Growing up and separating comes along with it. I've said this many times in my articles, and I've cited the phenomenon of cells separating and differentiating into organs and tissues as an example of how an individual grows up from a biological point of view.
The same thing happens with human growth, one also needs to separate from the family of origin, from the parents, and for the parents, the growth of the child is when he finally becomes himself and has a life that alienates him.
For the parents, it means that I saw you go away, you spread your wings, you have your own world, your own life, and I am happy about it, and don't worry about me, I have my own wonderful life.
But from a psychological point of view, for some families of origin, for some parents, the departure of the child will make them feel some kind of "betrayal", of course, this "betrayal" is in quotes, and does not involve the moral dimension. The discussion today is limited to psychology.
Especially when it comes to the family of origin and the relationship with the parents, the feeling of "betrayal" is even more intense. "
This is the reason why I was asked to analyze this problem today, because from the very beginning, it is not possible to make a decision about what to do.
Because from the perspective of psychoanalytic psychology, for many people, the relationship between a person and his family of origin will become a lifelong tie, a person grows up how to establish relationships with others, how to do things, are closely related to his family of origin.
For example, the following case in the psychological counseling:
The visitor Xiaoning (a pseudonym), very young, obedient, understanding, from childhood, no matter what to do is to listen to their parents' arrangements, so, Xiaoning became the eyes of his parents to understand the good children, the year of high school, according to his mother's idea, went to a local university.
But in the university, he was depressed, he could not adapt to the relationship with his classmates, he could not study and live normally, so he had to take a break from his studies and return home to his parents. From this, it seems that he did not have the ability to separate himself from his family of origin, and that his upbringing was a failure.
Psychoanalytic psychologists often say that a child's growth is accompanied by a "betrayal" of the family of origin, such as when the child develops his or her own ideas, opinions, and makes choices different from those of the parents, and becomes his or her own person.
For some parents, this will feel that the child is growing up, this is his own ideas, this is a good thing, but for some parents, he will feel that the child is not filial, this is a "wasted".
But let's imagine if a child grows up without his own ideas, just listening to others, what will happen to him when he enters society?
He may not be able to adapt to the society, he may suppress himself and become psychologically unhealthy, just like the case of Xiaoning, who is already unable to study and live normally in the university, and if he doesn't change, the result will be even worse when he enters the society in the future.
Live your life so that you are able to love others, a phrase that I have often spoken about in this column, "Live Yourself Psychology 100 Lectures".
This is also the centerpiece of our column, and I often say that a person can't give others what he or she doesn't have, and that if you want to love others and give them nourishing love, then your heart must be rich and healthy.
What kind of person is rich and healthy?
Those who were allowed to be themselves at a young age, those who were encouraged by their parents to be themselves at a young age, so they don't feel like they're betraying their parents when they make choices that are different.
For example, a friend of mine, whose parents are both teachers, was encouraged to develop his own hobbies from a very young age, and never interfered with what he wanted to study in college, what city he wanted to go to school in, and what kind of friends he wanted to choose.
Although he is the only child in their family, he and his parents do not live together, he has his own career and life, and his parents? also have their own wonderful retirement life, the mother dancing square dance, father and the old man and practice calligraphy, chess, both live a wonderful life.
This friend of mine also dares to love and hate the people around him, dares to reject others, and is very open when he gives, not expecting others how to return to himself, which is actually what we have said, there is no sense of giving, because his heart is rich, and his psyche is healthy.
He is also excellent at his job, making choices in a clear-cut manner, never dragging his feet, hesitation, and the need to take responsibility is also the courage to go forward, dare to take responsibility.
These glimmers of his character came from being allowed and encouraged as a child, from his parents allowing him to be himself, to live his own life, and from his parents supporting him.
Psychoanalytic psychology is right when it says that if the parents themselves are "weak", then the child will not dare to leave them to pursue his own fulfillment, or he will feel guilty and uneasy.
My friend, who I mentioned above, has parents who have their own lives, and they are wonderful, so my friend can go after his own wonderful life with confidence and boldness. Well, the above is what we have discussed today, and we will briefly summarize it below.
Growing up is about "betraying" one's family of origin and living out one's own life:
1. From a psychological point of view, one's relationship with one's family of origin affects one's whole life, and if that affect is negative, it will hold him back and make him walk away from it.
2, those children who are too obedient and understanding when they are young, often repress their emotions and needs, they are good children in the eyes of their parents, but when they come to society, they will have no opinion, will not be able to choose, it is difficult to adapt to society.
3. So parents should encourage and support their children to "betray" themselves when they are young, and allow them to be themselves, so that they can live out their own wonderful lives, rather than end up becoming like themselves.
Well, that's all we've discussed today, and it's one of our 100 Psychology Lessons on Living Your Own Life, and for more on the family of origin, check out the previous sections of this column, and I'll see you in the next section!