I don't know if you have paid attention to the emergence of many one-child families in society, the child outside the performance of courteous, but at home, but often parents and grandparents yell, and even move to tantrums, and often have to be coaxed by grandparents. This is now the origin of many bear children, by a few adults spoiled, these children often ignore the love of their parents, grow up and even fall in love and get married to take each other for granted, rarely give each other love.
This is the sadness of our current era, the child ignores the love of parents, but very polite to strangers. So we have to learn to really express our love in today's time. And expressing love is just one part of interpersonal communication. Today, we are going to study Li Xiaomo's Please Stop Ineffective Socializing, so that we can see through the nature of interpersonal communication, learn to really know and care about others, and win real friends for ourselves.
Li Xiaomo, a former reporter for Hainan Special Administrative Region Newspaper, editor-in-chief of Xiamen Headlines, and founder of the self-published media outlet Late Night Desk, reads a lot, writes for a long time, and has a deep understanding of the world. She reads a lot, writes for a long time, thinks y, and has written millions of words of reading notes during her college years. Years of accumulation in the traditional media and self-media industry have allowed her to seize the "social dividend era" of the easy-to-understand Internet, create knowledge-sharing self-media, and set up a reading and sharing community to successfully create her personal IP.
This book is a richly informative and informative guide to the world of reading and writing.
This book is rich in content, **** divided into four parts. The first part describes the nature of socialization, and the other parts are divided into the relationship between socialization and emotional intelligence, the performance of effective socialization, and the performance of ineffective socialization.
The Nature of Socialization
1. The Truth About Networking
Chinese people often like to say that more friends make more roads. When we were young, we were also often taught by our parents to be generous when going out and to contact more of our classmates, teachers, and colleagues, which we might use later. We can see from our parents' instructions to us that they expect us to make more friends, just to be able to use them later. And the purpose of our interpersonal communication is different, we may be from the occupational needs to know a whole lot of colleagues and friends, but also because of the introverted or extroverted personality to know a lot of people.
And everyone's energy is limited, if you spend time every day to phone or WeChat to contact all your friends, I guess it won't take long, you will be tired to collapse. The maximum number of friends and family we can really take the trouble to contact is those 10 to 15. And the truth of the network is actually your own ability, not how many friends you saved the phone number, the other person is your network. Only you can bring help to each other, have the ability to help others, and others can also help you, each other to produce links, this is the truth of the network.
After talking about the truth of connections, what is the view of those who are more mature?
Mature people should understand that the essence of socialization is reciprocity. In the truth of networking, we also mentioned that only if you have the ability to bring benefits to the other party, the other party is really willing to socialize with you. Of course, this kind of benefit is not only refers to the material, may be emotional, may also be spiritual. A truly mature person should understand that people's relationships are mutually beneficial. Any kind of one-sided giving cannot be called socializing. Imagine, imagine, you know those a lot more than you cattle people, you do not bring them at this stage what gain, they can once or twice to help you, but they can always help you down?
In socializing we should get along with a ****-win mentality. We've been used to fighting for our own interests for years, for awards, for scholarships, for year-end prizes, and we've been learning to work hard for our own interests since we were kids. This zero-sum game attitude is not suitable for real friendships. Imagine if between you and your friends, it's all about you giving unilaterally, and the other person accepting it with peace of mind, wouldn't you feel tired in the long run?
The relationship between social interaction and emotional intelligence
1.
Recognize your own emotions. For example, if you rush to the bus in the morning, the bus driver did not come, and finally came half an hour late, and you were late for work, although your superiors did not criticize you much, but you worked all day today, you are particularly angry, which is that you do not recognize yourself as a bus thing is very irritated, and you have been in the mood for anger, just do not notice it.
Adjust your emotions. Adjustment of their own emotions, refers to the negative impact of the continuous emotions, such as watching a movie moved to tears, this is not to adjust the emotions. People with high emotional intelligence know how to express their emotions appropriately, rather than sinking into negative emotions.
Because downstairs, the big moms are dancing, the sound is too noisy, you are very annoyed, pick up a brick to smash these big moms, this time you belong to can not properly adjust their emotions, too impulsive. People with low emotional intelligence usually feel that it is not necessary to adjust their emotions, and feel that with the emotions is the true nature. This is actually a wrong perception.
People can not regulate emotions, has been silent in the negative emotions, and even produce depression and suicide thoughts, long-term will seriously damage your health.
This can be done by pulling out and questioning whether your thoughts are right or wrong. For example, the girl called her boyfriend a few times, no one answered the phone, WeChat message no one back, this time the girl is particularly frustrated, think the boys do not love him, it may just be that the boys due to the work of busy in the meeting, the phone tuned into the mute, this time the girl will have to question the current idea of your right or wrong.
High emotional intelligence not only in the identification of their own emotions and identify the emotions of others, this is not for you to observe, but really understand others, learn to think differently. For example, a female colleague took out a photo of her daughter winning a talent show award and shared it with everyone, and we all praised her daughter for being beautiful and multi-talented, a joyful atmosphere, and then a colleague next to her said, "It's so ugly." The first time I saw this, I was so happy to see it, and I'm so happy to see it.
2. How the conflict arose.
In modern society, a high level of emotional intelligence is usually considered to be a good communication skill. In our past impression is that the kind of eloquent, speak always prevailed in the person is the master of communication. In fact, it is not, the real master of communication is able to understand each other's state, listen carefully, and properly express their own views of the people.
Communication requires both parties to listen carefully and patiently to each other, once the communication is not good is likely to have serious consequences. For example, in February 2017, Wuhan Railway Station, a murder occurred, just because the price of hot dry noodles from 4 yuan into 5 yuan, diners Hu questioned why the price went up, the results of the noodle store owner is a violent temper: "I said a few dollars on a few dollars, you can eat up to eat, can not afford to eat don't eat, you give the old man to roll." Then he beat Hu.
Unbeknownst to him, Hu is mentally ill, more emotionally unstable, rushed into the kitchen, picked up a kitchen knife and chopped the noodle store owner to death.
Although we may not be good in communication to produce such serious consequences, but if because of communication between the two sides because of a sense of superiority, dominance, and so on, is often a fight or even hands. This is the time to learn to sincerely apologize and clarify your problem.
The author mentions a way to clarify the issue in the book. "I'm not ...... but ......", for example, to give your first time to write a novel to give advice to a friend can say: "I give advice not because I do not like your novel or dismissing your work, in fact I'm especially proud of you and want to offer some immature suggestions for your consideration."
Possibly follow up the clarification with a hug, or share your snack to make up for it.
Effective Social Presentation
How do you present yourself socially to win others over. Li Xiaomo mentions several aspects in his book.
1. Learn to express love.
The word love sounds simple, but do we really express our love. For your boyfriend to help you go and wash all your clothes, will you express your gratitude? Do you express gratitude for your parents working so hard for us?
We often take for granted the dedication of those close to us, and only regret it when we really lose it. This is the time to say thank you the next time your boyfriend does your laundry. In your loved ones encounter difficulties, more support to encourage her.
Of course, there is more than one way to express love. Can be expressed through the gift to express, now society popular word called the bag to cure all diseases, is to comfort the girlfriend to buy her a brand-name bag, all the problems are solved. Although it is not necessarily to buy a bag, but you can quietly prepare a gift to give each other is also a way to express your love.
Of course, not only can you buy a gift to express your love, but even hugging and other physical contact can give each other a sense of security. Scientific studies have shown that, for girls, a hug from a boy is more secure than a lot of meditative gifts for girls.
2. Learn to comfort a person
When a friend meets the interview failure, we comfort him that a small thing, tomorrow things will be over, in fact, this is a kind of wrong way to comfort. We ignore the importance of the interview to the friend, of course time passes things will be resolved, but you do not realize how much this interview failure in the moment for the friend is hurt.
Because this kind of comforting comes from the way our parents comforted us when we were kids. The right way to comfort someone is to accept that your friend is upset, and get on the same page with him by asking him how he's feeling right now, and even if you have a different opinion, you can be sure before you politely say what you think.
3. Learn to recognize others' complaints
No one likes the kind of person who is always complaining. But we often overlook the meaning behind the complaint, which may be that there is a request that has not been met, or that we want to get someone's attention. This is where we can ask questions to get to know the person better and recognize the meaning behind their complaints.
For ourselves, though, it's not like the author of A World Without Complaints to start a campaign to not complain for 21 days straight and wear a purple bracelet. We can learn from Li Xiaomo to pick up a rubber band and tie it to our hand, and pop it when we complain, so we can reduce the number of times we complain.
Signs of ineffective socialization.
Li Xiaomo in summarizing the aspects of ineffective socialization are 交浅言深, eloquence over each other, group texting.
1. Shallow talk
You just met a friend, you feel especially close, you spit out your girlfriend get up late every day, your boss is especially stingy things. You don't realize that you're actually just friends who just met, and you're very compatible, but your relationship isn't deep.
You don't worry that you're leaking your information to your girlfriend or your boss, and it creates an illusion that you're on good terms with him, when in fact you're just meeting on the first day, so this kind of shallow friendship is very much not recommended to take advantage of each other's relationship.
2. Eloquence is better than the other
We like to win in the argument, in fact, we forget that our original purpose is to solve the problem. How many of you have won an argument over the other person and ended up breaking your friend's heart, and your relationship even broke down. Li Xiaomo itself used to be a special favorite debate people nothing always like to argue, small to angelbaby has no plastic surgery, big to China should abolish the death penalty, this time the debate for winners and losers really does not make sense, we are discussing the real knowledge, not in order to pressure to each other.
3. Group text messaging
With the popularity of WeChat, like a few years ago, the phenomenon of group texting rarely appeared, but now the New Year's Eve group WeChat or QQ is still often, we feel that this will be able to produce a contact with each other, in fact, think about it also know that the group WeChat is only in the amount of walking is not in the heart of the real heart, you really want to treat those who are important to you, not to show that the New Year's Day, the New Year's Day to send a WeChat what? The first thing you need to do is to get your hands on a new one, and you'll be able to do that.
It is often said that carrying a true heart will win real friendship, but if you will not be a real method, all the efforts to expand the social circle have become ineffective social, we all hope that there is a course to hand over our interpersonal relationships, but unfortunately, we are all in the bump in the solo groping, either with reference to other people is but not the experience, there has never been too much reliable knowledge to learn.
The purpose of this book is for those who are socially inept to realize that there is a better, more effective way of social interaction and interpersonal relationships, and I hope that this book will bring about a change in the perception of those who are socially inept, and truly enhance their interpersonal relationships.
Day 23 of the No Quit 365-Day Writing Bootcamp
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