Is the office vacuum there after I leave the office? So the chair was delayed like this? Is the table so clean? When I left the studio, the painting was not dry yet, the brush was still moist, half of the agarwood was slowly burning, everything was silent, and the smell was frozen there. Wu Changshuo in the album is smiling crookedly, so far yet so close. I always feel that something will open its eyes and watch for me, and watch for itself. There is hope every second in the space, and sometimes it is updated moment by moment, and there is also a little bit of uncertainty...
The geese flying south outside the window were shouting and flapping their wings. I couldn’t recognize any of them. Are you sure the one looking back doesn’t recognize me? No, it must be nostalgic for something, and it must be crying without tears.
I once desperately wanted to sell Buck, a black Labrador. When it was taken away by its new owner, it looked at me with very resentful eyes. I sadly decided. The way it urinates looks so much like a human being, like a shameless man unbuttoning his pants openly in front of everyone. I couldn't stand it, I was embarrassed, Buck wouldn't understand, Buck couldn't change.
I stood on the fourth floor and saw the dense autumn rain hitting the cold cement floor and breaking into pieces in circles. I saw Master Li jogging all the way to pick up the sign on the parking space and let Mr. Zhou's car park. Mr. Zhou rolled down the window and smiled. Master Li was already waiting there with a smile. I saw groups of people queuing up to have their fingerprints pressed. If you press the right gate, it will snap apart and let you in. It makes people feel a faint joy. They have won so easily and been recognized so early in the morning.
Yes, I wander through fragments of daydreams every day. Only then did I feel unhindered and free. I'm looking for it without any purpose. I just passed by a park, and the trees stood there motionless, like people who didn't want to express their opinions. When the wind blows, they open their teeth and claws like a metaphor. I walked around their branches and leaves from a distance, and we comforted each other. Being born as a tree cannot be indifferent. I deeply regret that I was born a human being.
Think about the time when I was very young, with such a good memory and a photographic memory, and I held my head high and looked down at all living beings like an elder brother.
That day, my parents went out and the house was quiet. I put the blanket around me, stretched out my hands from my "monk's robe", and clasped my hands together.
There was a broken round mirror in front of me. I saw a white smile rippling inside, and a few azure blood vessels squirming between my eyebrows.
I asked: "Can you persist in not killing living things until the end of your physical life?"
I answered: "Yes."
Then asked: "You can live your whole life without stealing. Can you hold on to it now?"
He answered again: "I can hold on to it."... This was Jue Yuan's dialogue when he was ordained. I closed my eyes and felt the coolness of the sword. passed over my head. Really, I heard my own voice.
I ask again: "Can you persist in not having sexual desires until the end of your physical life?"
...
This is an erratic and rough voice, The lingering sound of Mandarin is mixed with local accent and some uncertainty. Looking at the young face in the mirror, I suspected that the voice did not belong to me. Or maybe the image in the mirror is not me. People and sounds are slowly overlapping and entangled.
This year, I am ten years old. This is a morning with autumn rain and autumn wind. Suddenly, I stood up and shouted coldly!
In this way, for the first time, I had a me, questioned me, and strayed from me. I have to slowly accept and adapt.
"If you think according to me, you can understand me; if you think according to me, you can recognize people." As a young man, I murmured to the endless streets and green mountains beside the Jinjing River. Gradually, I thought that the words belonged to me. I couldn't tell whether the voice belonged to me or to Shen Congwen.
One summer day under the stars, I was watching TV among the crowd. Zhang Manye’s family opened a consignment store, and his family was the first to buy the first black and white TV, a 14-inch one. The TV is placed inside the window, with vertical strips of window steel in front of the screen. On TV, Han Xin was killed by Empress Lu. In the empty palace, Han Xin's gibbering shouts echoed: "On my back, I have the appearance of an emperor!" "Appearance! Appearance!! Appearance!!!" Sad. Echoes floated out from the city walls and fell into the dark crowd. The crowd dispersed quickly, Han Xin ended his life, and the hustle and bustle of the small mountain village ended. Turn off the lights and go to sleep, black on top of black, silence on top of silence.
I couldn't sleep, my head was buzzing, and the sound of "the birds are gone, the good bows are hidden; the cunning rabbits are dead, the lackeys are cooked" can be heard all over the mountains and plains. Kuai Tong helped Han Xin to meet him, saying that he had the appearance of an emperor behind him, and persuaded Han Xin to rebel against Liu Bang, but Han Xin refused. Before dying, Han Xin turned his back to Empress Lu and said calmly and decisively with the words "the appearance of an emperor". I was so excited that I couldn't describe it. I was draped in a blanket, looking up at the moon, facing the mountains and countryside alone, my clothes fluttering. I feel that only in this way can I be able to communicate with Han, understand all the things in the world, and observe them silently.
One day, Zhang Benfu, who failed the college entrance examination again, and I were lying side by side on a pile of straw. He watched "Mother of a Slave" whenever he had time. He suddenly grabbed my hand and said, "I will definitely To jump out of the farm gate, yes, I will be an emperor in this life." "Phase! Phase!" The echo hit my heart like a drum.
Following this voice, I began to study seriously, treat others kindly, cherish things and life, bathe diligently, and strive for self-improvement and self-respect. But when I looked at the squinting Zhang Benfu and the black spot on the right side of his nose, I was full of doubts: "Is this what an emperor looks like?" He, who was a bit taller than me, stood there with a smile, touching himself with his hands. face, turned around and walked towards home. I shouted loudly: "My whole life, I have the appearance of an emperor! The appearance! The appearance!!!" When I saw Zhang Benfu again, his face was covered with blood, and he used a knife to scratch out the black spots. He stood in front of me, majestic.
Now, Zhang Benfu is sitting on the field ridge holding his grandson, with a small stab wound remaining on his right cheek. Looking at him, I suddenly wanted to say to him: "It might have been better if you changed your name back then!" I looked at the dimming light in his eyes and said nothing. I sat down side by side with him, and I separated. Give him a cigarette and he smokes it loudly.
Yes, I heard my own voice along the way. The sound came to my face with image and smell. I was reading a book, and a voice said: "Reading well can cure stupidity." I felt full in my heart and spiritual energy was surging around me. I saw a man walking over wearing sunglasses and with a bald head, and I whispered to myself
"I have never been afraid to speculate on the Chinese people with the greatest malice," and then walked away from afar. Studying alone outside, thinking about home in the dead of night. As I was writing, I read, "A seven-foot man can sacrifice himself in life; he will never return home until he is a ghost." I encouraged myself to grow up in a tragic and exuberant atmosphere. I can find references in life everywhere. My voice and my keywords guide me through all the uncertainties. I have countless incarnations in my voice, and I am like a dream and a flower in my voice. Deflectingly, I followed my own voice and walked out along the Jinjing River, and then returned home along the Jinjing River.
I don’t know when the day started, my memory of this world began to blur and collapse. I forgot who was who, I didn’t know what to do, I was often at a loss, and I often stood at night. I looked around at a loss, I had nothing, I was useless, so I had to write something. If my memory was not good, I could only rely on impressions, I could only rely on intuition, I could just listen to my own heartbeat stupidly, I could only daydream, I could just ignore it. East, west, north and south.
We walk in this empty world together with saints and common people, mountains and rivers. We are exploited by the shadows in the mountains, exploited by the lonely starry sky, exploited by the boundless unknown, and exploited by the mountain gods and Bodhisattvas. Exploited.
When the sound of the piano sounded, I challenged myself by going home, walking toward the painting desk to challenge, going toward the officials, the people, and toward my friends, relatives, and enemies. My eyes filled with tears. I think I love it all, or maybe because I have nothing else to love. However, what is there in the world worth loving? I must love something, I am infatuated with an expression, and I am infatuated with this huge and boundless coldness under the world.