The stigma of the family of origin can not be changed
The stigma of the family of origin can not be changed, a lot of people because of the family of origin is good, and thus are not willing to work hard, inherently superior, in fact, the family of origin should not become an excuse for you not to live and work well, the following to talk about the stigma of the family of origin can not be changed.
The stigma of the family of origin cannot be changed.1Do you understand the impact of the family of origin on a person? What was your attitude toward your spouse? Have you ever had a heated argument with each other in front of your children? Doo Ma used to think that it's fine as long as both parents give enough love to their children, but after reading this article by Tiny Sue's mom, I realized that parents not only need to give love to their children, but also need to love each other, so that their children can be truly happy.
She has a master's degree in education from Columbia University, specializing in parent-child reading and bilingualism, and lives in New York City.
Last week I did a little call in the background: what is your family of origin imprint? What are some of the pains you went through as a child that you would least want your child to go through again? Will you make conscious changes in your parenting to lovingly remove that stigma from your children?
I had thought that most of the damage in the family of origin was related to serious character flaws in the parents (e.g., indifference, favoritism, and scolding of the child), and to my surprise, 22 of the dozens of responses I received in the background expressed, "Children can only be happy if their parents love each other."
One of them is very long, but also the most impressive, after the mother's consent to share it with you:
Su mother, see you a few hours before this call, just happened to learn that my parents divorced, a blunt knife cut the meat of the twenty years, and finally ended with the little girl to find the door.
When I was a child, I knew my father had a mistress outside. Even children can see clearly, but my mother has been avoided, choosing to retaliate with quarrels my father's infidelity. My mother was relentless in her crusade against my father in front of me. My father, on the other hand, has always dealt with my mother with cold violence, turning a deaf ear to her hysteria. Now the little three gradually also got older, not willing to end up alone, this spring raw pierce this layer of paper, parents only dragged to sign the divorce agreement, not happy. From memory, mother often hanging on the lips of the two words is divorce. But after arguing with my parents, my mom always changed her mind and told me at a young age, "You think I don't want to divorce? I'm not divorced because of you.
I remember one New Year's Eve, my parents were arguing again, and I had nowhere to hide, so I had to run out of the house, wandering alone in the cold streets, and almost being harassed by punks. My entire adolescence was plagued by anxiety and self-blame, always feeling that I was the cause of my mother's marital unhappiness, and how much sacrifice my mother had to make to be able to endure this misfortune to give me a "complete home".
As an adult, I realized that my mother didn't want to divorce because she didn't want to divorce herself, and her children didn't have anything to do with it. My home is a hundred times more fragmented than some single-parent families, and my mother used the name of the child to escape the failure of the marriage. The only thing I can see from my mother is that a woman who faces the twists and turns of marriage does not have the courage to start over, weak and pathetic.
Now that my father is finally with his "true love", and my mother can finally go to the square dance without fear of being gossiped about, I feel a kind of inexplicable relief, if they had made this decision twenty years ago, it would have been so good. My husband comes from a single parent family and our son is now 3. The most important thing for us as a couple is to love each other. I believe that is the best gift for a child.
There were 21 other messages in this call, all of which expressed sentiments similar to this mom's, to varying degrees.
Whether or not your children will be happy in their future marriages depends largely on how you treat your spouse.
Being ignored by one's parents when one is a child is a painful experience, but even worse than being ignored is having parents who resent each other and argue. In the eyes of a child, this experience is far more damaging than the damage caused by a parent's divorce.
The unhappy, unloved spouse will unwittingly impose his or her need for love on the child, allowing the child to take the place of the partner, a replacement destined to be a controlling relationship because of the child's weakness.
Marriage is supposed to be a deep connection, and children are the product of that connection. Because of this, children are born with a strong need for their father to love their mother and their mother to love their father.
A child who has this need met radiates happiness. My grandmother's neighbor, Little M, is such a child. I remember once going to Little M's house to play, Little M's mom was cooking in the kitchen, and Little M's dad came home from work, carrying a bag of grapes in his hand. He greeted us at the door, went to the kitchen, washed the grapes, and put one into Little M's mom's mouth, saying, "You've worked hard, try some first. Little M and I leaned on the kitchen door frame and watched the scene, Little M looked at the back of her parents, her face was full of happiness.
The ultimate security for a child comes from a family that loves each other y.
If you don't love each other anymore, fix your relationship or separate first. Don't let your children witness your mess, and don't tell them that you're not divorcing because of him.
Having carefully read everyone's messages on this topic, I realized that the flaws of the family of origin are actually transmissible, because children are observing and copying their parents' patterns of getting along with each other all the time. For example, a father who loves to yell at his children may have had a powerful father himself; a mother who often blames her children may have been blamed a lot growing up. Even if we sometimes hate a certain behavior of our parents when we were young, we will unconsciously do the same when we grow up. This is "copying" at work.
When we become parents ourselves, it's a great opportunity to change.
Although Wu Zhihong constantly refers to the family of origin in his articles, and believes that the influence of bad family of origin is difficult to be overcome. However, psychologist Li Songwei made a different sound about this, publishing an article, "For the popular theory of the family of origin, I'm going to drop three bombs," in which he made the following conclusions about the effects of the family of origin:
1, recognizing that people who have been harmed by their families of origin are actually better off.
2, the feeling of being branded by your family of origin may be the brain lying to you.
3, You can get rid of your family of origin anytime you want, just be prepared.
One way to understand this is to say that you can blame your family of origin for being bad before you turn 30, and you can only blame yourself for being bad afterward.
In my opinion, the influence of the family of origin is really great, but in a person's life, the really terrible is not the family of origin, but the self refuses to grow, want to change the influence of the family of origin, these books may help you:
1, "Born not this"
This book is mainly to change the influence of the family of origin.
This book focuses on changing a common belief - that a lot of things in people are innate. The truth is that the way of education and the environment play a very crucial role in the development of a child's temperament. There is a high chance that a child born with a mental illness will also be mentally ill; genes play a very small role, and the main reason is that parents with mental problems are not raising their children in the right way. This notion is important, if our temperament and habits really do come from genetics, there is no chance of changing them.
In the book, author Oliver explores in detail what makes us more and more like our parents, and how a child's birth order, gender, and parental favoritism affects his personality. We are the way we are today as a result of our parents' words, love, abuse, and our identity with them **** the same influence, and the nurturing patterns of the family of origin, if not changed, will follow the person like genes to exert influence in the family.
2. Family of Origin
In this book, the authors analyze the types of "toxic" parents and how what they do harms their children and continues to affect their lives. Recognizing and acknowledging the damage they have done is the first step. More importantly, the book also gives some actionable tips. After all, complaining about one's family of origin is not the goal, the real goal is to repair the damage that has been done and get out of the shadows.
One of the key points is also very easy to get wrong. About taking responsibility, it is important to distinguish between what is the responsibility of the parents and what is their own responsibility, and it is incorrect to put all the fault on the parents or on yourself. It's not right to put all the blame on your parents or on yourself. Acknowledge the harm your parents have done to you, let the anger and sadness flow out of you, and at the same time take responsibility for yourself and make a list of what you can do in your relationship with your parents.
3. The Art of Loving
According to author Erich, a person's ability to love is greatly influenced by his or her parents, but this is not the only element; the effort of self-independence and the act of loving also have a lot of power.
There is an almost instinctive desire to love, but true love is extremely scarce in our time, and people are mired in a fog of emotion. Ehrlich's point in the book is deafening: "Every attempt to love fails if one does not try to develop one's whole personality and in this way achieve a creative tendency; and one is never satisfied in one's own love life if one does not have the capacity to love others, if one does not really love them humbly, courageously, sincerely and with discipline.
4. Self-analysis
People who are greatly influenced by their families of origin grow up with a lot of repressed anger, and these emotions can only really disappear if they are seen and understood, and joy can really well up inside. If you want to change but don't know the exact way, if you don't want to be completely dependent on a psychiatrist, if you want to understand yourself more y and gain the ability to heal yourself, this book will surely give you a lot of inspiration.
At the end of the day, parents can't be chosen, and families can't be changed, but the imprint of our family of origin can really be partially diminished by our efforts. As long as you have the courage to accept, dare to take that step, it is possible to meet a more excellent self.