Chapter 8
She loved to laugh. She wears a white T-shirt with cute back pants, her long black hair tied into two pigtails left and right, riding on a bench, smiling sideways at you, revealing a mouthful of white shellfish teeth and a warm, innocent smile.
-- Comment on a picture of Sanmao studying abroad
In 1967, at the age of twenty-four, Sanmao left Taiwan and traveled to an unfamiliar country - Spain. When I say strange, I don't really mean strange. This country has long been y imprinted in her heart because of Picasso. The great painter who once gave her soul a great shock, the man she wished she could grow up quickly to marry him.
To go to the University of Madrid, Spain, Arts and Philosophy College for further study, because of gambling, but also in order to heal the wound. Sanmao is a smart girl, since the relationship can not be retained, why not wave hands, away from the heartbreak, to start a new life? Goodbye Taiwan, goodbye Shu Fan, goodbye dear mom and dad, goodbye once laughter and tears. The clear sun, the blue sea, the beautiful Atlantic Ocean, the flavorful Spanish women, the exciting matador dance, oh, dear Spain - I'm here!
For leaping over the whole of Asia, arriving at the Atlantic coast of Spain, that super-literary and super-romantic country, Sanmao once said, "I've been wondering if I should go there to see it once, and then remove the pallor from the philosophy." Therefore, she chose philosophy, not simply to learn philosophy, but to remove the pallor of philosophy, to find the value and meaning of life, and to soothe her inner wounds.
When she first arrived in Spain, because she was rusty in Spanish, San Mao was almost a mute for three months. But she was gifted and diligent, and she worked so hard that she finally passed the language barrier after half a year of remedial work, and was able to visit and communicate freely and without hindrance. She wandered in the world of philosophy, simple, happy and peaceful. She wore two long pigtails, a clear and elegant art model girl, walking unrestrainedly in the bustling streets of Spain, walking through the gallery of art.
She loves going to cafes, dancing, listening to the opera, and being influenced by the locals to smoke. But her favorite place is the Prado.
Built in the 18th century, the Prado is considered one of the world's greatest museums and has the most comprehensive and authoritative collection of Spanish paintings and sculptures. Every day at noon, after taking other classes at the Faculty of Arts and Philosophy, Sanmao ran all the way back to the dormitory, and for the 3:00 p.m. art class, she always finished her lunch the fastest, slipped out of the school when the housemaster wasn't looking, and raced all the way to the Prado Museum to be the first student to arrive at the museum.
In that "happy, bubbly art museum," Sansao met the great painters Goya, Géricault, Velásquez, and Boschou, as well as many religious painters with whom Taiwan was unfamiliar. Later on, art classes became a kind of hideout, and she refused to go to the literature and history classes at school, but went to the art museum every day after leaving the dormitory. Escape from other classes, go to the art museum this "big classroom", listen to the white-haired showroom administrator one by one to explain those famous paintings, Sanmao's heart is very peaceful, not the slightest sense of guilt.
There is no denying that Sanmao's fervor for art and her talent for absorbing the essence of fine art is incomparable to that of ordinary people. Immersed in this kind of classroom, "close your eyes, which crease on the clothes of the characters in the painting is which kind of light and shadow can appear in your mind. It's more than that, too. These are the appearances, and after the appearances are clear, anything internal can be understood. That mind fit, certainly in that it was a happy classroom, but also really is considered to use the work, but also is considered to be a big gorgeous game".
That fervor, in the summer of 1969, San Mao took a German classmate's car through France on the way to West Germany has also been verified. In order to go to the romantic Paris, Sanmao was so thrifty that she abused herself: she only drank plain water and ate bread, walked instead of taking the car, and climbed stairs instead of taking the elevator. When she came to the Louvre exhausted and saw the huge portrait of Mona Lisa, she instantly felt a kind of soul-stirring beauty. "That stillness, beauty, depth, and spirituality is the center of the entire magnetic field of the universe." Although the day has not eaten, hungry and dizzy, Sanmao still can not help, again and again in line to see the portrait of the Mona Lisa. She saw all the "energy" in her body being sucked out, but she couldn't bear to leave. Her wallet is deflated, the material is scarce, but the eyes are full, the spirit is rich.
Because of her extreme sensitivity to beauty, Sanmao has been a lonely person all her life. In that gorgeous game, but also in the teenage years when you first saw a portrait of a young girl, white horse picture, Picasso album of stunning.
When San Mao left Taiwan, her parents pulled her hard at the airport. They were worried that this useless straw bag would not let people eat her when she went abroad. They repeatedly urged, let Sanmao remember the Chinese upbringing, in case of quarrel with people, absolutely do not sulk with people, to have a broad mind, to suffer is to take advantage of.
In the beginning, Sanmao did the same thing. Live in the "Academy" girls' dormitory, three hair and the three foreign girls in the same house peacefully, but, after a long time, three hair became a dormitory "handyman", she has to lay four people's beds, responsible for the whole dormitory hygiene, for them to collect clothes, The night open the door, ironing pants, nail polish, and even those beautiful clothes have become a public goods, randomly worn in other female students, long time not return.
San Mao endured half a year. She thought again and again: why do I have to give in to everything? Because we are Chinese. Why do I want to help people? Because that is a virtue. Why do I not protest? Because I am cultivated. Why do I favor so many things? Because I can. Why am I not angry with Mitsuru, who has fully complied with her parents' ritual of "a loss is a gain," and is always giving in? Because I am not at home.
Also do not know how to change. She thinks she has done nothing wrong, but she has completely lost her self-confidence.
Finally, a small thing, let the three hairs "original form".
One night, the girls in the dormitory stole the sweet wine of the Wang Massa, all crowded into the bed of the three hairs to drink, laughing and playing drunkenness. Sansao protested a few times are ineffective, the result was the dean caught in the middle. The dean saw the girls sitting on the bed of the three hairs and play, and could not help but swear at the three hairs with extremely difficult words, asking her to get out, but also said that the three hairs are selling birth control pills, and called her a scum.
Sansao was so shocked that she was about to faint, and hurriedly argued that it was not her but Betty who was selling birth control pills, but the dean simply ignored her, and said that she was playing a trick on her, and asked her to shut up.
The pain of being wrongly accused, as well as the anger that has accumulated for half a year, makes Sansao completely crazy. She copied the broom in the corridor and struck down at a group of classmates. She was hugged from behind and immediately turned around to give someone a slap, kicked a girl in front of her in the chest, and grabbed a large vase and threw it at the dean, splashing the dean with water from the vase. All the grievances were completely vented at this moment. She no longer wants to be a good person, with this gang of deceitful foreign devils, must use force to resist!
"War" after the three hairs neither apologize, nor repentance, cold treatment of this group of "bitch", the air in the dormitory stiff for a long time. The clothes she borrowed were returned to her, her bed was made, she was given an umbrella for the rain, she was given breakfast, and she deliberately played Peking Opera records in the dormitory, but no one dared to make a sound.
A month later, the dean invited Sanmao to the beautiful little living room, which had always been called a "forbidden place", and invited her to drink, eat snacks, and apologize to her. "Yellow Emperor vs Chi You" first round, three hairs won. Only, this way to achieve victory, inevitably some twisted. Educated people, in the society without the same education, but do not get respect. A savage person, instead, can establish prestige, really upside down ah!
"I am a man who is as free as the air and will never compromise when it comes to obstructing the freedom of my mind." Those blonde hair, blue-eyed fake foreign devils, hindering the freedom of the mind of the three hair, three hair chose to fight, even if the powerful dean is not an exception. This dark-haired, yellow-skinned Oriental girl won the respect and awe of others with her actions, clearing the way for a pleasant life of study abroad thereafter. This is what she earned by her own practical experience, and has nothing to do with her parents' education.
It seems that in Sanmao's bones, there has always been a flow of passionate blood that advocates freedom and is not willing to be humiliated. She believes that it is because the Chinese people are too relaxed national concept of humility, unintentionally condone outsiders. It is because we ourselves first did not resist the city, outsiders can drive into. She no longer think of the words of the parents urged, would rather be a wind white tiger, jumping streams golden-eyed beasts, in the foreign devils do not recognize the west wind, to be a true descendant of the Yellow Emperor.
The war was started again because of a blonde Icelandic woman.
In 1969, Sansao ended her studies at the Faculty of Arts and Philosophy of the University of Madrid, and applied to study at the Department of Philosophy of the Free University of Berlin in Germany.
At that time, because she needed to get a certificate of graduation from an advanced German class in one year in order to enter the Free University to study philosophy, she studied German at the Goethe-Institut. The noise made Sanmao's nerves weak and she couldn't read a word. After four weeks, she finally knocked on the door and was pushed out by a naked Icelandic woman.
"The evil dog bit me, I will never bite the dog back, but I can beat it with a stick." The next morning, Mitsuru missed two classes and went to the administration of the student dormitory to see the student advisor, a middle-aged lawyer. This advisor refused to deal with the matter, citing that he hadn't heard from any other students.
A week later, Sansao again broke down the counselor's door. This time, she brought a tape.
The matter was resolved so smoothly that a week later, the fangirl quietly moved out.
Sansao is different from the other Taiwanese students in the eyes of the advisor, those students are "gentle, good grades, quiet, careful", and even a male student with a girlfriend in the same room to live together for three months did not go to the protest, the advisor knew that he called him and asked him, and he smiled and said, "It does not matter, it does not matter.
Mitsuru heard the adviser such words, the heart is painful. Hate that shameless foreigners. Also hate their own kind compatriots.
In her opinion, the compatriots so-called no principle to live with people peacefully, is cowardice.
There is also the case of Sanmao can not afford to mess with and hide.
It was the summer of 1971, when Sanmao went to the University of Illinois at Chicago to major in ceramics, and shared a wooden bungalow with two American freshman girls. The two American girls and a group of male and female friends in the room point of Indian incense, all naked hugging sleep, although not noisy, but San Mao is a very decent person, she could not accept their "emptiness", for the sake of cleanliness, she lived for a month on the move, moved to a small student dormitory.
The girl who lives in the room opposite Sanmao is a diligent student who is studying for a master's degree in education. Every night, Sanmao read, she typed, crackling until two o'clock at night. Because she appreciated her diligence, so, although her typing affects his reading, Sanmao is not at all on the mind. Only after she stopped, quietly read for a while, and then go to sleep.
One night, San Mao was reading, the girl came over and knocked on the door, said meanly: "You do not sleep, I want to sleep, the light coming out of the piece of woolen glass above your door, called me insomnia all night. You don't know shame, do you need someone to tell you to understand? Huh?"
Looking at her beautiful and stiff face, Mitsuru sighed: "You are not also typing noisy me?"
"But I'm typing now, and your lights don't go out."
"Then it's just as well, I won't turn out the lights so you can keep typing." After saying that, Mitsuru gently closed the door in front of her face, from then on to cut her off.
There is no need to explain. The first thing you need to do is to get a good understanding of how to use the Internet and how to use the Internet in a way that is not inappropriate.
Once there was a chance to inherit a huge amount of heritage in front of the three hairs, but she did not pick up a pair of American couples, very much like the three hairs, treat her as if she were their own, often in the weekend fake suffer. Because of the dignity of being a human being.
Day drive to pick her up to go everywhere for a drive. The couple is very rich, in the hillside has a stunningly beautiful big house, but also in the town opened a ready-made wholesale clothing store.
On Thanksgiving Day, Mitsuru is invited to dinner by the couple. During dinner, the wife announced to Sanmao that she was determined to adopt her as her daughter, and said that when they passed away in the future, all the inheritance would be Sanmao's. They also asked Sanmao to stay with them for the rest of her life. They also asked Sanshou to live with them for the rest of her life and not to get married, fearing that if Sanshou got married and left, their property would fall into the hands of a foundation.
The three hairs were so angry that their stomachs ached. They "announced" their decision to adopt directly to Sanmao, instead of respecting her and asking for her opinion. The fact is that they were so cold and selfish that they interfered with the happiness of Sanmao's life for their own benefit, and exchanged their inheritance for a girl's youth. Such an ugly face of the rich, and then elegant appearance can not be covered.
That dusk, a thin snowy rain. San Mao wore a coat and walked aimlessly on campus. Think of the warmth of home, think of the kind and friendly mom and dad, and then think of their own wandering in the past few years all kinds of encounters, no success in school, financial constraints, all around the bullying, can not help but feel sad, freezing cold.
Of course, outside of these sad stories, there will be a trace of warmth. That warmth, is the first sight of the stunning, is not called the name of the joy, is remembered in this life, can not be solved, can not say, can not understand the mystery and pain.
Still in 1969, San Mao in West Berlin, Goethe-Institut. The three hairs with at least ten hours a day nailed to the table, classes and night reading a total of *** sixteen or seventeen hours of perseverance, to get the best students of the primary class completion list. "Tuition at the Goethe-Institut was very expensive, and the cost of living in Germany was much higher than in Spain. In order to save money, she didn't relax for a moment, and despite her physical exhaustion, she refused the teacher's suggestion to "take a three-month break" and continued to the intermediate class. In a 1,000-word newspaper dictation test on editorials, Sanshou misspelled forty-four words in one sitting. SANMAO has always been unwilling to be left behind, from refusing to take second place in class, every class and homework must get full marks, in order to alleviate the cost of studying abroad to their father's ambulance work to earn money for their own when she took that heartbreaking test paper, to find the German boyfriend at the time. The boy apologized.
Not only did he not comfort, but he also chided Sanmao. On the verge, he said, "In the future, you are going to be a diplomat's wife, your German like this, enough to send what use? You can't even write." Hearing this, Sanmao picked up her books, turned around and walked out of the room. That German boyfriend was indeed very good, and was determined to enter the Foreign Ministry in the future. In fact, he later became an ambassador. However, it was that smug and cold words that made San Mao's already cold heart even colder. You know, she flew to Germany for his sake, and studied German for him, but in the end, she got such a comment. In addition to reading, the nerdy boyfriend did not have her in mind at all, and did not respect her independent personality as a woman at all.
At that time, not only did the German language study hard to nearly collapse, the economy is even more poor, and refused to open up to their parents to ask for money, nineteen degrees below zero, but also did not have the money to buy a pair of boots, the bottom of the shoes through a big hole, out of the house, had to wear two layers of socks, wrapped in a layer of plastic bags, and then wrapped in a layer of plastic bags on the outside of the shoes, a layer of rubber bands to prevent slipping. In this way, or can not prevent snow water, feet or frostbite.
It was the winter of 1969, December 2nd. Sanmao only eat cookies and black bread soup every day, trying hard but bad grades, and by the German boyfriend's reproach, finally can not help, alone, in the evening when repairing the soles of the shoes, painfully cry a lot. The reason for this is that the pressure and loneliness of being a big kid has reached the limit of that age.
The next day, Sanmao was tired of crying and slept through the night. She stood blankly under the station sign, one by one, the car passed, but did not get on the car.
Skip school! Die! Mitsuru with her passport and only twenty dollars on her body, the book to the bushes and snowdrifts, and got on the underground train to the East Berlin fence, you can apply to go in, to get a visa for East Germany.
In order to enter and exit East Berlin, you need to verify your passport, and the officers at the gate rejected the application for a passport from the Republic of China (ROC) in Taiwan, which Sanmao held. A GDR officer stepped in and helped her get a temporary pass. The officer also took out change to help her pay for a snapshot of the money: a **** shot three, two for the license, the other one, he was carefully put into the intimate inner pocket.
Three hairs look in the eyes, the heart has a small vibration. Feel that this officer is not only handsome, but also, his eyes are so deep, calling people to have a moment to have fallen into the water powerless and sad.
The officer has not avoided suspicion to accompany the three hairs in line, step by step to move. Time is very slow, but can not afford to give up that queue to move fast. To goodbye, the officer suddenly said, "You're beautiful!" There was some sadness in each other's hearts.
When returning to West Berlin from East Berlin that day, Sanno was in trouble again. When leaving the gate, Sanmao met the officer again. This time, he waited for her and sent her to the car.
The carriages sped by one by one, Sanmao did not get on the car, the officer also refused to leave. In the cold station, the two people forgot the time, just standing, stiff, shivering. The wind blew the long hair of the three hair, the officer reached out his hand for her to brush away, the two people's eyes intertwined, three hair saw the deep well inside, flashing is the sky has not seen a kind of star.
"Anyway, don't want to live, don't want to live, don't want to live, don't want to live ......" The last train, must go. The officer pushed the three hairs a hand, three hairs this wildly screamed: "You come with me!"
"No way, I have parents, get on!"
"I'll stay a day stay a day! Please, I'll stay one day!" Mitsuru reached for his sleeve, but was still taken away by the car. The pain and emptiness in the bottom of the heart, until the train turned the corner, is still like a machete, has been cut, has been cut non-stop.
That night, Sanmao returned to the dormitory, all of a sudden fell ill. It is exhaustion, but also the pain and suffering of longing. Until after three days of high fever was found to be sent to the hospital. Burning head in pain, the heart is shouting, shouting a person without a name.
That was a fated divine encounter. The first time I saw this, I was in the middle of the night, and I was in the middle of the night, I was in the middle of the night.
In that sleepy and cold night, the encounter with the handsome East German officer, there is like a beautiful myth, true to almost nothing. Heart to heart, without words, only a gentle night ah, only wish time to stay in that moment, so that my tired feet in the eyes of that off, it has been clear.
The mouth stops to stay. I wish to die in that deep well, never wake up again.