We all know that interpersonal skills are important, but how important are they? As early as the 1930s, the Carnegie Foundation for Teaching and Learning found a law: a person can achieve, only 15% is dependent on the professional ability to obtain, the other 85% are dependent on personality traits and leadership skills. This rule is still valid even in industries that require high levels of specialized skills.
No matter what kind of work you do, you'll need some skills to improve your interpersonal skills. And Carnegie's book, Human Weakness, is the best reference book to help you solve this problem.
01 About Human Weakness; About Carnegie
If you are interested in human relations, I suggest you must read this book, because this book can be said to be the originator of human relations books, if you hear the word "human relations" a few words on the headache, I also suggest you must read this book. Suggest that you must read this book "human weakness", because this book will actually change your existing human relations situation.
Human Weakness was first published in 1937, and as soon as it hit the market, it took the world by storm, and over the decades it was translated into almost every major language in the world, with total global sales of up to 150 million copies. Carnegie's ideas have changed the destiny of many, many people, including many celebrities you are very familiar with, such as: Edison, the king of invention, the originator of the theory of relativity, Albert Einstein, India's Mahatma Gandhi, "Mickey Mouse" father Walt Disney, Taiwan's plastic king Wang Wang. Walt Disney, the father of Mickey Mouse, Wang Yongqing, the king of plastics in Taiwan, Ray Kroc, the founder of McDonald's, and so on. Kroc, and so on.
Author Dale Carnegie is the founder of modern human relations education in the West, and has been called "the greatest spiritual teacher and master of success in the 20th century". The New York Times said of Carnegie - "Next to Lady Liberty, Carnegie is the symbol of America."
However, such a spiritual teacher, who influenced more than 100 million readers around the world, did not have a smooth start in his life experience.
Carnegie grew up in a poor family, was chronically malnourished, and his clothes were always patched and often made fun of. By the time he reached adolescence, Carnegie hoped to win everyone's approval by becoming an athlete on the baseball field. The problem was, he wasn't much of an athlete, so he just stood on the sidelines and watched the game. Then he realized that people who were good at speaking, what we today call "opinion leaders," could also win the public's approval. So Carnegie made his ambition clear and began to learn to speak.
But unfortunately, Carnegie had no talent for speaking. He participated in 12 consecutive speech contests, and all of them failed without exception. The most disappointing time, he even almost committed suicide. Until he participated in the 13th speech contest, finally got the school trophy, this small success, is an important turning point in his life, he officially embarked on the road of speech, some people special statistics, said Carnegie had listened to one hundred and fifty thousand speeches, is a very amazing number.
You may wonder, since Carnegie is a master of success, surely it is inevitable to write a bunch of chicken soup, right? In fact, not only you, I have also had this question. I remember when I was in college, when the school included this book in the list of required reading, I was quite disdainful, I think it must be a bunch of axioms again. It wasn't until one time later that I inadvertently flipped through a few pages and realized that I had misunderstood the book. As Carnegie himself wrote in the preface, this book is a "book of action", is used to guide people to practice.
But instead of teaching you how to make money and become famous, Carnegie teaches you how to build better relationships in your life, and he does it in the simplest, most pragmatic way. Why did Carnegie write this book? It's interesting to say the least.
In 1925, the University of Chicago and another university did a joint study on what adults most wanted to learn. The findings showed that what adults were most interested in, first, were health issues, and second, relationships. So the university hired Carnegie to run a course devoted to relationships.
Since the course is to be held, there must be a textbook, and Carnegie did not find a systematic and specific textbook on human relations. So, he immediately decided: why don't I write a textbook myself? So, this "human weakness" will be known as the originator of the human relations books.
The reason why I want to read the book "Human Weakness" is because it has a particularly good angle, Carnegie digs out some of the weaknesses that people generally **** have, first let you fully understand yourself and others, and then teach you the way to transform yourself, very targeted.
In this book, he talks about how to get along with your partner and create a happy family life; how to get along with strangers, so that others can quickly trust you and help you; and how to get along with your coworkers at work, etc.
Carnegie's book is a great example of how to get along with your partner and create a happy family life.
In the first chapter, Carnegie first put forward three basic skills in interpersonal communication, which are--
① Don't criticize and blame
② Pay attention to others sincerely
③ Stimulate the needs of others
These three basic skills are very important. The entire book can be covered in these three tips. Let's look at them one by one.
02 Do not blame or criticize others, not even your partner
Because criticism can be very damaging to your relationships. This is one reason. There is another very important reason, please pay attention to listen well: no matter who, no matter what he did wrong, no matter how serious this mistake, in the vast majority of cases, they will not blame themselves, and even more will not easily accept criticism. This is a weakness of human nature. So, Carnegie suggests that it is better not to criticize others.
The original U.S. President Abraham Lincoln suffered such a loss. Carnegie spent ten years studying the great American president and wrote a book about Lincoln. Carnegie found that in Lincoln's younger days, he especially liked to criticize and satirize others, and Lincoln was particularly eloquent, so these satires sounded particularly solid.
Lincoln was a lawyer by profession and often publicly attacked his opponents in the newspaper. One time, he sent an anonymous letter to his local newspaper, satirizing a local politician. The newspaper published the article, and the politician was immediately reduced to the laughing stock of the townspeople. The politician was so angry that he approached Lincoln and wanted to fight him. Lincoln was no match for him in terms of marksmanship, but in order to save face, he had to agree. Fortunately, ah, two of their friends in time to the scene, otherwise, Lincoln is likely to die in the other side of the gun.
This is the most painful lesson in Lincoln's life, almost paid the price of life, since then, Lincoln never criticized satire anyone anything.
So, Carnegie said, "Criticism is like a boomerang that always returns to hurt us. For those who are criticized love to defend themselves and strike back with equally vehement accusations."
The same is true in married life, if you want a happy marriage, don't just criticize your partner, there is an interesting saying: you have to figure out whether you want to be happy or right in your marriage.
There was once a prime minister in Britain called Gladstone. At work, Gladstone is a violent temper, encountered political disagreement, often quarrel with people to the red neck thick. But his family life is very happy.
Gladstone has been married for more than sixty years, and often holds his wife's hand and sings and dances together. He also treated other family members very kindly. Sometimes he gets up early in the morning to work, and before anyone is up, he sings hymns loudly downstairs to remind family members that it's time to get up! No matter what bad things he encountered at work, he never allowed himself to bring his temper home.
And then there was the 18th century Russian Empire - Ekaterina the Great, too. When she reigned, she was in charge of the largest empire in the world. Politically, she was a ruthless monarch, even waging wars that did not lead to victory or progress, and sending her enemies to the execution ground without mercy. It was this queen, who held the power of life and death in her hands, who treated the cooks in her own court with extra leniency. The cook accidentally burnt the rice, the queen never angry, just smile and silently finish the meal.
Neither of them is naturally good-tempered, but they have made great improvements and restraint in their family relationships.
Maybe you're saying, these are stories of great men and famous people, how can ordinary people restrain themselves from criticizing others?
A lot of people think that when you want to criticize a child or a partner, you have to praise them before you criticize them. But the truth is, no matter how much praise you give, people will always remember the last sentence or two of criticism.
For example, if you listen to this example, your husband has never given you flowers, but this time for your birthday, he took the initiative to buy you a bouquet of flowers. You might say, "Well, that's not a bad behavior this time, knowing to send flowers, but whether it will continue in the future, I don't know." You see, it was a happy event, and you also laid the praise, just because of a "but", all the happiness and praise, all canceled out.
Carnegie told you, just need to change a word, all the problems will be solved.
Which one? Replace "but" with "and".
Let's go back to the scene we just played and feel it again: "Well, that was a nice gesture, you knew to send flowers, and I'd love it if you sent me flowers more often in the future."
Feel it, just replace "but" with "and", doesn't it immediately feel different? The praise is there, and your claim is reasonably in place.
Speaking of which, there will certainly be students who will tell me, "Mr. Li, Carnegie's method of teaching is too Buddhist, and if I really meet someone else who made a big mistake and caused me great losses, how can I bear not to criticize or blame?"
This is the first time I've ever seen a person who has made a big mistake, and I've never seen a person who has made a big mistake, and I've never seen a person who has made a big mistake.
03 Criticize each other before talking about their own faults
Carnegie has a niece, called Josephine, Josephine 19 years old, in order to accumulate some work experience, went to New York to Carnegie as an assistant. In the beginning, Josephine business is very unskilled, so it is often wrong.
One day, Carnegie could not stand to watch, and wanted to criticize his niece. But before criticizing, he still restrained himself. Because he thought ah, his age than Josephine older than a round, naturally work experience than her rich, how can they use their own vision and ability to ask a person who just work? Besides, when he was nineteen, he used to do stupid things, and he wasn't as good as his niece. And you never complimented her and even tried to criticize her.
After this mental battle, Carnegie figured it out. From then on, every time he wanted to remind his niece of her mistakes, he would first talk about his own faults, and he would say, "Josephine, you're not doing this right, but this little mistake of yours is nothing compared to the mistakes I made before. You have been so much better than I was when I was young that I am in no position to criticize anyone. But think about it, would it have worked out better if you had handled the matter this way?"
Of course, ah, in life, many people may be in the way, not willing to talk too much about their faults. But in fact, you just need to step over that hurdle in your heart and honestly admit that you're not that perfect and you make mistakes, which can prompt the other person to re-examine their behavior. So when you really have to point out the other person's faults, remember to say your own first.
This is the Carnegie told us to improve interpersonal skills of the first basic method: do not criticize others, if you must criticize, be careful, it is best to talk about their own faults.
04 build interest in others, sincere concern for others
New York telephone company once did a survey, research in the daily telephone, which word is used most frequently. The result was the word "I". In the five hundred calls they surveyed, the word "I" was used more than 3,900 times. No matter what the other person was talking about, everyone was able to bring the conversation back to themselves.
If you think about it, who's the first person you look at when you take a picture with your best friend?
Of course, there's no need to be embarrassed. Carnegie said that the only person people really care about is themselves, and that will never change, now or in the future. Because, well, that's just true human nature.
But the thing is, no matter how hard you try to impress people, to arouse their interest, you can't make good friends. Because real friends can't be gotten that way. Adler, the famous Austrian psychologist, famously said, "A person who does not pay attention to others is bound to experience major setbacks in life, and at the same time bring harm to others."
So, Carnegie tells you that if you want to be popular, you first need to know how to pay attention to others.
Carnegie had a habit of quietly writing down his friends' birthdays. For example, when chatting with friends, he would first ask others if they believed in the horoscope, and then naturally led the conversation to each other's birthdays. At the beginning of each year, he would mark each friend's birthday on his calendar. On the day of his birthday, the other person would definitely receive Carnegie's blessing. Everyone is very happy to receive the blessing, Carnegie also made a lot of close friends.
This method is not difficult, if you can also do in life like Carnegie, pay more attention to friends and colleagues around, inadvertently let each other feel valued, I believe you can also get more friendship.
Roosevelt, the twenty-sixth president of the United States, did the same thing.
He was out of the presidency at the time, and the White House was owned by Taft, the twenty-seventh president. One day, Roosevelt came to visit the White House, Taft and Mrs. just not in. Roosevelt went from person to person and greeted each and every one of the old staff working in the White House before leaving. He remembered the names of every servant and staff member, even the dishwasher.
When he saw Alice, the cook's maid, he made small talk and asked her, "Do you still make cornbread?" Alice said she rarely made cornbread because no one wanted to eat it "upstairs". That means the current president doesn't like it. Roosevelt exclaimed, "That's because they have no taste! That's what I'm going to tell the President when I see him!" Alice rushes to bring Roosevelt a slice of cornbread, and Roosevelt eats it while skulking around the White House, inside and out, saying hello to the florists and workers.
The old White House director, Hoover, has been the director of the White House for forty years, and has met many presidents, but every time he thinks back to the time Roosevelt came to the White House and greeted everyone, it was really full of tears, from the bottom of his heart, he was touched. He said, "We've never been happier in the last two years or so, and that moment meant a thousand dollars to us."
You see, it's a very small gesture, but the emotional value it brings to others is huge. This is another example of the deepest human desire to be valued by others.
You might ask, "How can I focus on everyone when there are so many people around me? Yes, you are very much on point, I have a trick, in fact, this trick is quite simple, that is, with your relationship rating, placed in the A level, you have to spend enough time to pay attention to and greet.
05 less talk about themselves, more talk about what the other party is interested in
There are many ways to pay attention to other people, sometimes, you do not need to eloquently give people all kinds of advice and opinions, listening is the best attention to others. Because Carnegie believes that the people you talk to don't care about you and your problems, they only care about their own desires and worries. So learn to listen first, talk less about yourself, and encourage the other person to talk more about their experiences.
For the greatest contemporary listener, it would be Sigmund Freud. This psychologist you must have heard of, or read his writings. Anyone who has ever dealt with him has said, "He has a quality that is rare in the world". What qualities are these? It turned out that when listening to others, Freud always had kind eyes and a kind voice, basically without any gestures, and his concern for others was also very sincere. Even in the other side to say very painful time incoherent, he is very patient.
That's why Carnegie said that people hiring a doctor sometimes just needs an audience.
During the American Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln wrote to an old friend, asking him to hurry to Washington, saying he had something important to discuss with him. The old friend, who still lived in another state, immediately rushed to the White House after receiving the letter. As soon as Lincoln saw his friend, he began to talk at length about his troubles, such as: Is this the right time to issue the Emancipation Proclamation? What would be the good results? What would be the bad result? Then he read to him some articles published in newspapers and magazines condemning himself. Throughout, Lincoln was the only one pouring out how difficult his situation was, and did not ask the opinion of this old friend who had traveled a long way.
You may want to ask, Lincoln is not to ask people's opinions? How to just focus on their own say ah? In fact, Lincoln needs is not a suggestion, but a trustworthy listener. You think ah, the president of the other people can not solve the problem of the civil war, is a layman's one or two suggestions can be solved? Obviously not. Therefore, President Lincoln's friend is very wise, since the beginning of the patient listening. It is also this conversation, the friend looks nothing to do, but gave Lincoln the opportunity to trust the confidences, so that Lincoln in their own confidences in the clear thinking, unloaded the psychological baggage.
So does this also give us a life lesson?
Whenever the New Year's holidays, you are always afraid of the seven aunts and aunts to you all kinds of urge to fall in love, urge to get married, urge to have two children. Think about what Carnegie told you, "Pay sincere attention to others", "No one is interested in you, they are always more interested in their own troubles." Don't wait for the other person to talk, pay attention to them first, ask the seven aunts, "Did the kids get a job?" "Where is the job?" Then ask the eighth aunt, "When are you going to have grandchildren?" "Are you going to go square dancing before you have grandchildren?" After this, there will be a wave of complaints and tirades, and you just need to listen. Instead of being besieged by relatives, it is better to listen to their troubles, and this is the way Carnegie taught us to live and learn.
Of course, the false feelings can not, Carnegie also reminded us at the same time: to each other's attention, must be "true" as a prerequisite. The first thing you need to do is to get your hands dirty.
This is the second basic way to improve interpersonal skills: pay attention to others sincerely, talk less about yourself and more about each other. Because, the deepest desire in human nature is to be valued by others.
06 Replace orders with guidance
Henry Ford, the founder of Ford Motor Company, said, "If there is a trick to success, it lies in knowing the position of others and being able to take into account both one's own position and that of others." This quote is so eloquent, so much so that Carnegie repeats it twice in his book, in what we often call "altruistic" thinking.
It's simple, but many people don't do it. Because we also said earlier, the weakness of human nature is that people only like to focus on themselves, like to be recognized by others, in short, is two words "selfish". It is not a bad thing to admit selfishness, and the starting point of this book is to let you face your own weaknesses, so that there is a possibility of improvement, in order to target the improvement of social skills.
So when you're trying to persuade someone, or wanting them to help you, the best way to do it is not to harp on what you want, but to ask yourself first, "How can I get the other person to take the initiative and do this?"
There's only one way to do that, and that's this: inspire others to want it.
Carnegie once rented the grand ballroom of a New York hotel and used it for twenty nights each quarter for a lecture series. One day, the hotel owner suddenly told Carnegie, "Sorry, the rent is going up." Carnegie asked, "How much?" The hotel owner said, "Three times."
At this point in time, the tickets for the lecture have been sold out, and the invitations have been mailed out, and the hotel suddenly wants to raise the rent, and it's still a huge amount, three times the price ah, this situation is obviously the price of sitting on the ground, put on the body of anyone who would not want to bear this price. If it is a grumpy person, it is estimated to immediately quarrel with the hotel.
But Carnegie thought, I told the hotel "I do not want" and what is the use?
But Carnegie thought, "What's the point of telling the hotel, "I don't want to," when they only care about their own interests?
A few days later, Carnegie personally visited the hotel manager, first of all, told him, I understand your pain, if I were you, I would also increase the rent, after all, you have the pressure of the performance appraisal. But before the price increase ah, I first come to you to calculate a sum of money.
What account? Carnegie took out a piece of paper and wrote "gain" on one side and "loss" on the other. He pointed to the "gain" and told the manager, "If I don't rent these 20 nights, you can rent them for proms or business meetings, and you'll make more money than you would if you rented them to me.
Then he pointed to the "loss" and told the manager, "First of all, I can't afford to pay the price you're asking, so if you insist on raising the price, I'll have to find another venue, and you won't make a dime. On top of that, you have a loss. The seminar I organize will attract high-end people to your hotel, isn't that good publicity? Even if you spend five thousand dollars to advertise in the newspaper, the effect may not be as good.
The result you must have guessed. The next day Carnegie got a letter from the hotel telling him that the rent had been cut from three hundred percent to fifty percent.
You see, Carnegie didn't mention what he wanted from the beginning, all he said was what the other person wanted and how to fulfill it, which was very clever.
No one likes to be ordered around. If you really want to change someone's mind, you have to think of others and learn from Carnegie, who used step-by-step guidance instead of orders.
07 Inspire others with praise
The book mentions a quote from a philosopher who said, "Deep down at the root of human nature, there is a strong desire for the appreciation of others." Note that the word he used is not "hope" or "desire", but "strong desire".
There was a survey done on why wives run away from home. You can guess what the main reason was? The answer is "not being cherished." The reason is that in a marriage, you get so used to what your partner does that you forget that they are the ones who need to be praised and appreciated.
Carnegie opened the interpersonal communication training course, there is a male student, told the story between himself and his wife -? One day, the man's wife came back from a church training that gave them an after-school assignment that asked husbands to list six of their wives' shortcomings. The man thought to himself, "Finding out my wife's faults, not to mention six, would be a matter of minutes, even ten." But he was smart in that he didn't respond immediately, but said to his wife, "Let's do it this way, I'll think about it at night and talk to you in the morning.
The next day, this husband got up early, quietly called the florist, asked them to help prepare six red roses, and then wrote a sentence on the card, "I can't think of anything you need to change, because I love all of you." That night, this husband came home to a wife who was already waiting for him at the door, practically on the verge of tears with joy.
The same method of praise works well with the bears in the family.
The book has such an example. Hopkins in a New York elementary school teacher, the first day of school, she looked at the student roster, found that the school's most naughty bear child, was divided into his class. She had heard great things about this Tommy many times before, he was not only naughty, but also violated the school rules many times, but the bear child also has an advantage, that is, the ability to learn is very strong, the school homework is never difficult to defeat him.
Hopkins decided to take care of this troublesome Tommy. At the beginning of the school year, she made it a point to compliment each student, such as, "Rose, your dress is so pretty." "Alicia, I hear you're great at drawing!" Notice how the compliments to the other students are very specific, detail-oriented compliments. When it was Tommy's turn here, Hopkins said to Tommy, "Tommy, I know you were born to be a leader, and I hope you'll help me make our class the best class in the entire fourth grade." How can a fourth grader handle that level of praise? And bears were never the ones to be criticized. In the days that followed, Hopkins also continued to emphasize that she had confidence in Tommy, praising him for everything he did and commenting that she could tell that Tommy was a good student. In the end, the nine-year-old boy really did make a very big difference.
Praise is something that everyone can do in life, but it is also the most overlooked virtue because people think only of themselves ninety-five percent of the time. Remember, whoever you want to change, praise them first.
This is the third basic way to improve interpersonal skills: to change someone, first stimulate their needs, lead instead of command, and motivate with praise.
Review
1, the most common problems encountered by adults in their daily lives is the problem of interpersonal communication. In the book "Human Weaknesses", the author Carnegie excavated some of the weaknesses that people generally **** have, and first let you fully understand yourself and others, and then teach you how to quickly and effectively improve your interpersonal skills.
2. Carnegie puts forward three important basic skills in interpersonal communication, and the content of the whole book can be completely covered in these three skills.
- First, do not criticize others, if you have to criticize, be careful, it is best to talk about their own faults.
-The second one is to pay attention to others sincerely, and talk less about yourself and more about the other person. Because the deepest desire of human nature is to be valued by others.
-Third, to change others, you must first stimulate the needs of the other person, use guidance instead of orders, and use praise to motivate others.
The reasoning is easy to say, but it's not easy to do, and you need to keep practicing it in your life. I hope that today's reading will be helpful to you, and I hope that we can all face our weaknesses head on, and also overcome them to become masters of interpersonal relationships!