What she always said was, as long as you make me happy, anything is fine.
I then said back to her, "Sister, you sound like a real whore.
She then grinned like a cat, squeezing wintry little wrinkles out of the bridge of her nose, sometimes slapping me in the face, and sometimes making fun of me back.
-I thought we could spend the rest of our lives just gagging and fooling around. Just follow her around for the rest of my life.
1
The years I was in love with her, I was always her confidant. The years I didn't love her, I was always her lover.
I was her confidant when the only time she was in trouble and didn't call me, something happened.
At that time she had just broken up with a man, moved in with a different man, and found out a few weeks later that she was pregnant. The man who lived with her was actually a friend of mine, and also had a girlfriend, but she was out of town. I know that the two of them have been very good relationship in the past, ambiguous up, is also natural. But they always feel bad, do not want me to know, will be cheating general back me, even long time no news.
That was not the first time Zijun got pregnant. She fell in love with the new PE trainee teacher in her junior high school days, a teacher-training graduate. After a few lessons, during a rehearsal for a gymnastics dance, the teacher came over to correct her movements. She stared at him boldly, lingering on the subtle sensation of the man touching her body. Two weeks later, she trailed him to the singles' dorm and slipped a love letter into the man's doorway. Then she gave him her first, second and third ...... Three months later, the internship ended and the man disappeared.
The father slapped her and dragged her into the abortion room. All she remembers about the experience is that the pain was unbearable and called her crazy.
This repeat was too much for Zijun to bear and she had a big fight with my friend. My friend always felt that the child is not his, the two argued to the face, my friend in a fit of anger, then abandoned her, only to call two girls to accompany her.
Surrounded by people are gone, its next to have four sides of the feeling, seems to have reached the cold dead end. There is no way, pondering the death or good, a hundred, anyway, not a few weeks, the abortion of the drug on the abortion of the drug. Zijun take the medicine at noon on the third day began to severe pain, rolling on the ground in pain, pain for most of the day, 5:00 p.m. when the bleeding began, lying in the toilet pit side, sweating like rain, the blood flow is not stopping. The girl who accompanied her started to help catch the blood in a basin, the basin of blood, and then the bleeding was so strong that it could not catch, the toilet a scarlet, watching Zijun gradually passed out, the two women were scared in a cold sweat, panicked and called the man, but the result was that he said that he was out of town where his girlfriend couldn't come over, and told them to look for me.
I couldn't even curse before I hung up and rushed over. She rented a remote house, I called a car from the city to drive over, holding her into the car, to the hospital to run ...... all the way actually tears.
When I picked her up, the blood that flowed out from under her skirt was sticky and stained my body.
Zi Jun survived, lying in bed, weak as a handful of withered grass.
In the early hours of the morning when I was at her bedside, a small doctor on duty came into the ward to look at her, and then looked at me, and said, "You're really playing with people's lives too. What are you thinking about when you're having a good time.
I looked down and smiled, and she smiled back. When the doctor left the room, she said in a low voice, Yao Hui, thank you.
The color of her lips was as dull as a layer of dust, and she spat out these two words in a thin voice, hesitantly reaching out and placing her hand on my knee, and then after a while feeling for my fingers, stubbornly grasping them one by one and gradually clasping them tightly.
I had never seen her so desolate, sobbing eyes looked at her, not knowing what to say. But there was not a trace of movement in my heart.
When I was twenty years old, I told her that no matter what difficulties she encountered in the future, she must tell me. I just want to take care of you.
People she looked up at me with a surprisingly infinite look of pity. She smiled, as if to pacify me, and said, "OK, I'll have to trouble you later.
2
It was in college that I ran into Lan Zijun. The first time I entered the school, the public **** class is as many as the hair, endless call people bored. We were in different classes in the same department, but we were lined up to take those annoying classes together. She never came to the public **** class, but on the basis of the qualification of the department flower, there are always a bunch of boys lined up to shout for her. It was also her good fortune that her name didn't matter if it was male or female. About the name, I later asked her, she just said, the old life has always been recognized as a boy, his father and love to raise orchids, the name before the birth of a good, orchid Zijun - gentleman orchid. Grandfather learned at birth is a girl, pulled down the face and turned away ...... she still lowered her head and said softly, finished and cut the smile. Lan Zijun words and actions have a different kind of proportion, and the crowd of those gaudy tasteless girl to distinguish out.
That was later -- I had never seen her, not to mention the hilarity of helping her roll call, do not want to live with a person anxious to court her, took over the semester to help her shout to the work, but often want to escape from the classroom to go out to play, they threw this errand to me.
I initially refused, saying that you shouldn't be looking for me when so many people are trying to give her a call.
The result was that my friend who was staying with me actually said, "No. This thing let to that gang, it is the same as let Lan Zijun to others! I pondered that the only way I could rest assured was to leave it to you! His monkey-wrenching wolfish look and looked down and wanted to laugh. Ignoring him, he walked away, also considered tacit approval.
From then on I would shout for her to. Each time a reply, I do not know how many people to look back to look at the legendary beauty, but only to see my head down to write expressionless. After a semester of shouting like this, almost everyone in the department knew me.
And when I saw her, it was near the end of the semester.
Public *** Philosophy class, a girl was ten minutes late. I had a seat by the door and was free next to her, so she sat down against me as soon as she entered. I do not care about the surrounding, just focus on writing, a long time, she suddenly asked, said, in the past is you help me call to?
I looked up in surprise, the person in front of me should be Zijun, I thought. I began to understand those who fell in her eyes. She was indeed beautiful.
I nodded at her.
Thank you, she added.
I smiled wordlessly and returned to her, nothing.
That day in class she borrowed my notes to transcribe, I said, my notes are abbreviated, I'm afraid others can not read. She smiled and said, "That's not necessarily true.
I scanned her transcription, but also fluent and comfortable, the abbreviated content of almost all back.
A smart woman indeed, but knows how to hide her smarts. The world was never too fond of overly clever women. The fact that she knew that made her smarter than a smart woman who outwardly revealed her talents.
She gave me back my notes at the end of the class, thanked me, and then invited me to dinner, saying she was grateful for helping her call in.
I excused myself a few times, but she insisted, so I didn't say no again and went to the restaurant with her.
We ate some simple Cantonese food and she said, "I recognized you from the past, and I still read what you wrote. I was a bit shocked when they told me you were Guang Zhai.
She laughs.
Kwang Jae is the name I use in my magazines and books, which is just a take-down of my "yao" character.
I asked her, "Do you also like to read articles and books?
She stretched her back and said wryly, "What, I don't look like a reader? I used to write some myself.
I looked at her with a smile and didn't say anything.
She buried her head in her hands again and said, "At that age, most girls who have something on their mind have to write something. After that age, they don't have that much to think about.
There wasn't much talking throughout the dinner, and our conversations moved toward clarity, floating above the usual topics of life, never going deeper. It was always natural for her to hide herself back, reserved, calm, and with a kind of weariness that was very much in the air.
I think she is a woman who has experienced many things. But she has an extremely precocious mind, relying on forgetfulness to come back to a sound and peaceful person. She never spoke of her past, and she never asked questions of others.
When I looked at her face, I knew that I would not be able to escape her eyes in this life.
At eight o'clock when we finished eating, the waiter came over and we argued about paying the bill, and finally she said, "I owe you a favor, and I should pay you back, so don't make a fuss, I'll do it. She happily paid the bill and we walked out of the restaurant.
When the lights came on, I stood at the curb and said to her, "I'll take you back to school.
She hesitated, smiled faintly, and said, "Yao Hui, I don't live in school. You accompany me to wait here, my friend will come to pick me up soon.
I was embarrassed to the extreme. This kind of woman, naturally, there is no need to go back to the dormitory to pile up. I can't believe I didn't think of that.
We stood on the side of the road, speechless for a while. Soon a black car drove over, before she sidled up to me and said, that ...... we see you later.
I nodded and watched as she got into the car.
The windshield's dim mirror image, I saw inside the face of a middle-aged man annihilated in the world of honor and disgrace.
Many years later, she said, "You're the only man I've ever had dinner with who paid the bill.
With that, we weren't playing that game to begin with.
3
Then we grew familiar. Hanging out occasionally. She had so many friends that it gave me a headache. I'm not often used to being close to people, and this felt like a stone, thought to be solemnly picked up and carried around, but turned out to be nothing more than being thrown into an ornamental tank of collected curiosities to sit idle.
I am not good at making friends, self-reliance has a few special features, like me will like, do not like me as a stranger on the right, has always been indifferent and low-profile. It is also good to fall around the clean, only the past one or two friends, weekdays are not often contact, light as water. Since the teenage years, has been so.
But when I saw Lan Zijun's close friendship with others, I felt lonely.
So, naturally, I was in love with her.
At the Christmas party, we all sang and drank together, and I was so drunk that I hugged her from behind on the sofa and refused to let go. She stroked my head like a pet, took the cigarette out of my hand and didn't say a word. When I opened my eyes again, I was lying on her lap, she was feasting on something with someone else, and sitting and moving around so much that I woke up, got a headache again, got up and staggered to the bathroom to rinse my face. It was dawn.
After the all-nighter that day, I guessed the hostel manager hadn't opened yet, so a few people went out with the intention of having morning tea and then going back to school. Still dizzy, I went to wash my face again and ran into her removing her makeup at the sink in the dining hall.
I said to her drowsily, "I like you, Zijun. After saying that I hugged her. She only wrapped her arms around my waist for a moment, and then her hands dropped down, no longer a little angry, seemingly bored. I heart a cold, words to the mouth also cold down. Slowly let go of her.
Be a friend, or be a friend - she lowered her head to the small mirror to look at her own eyebrows, looked up and said - Yao Hui, I like to be with you, it is because with you to get along with simple, happy, people with people to give too much emotion is not fun. It's not fun anymore, if I become like that with you, it'll be tasteless. You are a smart person. You know what we should do, right.
I stood in front of her and smiled bitterly.
Seeing this, she raised her head and gently stroked my chin and said, "Yao Hui. You do not understand me. I am a person who has experienced some unpleasant
things. But the past is so far away that I never mention it to myself.
I said, "Zijun, I know this. Soon after I came into contact with you, I had a feeling that you were the one with the story. It's just that you don't care to talk
about it.
She continued, so I am different from you. But I don't want to lose you. I mean it. You promise me.
I nodded and she brushed my shoulder and walked out.
I stood there thinking, "So be it, lovers are a matter of the night and the day. It is better for two people not to be together ...... or not to be together.
But Zijun, was the first person I loved.
4
I didn't go home for the vacation at the end of first grade, and rented a small, parochial apartment off-campus by myself. The building, already a colonial relic, was extraordinarily dark. The walls of the stairwell were dry and cracked into moth-winged flakes of lime, and the red, slender wooden shutters were dusty, misshapen from the wind and sun, and impossible to close.
The walls inside the house were already a dull gray color, and there was a little leak in the corner of the ceiling, like a dirty ink drawing. I spent half of my vacation tidying up the room. I painted the walls myself and found scrap rice paper, crumpled it up and wrapped it into a cone over the bare light bulb. When I pulled the lamp cord, it reflected a black-and-white ink drawing, which was very interesting.
I thoroughly washed the floor, cleaned the wooden shutters, and gave the table and bed a coat of varnish.
This old house is the only one I rented, with a small kitchen and bathroom, for the small curved balcony I liked at first sight. Outside the house on the sunny side of the brick wall with verdant creepers, spread to the balcony, the small world wrapped around, full of dark green leaves shade, the upstairs tenants more interesting, with a lush rose, the flower branches over the fence hanging down to my balcony shade, really is a fat water flow outside the field. I bought a few more pots of flowers and plants from the flower and bird market to keep on my balcony.
It was a midsummer morning, the rose on the balcony like curtains to cover the light, sleep vaguely feel the smell of jasmine, listening to the downstairs marketplace, vehicles, crowds of people hustle and bustle, and feel that the living is rich, to be this hustle and bustle is not lonely in the world, because of the lonesome in my heart. Every day to do study, read books and practice words. I'm afraid to leave myself a gap.
Later on in the vacation, Lan Zijun and her boyfriend had a fight, gambling in the night three central time to run out, nowhere to go, directly to knock on my door. That night it was raining showers, I opened the window, the wet wind gusts puffed into the house.
Someone knocked on the door and called my name, the voice was covered by the rain, I couldn't hear who was coming, but I had an intuition that it was Zijun. I opened the door and saw her leaning against the wall, all wet, a strand of hair falling from her forehead and sticking to her skin, the remnants of her makeup on her face were wrecked by the rain, and there were no tears, she just looked at me and didn't say anything. It reeked of alcohol.
I knew how it was, and without asking too many questions, I guided her into the house.
She dropped down and I found her a towel to wipe her head, and a loose clean shirt to tell her to take a shower.
I listened to the sound of rushing water in the bathroom, apprehensive and despondent. Gathering up her bag and skirt, which she had thrown on the chair, and hanging them up, I went to the kitchen and served her a bowl of lotus seed congee.
She came out of the wet wash, wearing my shirt, and her feet were actually in spaghetti strap high-heeled sandals. This is the bone charming woman, even this kind of scruffy dress, have sexy meaning. I know I'm no different from ordinary men who like sexy women.
Zi Jun sat on the edge of the bed while wiping his head while looking around my house, only to say, you this nest, make like a little daughter-in-law.
I don't say anything, hand her the lotus seed soup, she took it and buried her head and drank it. The first time I saw her, she said, "I'm tired, I want to go to sleep. I know she is not good at drinking, so I turned off the light, helped her take off her shoes, lifted her feet and put them on the bed. She laid down on the bed and closed her eyes. I stroked her forehead and lowered my head and kissed her hair.
But I knew I couldn't sleep with her. We are different from others, we do not speak of the night and day ......
I stood in the dark for a moment and called her softly, Zijun. She didn't answer me, I think she was asleep.
I went to the balcony grimly, the rain had stopped. The color of the night was fading. A cool breeze was blowing. I was bored and smoked a cigarette, looking at this dark night under the silence of the city. In the depth of the lights, downstairs between the cracks of the street walked through the lost soul of the woman; corner of the small skylight through a bean of light, that is who is sleepless again. I was drenched in night dew, and when I re-entered the house, she had fallen into a deep sleep. I sat on the edge of the bed and watched her peaceful and ignorant sleeping face, only to realize that this night's dream is cold.
If you get the feeling, don't be happy about it.
I missed your childhood, your teenage years. You have become a woman with a story, swim across the river and go, the heart so aging. Our lives are separated by a whole long river. I just want to give you a notoriously clean embrace, but this has also become a phantom.
Zijun.
I read at my desk for a while and it was dawn. I had a major class first thing in the morning, so I had to get back to school. Before I left, I cooked her breakfast and put it on the table. I tore off a piece of note paper and wanted to leave a message, but I couldn't find the words to put it down, so I crumpled the paper into a ball and threw it away, and then turned around and saw that she was still sleeping, as peaceful as a baby.
The morning of the class was peaceful and quiet, the big staircase classroom in the head of a black pressure, stifling heat unbearable, the professor lectured half dead, very people bored. I went out to the library in the middle of the day to stay there, looking for a few books to read, mindlessly thinking of Lan Zijun, thinking of whether she got up, ate or not eat, where to go at noon, is still not in that room. I thought about it so hard that I simply threw away the books and went home.
Opening the door, I saw the bed empty, heart suddenly cold. The breakfast on the desk was still there. With the room empty, I sat down demotivated and stared at the cold milk.
She left in such a hurry that she didn't even fold the quilt, and didn't leave a note.
I ran into her at school in the afternoon and saw her smiling face again. After exchanging pleasantries, she said, "Thank you for last night. I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it back in time for my elective exams tonight. I do not even think about it said, then you toss your things to go, the test I help you go. She was happy, thanked, and went on her merry way.
Evening self-study ten minutes ahead of time to find her classroom to take the test, an hour after finishing, estimated that she can at least have a good grade, then hand over the paper out of the door of the classroom, turn around, and then saw her standing in the corridor, feet together, back against the wall, as if she was kicked out of the classroom to stand in the same way as the middle school girls, silent, the bottom of the eyes are always hiding unhappy stories, like a quiet and The cat is a quiet and alert cat.
In that moment, it was as if I really saw her as a teenager. There was pain in my heart all of a sudden.
When Zijun saw me come out, she looked at me with a big smile and came over to me and picked up my arm. I think she was smiling frankly and naturally because she was happy from the bottom of her heart.
I didn't expect her to be here, and I was pleasantly surprised, and asked her, "Are you back from your trip?
She joked that it was not easy to see you as a gunman. The building, it is a cool night, we walked to the back door of the school's small restaurant to eat a large plate of boiled crab, stir-fried kale, and Grandma's soup, and went to see the art students put on a free movie, the old film, the old story of the south of the city, the screening room is simple and sparse, are sleepy and sleepy past. When the show was over, she was still leaning on my shoulder, and I still couldn't move for fear that she would wake up. I wish I could just sit down like this.
When she left, she insisted on going back to her dormitory. The first time she went back to the dormitory, there was no one in the dormitory, and the long empty beds were used by other people in the dormitory to pile up things. She was sleepy, irritable, grabbed the bed of other people's clothing and threw it to the side, fell down and wanted to sleep, did not think of the quilt that a tide of mold mixed with the smell of dust called people choking, sleep, and called me, just said she wanted clean sheets. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this, but I'm going to be able to do it," he said.
I rushed to hold a stack of clean sheets and duvet covers and ran over to her dormitory, and played a pot of boiled water, waiting in front of the door of her eyes to give her.
She came out scruffily, took the sheets and covers, put down the kettle, and held up the cotton cloth in front of me, burying her whole face in it and inhaling y, and at the end of the day, she said softly, "The sun smells pretty good," she said. She smiled again. The body is still wearing the clothes I bought for her.
I said, sleep well, sleep well, everything will be fine.
She still smiled and answered me, "Who said I am not good?
She said goodbye and went back to her dormitory with soft feet.
She lived in the school for a few days and became collected, and came to school on time every day. I called her sister when I met her, and she responded cheerfully, laughing and joking a few times, very happy.
I don't know if she was around a lot of people called her boredom, but where she is in school, we will be like junior high school students, two small playful days, class boredom slipped out of the classroom to go to the kiosk together to buy tea eggs to eat; at noon after class is too crowded cafeteria will be in the fruit stalls to buy watermelon and boiled sweet potatoes to lunch; also together with the rent of the old movie tapes secretly get the school's broadcasting room to put on to see, she always says She always said it was very boring; exams to clasp, she will be unprecedented and I went to the library to study, very occasionally in the playground to walk a few laps, or scurrying on the street, looking for restaurants in the alleys to eat her hometown food. Occasionally, she would come over to my apartment for an all-night movie and some wine.
At that time, she was very fond of singing, was a radio station, often go to the recording, and sometimes advertisements, I accompanied her to go, once on the road when she was in a good mood, tell me some of the gimmicks she had seen and heard of, said last time in the rehearsal hall to see a seemingly quite a head of the stunning beauty of the quiet sitting there; the results really "quite a head of", and soon after sitting down, they kept on talking to each other. "Soon after she sat down, the men from the acting company kept flirting with her according to their positions. Zijun while speaking while imitating the scene, reached out on my shoulder, face also came over as a flirtation, the fine hairs on her face touched my skin, my heart was steeply hard thumped, the expression is stiff. Naturally, this gimmick she did not know.
The night walk, reflected in the riverbank lights like emerald glass, in the night water waves gently swaying, the scenery is very beautiful. An aunt set up a booth to take pictures, fast imaging photos. She was in a good mood, to take pictures. I laughed, said she is vulgar, took the camera over, took the two of us in the street lamp light shadow.
The two shadows were leaning together, reflecting on the ground in a long and oblique way, and looked very deep and savory. It's the two of them, but they have a reflection in each other's lives. I don't want to talk about the night and the day.
She put the photo in her handbag and said, "I like this photo, I will remember this night.
Half a month later, she and her boyfriend got back together and went back to stay at his house.
My apartment is still dark, trapped in a noisy city like a quiet deserted island that is gradually sinking.
Sometimes at night, when I can't sleep with my mind on something else, I get up and listen to the cello, and then I practice my penmanship on my desk with a pad on my laptop. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do that, but I'm going to be able to do it, and I'm going to be able to do it. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do that, but I'm going to be able to do it," he said.
I don't see her much at school anymore. But I still see her at dinner parties with a bunch of friends, and she's used to sitting with me, and she always says, "I'm still having fun with you, I'm still having fun with you".
It's a good thing that I'm not a big fan of the idea, because I'm not a big fan of the idea, and I'm not a big fan of the idea that I'm not a big fan of the idea.
She then smiled and said, no problem, as long as you make me happy, anything is fine.
Sister, that's a real whoremonger's tone of voice.
Who's whoring you.
The two then jostled and laughed heartlessly.
5
It used to be so sad to look at her smiling face, so what. Zijun. I can't sadly sit beside her again. The first time I saw her, I felt that she already had too much past, her brow is whitewashed, she has forgotten, she does not mention it, but I am heartbroken, I can not afford to let her be unhappy. But I missed her childhood, teenagers. Otherwise, I will give her a peaceful life.
In the past, I always felt that I was to be more merciless can have more merciless people. If anyone feels that I treat him with indifference, then his feeling is right, because the world's love is as thin as paper, I am tired, no longer have the interest to do nothing in return. I'm just a layman, and I don't have the heart to think about others.
But I know in my heart that Zijun is different. I suffer from what she doesn't suffer from, and I mourn what she doesn't mourn, and I only want to leave her to meet and enjoy every day and night, and I'm drunk and laugh with you for 30,000 games, and I don't tell you that I'm sad.
Then this thought became a habit, but really they are also rich and happy, there is a person in the heart there, is a collection, so fill the blank of life.
I remember a night of reading until the early hours of the morning, and read this sentence:
......
But you won't forget me. You don't need to forget me. I'm so light to you that you can eat me like a Sunday afternoon marshmallow from time to time and tune into the flavors of life. You'll miss me when you're alone, miss my obsession with you, and think: I've met a passionate woman.
Instead, I have to spend a lifetime forgetting, fighting misses and hopes; things are never fair, I'm playing a bet that I'm bound to lose, losing a lifetime of affections.
......
There will be a day. The memories and misses will not outlast our lives; but how much time, how much space, how many other people's, my, and your things, how many trains have run, how many people have left and how many have come back, is there going to be between me and that day. Is that day mixed in between so many things, people, moments, distances, that it is impossible to remember to recognize it? Will that day come and I won't even know it? I won't say, for example, that on April 5, 1976, in Tiananmen Square, I forgot you. At that time I remembered you but I couldn't remember how it felt. So there is no point in saying forget, just as there is no point in using words to say silence.
I read this paragraph over and over again, my heart was so moved that it hurt, and holding back hot tears, I put pen to paper and copied it down, and went out in the early hours of the morning, and ran two blocks, and found an old, dark green mailbox, and mailed it to her. It was dawn when I walked slowly back alone. As I walked, the streetlights went out one by one. It was as if the world had lost its light because of me. I said in my heart, "Zijun, there will never be anyone else as obsessed with you as I am. And I will never be as obsessed with you again.
The sun is far away, but there will be a sun.
And it seems that from that night onwards, cold-eyed look at her side of the people changed again and again, more and more love affairs, people year after year out of the more measured, even jokes are convergence up, posture has been impeccable. The fact is, I'm not sure how much I'm going to be able to do this, but I'm sure I'll be able to do it," he said.
I always think that she will remember, will not be a child to her plotting against the neighboring relatives, will not be a call her pain in the stomach of the child, will not be the middle school when the first love of the teenager, will not be twenty years old, a certain middle-aged man who took her into the gorgeous restaurant, will not be a certain and she accosted and stayed in her phone number of the sex ... ... . it won't be anyone, and it won't be me.
She would remember no one. The comings and goings are just reflected in her eyes, calling them a pair of eyes with a story. But I know that no matter who comes and goes around her, she will know how to live her life. And that was enough.
I just watched her dance lightly through the world, tossing and turning night after night, rubbing shoulder after shoulder, like she was watching a play. In the past, I was in tears, but now I've become more and more relaxed, and I'm just determined to be the last one to leave when the song ends.
6
When the final exams were held in the third year of college, Lan Zijun missed too many classes and was persuaded to leave the school.
After the disciplinary action was announced, she disappeared for a long time. After the vacation, the school was clean, she came back and asked me to help her pack up her dormitory belongings and move out of the school.
I sorted out her things, sorted and packed them, and carried them downstairs to put them in my car. When I was packing, I saw a photo wedged in the corner under the bed that had been discarded for a long time. It was the shadow of two people under a streetlight.
I picked it up, wiped off the dust on it, and was momentarily heartbroken. We were walking along the river that night, the lights were intoxicating, the flowers were beautiful. She wanted to take a picture, so I took this shadow of the two of us and left it with her, and she said, "I will never forget this night.
I took the photo and wanted to speak to her, but I saw that she was busy organizing her clothes with her back to me. I looked at her back, the words came to my mouth cold, only to ask in my heart, Zijun, can you remember ...... but I know she has no heart. She will not care.
I did not say anything, silently put the photo into his chest closure of the coat pocket, as if nothing happened, continue to pack.
She left school and didn't return home. And then pretty much cut off contact with me after that. She was always the one who was going to be late but leave early. But I preferred to believe that I knew her, that she was too afraid of the cold of this world, or that she was too used to it.
Later, I realized that she was very depressed, broke up with her family, left school, and lived in a room given to her by a married man, willing to be a bird in a cage. Life is only left to daytime sleep, watching DVDs at night, a whole day a whole day lying in bed to eat wine, smoking ...... the only waiting for, is that he came to do a few love with her. The man's heart is narrow, afraid of her and other people hitched, not allowed her to go out, and do not give her any money. It was almost confinement.
When I went to see her, she had just gotten out of bed and opened the door for me, a bleary face, not yet awake. I stepped in, stepping over the disks and bottles and cigarette butts that littered the floor, and was suddenly cold.
She still has the same red face, but it's just like a gaudy thin shadow, acting more and more uncontrollable child's play, and like a poppy in a deep valley, fluttering in the wind like a candle.
I can not help but say, Zijun ...... you this is why bitter.
She said, you do not come to talk to me. Do not ask me and do not say. Just sit with me and have a meal.
She broke up with the man a few days later, after which she got together with a friend of mine. The three also came out to eat once, each other know each other, look up playful laughter flooded, low head on the gloomy speechless.
Meet her again, is her girlfriend called me, wait for me to understand what is going on, the heart is sour, resentment, panic, but still do not think about rushing over to find her, conditioned reflexes in general. Zijun ah Zijun.
I heard her cries of pain and picked her up off the floor in the dirty, cramped bathroom, all covered in blood in one hand. Blood as cheap and humiliating as tears. The texture seemed to be a stark, blunt reminder of the warm semen someone else had left on her, or maybe it was an overnight tear.
Her forehead was a cold sweat, but she smiled at me. I couldn't bear to despise her, and I looked down and kissed her hair, falling into tears as well.
She made it through, just very weak. Like a handful of dead grass.
Her lips were dull as a sprinkle of gray, and she said thank you to me, spitting out the words thinly, reaching out hesitantly to rest her hand on my knee, and after a moment groping for my fingers, grasping them stubbornly, one by one, gradually snapping them tight.
I had never seen her so desolate, sobbing eyes looked at her, not knowing what to say. There was not an ounce of movement in my heart.
Zi Jun - I thought silently - this is the unspeakable flavor of the world. I had thought that I had the heart to bear for you for the rest of my life, and to give you affection with patience and without words. I have also been so obsessed with you. But I am tired after all. The heart is aging, do not want to be a poor man. You don't belong to me, and I don't belong to you.
Yao Hui, let's be together.
She said.
I did not respond, sitting alone next to her, slowly thinking of some things, remembering the night to read the sentence that called for tears, copied down, in the early morning went out and walked two blocks to send her. I think of her emotionally said, still with you happy ah still with you happy; think of her disillusioned in the rainy night knocking on my door; think of her holding up my bed sheets, deep inhalation smell ...... I think of her stroking my chin, do not lose me.
When was all that. That memory fades like the night. About the time when I was still in love with her. So what. I was a blank sheet of paper when I met you. You just wrote the first word on the paper, I just gave a lifetime of love, there are waves in the bottom of my heart. But I know the waves are always calm.
There is no more beautiful silence in the world.