Fresh out of school, my anxiety is due to the monthly salary of 2000, every day off work on time and parents dinner, every weekend and mom and her friends shopping together, together with listening to the middle-aged women's chatting about the family life, that time I feel like every day and a group of middle-aged women to stay together to be wasted, although living with parents is very comfortable, but also very happy, but the thought of such a low Salary how to give parents and the future of their own better life, so I left my parents, a person came to Shenzhen, so resolute, in fact, there is a reason because that I can not get out of the pain of the love lost and the work was discouraged by the sorrow, I do not want to let my parents to see my sadness, that time in the online Baidu Poster Bar to meet the Zhengzhou girl who wanted to come to Shenzhen to fight together, I met with her to come to Shenzhen. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to get a good deal. A hard seat for two days on the train I sat in Shenzhen, and later did meet with the Zhengzhou girls, together with job interviews, everyone said that the network of liars, but I trusted, fortunately, the girl and I was as enthusiastic to come to Shenzhen, and later and she failed to long contact, because of her lively character, some of the concepts I can not accept, such as her own boyfriend in the hometown, but also looking for a boyfriend in Shenzhen, such a person I resisted in heart. Such a person my inner resistance, in addition to her particular material gold worship, interest. Then I slowly alienated her, a person in Shenzhen.
And now she broke up with her boyfriend in her hometown, and her boyfriend in Shenzhen together, I heard that because her boyfriend in her hometown is not willing to come to Shenzhen, and she aspires to the big city. A girl if not strong inside is easily swallowed by the loneliness of the city, a person is not easy to put down roots here, and her Shenzhen boyfriend has a house and car can provide her with work and dreams and so on the help, in fact, there are times when I envy her, and all of a sudden live a little moody life, no matter which one card photos are beautiful and romantic moody, and my photo card place is always I am always at home or in the company or on the way to the company. Of course, I do not regret, because the choice is different, that kind of life, I have thought countless times in Shenzhen to find a rich even if I do not like so much man to help me achieve career and dreams, but I found that I can not do it, the heart is very resistant.
So, if I say to you single within these three years, I did not meet any opposite sex that is certainly false, this three years met a lot of the opposite sex, youthful years there are always people courteous, but the social men courteous and the university is completely different, the social men at most is to ask you to eat a meal to watch a movie, or even a date, if you are indifferent, almost no next time, not to mention the sick will be accompanied by the next time, not to mention the next time. Not to mention will accompany to the hospital when you are sick and give comfort and encouragement when you are sad. So I met, I think it is not suitable, because they can not give me the kind of state, not to say that those people how bad, in fact, are very good, have met the public hospital doctors, customs people, new media director, Huawei engineers, programmers, foreign trade salesman, purchasing manager, teachers, personal entrepreneurial bosses, the state civil servants... ... they are very good, excellent and shiny job, and even some family background is very good, but really all are lovers not yet, of course, I absolutely did not know so many people at the same time, are three years in a different period of time to know, I basically each time will only be attentive to and a person to know, but and they are also just to know, almost every is only meet once, of course, some now became very common friends. So, in the road of feelings, I do not say that rely on God to give, but very hard in the fight, to meet my him, but feelings or quite failed. I'm especially cautious, if not the man I'm looking for, I will definitely clear the relationship, stating that it is just a friend, definitely not ambiguous.
Life or life is not just about men, it's more about being alone.
Countless times I want to leave Shenzhen, back to my parents, but I know that after going back I will continue to be restless. I will continue to live with my parents, and a group of middle-aged women to stay together to chat, listen to the family, accompanied by a fake smile, my parents will be in charge of me not to let me go out to play, and in Shenzhen, I can go home at midnight or not go home to sing in the ktv inside the night, in Shenzhen, I've been slowly accustomed to the climate here, the culture here. Inside is very persistent and unwilling, but the longer the time to come to Shenzhen, the more people I know, I found more anxiety inside. I'm not sure how much I'm going to be able to get out of this.
Despite knowing a lot of colleagues, strangers, hobbies, but in my heart colleagues will always be colleagues, strangers are also very difficult to become sincere friends, hobbies is nothing more than to get together when playing, and then there is no intersection, sick people have to go to the hospital alone to register, so I ate a very light no tongue taste of food, and I'm just going to be tired again in the middle of the night also want to exercise fitness. Sad failure can only be a person code words to vent out or eat a drink a binge, I am most ashamed of my emotional out of control after the binge. A person is actually very dashing and free, but when you are sick really torture, remember once in the middle of the night stomach cramps, I feel like I almost died that night in the rental room, no one knows. At that time, I especially wanted to have my parents and someone around me. In Shenzhen, it is true that you can share a room with a colleague to save money, but I'm used to the lazy freedom of living alone, and I don't want to share a room for fear of not getting along well. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do that, but I'm sure I'll be able to.
Coming to Shenzhen in a flash on more than two years, a flash of 2018 is also close to the end of the next year, next year, 2019, I am coming to Shenzhen or not, I am also very contradictory, because it has always been the pursuit of a perfect person, so like me such a perfectionist life or work are quite tired. Because it has always been meticulous. But ambition and ability always don't match, so that's why the anxiety, I guess.
I see on the Internet a lot of people sunshine education, sunshine jobs, sunshine monthly salary, and even think that driving and cooking is very good, in my heart education is always in the past, of course, good past can be a plus. But what I value more is a good present and a clear goal for the future. Cooking and driving are just essential life skills that everyone needs to learn, and there's really nothing to brag about.
This cold weekend lying in bed, I can not sleep, last night stayed up late, sleep is 12:30 sleep, get up in the morning directly face acne, because last night because of the section two hung mood swings in the middle of the night at ten o'clock ate snacks, so this morning immediately see the effect.
Lying in bed, I suddenly thought, how do I spend the rest of my life, the past I have been looking for a man, think it seems to have found the right man, life will turn the tide, as friends and classmates around the marriage, seem to have found the end of life. It seems that I am the only one who is running around looking for a man. But if I really find my ideal man now, will I be happy? I do not like to lose, like the feeling of winning, but three years after graduation, I do not have anything to be proud of, of course, the first time I was proud of my monthly salary of more than 10,000 when I was proud of the next, but then I found that my monthly salary of more than 10,000 when my peers have long been in Shenzhen to buy a house, buy a car, even my high school classmates, he also opened three hot pot outlets, my pride all of a sudden! There is no trace of my pride, I feel that I am almost thirty years old, although the work looks bright and shiny, but in fact it is a job that will be replaced by newcomers at any time, at any time to face the fate of elimination out of the game, so my job is not stable, full of risk, and is very hard work. Not only do you have to have IQ you also have to have emotional intelligence financial intelligence.
Following the rest of my life, how do I spend my time, if I come to Shenzhen next year or a person who does not meet the right one, I still have to live in the current house? This room has spent two years of my youth, every day living in this room, I am a person happy cooking food, dance fitness, jazz dance, writing, in this room invited students and neighbors ate my cooking, in this room, I also almost stomach ache in the middle of the night almost died. It might actually be time to move next year, because I'm really tired of living here.
Will I continue to work at my current company next year? I've been thinking about leaving my job for a while now. But also greedy for the stability of the immediate, honestly, I really financial intelligence is not high, the face of opportunity a lot of times very contradictory entangled timid and afraid of things, so it will always feel very poor it, work three years have no savings. My financial investment ability is still very poor. Next year my job is definitely to change, maybe the company will close down? But it's not clear, anyway, the paycheck has been delayed and not paid. My job is probably a problem that must be solved later in life, and if I lose my job for the rest of my life, I think it's a terrible thing, because if I lose my job, I won't have any money to pay the rent, I won't have a place to live, and I won't have any friends in Shenzhen, so I have to learn more job skills, and I'll have to get a new job that I love and don't get tired of.
For the rest of my life, I don't want to be as emotional as I am right now, I want to know enough about my own heart, enough to be able to control myself, I'm very interested in psychology, I've been inside the absence of graduate school this thing nagging at me, maybe I should take a master's degree in psychology, to become a counselor. But now I can't even handle my own emotions, how can I grow to help others with theirs. Maybe I need to get an IELTS TOEFL, Japanese Level 2 so I can look abroad later, I was actually embarrassed when I laughed at myself with the participants in the last course that I didn't go abroad.
The rest of my life, I don't want to live in the present life, I can only live in the middle of the village, I can only buy wholesale market food, I can't afford to go into the supermarket, I can't afford to buy clothes, I can't afford to do anything, I feel that I am full of limitations. I can't be a rich man, but I hope I can at least afford to buy the things I want, and be worthy of the people I want to have, and have that bottom line, rather than meet the people I like, and only be a low voice, and meet the things I like can only touch and look at, and leave helplessly.
The rest of my life, I hope to give my parents a stable life in old age, if there is no parents for me to study, probably I will now be a restaurant waitress little sister, or perhaps a factory assembly line workers. In fact, I've done both jobs in summer vacation, so I now face waitresses or workers, I feel very sorry for them and respect them. For the rest of my life, I hope I can gain more. I hope I can get more out of it and fulfill my dreams.
For the rest of my life, I hope I can get a higher degree, have TOEFL IELTS Japanese, can speak Japanese and English fluently. I want to be able to go abroad and communicate without barriers. I hope to be able to help more people. I hope to earn more money to give my parents a stable life in their old age, and to prevent myself from marrying out, and to have a wonderful and interesting life in my old age alone.
Maybe you think I'm thinking too much, but realize that the earth is not going to explode in my lifetime, so a lifetime is so long, if I don't think about the rest of my life, how will I face the big changes in my life later.
In the future, I will have to face more difficulties than now, I have to face the departure of my parents in their old age, I have to face the separation of my loved ones, that time is painful, so I have to become stronger, so that in case I am alone for the rest of my life, I won't feel lonely inside.
Work hard. May all the wishes in the daily ordinary efforts to adhere to become realistic, may we all live up to their own the rest of their lives, can love others, but also can love themselves, take care of themselves. May we also be able to take care of our beloved ones. May we live up to the existence of this lifetime.