I was at the end of a miserable relationship, and at the end of the year my dad and I had a fight over his particularly bizarre "suspicions". It was a very cold winter, and I was so bored that I just wanted to find a place to hide from all the weird attention and the intense feelings I had inside of me.
It was a very childish time, and one day I was looking through the Compendium of Materia Medica, and I saw the herb Duhu, and I wrote a very long "word" about it. But then I felt ashamed to show and extremely ominous, it will be quietly deleted. The year home a good snow, pieces of pieces of white, and even my first eight to Chengdu, the road there is a thick layer of snow shells.
It's a shame to say that in the most youthful and energetic time, I was in a state of mind like a zombie. It was a miserable period of exile relieved by DOTA. But I didn't realize that the long cold winter of life was only slowly beginning after that.
I am now completely unable to tell whether an event that happened in the Spring of 2016 was real or not. The memory is still very clear, I remember it was my dad calling me, and he said in a very pleasant tone on the phone, fuck, almost got bloated by a piece of shit. During the call he also vaguely mentioned to me who owed him money. I was impressed with the call, but my dad later told me he never made that call. Not long after that, I went to work for the Independent Commission Against Corruption, and one day my leg suddenly hurt, and I thought it was the aftermath of the paralysis I got when I was young, so I didn't pay too much attention to it. In fact in this three years later I realized that this is the precursor of ankylosing spondylitis.
I received a call from my dad at the place on Wuhouci Street, I bought some fruit that day, and was teasing Er Yuan, my dad said his intestines were broken, and I'm afraid he couldn't make it. I flew to Qingdao that day, and on the way I remembered a password I used a long, long time ago - k48400. it occurred to me that I had initially used 220 volts squared from my physics knowledge as a password just for the sake of remembering it, and how much of a black secret it seemed to be.
My dad only lasted a year and a half before he passed away. He kept saying it was hot the night he died, and he kept screaming hot when we had the window holes open and such a harsh wind. Then his body froze away cold in my arms, with only the slightest hint of warmth at the top of his head.
The next winters were one longer than the other.
Ghostly got an interview in 2018. At that time, Li and I were busy with the promotional video program, won three bids in a row, the mood is more pleasant. But at that time there was a hospital program that had been working overtime in the middle of the night to write was passed, and I was a little reluctant to be a B-side anymore. I took a taxi to Venture Road 8, met Director Peng and Ting, and vegetables.
June 15, officially entered the net security.
In a completely unfamiliar mode of work and atmosphere, the whole person is timid and inferiority complex, and the work often makes mistakes. In the initial period of time, it is inevitable to be apprehensive and afraid that you will not be able to adapt to the situation and do not do well.
Grandma died in the fall of that year.
On New Year's Day, my grandfather lay by the fire roasting, I saw his old age and loneliness, and I knew very well in my heart that such warmth with me and him were few and far between. on May 19, 2019, he was gone.
Three months later, I spent one dark night after another in the hospital. The doctor was a bit stern, saying I would be crippled if my bones rotted away in another six months. I saw the news about Li Hua, the folded man, and thought about these past few years, and felt that there was really no point in living.
Sometimes it is shocking to realize that some of the major events of a lifetime happen on disjointed nights, and it is so heavy and worthless.
In 2020 I spent over two months in my hometown, which was mossy and unpopular. In the bitterly cold atmosphere, each day was stretched extremely sharp, time cut through hazy memories, and emotions of gratitude, missing, and guilt intermingled.
But unbelievably this year was actually the smoothest year I've had in almost five years. No accidents, no incidents, even the spine is in a relatively stable state, in the immune system since the rapid decline, did not contract a new crown. This year's work also stepped into a relatively smoother rhythm, and leadership, colleagues and more tacit understanding.
Did some relatively interesting and meaningful planning.
Meet the lovely Ms. Zheng.
Read some beautiful poems and touching stories.
Wrote sentences full of joy.
The year had no ups and downs, and after many consecutive years of births and deaths, it did not endure any greater waves.
I have always joked to my friends that I am a person of great fortune, and jokes aside, sometimes I am really grateful. Because after surviving countless winters and cold nights, everything seems to be slowly getting better.
With the winter of 2020 getting colder and colder, the more the end of the year comes, the more I look forward to the New Year.
I always felt that my winter, all of it, was over.
I remember reading a novel a long time ago - The Island. Leprosy patients live on an isolated island, generations of people experience despair and pain, facing destruction and reconstruction over and over again, their hearts to the bright light, trying to live. I think maybe our life is also an island full of bitter fruits, constantly facing abandonment in multiple senses, constantly experiencing pain in multiple senses. The only thing we can do is to face it, accept it and digest it.
2020 has been harsh, the epidemic lasted from the end of the last year to the end of the current year, in such a background, perhaps everyone has experienced the cold winter of life, study, work, all aspects of life are facing unprecedented pressure, fewer movies, less eating podcasts, less square dancing, this is a comprehensive compression of the year, we have been in need of can be used to inspire the people, venting emotions, diverting We have been in need of things that can be used to inspire, vent our emotions, and divert our anxieties. We all have so much to look forward to going into the next chapter.
Eat the bitter bile of the moon and you will reap the bright moonlight.
Love this New Year -
It's all in the past, it's all being reborn.