In the seventh year of marriage, I lived with him for more than three years. I shut him out for countless nights. Watching him standing naked at the door of my bedroom with a quilt in his arms, hanging his eyes like a child who made a mistake. I went from initial sympathy to later disapproval.
He is also very wise. At first, he would say to me: Qing Er, you can't do this to me. There are some things that couples have to do. I stood up and stared at him with my eyes, then slammed the door and locked it from the inside. After several times, he was defeated in this matter. Only once at the dinner table, while watching me drink two bowls of black-bone chicken soup cooked by him, I muttered, your heart is not good. Can you leave the bedroom door unlocked at night so that I can take care of you in case of an emergency?
When he said this, it was a spring afternoon in March. The sun shines warmly in our three-bedroom apartment, and thousands of dust are flying in the light beam. He had it decorated in my favorite pastoral style, and the photo wall of the living room was covered with photos he took for my daughter and me when we traveled around. There is only one photo of me, him and my daughter in the studio. I smiled implicitly and he smiled sweetly. Flowers and green plants are planted in the corner and balcony, and the plants that have just been sprayed with water linger on the plump leaves. I can hear the children running downstairs and the old man talking. The warm wind brought a scent of lilacs into the room, and everything was quiet in the years.
At that moment, somewhere in my heart was slightly loose, warm and sour. It quickly recovered its former firmness and indifference. I can't hold him in my heart. A man who has been with me for seven years has given me a stable and leisurely life and is my lover in law. I said to myself, I don't love him, and marriage without love is immoral. Leaving him is mutual fulfillment and also for his future plans.
He didn't speak, silently filled out the second bowl of soup, carefully skimmed the oil slick, sprinkled with chopped green onion and coriander, and put it in front of me.
Looking at the bowl of soup that is still hot, I told myself again that I must not be soft-hearted. The man I love is not him. On the other side of the city, Lin is still waiting for me I can't betray my love for Lin.
2
Ten years ago, Lin was my first love. It is said that men are animals that think with their lower bodies. Lin and I have been unable to compete with strange girls emotionally for five years. Lin later cheated on me, fell in love with a girl younger and more beautiful than me, and then disappeared from my world without a trace.
At that time, she was thin, insomnia, and almost got depression. In the meantime, he came into my life. Take care of me silently in this city, accompany me to the hospital, urge me to take medicine on time, take me hiking in the distant mountains, and bring gifts to all my family when I come back from a business trip.
In summer dusk, under the blue velvet sky, the Ferris wheel moves slowly. I sat on the merry-go-round in the park and temporarily forgot all the gloom. My legs are stretched out, my long hair is fluttering, my head is slightly raised, and the oncoming wind blows across my face. Lin's injury to me seems to be fading.
Looking for various angles, he was busy taking pictures of me. He stood in the halo, and the soft light plated him with gold. His nose and forehead glistened with sweat, and his tall body was like a god in ancient Greek mythology. At that moment, I suddenly liked him a little, and I was indifferent to him all the time.
Soon after, I promised to be his girlfriend. He was so happy that he sent me flowers and chocolates every day for a week. He didn't stop until I pretended to be angry.
At this time, it was less than three months since Lin and I broke up.
After seven years of marriage, he has changed from a big boy who can't even wash socks to a warm man who comes home from work and wears an apron to wash his hands and make soup. He said that cooking fumes are the most harmful to women's skin. Every anniversary and Valentine's Day, he will carefully prepare gifts in advance to surprise me, such as flowers, watches, candlelight dinners and trips. When I look at those expensive new cashmere coats and purses in the shop window, he will quietly buy them with half of his monthly salary and hang them in the closet. ...
However, women's psychology in love is the most elusive, and many times, including myself, I don't know why. No matter how hard he tries, no matter how I convince myself. For him, my heart is like a Millennium iceberg, which can't be warmed up. I don't like his smell, his walking steps, his fingers, his skin and his voice. ...
When my daughter was two years old, she couldn't stand his thunderous snoring and breathing. I sent him to the second bedroom on the grounds that it was convenient to look after her. So there was the first act. ...
In my opinion, the marriage with him is a prison with high walls. The fireworks are so strong that people are sleepy, and the days are so quiet that people want to suffocate. I'm looking for a long-lost passion, and he can't give it.
The woman in the marriage wall is like a trapped beast waiting for an opportunity, always eager to escape.
He has been trying to warm me with the constant temperature of marriage. While I am at ease with the softness of my marriage and accept all his kindness to me, I long for the wonderful world outside the wall. Tell yourself unscrupulously that you don't love him, not before, not now and never again.
In a late-night dream, I will travel again and again to find a person, a face I used to know. In my dream, I shouted over and over again, struggling to find and anxious.
The vague outline looks like a forest.
three
I met Lin, the man who abandoned me at the class reunion three years ago. I heard that he married that slut, and they divorced again a few years later. He has been single for several years, and the situation is bleak. Looking through the noisy crowd from a distance, Lin sat in the corner and drank cup after cup silently. His outline was dragged down by the life of a middle-aged man, desolate and haggard. He is no longer the boy who sang for me on the mountain in a white shirt and blue trousers.
I have been planning revenge for years. Before standing in front of Lin, Lin looked up and looked at those deep eyes that I had been infatuated with. At that moment, the Wan Li River embankment once burst. A stream of acidity welled up in my throat from my heart, and I choked, not knowing what to say to Lin.
The world quieted down, a long-dusty package in my heart slowly opened and loosened, and the dust shook off in the fleeting time that passed away but remained intact. The memory of the years opened like a flood, which made me burst into tears.
This dreamer who only saw his back in his dreams for many years after we broke up is really in front of me now. Look, touch and smell.
Lin and I drank a lot that night. Lin cried like a child, telling each other about the ups and downs of the next decade. The secret feelings in my heart are violently released in this dark night and alcohol.
And another man was worried that it was not safe for me to go home at night, and waited for me outside until late at night.
Unbearable of Lin's confession and confession, I quickly surrendered. I fell in love with Lin again, completely forgetting that I still have him and my daughter.
Shortly after I had frequent trysts with Lin, I began to talk to him again and again about the serious topic of divorce. Every time he changed the subject.
He dare not face it. He wants to stop me from pursuing his own happiness. I thought to myself, I hate his itching.
Lin began to push me harder and harder. He said I couldn't divorce for a long time and didn't respect him. Being single with a married woman is a shame for him. I cheat and play with my feelings.
Sandwiched between two men for moral judgment, I began to lose sleep every night. Flowers of the past withered and withered. He said he would take me to see a doctor, but I ignored him. He asked his friend to buy precious tonic and put it on my bedside.
four
In the frequent conflicts with Lin about my divorce, my body and soul can no longer live in harmony. Another night of anxiety and insomnia, I lay in bed sighing and crying because of insomnia, so I got up and walked around the house.
He snores like thunder, and I can hear him clearly when I sit in the living room. I hate him and don't like everything about him. Open the curtains on the balcony, and the moonlight will fill the room. The world is so beautiful, but I cry in pain. I want to break free from the cage of marriage and pursue my own love. I screamed with pain in my heart.
I don't know when he came to me. I heard his sigh in the dark, so clearly. He told me to get dressed and took me to the hospital psychiatric department overnight. I growled at him: You would rather drive me crazy than set me free. My marriage with you is hell for me. I'm still young, and I still have a long life. I don't want to suffer in a stagnant marriage with you. I want to correct the mistakes I made in those years.
He was silent for a long time after listening, and I couldn't see the expression on his face clearly in the dark. If in the daytime, where there is light, I can't bear to say this. Because I doubt the truth of what I just said, I dare not accept moral judgment.
At dawn, it began to rain outside the window, and the fishy smell of the soil was intertwined with the unique smoky warmth of spring. I went downstairs for a walk along the community. Yesterday, the petals of Magnolia grandiflora, which were still swaying in the branches, were brought into the mud by the east wind and the night rain, making them dirty.
I took out my mobile phone and wanted to send a message to Lin, but I got feedback. Lin deleted WeChat again and called to turn it off. I can't remember how many times this has happened. I smiled bitterly: Lin is always so capricious to me, and I always tolerate Lin unconditionally. Lin looks like me. I like him.
I came back from downstairs, and the pancakes, spicy cabbage, red dates and millet porridge he had just laid were all on the table, all of which I love to eat. The smell of fireworks calmed my anxious heart a little. He is braiding his daughter's hair, and his hands clumsily stroke her smooth hair over and over again. Sitting in the morning light, his whole body exudes a faint halo. I suddenly remembered the dusk when I sat on the merry-go-round many years ago, and I was in tears. ...
He looked back and saw the tears in my eyes, at a loss.
five
He drove me to work as usual, told me to take medicine on time, and handed me two blank sheets of paper with words all over them. Next, the divorce agreement.
Seeing your painful appearance these days, I decided to fulfill you and give you the freedom you want. Actually, isn't it good for us to live like this? You just love dreaming too much. Remember to come back when you are angry outside. My daughter and I will always wait for you at home. ...
Raindrops with dust hit the window glass bit by bit and hit my heart.
When I came out of the Civil Affairs Bureau, I was as empty as being drained of my bones and blood. He drove slowly behind me and asked me where to see me off. I growled at him and told him to get out.
The rain stopped, and I sat on a bench by the roadside, where the east wind blew, the branches fell, and cherry blossoms danced like snow. It falls on the heads and shoulders of passers-by and becomes spring mud on the ground. Yes, I finally got what I wanted and got the freedom I dreamed of. I can pursue and enjoy the love with Lin equally. But at this moment, why am I so lost?
In order to open the bedroom wardrobe that has lived for seven years, there is a faint camphor smell in the wardrobe full of clothes. I know he put it in carefully. When I touched the Burgundy cashmere coat, something touched me slightly. I took out the clothes in the closet one by one and put them in the suitcase. He stood behind me silently, smoking one cigarette after another for a long time, and finally said simply: When you are wronged outside, remember that this is your home.
In the past, the beautiful wardrobe was empty, so it was not nice to leave his burgundy coat in the closet alone.
six
After leaving him for half a year, I began to wither like a flower.
In sharp contrast to the yearning Lin Asahi, in just a few months, Lin showed his true colors, cheating, insulting and cheating. Like a blooming rose, I fell into a deep mire and began to lose sleep every night. I don't know the taste of food, and a lot of sleeping pills can't find my lost sleep. Every night when I wake up, I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. If his marriage is a stagnant pool, then the so-called love with Lin is simply dirty and muddy. I put all my eggs in one basket, but now I have nothing but a broken heart and a broken body. I have no face to go back when I think of him, my daughter and the warm and bright home. Every day with the anxiety and panic of the end, I think of death countless times. ...
On this day, I drank two sleeping pills as usual, endured severe headache and anxiety, and quietly lay down and waited for sleep. I'm so tired, but I just can't stop myself and leave this malicious world for a while.
Wan's heart can't stop, and it's no use trimming his body.
In the quiet afternoon, the footsteps of pedestrians downstairs stepped into my heart, which was particularly clear. People feel that their hearts are getting slower and slower, and gradually feel that the strength of the body is taken away a little bit, leaving only one body, and another world seems to be waving to me. ...
When I woke up again, I was lying in a big white bed in the hospital. The world is quiet and pure. His haggard face caught my eye, and I couldn't look at these simple and sincere eyes like diamonds. I closed my eyes and a big tear rolled from the corner of my eye. I heard him calling for doctors and nurses in a hurry ... He took care of me silently and loved me as a child as before, fearing that I would run into him.
Standing in the autumn sunshine, I began to rethink my relationship with him and the meaning of love and marriage.
? One afternoon in spring, I went home with him. When I opened the wardrobe again, the burgundy coat hung there safely, carefully cared for and ironed by him, wrapped in a transparent film, and the color was still as bright as ever. On windy days, it is always waiting for me to keep out the cold.
Deeply disappointed again and again, he still waits in the same place, guarding the most insipid belief in marriage.
And I, in the years of swords and shadows, finally put my displaced heart away from wandering.
I looked back, he was busy in the kitchen, and his tall body was real and beautiful in the aroma of fireworks.
The afternoon sunshine turned him into a beautiful statue.