Yin Jianling (from Readers, second half of November 2011, Issue 242)
Life is no longer mysterious, but we never stop looking forward to it.
We have no time to be alone, we only have time to be joyful.
--Title
The Other Side of the World
--Shen Ruowen
I am dead.
The moment my toes left the balcony, I regretted it. However, my body turned into a feather and flew on the wind. It was not a heavy fall, but flight. But I am not a bird of prey after all; I am going to throw myself into the arms of the earth.
Peach, poplar, yew, toon, the golden color of the setting sun shines on a large green shade, they smile to welcome me, the green that is too thick to melt in front of my eyes beckons. And the black "spear" on the ground floor fence is sending me a fierce warning.
I struggled.
I fall.
Even with all the remorse in my heart right now, I can't control my body, I can't get myself back to that warm window.
If there really was an angel, she would have seen my body arc gracefully to the left in the air, as if lightning had struck an exclamation point in the sky. My shirt brushed lightly against the crown of the tiny toon tree, and the branches crackled and snapped, and I heard the tree groan lowly.
I lay silently on my back, one foot hanging from a branch, but with a smile on my face if nothing else. I fell into the infinite darkness for a split second, the blackness so thick it couldn't be broken wrapped around me like a snake.
Shrieks of terror, the sound of streaking footsteps, and the sighs and cries of despair rang out all around me.
My bones shattered and my head dipped in blood. I tried to wriggle out of my pain-ridden body, to take one more look at my dad, who was holding me and crying, and to make another harmless joke at his expense, but to no avail. Dad took off his white shirt and frantically wiped my blood-stained head as he smacked my face like a madman, and he looked completely unrecognizable to me. Dad, I'm sorry, oh, and mom.
Dad and mom: I'm sorry, I'm ungrateful. Please live well and forget me.
The only words I left in my suicide note to my parents were these two. I love them the most, but when I left this world, the words I left them were the most stingy. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to say in return for the love they have raised me with for 13 years. I loathe words, words can be honey or they can kill and be a sharp weapon, and just an hour before I fell, I had been poked and prodded with the dagger of words. In that moment, the pain in my heart far outweighed the torment my flesh had suffered, and the whole world squeezed into one point of my heart, leaving me nowhere to run.
But I can only choose to use words to say goodbye to the world, to make an account to those who love me and those who don't.
To my classmates:
I have done a lot of wrong things and hurt you. Here, I say sorry to you all.
Thank you all for the time you spent with me, even if I die, I will never forget it.
I hope you guys will be happier than me
I had thought of many, many things to say, but I forgot them all when I put pen to paper. So, goodbye.
Classmate Shen Ruowen
To Mr. Fang:
It was just a thought that made me decide. In seven days, on June 20, it will be my thirteenth birthday.
How I wish I could be happy for the rest of my life.
It was all self-inflicted, I was the dirtiest person I had ever seen. If I stayed I was a pollution to my classmates, I understood.
I've done a lot of things I was afraid to do, and I've wanted to die for a long time, and this, it's fine.
I just wish that I could make up for the mistakes I have made with the price of my life. Whether others forgive or not, I will never forgive myself.
I was really dirty and bad.
There's not much more I want to say.
Thank you.
Student Shen Ruowen
These are what are called suicide notes, the last moments of my life in a hurry. They may be read aloud like my essays in class or other occasions I don't expect, and in what tone will the reader read these sentences?
For this world, everyone is a hurried passer-by, as if a meteor were passing through the sky. The trajectory of my life was short, but every day of my existence was bright, and I glided like a bird of prey in the bright hours. Now I fall into the darkness, though, with how much I do not want to!
People say I had a happy life, I was a joy to my parents and classmates, I was always smiling and full of sunshine. In my class, I was probably the freest one. My mom and dad were democratic and open-minded, never restricting me from playing computers or watching football games. They both graduated from graduate school and left their hometowns 20 years ago to study and work in this big city, and they know what I need at this age.
Just after my first year of school, my parents made a pact with me: trust, up, and no peeking. The most important thing is that I don't have to worry about being pried into, whether it's in my diary, on QQ space, or in my cell phone. However, I did not describe to Qianqiu my dissatisfaction with parents, I am accustomed to leave the smile to others, swallowed tears into their stomachs.
Chiaki said, "I'd love to trade Mom and Dad with you!" Chiaki is my best friend, no, let's just say she used to be my best friend. Right now, if she knew that I had left this world, would she regret having argued vocally with me in front of the school, and would she still want to swap moms and dads with me?
Would the world be different because I was gone? Would the people who hated me be truly relieved? In the brief but devastating pain of my last class, I knew I was finally going to be on this road of no return, and the moment I leapt from the 10th floor, I regretted it, but I felt a certain relief. It was a path to heaven, wasn't it? As I flew, I saw my dreams shatter into thousands of fluttering gold foils, which blinded me and gradually blended into the blood-colored sunset of the evening.
Millions of questions
-Daddy
Maven, why are you doing this?
What made you so determined to take this path of no return?
You left a difficult mystery to your mom and dad who love you the most, do you know how cruel you are?
Daddy will always remember that morning to his dying day. As usual, I drove you to school. We made our way west along the tree-lined streets, you talking and laughing beside me.
"Did the lumps come undone?" I asked you.
"Nothing is problem!" you intoned, light as a bird again.
About that lump, we had no idea. These days, you are sad because of the betrayal of a friendship you cherished.
Daddy is an adult, in the eyes of adults, there is no hurdle that can not be passed, we are used to use the understatement to dissolve your worries. And you, a happy-go-lucky girl by nature, we don't believe that you will be bound by a little trouble.
Last night, the light in your room was still on for a long time, and you were staring at your workbook. When my mom asked you what was wrong, you just shook your head.
Without being asked by my mom and me, you just told me the truth: it turns out that your friendship with your best friend, Chiaki, is in crisis, and Chiaki leaked your secret, and you once agreed not to tell anyone except each other. And not only did Chiaki spread your secret, she also insulted you in a text message she sent to someone else after you confronted her. You refused to say what Chiaki had called you out on, just looked confused and repeated, "What can happen to good friends so."
We didn't ask Chiaki what secrets she revealed about you, we thought it was a sign of respect. But we really should have asked. We underestimated the small hurts in the eyes of adults; they could have been chasms for the unworldly you to cross.
Yes, in your eyes, all people should be like you, simple, transparent, passionate, sincere, your world is a pure color, no haze, falsehoods and evasive perfunctory.
Mom told you that the world has many colors, and so do friends, there are various types. As you grow up you will get to know different types of friends, and you will gradually understand in what way you should get along with them.
You are a child of early intelligence. You love to read, and at a young age, you've already familiarized yourself with the works of Cao Xueqin, Duras, Murakami Hayashi, and Zweig. But you may not be able to empathize with the world in those words, you can't understand that a person's growth is not only dependent on books, but also needs to be experienced, and needs to pay the price of tears.
Your communication with us was equal and sincere. Before lights out, you took a long breath: "I have to study hard! " This slight sigh relieved your mom and me, and a friendship crisis seemed to pass.
Today, the sun rose as usual, and you were giggling beside me again.
When we got to school, you jumped out of the car and asked me, "Dad, your stomach doesn't hurt anymore? "These days, my old stomach bug is back, and you're always thoughtful enough to shush me.
"It doesn't hurt anymore." I said.
You smiled brightly, "Bye!" And you ran into the school gates with your backpack.
Daddy was thinking about you all day.
After dropping you off, I went to the Chinese Hospital to get a prescription for stomach medicine, and rushed home again. At noon, the workers were coming to the house to install our new LCD TV, the one you had been looking forward to for so long, and I thought to myself that I would be able to watch the new TV with my Wen'er in the evening.
Dear Wen'er. You are all that your mother and I have, and since you came into this world, you have passed on to change our lives, and no matter what happens, just thinking of you makes our hearts sweet.
This evening was no different than normal. No, I was too preoccupied to notice the waves that had risen in your heart when I entered the door, no, probably at that time you were already as good as dead.
I turned my back on you and said, "Vin, the computer won't shut off, go see what's wrong."
From the room came your voice: "There's a virus, just patch it."
After a while, you added, "There's a lot of homework today, I'm going to go do my homework first."
I joked, "That's good, do your homework early, eat early, and watch TV early."
I heard you close the door behind you.
The few short minutes that followed - now that I think about it, it was a million long minutes - had turned into a torrent, separating you from us, and you had imprisoned yourself on the other side, and behind you was a remote emptiness and despair.
I brought the fried rutabaga to the table, the phone rang, it was your tablemate Xiaoxue called, she asked: "Shen Ruowen is at home? "
I said, "Yes. "And casually asked, "What do you want? "
Before the words were out of my mouth, Yuki hung up the phone.
I was shocked, and I called out, "Wen'er, Yuki's phone--"
No response.
The door to your room was open, but the lamp was left on. I assumed you were watching TV in our bedroom, but there was no one there either. When I turned around and came out, I saw a chair on the balcony at a glance, my heart was once again shocked, ran to the balcony and stretched out to see that you had jumped ......
I screamed like crazy, ran downstairs furiously, pulled out my cell phone and dialed 120.I hugged you tightly: "Wen'er ah, you come through! I mouth to mouth in vain to give you artificial respiration, at this time, 120 came, after some resuscitation, the doctor shook his head. I took off my white shirt and wiped the blood from your face, and my neighbor handed me a wet wipe and said, "Wipe it with this."
I examined you as I wiped, and you lay in my arms, docile as if you were asleep.
But, my Shizuku, what is this about?
What made you give up your beloved mom and dad, your precious life? What made you give up the whole world?
I asked a million times.
The wind whistled, but there was no answer.
You're an angel
-- Chiaki
I am Chiaki, once Shen Ruowen's best friend.
These days, I dream of Shen Ruowen every night. She was like an angel, dressed in white, flying past my window with her wings east of the mountains. She had a smile on her face, and I even heard her laughter, which tinkled and scattered in the corners of the room. Then I woke up with a start and kept my eyes open until morning. When I got back from school, I just lay in bed and didn't want to eat, and my mom said I was like a different person and she was worried about me.
I conversed with Shen Ruowen in the silence, are you used to being away from us? I'm especially not used to it, do you know how much I miss you? Do you know how much I regret it? You surely don't know. I especially hate myself, why I didn't look at you twice more; I especially hate myself, why I didn't listen to your voice more; I especially hate myself, why I had to fight with you and said so many things I shouldn't have said. However, there is no time for me to regret, everything is too late. The campus under the sequoia tree will never again have two secret whispers, will never again have the school gate that let me regret the quarrel.
That day in front of the school, what did I say? And what did Shen Ruowen say?
It was as if we were pointed by God's chaotic finger. Became strangers in each other's eyes.
"Why did you betray me?" She questioned me, her eyes red, "Why did you tell my secret?"
She looked so scary. My heart clogged up and I blurted out, "That was your own fault!"
Two months ago, Shen Ruowen showed me her diary, there was an article written to the junior W. Forgive me, I can only use W to replace the name of that person. Until Shen Ruowen left this world, W may still be in the dark, he will never know Shen Ruowen wrote such beautiful words for him. She wrote in her diary that he was much more mature than boys his age. I like to see his back silently carrying his school bag through the sequoia grove, to see him standing in front of the publicity window with a pensive expression on his face ...... I peeped from afar, expecting him to turn around and give me a meaningful glance ......
Warm and gentle style is good Usually lively she is a different person. Shen Ruowen said W would never know what was on her mind. She made me swear never to tell, and I promised.
But things were unpredictable. Soon after, the "cell phone incident" occurred.
That Wednesday at noon, Shen Ruowen's classmate Xiao Xue suddenly reported to her class teacher, Mr. Fang, that her cell phone was missing.
Recently, there have been a lot of incidents in the class: the total score of our class fell to the end of the year in the midterm examination; two boys fought on the campus and were seen by the principal; and the discipline of the class was a bit chaotic, with the teachers complaining about the situation. Since entering the early summer, it seems as if something dormant has awakened in everyone's heart, with a little turbulence and a little uneasiness.
Faced with a series of troubles, Ms. Fang was anxious, and we were admonished by her almost every day. Ms. Fang taught language and had a particularly bright personality, speaking like a fried bean, straight to the point. To be honest, we were all afraid of her. She spoke in a high, penetrating tone, and according to students in other classes, her voice lecturing us often went through the walls and could be heard in the playground.
At this very juncture, Yuki's cell phone was missing again.
Teacher Fang's face looked like it had frost on it as she closed the front and back doors of the classroom and said, "No one is allowed to go out."
The answer soon came out.
Teacher Fang asked her classmates to go through each other's book bags and clothes pockets, and everyone had to do it symbolically. No one expected to find Xiao Xue's cell phone in Shen Ruowen's schoolbag, and even Xiao Xue herself froze.
Shen Ruowen stood up with a red face and mumbled, "I just wanted to borrow her phone to send a text message." Shen Ruowen was a member of the study committee, and it was certainly surprising that such a thing happened to her.
Yes, she was so unlucky, she just secretly took Xiao Xue's cell phone to send a text message, and before she could return it, Xiao Xue reported it to Teacher Fang. And Ms. Fang, immediately anxious, easily solved the "case".
But why did Shen Ruowen steal Xiao Xue's cell phone to send text messages? What about her own cell phone?
Shen Ruowen explained that her mother had confiscated it because she failed the midterm exams.
And who was she texting? Who was worth the risk of stealing someone else's cell phone to contact?
Snow's cell phone showed the other person's phone number, along with an incomplete text message sent by Shen Ruowen in her haste, to the effect of discussing the score of the morning's NBA game and nothing in particular.
Teacher Fang invited Shen Ruowen's mom and dad to school before the end of the day that afternoon. Shen Ruowen was said to be crying in the teachers' office because her mom said she had hit a moral bottom. "There's a bottom line in being a human being ......," Xue, who was present, said Shen Ruowen's mom's words to me, and we both felt that they were very heavy.
After that, Shen Ruowen has been very depressed for a period of time, she changed the background color of her QQ space to black and gray, and wrote some decadent words on it every day. The company's business is also a good example of a company that has a strong commitment to the development of its products and services," he said.
Later, Xiaoxue asked me three times, Shen Ruowen is actually texting who. I could not withstand her repeated questions, said the guess in my heart. Maybe it's a boy in the junior high school, I said. Saying this, I was surprised that there was a hint of vague pleasure in my heart, and also to vent my dissatisfaction with Shen Ruowen for alienating me these days. But I swear I didn't say more, much less W's name.
Somehow, my words reached Shen Ruowen's ears. She angrily confronted me, and there was an argument at the school gate. ...... If there hadn't been that argument, there wouldn't have been that dreadful "last lesson".
Now, I regret it. Shizuku, that's what I usually call you, and there's so much I want to say to you, but I don't know where to start. I desperately recalled your appearance, wishing I could use a knife to carve you into my heart with a single stroke, never forgetting it for the rest of my life. If there is an afterlife, I will continue to be your good friend. Always remember, in that world, only happiness is allowed, no sadness.
The Last Lesson
--Yuki
I am Yuki, and I have been sadly remembering everything about her. The seat next to me was empty, as if to remind me that I would never see her again, never see her show her two little tiger teeth and smile warmly at me, never hear her voice speak again. She was like a blazing little sun, alive everywhere she went. But now, she was silent forever.
After school, the entrance to the school was as lively and sweet as ever, with squid squeaking and smoking on the iron plate, the aunt selling cold noodles sprinkling cucumber shreds and minced squash on the shaved cold noodles, the stores crowded down the street with a dazzling array of small things, and the long boards of grannies basking in the sun lined up neatly ...... All of this. She couldn't see it, smell it, eat it.
Mom bought back two pounds of fava beans, I helped peel the beans. After peeling the beans, I picked two of the largest, thinking of her in mind, with a knife in the top of the carving "happiness" and "happy". I buried them in the soil. Will they sprout next year? I hope she won't be lonely in heaven.
It was me who called Shen Ruowen's home at that critical moment, and it was Mr. Fang who told me to do so. Because I told Ms. Fang that after school, Shen Ruowen said to me with a downcast look, "Maybe tomorrow, you will never see me again." Her eyes were swollen like walnuts.
I was so startled by her words that I walked into the school entrance and then turned back. Hearing my words, Ms. Fang was stunned for a moment. I can't describe her expression, her chest seemed to have been struck by something and her face abruptly turned white. From the time Shen Ruowen left the school to the time I called her home, it was only half an hour.
Not long after, Ms. Fang's cell phone rang. She listened to the phone, the call was probably from Shen Ruowen's father. Ms. Fang's hands trembled involuntarily, and her body fell backward, leaning weakly against a wall. She said nothing and stumbled toward the door.
Later I realized that Ms. Fang was planning to go to Shen Ruowen's house, but she didn't go in the end. Because she didn't take more than a few steps, she couldn't take another step and collapsed in the corridor.
Shen Ruowen died! It was a death by jumping off a building, just half an hour after she said those words to me.
People kept coming up to me and asking me the same question: what happened in Rowena Shen's last class?
What happened in that class? All of us in the class experienced it first hand. But we all kept our heads down, and no one dared to look up.
That was supposed to be a study session. Normally, we all wrote our own homework while Ms. Fang sat at the podium correcting assignments and occasionally calling students over to communicate about exercises. Such classes were usually leisurely and quiet, but the atmosphere that day was very different.
Teacher Fang's face was hard when she walked into the classroom, and after commenting on our performance that day with a serious look on her face, she didn't let us study on our own right away, but said, "Today, there are still some things we need to take care of."
I felt something strange about my deskmate Shen Ruowen, who always kept her head down and twisted her fingers around the front of her shirt, where it was already wrinkled with her flesh.
She whispered, "Then deal with it." It took me a moment to realize that what Teacher Fang was talking about had something to do with Shen Ruowen.
Sure enough, Ms. Fang's next words pointed directly at Shen Ruowen.
"Yesterday, Shen Ruowen and Qianqiu quarreled and bickered so much at the school gate that it caused an unavoidable impact on our class." Ms. Fang's shrill voice hit the wall.
Shen Ruowen was silent.
"I talked to both of them this morning, Chiaki recognized her mistake, but Shen Ruowen's attitude wasn't good." Mr. Fang said.
Then Teacher Fang named Chiaki and told her to come up to the podium and turn on the class's communal computer. All of them were as if they were on the verge of a storm, anticipating that a storm was coming.
Mr. Fang asked Chiaki to open Shen Ruowen's QQ space, the password of which is known to several of her good friends. However, the classroom network is not good, QQ space can not be opened. So, Teacher Fang said, "Go to the office."
Chanqiu followed Ms. Fang to the teacher's office, about ten minutes before and after. I wondered why Shen Ruowen's space had to be opened by Qianqiu.
During those ten minutes or so, Shen Ruowen, who was sitting next to me, kept her head down and was silent. When I asked her what was going on, she acted as if she didn't hear me and simply laid down on the table and closed her eyes.
Ten minutes later, Teacher Fang and Qianqiu returned to the classroom. Teacher Fang's face was red and she was waving a piece of A4 printout paper in her hand, which we all guessed must be the text from Shen Ruowen's Qzone.
Chiaqiu stood awkwardly on the left side of the podium, like she was being punished.
Shen Ruowen still didn't look up.
Teacher Fang stared at Shen Ruowen and said word for word, "Shen Ruowen, come up here."
Shen Ruowen raised her head, got up from her seat, and slowly walked over to stand on the right side of the podium.
I sweated for her. Despite not really knowing what was going on, with my knowledge of Ms. Fang, I had an uneasy feeling.
Teacher Fang glanced at the A4 paper in her hand and said, "Can you tell me what you said to Qianqiu in Qzone?"
Shen Ruowen did not answer.
Mr. Fang continued, "What do you mean, 'I waited for you well enough and didn't leave you with a missing arm or leg'?"
Shen Ruowen replied as if casually, "Just terrorizing her."
Teacher Fang said, "You should know the weight and meaning of intimidation, if you are an adult, intimidation constitutes a crime. In fact, everyone is born a good person and has no problems, but why are there prisons? Prison is for people like you."
Shen Ruowen didn't squeak, her eyes red.
Teacher Fang added, "You're messing with your classmates like this, do you not want to be in this class, in this school?"
Shen Ruowen shook her head and still didn't squeak.
"You're a member of the squadron, you're very smart, and you really don't have any major problems in your studies. Moreover, your mom and dad are still very concerned about you, like they mentioned to me, if your grades come up, they will give you back your cell phone, didn't they keep their promise?"
At this point, Shen Ruowen sobbed, "I do have a cell phone, but so what? They only care about my academic performance, all they know is to tell me to do exercises all day long and nothing else, and I'm too lazy to say much to them."
Teacher Fang raised her voice: "I will help you communicate with your mom and dad about this problem. You should reflect on yourself first, you are very good at writing, but you use your strengths to terrorize others, to speak ill of your friends and to discredit them. Show everyone what you have written!"
She threw the A4 paper at Shen Ruowen's face, "You're really bad and dirty for doing this, you'll contaminate other people in this class ......"
Shen Ruowen squatted down, hugged herself and cried silently.
Teacher Fang, however, did not stop: "Shen Ruowen, don't push my limits, don't test my patience, and don't scare me with death!"
Later I realized that these words of Mr. Fang corresponded one by one with the sentences in Shen Ruowen's QQ space.
But at that time, everyone only dared to look at their noses and pretend to bury their heads in their homework. Ms. Fang's voice tickled my heart one by one, like a kitten scratching, making me have a cold war every now and then.
Shen Ruowen didn't say a word and kept crying.
Teacher Fang's reprimand lasted for almost half an hour, and everyone was relieved when the bell rang. Shen Ruowen choked and returned to me, I didn't dare to look at her or talk to her.
When she was ready to leave, she said to me quietly, "Maybe tomorrow, you will never see me again."
Afterword
The day of Shen Ruowen's funeral was a scorching hot day, and her mom wore a black wrinkled veil and black lace dress, and in her early forties, her hair turned gray in a month. Shen Ruowen's father's thick hair was also shaved, a far cry from her previous life. The days after their daughter's departure, the couple's world changed abruptly.
After reading the eulogy, Shen Ruowen's mom and dad gently placed a bunch of bright red carnations on the crystal coffin. The air-conditioned condolence hall was full of people, mostly adults, with the occasional pale, tearful child, who must have been Shen Ruowen's classmates. But Ms. Fang, Shen Ruowen's homeroom teacher, did not come.
Outside the open door, hot air kept pouring in, and the worst of the summer heat was upon us. The marble square was brightly lit by the sun, as if it were a field after the snow had cleared, bleak and pale.
The funeral was peaceful, no scenes of weeping.
What is there in this world that can make us completely break our remembrance?
Life, how heavy it is, but how light it is.
Shen Ruowen in the photo is smiling brightly, her eyes narrowed and clear as she looks at the world after her departure, but throwing a series of question marks to the living, and leaving the never-ending pain to her beloved relatives.
There must be too many unknown twists, turns and mysteries in the heart of this 13-year-old girl, whose road to despair seemed to last only an hour, but was long and hard.
And who has ever thought to explore her long road with care and consideration?
Everyone has experienced growth at one time or another.
Every adult should not forget the ignorance, uncertainty, confusion and incomprehensibility they had when they were young, and every growing child should believe in their own goodness and innocence.
The world is a wonderful place where the ugly coexists with the wonderful, and the process of growing up is not a thorny road. How can you be willing to lose to yourself first when you are just starting out?
Shen Ruowen went to heaven, but the world is still beautiful, the sun will cover all the shadows.
Let the joys come with all the good notes! Embrace them to your heart's content, when you are young.