"We were six years apart in age and had very different personalities and stuff, but got along very well." Naoko said, "Not a single fight, really. Of course, there are reasons such as the level difference, which is so big that you can't fight."
Naoko went on to say:
"My sister is the type that comes first in everything she's told to do. First in studies, first in sports, prestigious and a leader. She has a warm and cheerful personality, and is very popular among boys and teachers, and has won a hundred awards. Every public school had one or two girls like that. But it's not because she's my own sister that I say that, my sister is not someone who thinks she's great when she's favored by others or who puts on a nonchalant face, she doesn't like to make a spectacle of herself, she's just naturally the best at whatever she does.
"So much for being determined to be a cute girl since I was a kid." Naoko said as she twirled her dogwood spikes back and forth, "The reason is simple, because I grew up hearing people around me praise my sister for her good head, her sportsmanship, and her popularity. I don't think I can catch up with my sister no matter how hard I try. I was a bit prettier in terms of looks, and my parents seemed to want me to grow up in their love, so they sent me to a school like that from the moment I started elementary school: velvet dresses, short lace blouses, patent leather shoes, and piano and ballet lessons. But that's why my sister loved me so much, so much, as if I were her little sister. She bought me all sorts of little things, took me to all sorts of places, taught me how to study hard, and even took me on dates with my boyfriend. She's really a wonderful older sister."
"As for why she killed herself, no one can figure out why, it was the same as Kizuki's, exactly the same. Age 17 as well, no signs of suicide until the incident, no suicide note - same, right?"
"Rather." I said.
"Everyone said the kid was overly smart and had read too many books. But yes, he did keep his hands on books, and had a big pile of them. I read a lot of them after my sister's death, and my heart was sad. In the book, there are words written by her, with specimen flowers, and there is also a letter from her boyfriend. I cried several times over it."
Naoko paused for a moment, twirling the dogwood spike in silence.
"Pretty much handled everything single-handedly on my own, hardly ever consulting anyone or asking for help. It's not because of any particular self-esteem, but it's just that I take it for granted, I guess. My parents were used to it and said that it didn't matter if the kid did nothing. I often asked my sister for advice, and she was very enthusiastic about teaching me this and that, but she didn't ask anyone for advice and solved everything by herself. She doesn't lose her temper or get upset. I'm not exaggerating. I'm not exaggerating. Women, for example, when they have their periods, are not so irritable that they get angry at others, more or less. My sister didn't even have that. In her case, it was depression instead of unhappiness. Often it comes once in two or three months, and for two or three days at a time the door is open to sleep in one's room. School does not go, and things are scarcely eaten. Lights the room dimly and does nothing but stare, but not unhappily. As soon as I came back from school, she called me into her room, sat me down next to her, and asked me what I had done that day. It wasn't really a big deal, just what games I played with my classmates, what the teacher said, how I did on the tests, and so on. My sister listened attentively, talked about her feelings, and made suggestions. But if I wasn't there - for example, if I went to play with a friend or out to ballet practice - she continued to be alone. As soon as those two or three days were over, she was back to her usual self and went off to school in a blaze of glory. This situation, well - it seemed to go on for four years. In the beginning, the parents were uneasy about it, and probably went to the doctor about it. But didn't she get well enough once two or three days had passed, so the parents then assumed that she would get well naturally anyway, regardless, and said that she was a bright and stalwart child."
"But after my sister died, I overheard my parents talking. The talk was about the long dead father's brother. They said that the man had a good head on his shoulders, too, and had been cooped up in the house for four years between the ages of seventeen and twenty-one, when one day he suddenly said he wanted to go out and jumped into the tram tracks and was crushed to death. That's why my father said, 'It's still a blood relation, I guess, in my area.'"
Naoko said as she pinched off the dogwood spikes with her fingertips a little, scattering them in the wind and blowing them away. Once it was all pinched off, the stalk was wrapped around her finger in a circle like a thin rope.
"I was the one who found my sister dead." Naoko continued, "In the fall of her sixth year of elementary school, in November, it was raining and cloudy all day. My sister was a junior in high school at the time. It was 6:30 when I came home from piano practice, and my mother was preparing dinner and told me to call my sister for dinner. I ran up to the second floor, knocked on the door of my sister's room, and called out for dinner. However, there was no answer, it was quiet. I felt a little strange, so I knocked again and opened the door. Originally, I thought she was asleep, but I did not expect my sister did not sleep, standing in front of the window, neck slightly crooked, motionless looking out the window, as if thinking about something. The room was dim, the lights were not on, everything looked hazy. I greeted her, saying, 'What are you doing? But after I finished, I realized that she was taller than usual. I was a bit puzzled: what's going on? Was she wearing high heels, or had she stomped on some platform? I then went to the front of the heel, and just when I was about to speak, my heart gave a jolt: it turned out that there was a rope around my neck. The rope hung straight down from the ceiling beam - it was really straight, horribly straight, almost like a line struck 'taut' in space with an inkwell. My sister wore a short white smock - the very same casual one I'm wearing now, by the way - and a gray skirt underneath. Her toes were stretched out tautly like a ballet, and there was about 20 centimeters of unobstructed space between the ground and her toes. I could see the situation really well. And then there was the face. I saw the face, too, and I couldn't not see it. I thought to myself that I had to hurry down and tell my mother, that I had to shout, but my body was not listening to me, and I was acting on my own, away from my conscious mind. My consciousness wanted to go down quickly, but my body wanted to take the liberty of untying my sister's body from the rope. Of course, this was not something a small child could do, and so froze for five or six minutes, in a state of weakness, not understanding anything anymore, as if something in my body had frozen. I didn't move a muscle there, and didn't move until my mother came to see what was going on, with my sister, in that dark, cold place ......"
Naoko shook her head:
"For three days after that I didn't say a word , like I was dead in bed, just my eyes were open and fixed, as if I was unconscious." Naoko leaned her body against my arm, "It's in the letter, isn't it? I'm a much more dysfunctional person than you think. I've been sick for a lot longer than you think, and my roots are much deeper. So, if you can move forward, I hope you'll just move forward alone, and not wait for me. Sleep with other girls if you want to. Don't think about me and worry about me, and feel free to do whatever you like. Otherwise, I might drag you down. I, no matter what happens, this is something I definitely don't want to do. I don't want to delay your life or anyone else's. I have already said just now that as long as you come to see me from time to time and remember me always - that is all I wish."