, students shouted: incoming, incoming! Not a moment later, electricity really came. God the boys cheered together: to women, to women! Management of the dormitory aunt came, yelled: all to the old lady shut up.
6, I remember the previous class when the exam paper, sent down the moment, I was in the speed of thunder and lightning to block the score dare not look, and then carefully move the palm of the hand, the first to see a number: 7, the heart is nervous, it will not be 57 it, and then move, and then move, wipe wipe wipe wipe, on the test of the 7 points, Nima.
7, when I was a child, the teacher did a home visit, coincidentally met my house in the siege of rats, the room has a big rat but looking for a long time has not been found, suddenly the teacher's eyes locked curtains. At that time, my mom and I were very scared, nervously watching the teacher carefully pulled the curtains, the results! A huge rat fell down and hit the teacher hard, my mom and I panicked and grabbed all the tools in our hands and beat the teacher as hard as we could! The next day the teacher did not come to class!
8, in the street to hear a little too much and a little Lori talking, little too much: I give you an ice cream, you and I go with it ~ Lori: Hum, I will not for an ice cream with you! Little Zhengtai: 2! Little Lori: Wait a minute, I have to go home and pack some things.
9, the little sister two years old from home to Guilin, a kindergarten, because just transferred to school, so a mouthful of vernacular accent. The teacher found my aunt said: you have to hurry to teach the child Mandarin, his Mandarin is quite not standard! My sister said: I know this problem, I am slowly correcting it. The teacher said: that's good, you have to hurry up, now half of the children in the class have spoken this flavor
10, when I was a child, my mother gave me and my sister a person to buy a piggy bank, happy, pocket money do not want to spend to save inside. At that time, stupidly do not know that there is a hole below the money can be taken out, until one day my sister and I saw my mother is seriously out of the money, at that moment, my sister and I embraced and cried
11, the morning of his wife angry, this goods actually took out two Amoxicillin capsule, disassembled the powder poured out, and then handed me a toothpick, said that dipped in toothpicks to eat the end of the forgiveness of me. This acidic! This ruthlessness! Who did she learn that from?
12, passing a fortune-telling booth in the morning, heard the booth with a little girl said: marriage is not difficult to seek, you only need to spend 1000 yuan to ask the fate of the fee, I can help you find Prince Charming. I knew it was a scammer as soon as I heard it, and out of goodwill, I hurriedly reminded the little girl: don't listen to him! You look so ugly, spend how much money are not married!
13, my family has a small dog! I have a puppy at home, and it barks every day, and it's very annoying. Today I can't stand it! Blocked it in the corner and asked it: I recently peach blossom luck is not strong. This goods even three days did not call, I seem to understand what!
14, the Buddha Hall, the master is speaking to the disciples: the master for your name is not casual, but the master of your expectations, do you understand? The disciples all answered yes, only one disciple silent, the master saw, asked the disciple said: round silence, why do you not speak?
15, to the cafeteria to eat aunts after playing dishes I immediately put my hands together eyes and nose a line: Amitabha Buddha, thank you! Auntie asked: young man believe in Buddhism? I said no ah, see this fasting rice I thought you believe in Buddhism! Auntie said: I don't like the meat, big faces eat less, short people work hard, ugly people read more, mouth is spiteful eat more vegetarian! Not to say, this meal I have to eat on my knees
16, recently, my girlfriend moved me. I want to thank my girlfriend. Really, I remember not and girlfriend with object before, I every year is not birthday, birthday is just plain eat bowl of longevity noodles even after. Since my girlfriend and I have been in a relationship, I have been able to have two birthdays every year: one is my girlfriend's solar birthday, and the other is my girlfriend's lunar birthday, and I'm really touched!
17, Grandpa came home and saw my father in a frenzy to beat me, and hastened to stop, asked the cause, the rabbit saw someone die, people are throwing paper money, think flowers and green, ran to pick up. That's not so bad to beat a child, right? However, father, I asked him why pick up, he said, after the grandfather died, not to buy, directly spread.
18, 6:20 in the morning or so, I picked up ninety thousand downstairs by waiting for the car, in the spirit of picking up money, I very much want to return to the owner. Now has been standing in place and so on. Have passed more than ten hours, the owner has not come. Now I'm looking for the owner by all means! Trouble all the paragraph friends to tell each other, help forwarding, to find the owner as fast as possible! I am very worried. A pair of mahjong missing a 90,000 how to play ah?
19, two-year-old son is very naughty, pestering his mother not to do housework. So I said: son, come over, dad to tell you the story of the "little girl selling matches" how ah? I didn't expect my son to ask me, "Daddy, what is a match? I was really puzzled by this question. I didn't have any matches at home. I couldn't explain it to him clearly. I had no choice but to say: let your mom tell you about the Little Girl Who Sells Lighters.
20, today walking on the road to see a child kneeling on the side of the road begging, suddenly compassionate! Pulled out 20 dollars to put that is ready to go, only to hear the child said: Thank you uncle! Aye! Who are you calling? I but 22 points actually called me uncle! See this child not only poor but also blind ah! Immediately picked up all the money on the ground and ran! I don't want to talk about it! Now also lying in the hospital treatment it!
21, one night, the baby suddenly pouted and protested to his mother: Mom, you're so cheap! I'm not sure what I'm talking about. What did mom do wrong? Mom looked at the baby, winking, make a sincere look. The baby pointed his hand and said loudly: "Mom, you see, Grandma gave birth to you, you're so big, but you gave birth to me so small, you're too cheap!
22, music class, the teacher told: what is called high key? What do you mean by low key? Wu deserted, was caught by the teacher, questioned him: he hesitated for a while back: this is good to say, you see the same is to take away your money. A thief is low profile, silent. But the robber is high-profile: loud intimidation: robbery! Hand over all your money! After hearing, the teacher was half dead angry, the students laughed.
23, home on the road to see a man and a woman arguing, the woman argued a few sentences and said: you did not say that this life are ignoring me? You have the guts to go ah! Male is also arguing loudly: you really think I dare not? Waiting to send you to the home will ignore you! The whole process, the two people have been pulling hands. As a single dog, I suffered 10000 points of storm damage in minutes.
24, a male crush on a woman for a long time, one day he finally plucked up the courage to confess to the girl. Male: please accept my love, do my girlfriend? WOMAN: I'm sorry, I don't like you! M: I had feelings for you when I first saw you. Don't you have any feeling for me at all? WOMAN: Yes! M: Thank God! WOMAN: Only it was the feeling of wanting to throw up!
25, one day, the same table in class to play with the phone, suddenly, the phone rang, the same table to the phone quickly thrown into my hands, I calmly stood up, looking at me the whole class said: teacher, I played with the phone, you smash it!