There are many kinds of secrets in the world, some, sweet and transparent, which make you smile when you think about them; some, however, will be buried in the bottom layer of the mind, and accumulate over time and turn into toxins.
If I were to choose again, I would not be the girl who carries so many secrets. Because these secrets don't really belong to me, and I can't help but do whatever I have to do to keep them.
When the shell of keeping these secrets was broken by the reality one by one, I realized that I have been doing this meaningless sacrifice, in the battlefield of one's loneliness for the most fragile feelings in the human world and give all I have to be born into death, and finally found that the opponent is just a mirror with memories, so that I have to admit, when comparing my own all the way to the end, that this all the way to the back of the burden and patience is so stupid! .
The feeling can't even be described as painful; more often than not, I can only feel a void, a cold mockery. And it was only when I was exhausted from this purposeless flight that I finally realized that there was only one person I wanted to tell these secrets to.
No one else, but him.
The only him in my heart.
So I dialed Lin Geng's number.
It was late that day when Lin Geng found me. This winter rain was getting heavier and heavier, and mixed with hard snow sand, the rain and snow mixed down, as if the TV appeared to snowflakes when the sizzling squeaking sound, I stood under the eaves of a grocery store, the tears have not flowed, but just dumbly counted the raindrops.
He appeared in front of me, wearing a soaked raincoat and holding an umbrella under his armpit like a briefcase, and as soon as he saw me, he ran from across the street to this side of the road. The rain splashed his face, the face that had once held me so dear.
"It was hard to find this place." His voice was a little louder, muffling the pattering rain, "What the hell happened, how did you get yourself into this mess? Hmm?" He looked at me a little sternly, his tone of voice was scolding as well as pained.
I don't look at the rain, I look at him, but remain frozen, silent.
He hurriedly opened the umbrella for me, took my hand and put it on the handle, and said anxiously, "What are you still dumbfounded for, I'll take you home."
His appearance today is not a little bit of the usual handsome and calm, but like a helpless father to persuade the child to go home, and heart and tired, but let me unprecedented warm heart.
Look, how indisposed I am to make him worry so much.
"I don't have a home anymore." I tried to calm my voice, but finally choked out the words.
Before Lin Geng could speak, I cried out again, "Teacher ......" Then, with my hands covering my face, I involuntarily lolled down and fell into his arms. He didn't reject me.
I finally bawled.
Shivering all over on this cold-to-the-death winter day, I clutched at his shirt with one hand and struggled to cover my mouth with the other, but doing so didn't diminish my sobs in the least. I cried so hard that I could be described as hissing, so much so that I startled the pedestrians on the road. They stopped with their umbrellas and gazed at me with my odd behavior. They must have thought I had lost my mind, but what could be done? If I could control myself, why would I do this. The damned feeling of having nothing, it was so powerful that it could shatter one's self-esteem, a feeling that made me unable to resist the urge to cry any longer, and I sobbed as fiercely as if I were vomiting, in a vain attempt to cry away all of my dark and damp past and grievances simply in front of Lin Geng.
Because, in this cold world I have only one remaining place of warmth, is him, is at this time, finally held me in his arms Lin Geng.
A moment like this, which I had fantasized about in my dreams for so long, came so swiftly and truly, so truly that I could feel the smell of plastic rubber on his raincoat.
I felt like a wombat that had been shot by a hunter and was about to die.
Painful, yet blissful, no longer having to climb to stay alive.
Fortunately, my tree finally took me in his arms instead of pushing me away.
He reached out and patted me gently on the back, letting me cry, and I don't know how long it was before he said in a voice that sounded as if it had come from a time far, far away, "You seem to have suffered a great deal, Tendin Ting"
I nodded my head desperately over his shoulder, I just didn't know if he could see it or not.
"You seem to be becoming more and more of a crybaby," he sighed as he helped me up, "What do you want me to do with you?"
What do you want me to do with you?
The words seemed like a soft nail, driven straight into the most untouchable corner of my heart, and I panicked, avoiding his eyes, only to meet his gaze exactly.
I was still trembling, but suddenly, stopped crying.
In that moment, he was looking at me, his eyes bright, as if a thousand words were being spoken, and as if not a single one was being said.
At that moment, the rain stopped all over the world. I looked out at his rain-soaked hair and feet, and suddenly wanted to reach out and straighten them out - but of course, I didn't.
The heavens testify that there was no impure thought in my heart at that moment, not even, not a single thought, but only the wish that this moment would last day and night, day and night, day and night, forever and ever.
But, but in a few seconds, Lin Geng pushed me behind me and said firmly, "Come on, I'll take you home."
"No." I said, "My mom doesn't want me."
"You're silly, who hasn't said that before, my mom always told me that too." He said, "Come on, listen to your teacher and trust me."
I couldn't possibly refuse him.
So I was finally taken by Lin Geng, back home.
The moment the door opened, I thought I would be greeted by a storm, I thought Luo Meimei would jump to her feet and scold me and scold Lin Geng as well, but none of these things happened, I never thought that when she opened the door and saw me, she didn't say anything, but just embraced me and lost her voice and cried.
"Where have you been?" She cried, "If you don't come back, how are you going to let mommy live?"
Please believe that at that moment, the unprecedented cherishing and touching in my heart almost overwhelmed me whole. So much so, that I almost fainted.
I got caught in the rain and lay at home for three whole days because of fever.
During these three days, Luo Meimei did not go to work, but stayed home with me every day. She cooked for me every day, but it was a pity that my appetite was not good enough, or else I would have grown fat again.
She never talked about that incident, as if everything that happened before was a dream. I wanted to explain to her when I woke up from the dream, but she shook her head and stopped letting me talk.
Well, if she can forgive me for everything, isn't that what I dreamed of?
She was my mother, no matter what happened, no matter what heinous crimes I committed, what lies I told, how y I hurt her, she would never abandon me, loathe me, she would always be the one to open the door for me, the first to hold me. I am glad that it was my recourse to Rin Geng that day that gave me the honor of understanding this great truth and not doing anything else foolish.
"Mom." I finally managed to say, "I like our teacher, but it's really just that, I haven't done anything bad, do you believe me?"
"Eh." She gently smoothed my hair, "I talked to Mr. Lin about my heart."
Yes? Did they talk, and what did they talk about? What would Lin Gung say about me?
"You've grown up." Luo Meimei seemed to be very emotional, "In fact, when mom was young, she also liked her teacher, it's nothing, it's mom's fault."
My tears were coming up again because of Luo Mei Mei's words.
God, how can I thank Lin Geng?
"By the way, I'll show you something." Luo Meimei said, got up and brought a small sheet from the living room, I took a look, but it was the remittance from Lin Hao to me. 1500 yuan.
Message: I'm sorry.
"Silly child." Luo Meimei said, "but mom is very happy that you are so righteous, in the future, need, although with mom to ask, don't do stupid things again, know? Mom doesn't have much money, but like you, she's still a good person."
I giggled.
Lin Hoven, actually, there's no need to say I'm sorry, in fact, I've never really blamed you. When I go to school tomorrow, I'll be sure to tell you in person that we're still best friends, I just don't know, will you still want to?
Romemei said she was going to make me something to eat and went to the kitchen. I had recovered a lot, and took out my cell phone from under my pillow, the phone was automatically turned off because of the lack of power, I found the charger to recharge it, ready to give Lin Geng with a thank you text message, and then call Lin Hao, but what I did not expect was that as soon as I charged it, the call came.
What flashed on it was actually Ding Lishen's name.
I hesitated to answer it, but in the end, I did.
"Lin Hoven is trying to kill himself, Lotus Mansion, top floor." He said this briefly and hung up.
Suicide? Lotus Mansion, top floor?
Lin Hoven was going to commit suicide?
How did Ding Lixin know, he wouldn't lie to me? But why would he lie to me?
When I thought of this, I pretty much jumped up from my bed, and while Luo Meimei was busy in the kitchen, I quietly slipped out of the house, and following what Zhou Chumu said, I quickly took a taxi, and went to Lotus Canton
Oh, my Lin Hoven, don't you dare to have anything happen to you!
After jumping out of the car, I stood in the center of the square, far away, and looked toward the roof, but, I could not see anything.
What shocked me was that the roof of the square was gathering a large thick cloud, as if a pair of hands had gathered all the dark clouds in the sky, intent on brewing a flood of rain.
My heart trembled as if I saw a very bad, very bad omen. The Lotus Square is still crowded with pedestrians on this cloudy, rainy day, but no one looks up. I hate this towering building, so distant that it exceeds one's sight.
I immediately ran.
I can't believe I forgot that Lotus Square is the tallest building in the entire city, and that the not-so-long-ago ...... suicides happened here last year.
Suicide.
My heart don jumped at the thought of those two words, and once again the feeling of fear enveloped me.
The pedestrian elevator in Lotus Square only goes up to the forty-sixth floor.
The next stretch was a narrow, steep staircase.
When I finally climbed to the top of the building, I almost fell over from the sight I saw.
Lin Hoven turned his back to us and dropped his already removed socks and shoes out of thin air.
Then, like a horsewoman, she stepped majestically onto the not-so-wide handrail, ripped off her hair tie with one hand, tossed it away, and then stood on tiptoe on her bare toes, pacing up and down the handrail in a dance-like fashion.
I almost lost my voice and screamed, but I knew that if I did, she might defiantly jump.
Where was Ding Lixin? Why wasn't Ding Lixin there? Why didn't he stop her?
Lin Hoven wore very little, I recognized it, it was the summer uniform of Tianzhong, the uniform skirt was made of crimson gingham, it set off the skin very well. When Lin Hoven wore it in the summer, I always secretly envied her white legs with other girls, but at the moment, her bare, slender legs, like two carrots, in the howling winds of winter, burned and trembled, and no one could bear to look at them.
And the black cloud, which was hovering over her head at the moment, the heaviness of the mountain rain, made me vibrate to the point of standing unsteadily.
I finally couldn't help myself, and softly called her name: Lin Hoven ......
She turned back to look at me, her eyes already different from before.
She smiled miserably at me as her long hair flew in the gale.
"Lin Hoven you don't want to be like this, come down, come down we'll go home together." My mind went blank, Zhou Chumu, where the hell have you been? You actually gave me such a difficult problem, you think too highly of me, don't you know that only you can save her.
"Lin Hoven." Tears streamed down my face, my mind went blank, all I could do was beg her, "Please, don't do this, please."
"Tian Ding Ding," her voice came from far away, gentle and firm, "Don't you cry, Tian Ding Ding, I don't deserve this."
"No." I said, "You're my best friend."
"Really?" She said, "Silly Tintin, do you really think so?"
"Really really." I said, "We're best friends for life, for life."
She laughed and sat down facing me on the railing, her two reddish legs intertwined like two playful carp. She remained silent, but her eyes drifted over to my behind.
I couldn't help but turn as well.
It was Zhou Chumu! He finally appeared! Like all princes in stories, I finally hate him a little less.
He moved forward one step at a time, wearing only a black singlet, his hands in his pockets. He looked like a punk who had just walked out of a casino, oblivious to what was going on outside.
He just called out to her, "Linlin."
"You go." Lin Hoven's voice was as calm as before. She said, "You should walk to the square, just stand by the fountain and wait for me."
Zhou Chu Mu just said, "You belong to the scientists, Madame Curie."
What kind of conversation is this at this critical juncture? I doubt I'm hearing it right, but it's all so real.
Perhaps I still can't figure out love, or at least love. The secret between them cannot be spoken or understood by outsiders. Only they themselves know.
I was as helpless and struggling as a spectator. As I watched, he continued to walk towards Lin Hao while talking and came very close to her, as if he didn't hear what Lin Hao had just said: ''Madame Curie discovered radium, and she also won the Nobel Prize. She was Polish, she loved her country and made many contributions for it. I've researched all these, did you not expect it? Do you want to see the notes I made? Do you want to go to my house and look at them with me?"
Lin Hoven shook his head and kept shaking it like he was under a compulsion.
"Honey, come." Zhou Chumu stretched out his hand towards her, "I'll take you there."
Lin Hoven shook her head and leaned back. I feel like I'm going to die, I want to scream but I can't. So I must be dying.
Just then, I saw Zhou Chumu take a big step forward, finally holding her in his arms and rescuing her from that dangerous, ready to kill her handrail.
I clearly saw that her brows were furrowed, her eyes were closed, and she shed tears the moment Zhou Chumu saved her.
My heart landed in a flash and ached densely again. I covered my mouth, and I couldn't help the tears from weeping, I wasn't sure where my tears came from, whether I was moved by such love or frightened by the scene just now.
I could only go forward and break Lin Hoven's fingers straight one by one once again, and then hold it tightly as if it had been frozen, as if we had never misunderstood and separated.
Lin Hoven's eyes were closed, I think she must have been scared by herself, Zhou Chumu held her, I have been holding her hand, we walked down the long stairs together, and then pressed open the elevator.
Just the moment the elevator doors were about to close, I saw someone.
Dinglish.
He looked up, glanced at us, and disappeared into the elevator doorway.
Love, how inexplicable
The day Lin Hoven went to the hospital for surgery, I was the one who accompanied her. Ding Lishen did not show up, he just texted me: take good care of her.
I have been accompanying Lin Hoven in the hospital. Because, except for me, no one will come to accompany her. It was not until later that I realized that during those three days, Lin Hoven's mother committed suicide.
The call went to the school for Lin Geng to transfer. All this was told to me by Lin Geng.
Turns out she lost her father as a child.
It turns out she had a bad relationship with her stepfather.
It turns out that her mother had repeated misfortunes.
It turned out, it turned out, it turned out that it was such a blessing for me and my mother, Luo Meimei, to be able to rely on each other, that I was so happy, so happy that I cruelly countered her suffering.
My heart, in the face of these truths, was suddenly filled with remorse. I remembered, the resounding slap I had given her. The slap that was delivered with all the strength of my body and without mercy.
With Lin Hoven as a "good friend" for two years, I realized that I know so little about her. I've never been to her home, I don't even know which school she graduated from in junior high school, I've never talked to her about her family, and even when her dad drove a BMW to pick her up, he was just ashamed of himself and hid on the side, and he never dared to go up to her family to say hello. ......
My understanding of her, in addition to blood type, birthday, horoscope and handwriting, what else is there to know about her? Birthday horoscope handwriting, what else is there? And and other students to her, what is the difference? It turns out that our so-called friendship, has been living in the darkness of the reach, supporting it, are those who can not count the number of secrets, and my stupid admiration.
Lin Hoven, it turns out I'm sorry. It's just lucky that it's not too late to fix everything.
When I went to see her with Luo Meimei's chicken soup, I saw a bouquet of flowers placed outside the door outside the hospital room.
I picked up the bouquet and walked inside. Lin Hoven was looking out the window at the view. I called out to her, "Lin Hoven." In passing, I handed her the flowers in my hand.
She opened the card on it and it only had two words written on it, "Chu Mu."
Lin Hoven got up as if she was going to go out and chase something, but then slowly collapsed.
I looked at her helplessly.
She put her head* on my chest and said, "Tintin, he's gone isn't he? I know he's leaving, it's just, I miss him so, so much, can you believe it?"
I stopped talking, of course I believe it, I've seen with my own eyes how much she's given to him, and I know that someone who's been loved that y can never be erased from their heart.
"Thank you, Ding Ding," Lin Hoven said again.
In fact, these "thank you", in the end who should say to whom? In this hasty and full-flavored youth, we have to thank not only each other, or every person we have met.
Like Ding Lixin, I know he still likes Lin Hao, but he already knows that he will never be able to fight against Zhou Chu Mu. He just stuck to his insistence and didn't ask for any result. Just like me, still infatuated with Lin Geng everything, but I did not want to get anything, I just learned to will be this favorite, carefully and gently put, always exist in the heart.
A week later, Lin Hoven was discharged from the hospital. Her stepfather came to pick her up and she didn't argue with him. She went home with him in silence. The next day Lin Hoven came to school with her backpack, and everything about her was already spreading on campus. Fortunately, at least in our class, no one looked at her in a different way, even Zhuang Quiet would say to me, "The kiosk sells spicy vermicelli again, why don't I bring a bowl each with you and Lin Hoven?"
That's good, in this world, there are still many good people.
The days passed like this again, the difference was that the three words Zhou Chumu no longer appeared in Lin Hoven's mouth.
"Zhou Chumu really gone, you later, whether you have seen him?" Finally one day, Ding Lishen asked me this.
"No, no." I said.
In fact, I was lying.
I've seen Zhou Chumu.
It was at the 49 bus stop, he was alone, carrying a large traveling bag, as if he was planning to go somewhere far away.
I didn't know whether to pretend I hadn't seen him, but he took the initiative to greet me and asked, "Lin Hoven is better, right?"
"Yes." I said.
At that moment, it was as if I saw a complicated look on Zhou Chumu's face, but it was fleeting.
"Tell her for me that I'll be back." He said, "On the day I feel I should return."
"You're not going to see her again?"
"No." Zhou Chumu spoke decisively, "Besides, she's been pretty unlucky all the way around since she met me, don't you think?"
"I heard that you found a very rich girlfriend before you broke up with Lin Hoven?" I finally, still couldn't help but ask.
Zhou Chu Mu suddenly laughed. He laughed for a while, then suddenly reached out and touched my face, then said something that almost made me faint, "Dingding, you're so cute."
Then he jumped on an oncoming bus.
I didn't relay Zhou Chumu's words to Lin Hao. Because I know that destiny can be met, and if the heavens have eyes, they will surely meet again somewhere in a certain year and a certain day, with all the unpleasantness of the past washed away and a brand new story started.
So this is something I will never mention to anyone.
Taste the sweet, sour, bitter and spicy of youth. Whether it's me or Lin Hoven or Ding Lixin, may we only remember the best two words of it.
(end)