Parents and friends, good evening. Tonight we continue to explore how to take care of yourself in a single parent family.
The first few months, and even the first few years, of being a single parent can be a very busy time. Raising children on your own, especially if you're new to it, requires a lot of your time and energy. However, the dust eventually settles and life relaxes into a routine.
Sometimes, as a single parent, it seems that all life is about "parents." Our children are our number one priority – raising them, helping them grow and thrive, and keeping their lives on track. But we need to note that in order to be healthy and effective parents, we ourselves must first be healthy and effective people. And that might feel like a request. You may be wondering, where do I find the time and energy to “buck up”?
Social life often seems to be centered around couples. It's easy to feel alone, different, and different when you're not a part of it. If you've been married for a long time, it can be difficult to adjust to living alone; a lot of your identity may be tied to your partner and your past lifestyle. Being a single parent can be so scary and there is so much to do.
Single parents may also find themselves with many unexpected tasks and roles. For example, dealing with their daughter's clothes and hairstyle may be difficult for a single father. Lifestyles may have changed dramatically. Adults who have never really had to worry about money may suddenly find themselves struggling, unable to enjoy the activities and fun they previously took for granted. And, inevitably, all single parents find themselves craving a little free time, independence, and adult conversation.
Can you meet the demands of single parenting, do all the work you need to do, and still find the time to live a healthy adult life?
Not only can you, but you must! Taking care of yourself is one of your most important jobs.
You can try to make the following changes:
1. Find the courage to change
Taking care of yourself can be done in many different ways. Caroline has been married for 15 years and has two beautiful children - Paul and Cheryl. Throughout Carolyn's marriage, her husband had been making all the decisions regarding finances and all sorts of things. Steve was a devoted husband and a kind man, but no one ever questioned who had the final say. Carolyn had not worked since her marriage, except for hard work at home and at the Parents and Teachers Association each school year for her two children.
Gradually, Caroline realized that she had lost herself in her marriage. She was the wife of her husband and the mother of two children, yet she wasn't even sure she existed. She began to feel that these familiar characters were no longer enough for her. She felt suffocated. Both kids were teenagers and busy with friends and school activities; Steve was busy with work and seemed uninterested in Caroline -- other than to see what she was making for dinner. outside.
Caroline suggested counseling to Steve, but he wasn't interested. She tried some hobbies and joined several clubs. She tried to join Steve's activities, but with little success. He could barely stand her attempts to play golf with him, and she couldn't get the hang of tennis at all. Nothing seems to make any difference.
Caroline decides she must take control of her life. When she announced to her husband that she wanted a divorce, he retorted: "If you want a divorce, you have to move out." He believed she would never leave. To his (and Caroline's) surprise, she took some of their savings, found a small apartment, and moved out. Caroline had not worked in 15 years, but she was excited by the sense of opportunity and freedom and was determined to make her life better.
The first year is the hardest.
Sometimes her fear was so intense that she felt completely defeated. Sometimes, she couldn't help but want to go back to her old life. But she kept thinking about her pre-divorce restlessness and determination to take care of herself. She knew she couldn't go back. She found a job in a department store and by working extra hard than others, she was promoted to department manager. Two years later, her divorce was finalized and her two children chose to live with her.
Caroline never looked behind her. She did her best to help Paul and Cheryl adjust, accepting their anger and pain with understanding (and their subsequent support). Although she went through phases of sadness and guilt, she repaired her emotions and made something out of it.
However, Steve was so angry and resentful that he spent thousands of dollars fighting the divorce and custody settlement. He was furious when his two children chose to live with their mother instead of him. Long after Caroline began her new life with vigor, Steve was still wallowing in pain.
Change can be the catalyst that helps us develop new courage and creativity. We always have the opportunity to turn a negative experience into a positive one. If we are to be creative, we must be willing to take care of ourselves, which is an important factor in self-esteem.
2. Self-esteem
Self-esteem is how we describe ourselves. Everyone has self-esteem, but not everyone’s self-esteem is healthy. As we've said before, your sense of self-worth can come and go. Sometimes the events and circumstances that lead us to become single parents also leave wounds in our view of ourselves that are difficult to heal. Healthy self-esteem doesn't mean you always feel like you're on top of the world. Healthy self-esteem can be measured by your ability to handle the ups and downs of life. Feeling "low" is a normal part of life. Staying "down" is a sign of unhealthy self-esteem.
Single parents may struggle with feelings of abandonment and pain because their spouse left them, or they may be feeling guilty because they chose to leave their spouse. Simply being different from those around you—for example, an unmarried woman who has chosen to adopt a child—can cause you to feel isolated and alone. Single parents may feel anxious about their inability to raise well-rounded, healthy children and be very aware of the mistakes they have made in the past.
Children also experience distress after the death of a loved one, divorce, or the belief that they have been abandoned. Because their world is centered around themselves and their own perceptions, children tend to believe that their parents' problems are the result of things they have said, done, or wished for, no matter how many times we tell them otherwise .
Children’s thinking is often “magical.” If a child gets angry at his mother and she suddenly disappears from his life, it must be his fault. Children who sense tension between their parents sometimes engage in more bad behavior in an attempt to keep their parents busy. During this process, let the parents stay together and never separate. "Failure" in the form of death or divorce is catastrophic, and children tend to blame themselves. When your own feelings of self-esteem and worth have been severely damaged, rebuilding your child's sense of self-esteem and worth may seem like a daunting task. How do we heal self-esteem? Where should we find the manpower?
3. Heal your self-esteem
Measures to heal your self-esteem
1. Learn to separate people from their behaviors
2. Beware of labels and self-defeating beliefs
3. Learn to “keep being yourself”
4. Start affirming yourself.
5. Don’t be afraid to change when it feels right
6. Learn to cherish the present.
Words of Affirmation to Help Parents Heal Their Self-Esteem
1. “Expect a miracle.”
2. “Strive for progress, not perfection .
”
3. “Despite my flaws and imperfections, I am a truly valuable person. ”
4. “Live every day well and take every step well.” “This too shall pass. ”
5. “It is good to be a learner. ”
6. “I’m not a bad parent: I just don’t have the skills, and skills can be learned. ”
7. “I like the person I am becoming.
4. Fill your water bottle
Let’s learn more about this topic together.
In most single-parent families, there is one person who always seems to be ignored and neglected, and that is the parents! Single parents often find themselves balancing work, housework, and child care. Most single parents say they feel guilty taking any time for themselves, especially if it's just for fun.
But it’s important to remember that we can’t do our best job as parents when we’re overworked, tired, and frustrated. Picture a beautiful crystal jar. The water inside represents the amount of emotional energy you can use on everything throughout the day.
In the morning, your child needs your help getting ready - with a drop of water. Work was hectic and the commute home was terrible - using up a lot of water. Your friends, your partner, and your children need your time and attention—the jug is empty. And this is often when real crises arise. Where do you find the energy to solve the problems you face? How do you refill your water jug?
We all need the occasional downtime, a moment to relax and recharge. Parents are valuable people too; if you let your children see you respect and value yourself, your children will learn to respect and value themselves (and you).
Start by setting aside time each week for your own activities and learn to treat yourself as a priority. If you give yourself half an hour each night after the kids go to bed to read a good book or take a hot bath instead of ironing clothes or cleaning the bathroom, you may find that you end up with more energy and less energy. Treat parenting and work responsibilities with resentment. Sure, there are a few chores that may have to be pushed back, but those will be done by a happier person.
Cultivate your own creativity and uniqueness. Give yourself the freedom to do things you love, whether that's gardening, tinkering with an old motorcycle, doing crafts or home decor, or playing an instrument. Start a babysitting support group with neighborhood parents and spend one night a week going to a movie, singing in a choir, playing softball, or taking dance classes. Whatever it is that makes you feel energized and alive, make sure you find time to do it regularly. This is not selfishness, this is wisdom.
Also remember that you have a body, a mind, and a heart, and it is absolutely necessary to keep them all nourished. It's important to watch your diet, get enough sleep and exercise regularly.
Keeping your mind active and busy will also make life much happier. Give yourself permission to explore, be curious and become a learner. You'll find that life is a lot more fun—and you don't have to spend a ton of time or money doing it. Feeding your soul in ways that are meaningful to you is one of the best ways to keep your water tank full.
5. Do it!
Let’s look at this example.
Nadine has been single for three years. She was a devoted mother to her two sons, a conscious employee, and a regular churchgoer. Her apartment is usually tidy, bills are paid, and her two sons are never without clean underwear. But Nadine realized one day that she was beyond tired and that she had no entertainment.
Nadine told a good friend at work about her feelings. "You used to love country and western dancing," her friend said, "Why don't you start dancing again?" Nadine was shocked: "I can't go alone.
Besides, what should I do with my two sons? "
"I look after them. You can watch my two kids next time I want to go out. Nadine was clearly smitten, and her friend grinned and said, "Look, they have free classes on Tuesday nights at that new location downtown." Tomorrow is Tuesday, bring the kids over after dinner, and off you go! ”
Nadine went, even though when she drove downtown the next night, her palms were sweating and she felt uneasy. Walking into the loud ballroom was the hardest thing she had ever done. One thing. But once the music started, there was no time to be nervous. The room was filled with people, some in pairs, some alone, and as they all learned the dance steps together, Nadine found herself. Laughed. She discovered that she liked line dancing, which didn't even require a partner. And, as the weeks passed, she discovered that some of her new friends were potential partners.
co-workers (and her two children) soon noticed that she had a spring in her step and a brighter smile, and Nadine found that life's little annoyances no longer bothered her as much as they once did. There are Tuesdays to look forward to!
Repairing and maintaining your self-esteem will take time and patience, but it will make you a more content parent and set a healthier example for your children.
6. Leave room for growth
It may be hard to believe, but many single adults find that learning to live alone opens them up to endless opportunities and opens up opportunities for them to grow. Unexpected Possibilities
There may come a time when a single mother makes an unexpected discovery while sitting down for an evening cup of tea at the end of a busy and productive day. Thinking to yourself: I'm really happy. Or, a single dad might be standing staring down at a sleeping child and find himself immersed in a tender glow that he's never noticed before.
Often it's change that breaks down the walls we build around ourselves and helps us realize all the possibilities. Even if you didn't choose to be a single parent, you may one day find yourself with a new group of friends. , a new job or new career goals, and abilities and talents you never knew or explored. Having a wardrobe that is all your own, never having to lift (or close) the toilet seat, and never having to ask for anything. Choosing a bright teal wall paint or a rose-colored carpet with one's consent may be fun
However, children sometimes don't respond to a single parent's newfound sense of calm and joy. Respond well. If mom loves her new life too much, isn't that disloyal to dad? If dad is too happy, does that mean he hates mom? Not loyal to another parent?
As you discover the positive aspects of your life, allow yourself to love them and, over time, those positive aspects will grow. The more. You can also allow your children to take time to adjust by not taking too much responsibility for their feelings, and, again, you can help them realize that we are each responsible for our own happiness. Being sensitive to feelings, both your own and your children's, and a little patience will help each of you get to the day when life feels great.
7. Coping with Loneliness
Getting to the point where life feels great may still seem far away, and there are few single parents who haven’t struggled with feelings of isolation and loneliness. Nights can be rough. What do you do when the kids finally fall asleep, the chores are done, and the house is quiet? It would be nice to chat with someone, but it's too late to call at this point.
Going out to watch a movie is great, but how do you bring a babysitter into your home without dragging the kids out of bed? Many single parents know what it's like to spend quiet evenings with only the television to keep them company. A friend can understand the frustration of what it's really like to be a single parent.
All people feel lonely from time to time, whether they are single or married. But when you're a single parent, loneliness somehow seems to be a much more pressing issue. Coping with loneliness starts with examining your expectations. Sometimes, because society seems geared toward couples, we feel incomplete without our partners. No matter how much we may enjoy what we are doing, it is not fun if we are doing it alone. Really?
Most of us eventually learn that being with the wrong people can be worse than being alone. Many single parents forget how lonely they once felt in their marriage. Usually, they don't have time to feel lonely then because they are busy dealing with various problems. Surprisingly enough, being alone can be a good thing. It forces us to develop our strengths. Being alone can - if we allow it - give us the opportunity to explore our own hearts and develop some new ideas and abilities.
8. Rely on yourself
As a final example, Chris found that being a single parent was an overwhelming experience. She had been married for 18 years, and her divorce was very unexpected and painful. Both she and her two children went through many difficult adjustments, and Chrissy often felt horribly alone and deeply inadequate. Kris bought a new tiny house for herself and her two children. Watching the house being built made her feel hopeful, but moving in seemed to mean one thing after another. Chrissy's ex-husband had always been the handy one, but she barely knew the difference between one end of a hammer and the other, and was never encouraged to learn. Still, settling into this new home allowed Kris and her two kids to do something together, something new, special and their own.
However, one detail in the house has always been troubling. Kris wanted to install a ceiling fan in the living room, but couldn't afford one at the time. She asked the builder to run the wiring for her and he did, but he left a bare light bulb in the center of the ceiling to close the circuit. Every time Kris turned on the light, the glare from that ugly bulb bothered her.
A few months later, Kris found the perfect ceiling fan on sale at a hardware store. Her brother offered to install it for her, but he was busy and weeks passed and the ceiling fan was still in a corner box. Finally, one Saturday night, the two kids went to stay with their dad, and Kris had had enough of being alone and bored. Her eyes fell on the box containing the electric fan.
How hard can this be? She thought as she tore open the box.
It took several hours, and more than once Kris wanted to give up. The instructions were written in broken English that she struggled to understand, and the fan was large and difficult to install by herself. Her tools didn't fit. She had to call a neighbor twice to find out how to connect the wires and where the disconnect switch was. Twice she almost fell off the ladder.
However, when she pressed the switch and saw the fan blades really starting to rotate, she felt a sense of joy and accomplishment that she had never experienced before. !What’s even more amazing is that she installed it herself! It was so fun to watch the looks on Keith and Debbie's faces the next day when she showed them what she had done.
This may not seem that important to others, but for Chrissy, this is a new beginning. She discovered that not only could she do things she had never thought possible, she actually enjoyed doing them herself. She began improving the home on her own. She painted jungle animals on the walls of her two children's bathrooms. She bought a power drill and added some shelves to her bedroom closet.
She grew roses and was thrilled when she cut the first flowers for her home; she joined a gardening club, learned more about gardening, and made a wonderful new group of friends.
Best of all, Chrissy, Keith, and Debbie spent a weekend together building a patio in the front yard. They brought bags of sand, spread it out and put paving stones on top. They also assembled inexpensive garden furniture and hung a bird feeder and wind chimes. And they planted all kinds of brightly colored flowers.
When it was finished, Kris and her two daughters ate a pizza together on the patio, smiling happily at each other. And, Kris suddenly realized, things were looking up. This was not what she had planned for herself and her two children, and it was not at all what she had wanted - but, things were looking up. In fact, life started to feel better again. And, this is the best achievement.
You may find that defining your identity as a single parent also defines your role as a human being. Although change and growth may be painful at times, you will emerge as a person who brings inspiration and joy to everyone in a way that cannot be achieved otherwise. Keep your eyes open and your heart open, and try to enjoy the journey (including the bumps in the road, taking wrong turns) and see what happens.