The main problem is the lack of communication and companionship with family members in the name of love.
Recently, a program on "Odd Man Out" has been brushed with the question, "Should we support our parents when they propose to go to a nursing home with their old partner? Many people said that they could not remember what each of the debaters said after watching the whole program, but only knew that they cried from the beginning to the end. Affection, and the relationship with parents, is the last line of defense for most people wearing hard armor, once touched, immediately routed.
What impressed everyone was Ma Weiwei, who said: "The most painful choice in life is when both are wrong, and at that time we have to choose which one of them is the cost we are more able to carry. When my parents are old enough, I'll have to live with them, even if I can foresee that it won't be a harmonious household."
She tells, "A few of our friends live in Beijing and rent an apartment together, and my parents never dare to stay at my house when they come to visit me in Beijing. They said, we Weiwei from childhood do not like to live with others, if this time we went to live at home, then the next time Qiu Chen parents came, Zhou Xuanyi parents to come to also live in her home, Weiwei will certainly be annoyed, she will certainly not be able to stand. I believe that their fear of trouble is sincere, but can I really accept this sincerity with open arms? One day they will definitely say they will go to the best nursing home because they are afraid of bothering me. They will surely check in with me just as I check in with them. But are these necessarily true words? What comes out of the heart isn't always true, it's love talk."
At this point, all the audience in the room had burst into tears. Maybe we all have similar images in our heads: we are trying to get a foothold in the city, we are scolded by our bosses and continue to work overtime until late at night after wiping our tears in private, we are dealing with all kinds of people we like and don't like in order to negotiate a project, we are squeezing into shared rooms at night in order to save money, and squeezing into buses and subways like sandwiches in the morning.
However, when I talk to my parents on the phone, it's always in a relaxed tone: "I'm fine, my boss appreciates me, my work is going well, everything is fine, so don't worry. How are you guys?" The parents on the other end of the phone also seemed to be infected by this relaxed mood, said cheerfully: "Every day I play cards with my old pals, square dancing, practicing yoga, the body is good, don't worry about us, take care of yourself, don't be reluctant to spend money, mom and dad will always be your strong backing."
Reporting good news is the most common feature of communication between most parents and children.
This has the advantage of looking like a happy scene. Most parents will never tell their children that their blood sugar was a little high yesterday; that their legs are a little weak because they are getting older; that they are worried about their children being alone in a foreign country where they are not yet married; that they are always tossing and turning at night and can't go to sleep until late ......
Until one day the child receives a phone call from home, and his or her father or mother said the body recently a little bad, let come back to see. The child returned home and found that his parents have been hospitalized for a long time, the more serious has been given a critical notice. Looking at the dying on the hospital bed, the child froze there in disbelief: obviously a few days ago on the phone to laugh and tell themselves, do not worry about home, try to pursue their dreams. Now but in and the disease to carry on the difficult struggle, everything seems to come so suddenly, suddenly let a person caught off guard.
Why do most parents and children tend to "report the good news, not the bad"?
Because there is a preconception that is formed before the expression: I tell the other person that I am fine, so that the other person can be assured that he or she can do his or her own thing. Only by doing so can I be considered "understanding". This phenomenon is so common that everyone who heard Ma Weiwei's speech had mixed feelings, poking at the pain point.
Is "reporting the good news and not the bad news" really a form of expression that should be encouraged? Not necessarily.
Behind the "good news not bad news", we can see people's anxiety and worry: worried that the other side can not withstand the reality of the pressure, worried about the life of the responsibility of the other side to be distracted, you think it is understandable for the other side of the responsibility, but ignored some responsibilities and obligations must be borne by their own.
Behind this anxiety and worry, in fact, both sides to a certain extent to imagine each other too fragile.
There is another assumption that the receiver of the message is not telling the truth: these sweet and sincere words of love are not true. I mean, what I hear and what I see is not necessarily the truth, and what others say may be coaxing me. What is the basis for judging whether someone is telling the truth? The individual's own perception.
As an example, V today look at his boyfriend's face is not very good, has been holding the phone without any communication, so the heart began to mutter: is he not happy. I'm not sure if I've ever had a good time, but I'm sure I've never had a good time before. I didn't expect my boyfriend to deny it: no ah, I'm quite good.
There are two options for V at this time: one is to believe that your boyfriend's "good news not bad news" is nothing, and I should do what I do; one is to question your boyfriend's words, either by constantly asking what's going on, listing all the ways in which he's acting out of character so that he recognizes that he's unhappy, or by pointing the finger of blame at yourself, and starting to remember what you did. The first thing you need to do is to get your hands dirty and start remembering what you have done to make him unhappy.
Which one to choose depends on the previous experience of the two people, which is called "projection" in psychology, and the process is strongly subjective.
Telling the truth, being honest, is difficult, and believing that what the other person is saying is the truth is even more difficult.
Once a friend complained to me: "Although I'm older now, I just don't want to find a boyfriend, and I think it's good to live my life alone. But my parents will always say that I am obviously anxious in my heart, out of face mouth does not recognize. They refuse to believe that what I say is what's in my heart no matter what."
On another occasion, C was hanging out with some friends. When we were eating fruits, our friends enthusiastically brought out the freshest fruits of the season for C. C politely refused and said she didn't want to eat them, but her friends insisted: "Don't be polite, eat less." After pushing and shoving for a long time, C still stuffed down a few fruits.
These two examples are both sincere and well-intentioned, but for the recipient, such sincerity and good intentions are against her subjective will, so she chose to refuse, but in the eyes of others, the refusal has become a stiff upper lip and politeness.
How to be honest?
The first step is to build a habit of trust: to choose to believe that what the other person says is what they think, and to trust that the other person has the ability to say what they really think out of a free-will choice.
Admittedly, this is a difficult thing to do in a humanistic society like ours, where we are used to "reporting the good news but not the bad," but as Deaconess Huang says, "It's a waste to keep guessing."
As a parent, you want children to tell TA, if TA is willing, will naturally find time to come to see you; as a child, you do not like parents nagging to tell him some fresh and fun topics;
As a partner, you are not happy to tell each other the reason for unhappiness, even if you don't know the reason is better than a prevarication that there is nothing. You care about each other is not yet vulnerable to the point where you must be gentle and careful care, TA also has the ability to solve problems and the confidence to withstand suffering.
Don't report the good news in the name of love, let the other side know what you really think, spend more time to communicate and share, find a balance is not a kind of love?
Don't use your so-called love and understanding to speculate on each other's minds, life is short, why not choose to simply believe that what TA said that thought.