Birth
More than 30 years ago, I was born in a poor farmer's family, when our family lived in a cow house.
At that time, the family was particularly poor, and my parents worked in the fields and had no time to take care of me, so they left me alone in the fields, and then they worked their heads off in the fields.
When I was young, I was basically in a free-range state, and my parents didn't have the energy to take care of me, so I was particularly spirited.
I climbed from the ground to the table, barefoot in the snow, and fought with the boys, teeth and claws, especially powerful.
At that time, we have a lot of small children in a village, and my cousin, men and women play together, play cards together, steal watermelons.
When I was 5 years old, we moved, not too far away, but a 20-minute bike ride from our original home.
Whenever I got out of school, I used to follow my cousin and my buddies back to the old side of the house, thinking that going back to the new house would not be fun.
In those days, there was no telephone, and the only means of transportation was a bicycle. My father always wondered why I wasn't back by this time, and he pedaled his bicycle around looking for me.
He told me once when he found me that he would come home directly after school, and I said, "Oh, yes. The first thing you need to do is to get your hands on a new one, and you'll be able to do that.
I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do that.
Back and forth a few times, once my father was angry, I drove me home on the road, smoked a roadside thorns, and smoked me, while scolding me, how so disobedient, I cried and said, never again. When I came back, my mom looked at my back several red bars.
Changes
I was an only child, when the family planning was particularly strict, the family more or less patriarchal, my father always take me as a boy.
I've always had short hair and a tomboyish personality since I can remember, and I've always been a bit competitive.
Primary school in the fifth and sixth grades, the popularity of a lot of games, may be a lot of you have not played, cha step, jumping ribbons, grabbing stones, sandbags, ping-pong, all of which I play very good.
When the bell rings, you can organize your friends to play a few games.
They are the most important thing that you can do for your family, and the most important thing that you can do for your family is to make sure that you have a good relationship with your family.
At that time, my table tennis skills in the class a number of two, I went on the other side of the field all destroyed, their own players have no chance to perform, we all feel that it is not interesting, and slowly we are not willing to play with me, even if I stood next to me, no one chose me.
One day, the school suddenly organized to test vision, then I found that I have been myopic more than 100 degrees.
Before that, I didn't know what myopia was, and I didn't realize that I was nearsighted, and my parents didn't tell me, so I thought I was normal.
But I often sit very close to watch TV, and after school I have to lie down in the dim light to write homework. I don't even remember, ever seeing a particularly clear picture.
At that time, unlike now, myopia is very rare, the whole class only I have a myopia, then my parents took me to the big city with a pair of glasses, I have not dared to wear.
Once in class, suddenly someone knocked on the door, the teacher shouted my name, said my father came, sent a glasses case, the students are staring at me, I cried on the spot, my father is still outside the transparent glass window urged me to wear, I said I do not wear.
Until the end of elementary school, I did not wear glasses, preferring to squint in class.
Inferiority complex
After the middle school, the class is large, do not wear glasses to see clearly, had to put on hard.
At that time, I was still a rare species, the boys in the class gave me nicknames, called me a tomboy, four eyes, I did not resist.
The girl sitting in the back row of me, because I moved to touch her desk, causing her to write crooked words, she used a blue pen to draw a horizontal bar on my clothes, I did not resist.
In my third year, I was transferred to the school's best high school class, and many of them were new students. A boy in the back row wanted more space, and squeezed me just enough for me to sit down, and I didn't dare to resist.
At that time, a female classmate said, if I were you, I have to dislike him, and I also cried in my heart, "Why don't you resist?
Maybe there is no friend to support, maybe the heart is not strong enough to support themselves, I am very weak, I hate myself at that time.
Because the family is poor, mom and dad have always pinned their hopes on reading, saying that as long as you study well and take good exams, you'll be fine.
And I am also bent on reading hard, after the evening study bath, playing the lamp in the quilt to see a while, this state from the first year to senior high school, lasted six years, the eye degree also soared to more than 600 degrees.
During this period I did not think of anything else, did not read any extracurricular books, did not shop in any shopping malls, did not go to the big city to play, did not think of falling in love, and even did not want to dress up, clothes are my mother to buy.
At that time in high school, Guo Jingming was particularly hot, especially the book "sadness into the river", a lot of female students have seen, I also borrowed to look at the next, I think it is particularly novel, male students in the popularity of the "how the bad guy is made".
So I can understand, some students said I was a nerd, I really quite dull, especially wearing glasses more dull.
At that time, I didn't like to communicate with others, I went to class alone, went back to the dormitory alone, went to the cafeteria alone, and I especially liked to sleep on the top bunk because it was quiet, and people couldn't just sit on my bed.
There is a loneliness level on the Internet, I smiled, many of which I have experienced, and for many years.
But none of me has ever been to a coffee shop, or a hot pot, or an amusement park, because of poverty.
Mom and Dad see me like this especially anxious, said I see people will not greet, afraid to go to the pile of people, back home also do not love to go out, and do not look for classmates to play, relatives called us to go to dinner as a family, I do not go, how to do in the future, really nerdy not?
One time, the language teacher named me a composition well written, and read part of the content, I am most afraid of this.
The content said "In fact, I am particularly low self-esteem, my family is poor, especially soil, but also wear glasses, if you can not get into the university, what else can I do?".
The content says, "In fact, I have a very low self-esteem, if I can't get into the university, what can I do?
Isolation
In high school, I chose science, academic performance in the class is quite good, quite a lot of female students to ask me questions, willing to play with me.
But I'm used to being alone, not willing to get close to anyone, a classmate chased after me and wanted to walk with me, I threw her away, I'm like a hedgehog, stabbing others to protect themselves.
Finally I got into a second university, that moment in our village is still considered good.
The first time I came to Wuhan, such a big city, southeast and northwest, bus stops will not see, several times to sit in the opposite direction.
The countryside into the city, look at what is rare. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to get a good deal on a new product, but I'm sure you're going to be able to get a good deal on a new product. The first thing I did was to get a good look at my friends and family, and I was able to get a good look at them, and I was able to get a good look at them.
In the evening, after lights out, lying on the bed, the roommates were discussing heatedly, I don't know anything, I can't get into the conversation, so I just put up my ears and listened.
Occasionally, a sentence is inserted, especially strange. They say I'm not a big fan of the idea, but a big fan of the idea.
I continued to live alone, influenced by my roommate, I like to read books. Classes, meals, often alone in the library, sleepy on the table to sleep for a while.
Very full, very secure, I don't want others to put up with my boring when I'm with them, and I don't want to be with others when I'm intent on finding a topic of conversation, I didn't take part in any club activities, the student union, and I don't have much of a presence in the class.
Intimacy
So after a few months, then there is a classmate always looking for me to play, she is quite a lot of words, may see me less words, may want to find a companion, always stick to me.
My first reaction is to reject, reject, then very not deal with intimate relations, for anyone to give the goodwill is cold refused.
But we are still roommates, every day to meet, want to hide can not hide away, then from the bar, so began the life of two people.
Later, a classmate told me, I did not expect you two can be so good, in fact, you two ideas are worlds apart. I also did not expect, perhaps her enthusiasm and smile, is my character in the most missing and yearning for things.
People in the class said that I was her private property, and when they saw her they would ask, what about your xxx? In fact, she is having trouble choosing, I belong to a particularly dry and opinionated type, just I will not express.
When I was a sophomore, a junior high school classmate got married, we were at the same table, the relationship is quite good, I want to go to their wedding, have to send something.
At that time, the popular cross-stitch, card bags, cell phone bags, wallets, pendants, I have embroidered, since it is a wedding, I chose a pair of large hand-holding cross-stitch.
The whole day, all day embroidery, a free time to take the needle and thread, until the night lights out, probably spent a week to complete. When I finished, I was so happy, admiring my own masterpiece, it was so beautiful.
Later, because of his husband's family customary reasons, I did not go into, cross stitch did not send out, has been in my own home.
Continued ......
Note: This article first appeared from the public number (immoderate literary youth)