I once saw a set of data on the Internet:
55% of married women, that they and their mothers-in-law do not get along well;
41% of the men, that their own family has a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law problem.
And nearly half of all divorced couples in China are due to mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationships.
Tsai Kang-yung said a sentence: "Many women for the mother-in-law is a kind of with fatalistic fear."
It can be seen that mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship is not handled well, will cause a series of family conflicts.
I have a sister-in-law who works in a design institute, and she works very hard, and her husband works in a construction unit and often stays overnight at the site.
Therefore, many times she has to face her in-laws alone, coupled with a busy work schedule, often overtime, and then neglected the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
Married to the third year of the daughter was born, she was strong character, the problem of bringing up children with the mother-in-law produced a lot of conflict.
At first, there was only some small friction, and the days were long before they got into a fight at home.
Because of the tension between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, her relationship with her father-in-law and her husband is not harmonious, and the family often jumps.
The last time I contacted her, she was running away from home with her baby in her arms.
The phone was full of gnashing of teeth, she said she had paid so much for the family, but could not get a little good.
No one understands her, no one thinks about her.
She felt in a dilemma, only in her early thirties but living a boring married life.
People often think that relationships in the workplace need to be carefully maintained, while relationships with family members can be ignored because they are based on blood.
In fact, family relationships, especially those between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, need to be maintained with care.
I've been with my mother-in-law for 10 years, and I've lived with her for 10 years, and not only have I never had a problem, but I've enjoyed the time I've spent with her***.
Through these 10 years of observation, I summarized three wonderful tips for dealing with mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relations, and share them with you.
01 Treat your mother-in-law like a leaderThis is the best way to deal with a mother-in-law who is strong in character and has the power of speech at home.
My mother-in-law is such a woman, when she was young, is the unit of the red, but also do a good job of cooking, inside and outside of a hand, the wind and fire for a lifetime, sitting in the home of the "Queen Mother" throne.
Many daughters-in-law think that this mother-in-law has a "Queen Mother disease", difficult to get along with.
But ten years I got along well with her, and the secret is to treat her like a leader.
In the process of getting along with my mother-in-law, I would honor her very much, and even give her compliments from time to time, showing her "leadership position" everywhere.
For example, on weekdays, we always face the leaders with a smile, then face the mother-in-law to smile more, as the saying goes, "do not hit the smiling face of the people";
In the unit with the leaders will be very respectful, then treat the mother-in-law is the same reason, speech and behavior to maintain respect for the elders;
In life, the mother-in-law inevitably complained or blamed the time, the daughters-in-law take this as the leadership of the teachings, do not refute, do not argue.
In short, the daughter-in-law's mind as a kind leader of the mother-in-law, words and deeds show respect, you can dissolve most of the mother-in-law-daughter-in-law conflict.
02 Learning to think differentlyIn recent years, the popular variety show "my favorite women" (the second season renamed "mother-in-law and mother"), the focus on the star's mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship.
As you can see, the ability to think differently during the mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship is crucial.
One of the families on the program is Zhang Jin and Tsai Shaofen.
Zhang Jin is a native of Chongqing, and so is Amy Chua's mother-in-law. The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law's growing environment and living customs are very different.
The program said that the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have different opinions about cooking habits, communication language, and life concepts.
Even so, it can be seen that the two get along very well.
This is the middleman Zhang Jin's ability to coordinate, but more importantly, the daughter-in-law Tsai Shaofen's ability to think differently.
Zhang Jin said: she is very considerate of others, the kind of person, get along with each other will make concessions for each other to avoid friction.
It is no wonder that after their marriage, not only their careers are steadily increasing, but also their families are full of children, so they have a double harvest of love and career.
"Odd Man Out" has a talk about mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship, in the end of the program, Cai Kang Yong's paragraph let me feel very y: "The mother-in-law side of the trouble is also very worth understanding ah, I am actually quite willing to discuss the situation of the mother-in-law. Because in our Chinese society, if we don't give these women who have spent their whole lives taking care of their families the meaning of their own independent lives, but we ask them not to continue to use the identity of the mother-in-law to have their own sense of existence, I think it's very cruel. "
The essence of thinking differently, is to put yourself in the shoes of the person you are thinking of, to understand first.
If a daughter-in-law can stand in her mother-in-law's shoes from the bottom of her heart, and feel the other person's joys and worries like she feels her own, there is a basis for harmonious coexistence.
First of all, there should be a sense of empathy.
In "mother-in-law and mother" Madina confessed: let her mother-in-law to help take care of her son, she gave up her own circle of life. She left her familiar home, endured the separation of husband and wife, give up their own circle of friends, is to help you "as a nanny", may sometimes also because of the "mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship is not harmonious" and aggrieved. The first thing you need to do is to get your hands on a new pair of shoes or boots.
Jiang Chao to Jiang mother and Madina to buy "parent-child clothing", Jiang mother is not willing to wear. Madina was able to understand her mother-in-law's difficulties and offered to match her jacket, and Jiang's mother was also able to understand the good intentions of the two couples, and they all thought about each other's moods differently, so they finally got a perfect ending.
Madina is a typical daughter-in-law with a sense of empathy. When it comes to mother-in-law and daughter-in-law problems, the first thing to look for is not the fault of the mother-in-law, but considerate of the old man's not easy.
In my experience, I usually put myself in the other person's shoes when I feel unhappy.
Of course this is my experience, just for your reference.
For example, one night I went to the balcony to hang out the laundry, and my mother-in-law was there video chatting with an old friend. Because I was walking back and forth and blocking her, she spoke to me impatiently.
I immediately felt aggrieved, and immediately started to think differently.
Thinking of my mother-in-law in order to take care of the winter vacation children, from 7:00 am to 6:00 pm to 7:00 pm, hard work all day, the night should be easy, see me in front of the eyes, impatient is normal.
In fact, the first time I saw this, I was so happy to see it, and I'm so happy to see that it's not a problem.
This is the first time I've ever seen a woman with a baby in her hand, and I've never seen her with a baby in her hand.
Secondly, we need to find a way to think differently.
For example, if your mother-in-law is a senior citizen, you can empathize with them from the perspective of a senior citizen.
Older people have some old ideas, accept new things slower, daughters-in-law should learn to guide the mother-in-law, rather than direct negation, causing conflicts.
After the retirement of the elderly social circle becomes narrow, life is increasingly monotonous, memory is also poor, always nagging, complaining, daughters-in-law to treat these as the mother-in-law's emotional outbursts, more patience.
Thinking differently can not only resolve conflicts, but also allow us to truly accept our mother-in-law, learn to consider them, love them.
So how do you get the distance right in a mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship?
First, keep a physical distance.
In Europe and the United States, the mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship is almost non-existent, because their boundaries are very clearly divided, the elderly will not live with the young.
So as long as the conditions allow, it is recommended to live separately.
Nowadays, many families choose to buy two suites in the same neighborhood, and several families in our neighborhood even buy two suites in the same building. The purpose is to take care of the young people's lives, but also to keep a distance.
If conditions do not allow, the daughter-in-law should try to minimize the time spent alone with her mother-in-law, try to enrich the circle of life of the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, do not let the attention always focus on the home.
For example, the daughter-in-law to return to the workplace, back to work; or more children to participate in outdoor activities, to meet new friends;
The elderly can take a nap in the afternoon, or go out to play cards, square dancing at night, etc., to broaden the circle of socialization.
Second, keep the distance psychologically.
Mr. Liang Hongda said in his own program: "If you take your mother-in-law as a mother, mother-in-law take you as a daughter, it is sure that 'the world is in chaos'!"
Because the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not a blood relationship, it is a social relationship.
If you can't figure out the boundaries between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, your expectations will become infinitely high and you will end up infinitely disappointed.
When it comes to the sense of proportion between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the wife of the king, Kun Ling, grasps it quite well.
She talked about getting along with her mother-in-law in an interview, and after marriage, Kun Ling was warm and considerate to her mother-in-law.
Going out on trips, often with her mother-in-law; will also accompany the elderly to go to church services together, watch Jay Chou's concerts together; go out to work, but also do not forget to give her mother-in-law to pick out a gift ......
Subsequently, she said that she is a very good at pampering her mother, and will be pampering her mother as well.
But when the reporter asked, "So dare to do the same to your mother-in-law?"
Kun Ling replied, "Heh heh, no."
A short 5 words that breaks the true meaning of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law get along: keep the distance.
In fact, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is far from what we think so difficult to deal with, do not need to power means, intrigue and trickery, only need to daughter-in-law like treating the leadership as respect for the mother-in-law, while learning to think differently, keep the distance, can be "chicken flying dog jumping" into the "whole family laughs! "The first thing you need to do is to get your hands on a new one, and you'll be able to do that.