1. The most hanging jokes ever
One morning, I got up, I felt particularly sad and painful, so I told a joke to my classmate.
Who knows, he listened to the laughter on the ground rolled 108 rolls, no longer straight back, we had to send him to the hospital.
The doctor asked what happened and I told him the joke. He laughed so hard he burst an alveolus and died.
The hospital charged me with murder, and in court, the judge said to me seriously, "You must tell us honestly and seriously how
this happened, and why you murdered the doctor, did you know him?
I said no, I just told him a joke. The judge said sternly this is a court of law and you don't joke! I said I am not
joking. The judge said I don't believe it and asked you to tell us the joke. I said no, unless everyone in the courtroom signs a death warrant with me,
I won't be blamed for the death of the joke. The judge got angry and said, "Don't be ridiculous, we're not children! I said I can't talk about it. The judge said well
, if we died laughing it's absolutely none of your business, and found you not guilty, right? I said you have to write down everything you just said
. The judge said yes, yes, yes, damn it, you tell me!
So I told the joke again.
The result was five deaths and more than 20 injuries.
The court found me not guilty, but the families of the victims wouldn't let up and assassinated me so often that I had no place to hide and I had to be very careful on the Internet.
Finally, I went to the beach and hid myself. In the end, I went to the beach and hid myself, except for sometimes surfing the Internet, just lying on the reefs to rest.
There's only one line to this joke:
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I believe in love
2. A long, long time ago ```````
It was a long, long time ago ````
3. Don't put a light bulb in your mouth
In the UK, light bulbs come in wrappers with a warning - do not put that object into your mouth. meaning do not put the bulb in your mouth.
What kind of person would put that into an import? The Brits are some fools...
For your information, there are no absolutes!
The other day I was watching TV at home with an Indian friend, and I talked to him about this, and he told me that their elementary school textbook also said that the light bulb would get stuck after it was put in the mouth, and that no matter what, it wouldn't come out, and he was very sure that the book said that...
But I am very skeptical, I think the surface of the bulb is very slippery, if you can put it in the mouth, it proves that the mouth is big enough to let it go in and out, and theoretically you can get it out. But this Indian idiot just says that the book says so... Then it must be correct...
I was angry with him for not asking for more, I said he was stupid, he said I don't know English and don't read books... We then argued...
I went home with a bellyful of fire, picked up an ordinary-sized light bulb on the bed left and right, always thought I was not wrong, thinking of the ignorance of this Indian friend, but also in the spirit of scientists - bold assumptions, careful to seek proof. I decided to confirm him to see. Of course, I took safety measures... Bought a sprig of vegetable oil and went home. If the card soil is held then put, I do not believe that the slip can not come out!
All set, without saying a word, put the bulb into the mouth... It took less than a second for it to slide into the mouth, and it was easy... It's easy to get it out.
The Indian idiot thought, "Look at the wisdom and courage of the Chinese! Unlike you nerds... Thinking of China's victory over India... Laughed from the bottom of my heart... I'm not going to be able to do that!
So I easily pulled the bulb ......................
Good! I'll give it a little push .....................
OK. I open my mouth a little wider .........................
No fear, I'll open my mouth as wide as I can and make a little more effort (be very careful pulling the light) ........................
It's really stuck inside .........................
The good thing is that there are still branches of vegetable oil .........................
(30 minutes later) I poured 3/4 of the oil, half of it into my stomach, and the bulb still won't move ........................
Then I had to call for help ......................
Just as I was in the middle of pressing the button, I remembered I had a light bulb in my mouth ................... How can I talk?
Now I had to ask my neighbor for help, I wrote a note and went to the old woman next door. As soon as she saw me she screamed for help ....................
I immediately showed her my note: please call me a taxi and tell the driver to take me hospital.
She read it for about 1.75 minutes and then laughed loudly and maniacally ..........................
Fifteen minutes later, the cab came. The driver laughed once he saw me (actually he never stopped).
He cab kept asking me why I did it... (...... How did I answer him?) And kept saying that my mouth was too small and if it was his mouth it would be fine...
I look at his mouth and it's really big... But I wanted to tell him so badly not to try it anyway... Too bad I couldn't open my mouth!
I look in his rearview mirror and it looks like I'm holding a goldfish...
At the hospital, I was scolded by the nurses for over 10 minutes for wasting their time. And wanted me to stand in a very long line... I was in the crowd for 2.5 hours ... .2.5 hours...
Those who were in a lot of pain seemed to stop hurting when they saw me... Everyone laughed out loud...
I feel like I'm still of some use...
The doctor put cotton in the sides of my mouth and broke the bulb... Taking it out piece by piece... My mouth swelled up big time... Finally he told me not to try it next time and to tell others about my experience...
I told him I would never do it again.
When I left the hospital I was thinking that there must not be any more idiotic creatures like me on this planet.
As I opened the door to leave, I was greeted by a man, the cab driver from earlier.
...........................
...........................
He had a light bulb in his mouth.
★Two bananas on a walk on a hot summer day...
One walks in front, one walks behind ....
Walking...
The banana in front said, "It's hot~" and took off his clothes. .....
Cold or not cold ah,hahahahaha, I think the most interesting it ~~~~~
Super disgusting jokes can also be it
Vomit
Boss, the oldest two to take the plane, the oldest airsickness, non-stop vomiting. One bag was full of vomit, so the boss had to go get the bag,
When he came back, he found that the whole airplane was vomiting. When the boss asked him why, he said, "I saw that
this bag was full too, so I drank half of it, and they all threw up."
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Begging
This day, the hotel owner was making his rounds in the lobby. Came a beggar went up and said, " Boss give a toothpick okay?"
The boss gave him a sent away. A moment later, another beggar, also came to ask for toothpicks. The boss thought now this
Beggars how do not want to rice to change the toothpick? Also gave him a similarly sent away, not more old, and came to a beggar.
The boss said to him: "You also come to ask for toothpicks?" The beggar said: "There is a person vomited, but I was a step late,
has been in front of the two beggars to eat all the food, and now there is only soup left. Can you give me a straw?"
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Stomach Turning
Some people really like the dish "Spicy Vermicelli Casserole". Once, he went to a restaurant and ordered this dish again. But the waiter told him that the dish was sold out. "Is it really sold out?" He asked disappointedly
. "Sir, it's really sold out. You see, the last serving was sold to the gentleman at that table." The waiter replied back
. The man followed the waiter's directions and saw a very decent gentleman sitting at the neighboring table. The gentleman's meal
was almost finished, but the "Spicy Vermicelli Casserole" was still full. The man thought
the gentleman was wasting his food, so he walked up to the gentleman, pointed to the "Spicy Vermicelli Casserole", and asked politely, "Sir, do you want more?" The gentleman shook his head in a genteel manner. So the man sat down immediately
and picked up the spoon and wolfed it down.
After a few moments of eating half of it, he suddenly realized that at the bottom of the casserole lay a very
small, but fully furred mouse. In a fit of nausea, the man spat
all the vermicelli he had eaten back into the casserole. While he was there, turning his stomach, the gentleman looked at him sympathetically and said,
"That's disgusting, isn't it? So was I just now ......"
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Chocolate
A man went to take a friend to visit his grandmother.
While he was talking to his grandmother, his friend started to eat the peanuts that were placed on the coffee table
and ate them all.
When they left, his friend said to his grandmother,
"Thank you for the peanuts."
The grandmother responded, "Wow! Hmmm! LOL!
Since I've lost all my teeth, all I can do is suck off their outer layer of chocolate. Getting old, ahem 。。。。
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Drinking phlegm
The oldest and the youngest went to the theater and saw that halfway through the play the two were arguing over the plot development and made a bet about it.
The oldest pointed to a row of spittoons set up in front and said, "The loser has to take a sip of what's in there."
Unfortunately, the boss lost, so the boss frowned and took a sip.
The two proceeded to bet on the next episode, and this time, the second lost.
The second man picked up a spittoon and gulped down fifteen mouthfuls of it.
The oldest was shocked and impressed, and said to the oldest "You're amazing, you can drink fifteen gulps in a row!"
The second shook his head, "It's not that I wanted to drink, the phlegm in that spittoon was so thick I couldn't bite through it!"
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I am principled
Two beggars wandered the streets on a cold winter day.
"I'm so hungry, I feel like I could eat a cow right now!" , said Beggar A.
"I am also, simply starving me, if the two of us in front of this pole can be eaten, I can definitely eat from the root to the top." Beggar B is not willing to show weakness.
The two people passed a tavern, I do not know which person in the tavern drink too much, perhaps the wind blew the cold stomach, in front of the tavern left a mess of vomit, the two beggars at this mess of vomit.
"Honestly, I really want to eat this puddle of vomit." Beggar A said dully.
"I'm starving too, except this is someone else's vomit ah, it's disgusting." Beggar B was a little embarrassed.
"I don't care, you eat or not?" Beggar A asked.
"Too disgusting, do not eat, when the beggar should also have a degree!" , beggar B big righteousness.
"I can eat alone?" , said, beggar A bent over and began to eat vomit.
After a while, Beggar A finished eating, and the two of them continued to slink forward.
Maybe it is the cause of the winter, the stall vomit is too cold, beggar A after eating stomach seems a little bit unable to eat, but he is still strong, but after all, it is the vomit, beggar A thought of it, or can not help but feel a little nausea; and beggar B is more hungry, but also a little bit regretful look.
After a while, beggar A really can not help it, "wow ...... wow ......", beggar A also spit.
Then, beggar B but quickly bent down and began to eat beggar A's vomit.
"Hey, hey, you are not too disgusting? How do you also eat vomit?" , Beggar A asked in disbelief.
"Idiot, I have principles, I only eat hot and warm, besides, isn't this stall more than the one just now?" ,
Beggar B said without lifting his head.
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Oatmeal
Waking up in the morning, the younger brother saw a bottle on the table, which contains "oatmeal", so he ate him as breakfast, when the older brother returned from the morning exercise, washing and combing, sitting at the table pedicure. finished, sitting at the table to repair the feet, suddenly asked the brother, you have not seen me on the table bottle, where I saved the skin of the feet ......
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count your luck
Once when you go shopping, you suddenly feel a pain in the stomach. Suddenly felt a stomach ache, so walked into the corner of the 199 eat to satiety hot pot restaurant, want to say borrow a toilet to use, but the side looking all over the first floor is not to find, so I ran to the second floor to go, the second floor is still under renovation of the empty nothing, but found a toilet door labeled "fault to be repaired, do not use," I was really I can't help it, regardless of his three seven twenty-one, anyway, no one around, took off his pants towards the toilet squatting down, thunderbolt ...... so cool! The first time I've seen this, I've seen it in my life!
After it was over, I went downstairs and found it empty. It was strange, it was dinner time and the downstairs was full of people, so how come it was empty all of a sudden? Why is there no one there?"
At this point, a male waiter came out from under the bar,
and said, "Fuck! ...... weren't you there when the shit just fell from the ceiling and hit the fan?
You're lucky .....
There was a trapped child was crossing the road, the result was accidentally crushed by a truck flat, he was dying when he looked at his body, he said, "So I'm stuffed with bean paste, not meat"
The little penguin asked his grandma one day, "Grandma grandma, I am not a penguin?" "Yes, of course you are a penguin." The little penguin then asked his dad, "Daddy daddy, am I a penguin?" "Yes, you are a penguin. What's wrong?" "But, but why do I feel so cold?"
A polar bear stayed alone on the ice to daze, really bored, began to pull their own hair to play, a ...... two ...... three ...... last plucked one not left, he suddenly shouted ............ so cold! ..................
One day Spaghetti A and Spaghetti B went on an outing
Suddenly a gust of wind blew
Spaghetti A fell into the sea
Spaghetti B fell into the sea
Spaghetti B pointed at Spaghetti A and laughed
Wahahahahahaha~Soup Noodles
Why do you need two spoons of salt on a basketball board? (Because it's hard to get in with one salt.)
A meat bun walks down the road, gets hungry while walking, and eats himself.
Small White is very much like his brother, know why?
Because: really like the big white
Duck and crab race, together to reach the finish line, difficult to distinguish between winners and losers, the referee said: you come to a rock-paper-scissors it! Duck anger: Damn, count me? I'm a cloth, he always scissors!
A polar bear stayed alone on the ice, really boring to start pulling their own hair to play, a ...... two ...... three ...... last plucked one left, he suddenly shouted ............ so cold! ..................
Know what color Spiderman is?
Red, wrong!
It's white.
If you don't believe me, read Spider-Man's English: spider man (the man who is white)
What is the most common phrase spoken by people in this world?
Think about it
Can't think of one
Tell you what
It's: I don't know!
An egg goes to a teahouse for tea, and it turns into a tea egg
There's an apple
Walking down the road
Suddenly
He realizes he's moldy
One day...
Ming was walking down the road...
and ended up... Tripped over a rock !!!!!!
Hahahahahahahaha
There was a man whose name was Locomotive, and the next day, he got ridden away.
There was a man who looked like a sweet potato, walked and fell
There was a man who looked like an onion, walked and cried
Once upon a time, there was a man named Choy.
The result...
And he was served!
One day when Big Grape and Little Grape were walking along the road, Big Grape suddenly said to Little Grape:Can I press you? The little grape said: "Sure! As a result, the little grape was crushed to death.
One day. There was a fudge walking down the street for a long time. He said. Ah. My legs are so weak ........
One day Green Bean committed suicide by jumping from the 5th floor. He bled a lot. Turned into a red bean. It kept on bleeding. Turned into a yellow bean. The wound scarred. Finally, it became a black bean.
One hot summer day, two bananas were walking along the road.
The banana in front of them suddenly felt hot and said, "It's so hot, I'll take off my clothes".
The banana in front of him felt hot, and he said, "It's hot, I'll take my clothes off.
The banana behind him fell down.
One day. Zero and Eight were walking down the street. They met face to face. Zero said to the eight fat on the fat also girdle
A monk likes to drink, but afraid of being discovered by others secretly hidden under the bed, one day will come to find that the wine is all gone, it will be three disciples to call, but love in the purity of the rules and regulations can not be asked directly who stole their own wine, asked his three disciples: good "wine" is missing (long time no see), the first disciple: the first disciple: "wine" is missing (long time no see), the first disciple: "wine" is missing (long time no see), the first disciple: "wine" is missing (long time no see). Long time no see), the first disciple said: "I did not steal drink" (Amitabha Buddha), the second disciple said: "I drink four cups" (I Buddha compassion), the last disciple because the wine is not yet over the strength of the last disciple boldly said:" sin, sin". Sin, sin" (Drunk, drunk)
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When I'm happy /(^_^)\;
When I'm angry /(@_@)\;
When I'm sad /(T_T)\;
When I'm confused/(*_*)\;
HO HO~~
A silly person too~~ But very true!
What do you want to do on Christmas Eve? Do you want to get rich? Want to make peach blossom luck? Want to be an official? Do you want to be famous overnight? Do you want to stay young forever? Do you want the whole world to be crazy about you? -------- Don't think blindly, wash your feet and go to sleep!
On this beautiful Christmas Eve, the Lord said he could grant me a wish, and I took out the globe and said I wanted world peace! The Lord said it was too hard! I took out your picture and said make this one beautiful! The Lord was sweating and said bring me the globe and I'll look at it again!
Christmas Eve, it was raining, wet, and the mood was so wet ...... You just stared out the grimy window, obsessively watching. I came over and gently said to you, "Wangcai, go inside, Santa Claus will not send bones."
Did you have a good Christmas Eve? Tell you oh, I changed jobs now in the bank work, is not far from you that, have time to come to find me put, to the bank yell my name, I will know. That's right! I've changed my name, it's too vulgar! I'm now called Qiangjie.
On behalf of the Central Government of China, the State Council, the National People's Congress, the Central Military Commission, and the Hong Kong, Macao and Taiwan Affairs Office of the State Council, I would like to lodge the strongest protest against you: why is there no Taiwan on the map of China that you left behind after peeing in your bed on Christmas Eve!
Your happiness, I come to the building; your confusion, I come to make up for; your greed, I come to meet; your capriciousness, I come to give in; love and care for you, non-me, who let me is a professional pig farmer.
Buddy, Christmas Eve, you have to treat me to dinner, if you do not meet my requirements, I want to write your cell phone number on the wall, in front of the addition of two words - to do the license
Heard that you have been abducted and sold, really scared me, although you have been demented from a young age, but harmless to the community, and who is so bold as to dare to take you for sale, I am really worried about him, sell it off.
We are not sure if you are going to be able to get away with this!
Doing bad things is called bad eggs, empty head is called stupid eggs, fired squid is called out, cursing is called asshole, whimpering is called finished, gnawing on the bones of the go eat chicken white phoenix eggs, is reading the text message of a happy Christmas!
Bird flu did not scare you down, chicken plague more did not wear out your spirit for the continuation of the family and work hard, to see you again determined to go into the maternity ward, I silently bless you: happy egg!
Wanted: An old man with a white beard and red robes often sneaks into residents' homes at night to place items that will make people happy, and those who find them should report to the police as soon as possible! You will receive lifelong happiness as a reward.
The fluttering snowflakes used to be the bookmarks of my beautiful memories, dancing under the colorful Christmas tree in the moonlight used to be my lovely dream, and on this special day, let me wish you a Merry Christmas with my heartfelt greetings!
From the South Pole to the North Pole, heartfelt blessings to you! Santa Claus from the North Pole specially invites the Antarctic immortal longevity star old **** with wishing you and your family: blessed as the East China Sea, laugh at life, live long and rich, and receive many great gifts!
I want the sunshine to warm you, decorate you with starlight, intoxicate you with wine, satisfy you with food, splendor you with fireworks, and flood you with happiness, but I don't do God for a long time, and I can only wish you a Merry Christmas by SMS!
Mr. Claus is too fat! The elk can't carry him! The sleigh won't fit! So I volunteered, I will take his place to distribute blessings, may my friend all the best! Merry Christmas! ^_^ Sending you full of blessings!
For the sake of your comfortable and pleasant Christmas travel, please text back your height, weight and circumference - I wished to Santa Claus to make you my Christmas gift, but he told me to prepare a stocking of the right size first!
A touch of love is worth a thousand pieces of gold, a touch of warmth can withstand ten thousand miles of frost, a greeting to send warmth and sweetness, a text message to send me a million hearts: Merry Christmas!
Christmas "old" people to, people in the "friends" to the highest, cherish the "friends" love affair, smile "wishing "Peace", "you" are welcome to visit, about "Holy" night, happy "birth" time, heart "fast" action, happy gathering The Christmas night, to the candle light sigh. The first thing you need to do is to get your hands on some of the most popular products and services in the world. The most important thing to remember is that you have to be able to see the whole world, and you have to be able to see the whole world. The sea of the heart, I wish you peace. Love wave is more than, *** cross Christmas.
With the arrival of Christmas Eve, and think of faraway friends, may the bright and festive Christmas candlelight warm you every day and night of the year, such as my smile at all times filled with your heart! Merry Christmas!
The snowflakes outside the window are drifting in the sky, and the hymns in the church are flowing in the crowd. I am praying: May the candlelight on Christmas night open your heart to a joy that will make your life brighter and more brilliant!
I want to send you a half green and half red apple on Christmas Eve, the green half represents my past to you, a little green; the red half represents my present and future to you, happy and sweet ...... Wish you a Merry Christmas!
The sea is calm, the moonlight will reflect the sea romantic, I will be filled with blessings of the glass bottle along with the sound of the bell thrown into the bay, the bottle with the tide drift drift drift. If you receive this letter in the bottle, you are the person I care most about, Merry Christmas!
The green Christmas tree is full of my thoughts about you, the long Christmas stockings are full of my love for you, the beautiful Christmas candles light up my blessings to you, the lovely Santa Claus brings my greetings to you, I wish you a Merry Christmas!
The dark sky is filled with colorful snow, the cold forgets the moonlight thoughts, the verdant pines and cypresses are wrapped in silver clothes, the breeze is swaying and blowing down the thoughts, let the calm night bring my deepest blessings: Christmas peace and happiness!
Christmas Eve again, *** accompanied by several years; hot love is still there, strong affection followed; in fact, plain and simple is true. Then, let's keep love in our hearts forever, until forever and ever ...... Wish you a happy Christmas and a happy life!
Snowflakes flying all over the sky, ah, with my heart that condensation of fingerprints quietly fly to the depths of your thoughts, in this quiet moment, let us hold hands, in the Christmas bells happy flying it ......
Tonight you look up at the night sky, such as a star in the blink of an eye, that's a wish for a lifetime of peace; there are millions of stars in the flash, that's a wish for a lifetime of peace; a millions of stars blinking, that is to wish you happy forever; if a star is not there, that is too many blessings, so that the stars are eclipsed
If you can shine the sun, whose heart would you like to warm? If you can blow and send the spring breeze, whose smile would you like to stretch? On this Christmas Eve, who is the person you miss? No matter how things change in the world, I wish you what you wish for. Merry Christmas