He died.
On the day of the funeral.
His family cried, '
Shuang a ...... Shuang a.'
Passers-by were puzzled. Asked: 'You cool what a.'
Family members cried out in pain: 'Sharp ...... Sharp!!!!
2.
On a certain day, the turtle father, turtle mother and turtle son family decided to go on an excursion, they brought a Shandong big cake and two cans of sea
bottom of the chicken, they set off to Yangmingshan. After ten years of hard climbing, they finally arrived! They sat down on the ground, unloaded their equipment and prepared
to eat. As a result, they realized they hadn't brought a can opener!
Turtle Son: "...... Then I'll go back and get it."
Turtle Dad: "Good son! Quickly! Mom and Dad are waiting for you to come back to start dinner together, go and come back quickly!"
Turtle son: "Must wait for me to come back! Don't go back on your word!"
So the son of the turtle set off on his way home .........
Time flies like an arrow, and the years go by like a shuttle, and 20 years have passed, but the son of the turtle has not yet appeared.
Turtle mom: "old partner ...... want to start dinner first not? I'm super hungry,......"
Turtle Dad: "No. We promised our son! We promised our son! Well ...... wait for him for another five years, do not come, I do not care about him!"
The turn of the eye is five years, the turtle son is still not seen. Turtle turtle parents do not care! The two old man decided to start.
Take out the big cake is ready to eat ......
Suddenly, the turtle son from behind the tree poked his head out ......
Turtle son: "Shit! I knew you guys would steal the food! Trick me into going back for the can opener? I've been waiting for twenty-five years, and finally
It's time for me to wait, isn't it? I hate it when people lie to me!
3.
Xiao Xin: Dad, why are there three golds in my name?
Dad: Your life lacks gold, so you are named Xin, just like some people's life lacks water, so they are named Miao, and some people's life lacks wood, so they are called Sam.
Xiaoxin: Dad, you say that Guo Jingjing sister life lack of what?
4.
A pair of male and female friends sitting on a park bench to talk about love, the female suddenly want to fart.
To the male said: I learn the Department of Valley Bird, you listen to the elephant is not like.
Male willing to listen.
So, the woman in the "cuckoo cuckoo" under the cover of the sound of the birds, a loud fart.
Woman: like not like the cuckoo bird call?
Male: The sound of the fart is too loud, I did not hear!
5.
The turtle was injured. Let the snail to buy medicine. After 2 hours . The snail has not come back. Turtle anxious cursed: **** not come back I will die! At this time, the snail's voice came from outside the door: you *** say I do not go!
6.
One day an elephant was taking a bath. Suddenly an ant came over to the elephant and said. You stand up. Hit the ring and stand up. Ant! You sit down. The elephant was puzzled and asked the ant what he wanted to do. What do you want to do? You will stand up and sit down. The ant replied! I lost my underwear to see if you steal wear
7.
The elephant accidentally stepped on the ants nest, the ants out of the nest, have climbed to the elephant. The elephant shook itself and the ants fell off. There was another one on the elephant's neck, and the ant that fell off shouted "strangle it!
8.
One day in computer class, one row of students' computers crashed. So one of the students stood up and said, "Teacher, the computer is dead, our row is all dead." At this point, many students said, "We are also dead." At this point the teacher asked, "Who else didn't die?" Only one student stood up, "I'm not dead yet!" The teacher wondered, "The whole class is dead, why aren't you?"
9. A monkey eats peanuts by sticking them up his ass before taking them out. The administrator explained that someone once fed it peaches, and the peach kernel couldn't be pulled out, so the monkey was scared and now it must be measured before eating.
10. Xiao Ming: "Dad, am I a stupid child?"
Dad: "Silly child, how can you be a silly child ......"
11.
Tell a story: "Once upon a time there was a eunuch... ..........................."
Someone couldn't resist asking, "What's next?"
Continue to tell the story: "Below? No ah ......"
12.
A person just learned a foreign language, this day in the street, accidentally stepped on the feet of a foreigner, the man hurriedly said: "I'm sorry." The foreigner also The foreigner also politely said: "I'm sorry too." The man heard, hurriedly said: "I'm sorry three." The foreigner heard silly, asked: "What are you
13.
The Tang Monk wrote a letter to the Monkey King
Dear Monkey King:
I wrote this letter very slowly, because I know that you can't read words fast!
We had 2 rains this week, the first one lasted 4 days the second one lasted 3 days!
How are you doing in Mount Huaguo? I'm having a bad time in Heaven. Since there is no gravity, I can't drop my poop, pee, tears and snot...bitter, don't you think?
Our beef noodles here are very good, some day when you come we will go to the restaurant on West Street to eat hot pot together!
Your big sister Guanyin is going to give birth, because I do not know whether to give birth to a boy or a girl, so for the time being, I do not know whether you want to be an uncle or an aunt!
Did you get the clothes I sent you? To go to the mail I was afraid of overweight, so I cut off the buttons and put them in the pockets of the clothes!
It's not early to write here, have time to play in my place, remember not to drink more water, or when you get here to urinate is very difficult!
P. S I was going to send you money, but the envelope is already glued!
14.
- A patient with indigestion complained to the doctor: I've been very abnormal lately, what I eat and what I pull, what I eat and what I pull, what I eat and what I pull, what I eat and what I pull, and what I eat and what I pull, and how can I get back to normal? The doctor was silent for a moment, then you can only eat shit.
15.
- A man went to Shanghai on business in the street lost a dollar, the police said: "We will help you find" in January after the man went again, he lost the money on the street due to road repair were dug up, he could not help but sigh "Shanghai is really! "
16.
Classic joke: this ant One day an ant was sunbathing, suddenly saw the elephant walking slowly, busy up and straighten the front legs, next to the rabbit busy asking what are you doing? The ants said: "Hush ~~~~~~~ small voice look at me mix him a foot"
17.
Earthworms family this day is very boring, the small earthworms cut themselves into two sections of badminton to go, earthworms mother think this method is good, cut themselves into four sections of mahjong to go, earthworms father thought about it, they will be cut into mincemeat. cut into minced meat. Earthworm mom cried, "Why are you so stupid? You'll die if you cut yourself into pieces like that!" Earthworm dad said weakly: "...... suddenly want to play soccer
18.
The tortoise and the hare race ... The hare quickly ran ahead . The tortoise saw a snail crawling very slowly . He said to him, "Come on up, I'll carry you on my back . And then .. ..the snail came up. After a while .. . the turtle saw another ant.. And he said to him, "You come up too. So the ant came up. When the ant came up. ..saw the snail above him.. He says, "Hello." You know what the snail says? The snail said, "Hold on tight, this turtle is fast.
19.
One day, there was a fire in a house, and mom and dad escaped, leaving only one son still inside. The mom was very nervous and yelled outside the house, "Son a ..... What are you doing ...... What are you doing? ...." The son replied, "I'm putting on my socks .....". Mom said, "Why are you wearing socks when there's a fire?" After five minutes, her son still hasn't come out. ...... Mom shouted again, "Son, what are you doing? Come out quickly, it's a fire, why are you still in there ..... " The son said, "I'm taking off my socks. ........
23.
A man went to the river to fish first wear a leaf ~ half a day no fish on the hook, he changed a piece of bread ~ the same half a day no fish on the hook ~ no way he had to go to change the earthworms ~ the same half a day or no fish on the hook ~ ~ he was furious ~ pulled out 100 rmb and fell into the water cursing: "*-# What to eat! What do you want to eat!
24.
> desk cold runny nose, but he forgot to bring a handkerchief, so he kept sniffing snot hard into the nose. Writing on the blackboard,> the language teacher suddenly turned around and yelled, "That's enough! Stop it! That's enough!" The class fell silent. The teacher also > said: "Who in the end is stealing noodles in class and so loud?"
25.
The patient said to the dentist, "You're so good at making money, you made three dollars in only three seconds."
The doctor replied, "I can pull it for you in slow motion if you want."
26.
"Narcissism" means that in my next life, I will be a woman and marry a man like me; "despair" means that I order two dishes at a restaurant and eat the first one: "Is there anything more difficult to eat than this? Eat the second "Damn! There really is!"" Speechless" is the judge asked: why do you print counterfeit money? The criminal said: real money I will not print
27.
Weaving girl down to the earth to take a bath to meet the cowherd, interpretation of a shocking world sob God's love story, this incident tells us: bathing at home is no chance, so bathing must go outside to wash .....
28.
Small Ming returned to the classroom after going to the toilet and said to the teacher: "There are a lot of ants in the toilet" The teacher suddenly thought of ants in English ant the word, so test small Ming: "ant how to say?" Xiaoming a blank face ...... said: "ants he ...... did not say anything ......"
29.
One person at work is always farting, colleagues can not help but say He: "Can you not make a sound ah?" Then I saw him sitting there shaking. Colleagues asked him strangely what he was doing, he replied: "I do not make a sound, now has been adjusted to vibration!
30.
Mother mosquito: "child, what happened to you?" The little mosquito cried: "Today the little flies they bullied me, said I was bloodthirsty, vampire." Mother mosquito: "Ignore it, their family is not a good thing, one is to eat shit grown
31.
I spent 80,000 yuan to buy a Western Zhou ceramic pot, yesterday to & lt; treasure & gt; column identification, the expert said seriously: "This is which is the Western Zhou? This is last week!
32.
Son: "Mother, today I failed the math test" Mother: "Why ah, what questions." Son: "The teacher asked me 2*3=? I said 6." Mother: "That's right, and then what?" Son: "Then the teacher asked me 3*2=?" Mother: "It's the same fucking thing!" Son: "That's what I said...
33.
A prisoner was executed by firing squad, the bullet was produced by "a certain county", the quality was not good, the first shot was not released, and then the second shot... The third shot ...... At this point, the prisoner cried out: "You strangle me, too scary!"
34.
The father told his son a story: "Uncle told Xiaoyang to cut firewood, I did not expect Xiaoyang to cut down Uncle's favorite peach tree, Uncle saw very angry but did not scold him, do you know why?" The son replied: "Probably because Xiaoyang still holding the axe in his hand. So do not dare to scold him
35.
Shit shells and mosquitoes in love for the first time, shit shells: "What do you do?" Mosquito: "Nurse, injection" Shizurang a pull Mosquito's hand cried: "fate ah, I am also from the medical, Chinese medicine, pinch the pills
36.
A man can not find a girlfriend, no choice but to go to the fortune-telling. Fortune-teller said: you, the first half of life is destined to no woman; not The man's eyes lit up: that I should have the second half of life, right? Fortune-teller said: Hey, to the second half of life you are used to a person's life
37.
Someone eating, beef ramen noodles can not see a piece of beef, they pointed to the bowl and asked the boss: beef ramen how no beef? The boss said lightly: Don't take it too seriously, do you expect to eat a wife out of a wife cake?
38.
Three rats tasted American, Japanese and Chinese wine, respectively, drinking American wine rat, walked 3 steps down; drinking Japanese wine rat, walked 2 steps down; drinking Chinese Erguotou rat, holding a kitchen knife, shouting: "TMD cat?"
39.
When eating in a restaurant, a customer who had been waiting for a long time called out to the waiter and asked, "How come the braised fish I ordered isn't ready yet?". Please wait a little longer, sir."" What? Wait a little longer?" The customer got angry and said, "Do you catch the fish now?"
40.
One day, the cow gave the donkey a difficult question, asking which of the two worms under the word "stupid" was the male and which was the female. The donkey racked his brains and still couldn't answer. The cow scolded: really a stupid donkey, male left female right!
41.
A man wants to jump off a building, just rushed back to his wife shouted: "Honey, don't be impulsive, our road is still long!" The man heard, without hesitation whoosh jumped. Standing next to the negotiator said: "This wife, you really should not threaten him
42.
Director and section chief **** ride the elevator, the director of a fart after the section chief said: "You farted" section chief said: "Not I put" soon after the section chief was removed from office. The director said at the meeting: "you can't afford the fart, what do you need?"
43.
A lazy cat crazy pursuit of a mouse, finally married, after the marriage of the cat on the mouse all kinds of harsh care, the mouse soon became fat, the mouse is very touched: "Why am I so good dear ah!" The cat laughed and laughed: "When you are a little fatter, you know
44.
Every time I look in the mirror, I always encourage myself to talk to myself mentally: "I'm very creative, ugly is not my intention, God do not be angry, I will be brave to live, with my endless creativity. I will live bravely and use my endless creativity to set off the beauty of this world! In fact, I'm really really creative...
45.
Friends went hiking together, to the top of the mountain, a girl facing the beautiful mountains and rivers shouted: motherland ah! My mother! A crush on her boys quickly followed shouting: motherland ah! My mother-in-law!
46.
Previously, I bought two puppies, called "face" for you, called "ass" for myself! But not two days "face" unfortunately died in a car accident after every time I see "butt" I think of your "face"! If your "face" is still there, it is now as big as your "ass"!
47.
Tang Zeng chased away Wukong and then encountered a demon, he had to read the tight band incantation to call Wukong to come back to save his life, and soon there was a voice in the air: "I'm sorry. The user you are calling is not in the service area, please try again later.
48.
The mouse went to facilitate, see the bear is also in, scared to squeak, the bear looked at the mouse, said: "You do not lose hair?" Mouse shivered a little silent. Bear asked again, "Do not lose hair ah, you?" Mouse trembling said: "not fall ......" Bear a grabbed the mouse wiped his ass away! [The rat as toilet paper...
49.
Just now and friends chat, which have talked about you, you know? I argued with them, and almost fought, because some of them said you were like a monkey, some said you were like a gorilla, it was too much! Didn't see you as a pig at all!
50.
The panda's birthday, said to everyone: I made two wishes, one is that you can cure my dark circles, and the other is that I wish to have a colorful photo
51.
The bees chased the butterflies wildly, but the butterflies married the snails. The bees were puzzled: where is he better than me The butterfly replied: people at least have their own house, which is like you live in a group home
An ancient poem by Lu You entitled "Crouching Spring", students were asked to dictate it out.
The language teacher read it aloud as follows One student dictated it as follows
Lying in Spring | I'm Stupid
Dark Plums and Hearing Flowers | I'm Uneducated
Lying in Hearing Flowers | I have a low IQ
Lying in Hearing Flowers | I have a low IQ
Lying in Hearing Flowers | I'm Stupid
Transparent to Spring | a big dumb ass
This is a big dumb ass
This is a big dumb ass. | A big dumb ass.
The shore is green, | I am a donkey,
The shore is green, | I am a donkey,
The shore is green,
The shore is green,
The shore is green. | I am a donkey
One day in class, the teacher was teaching how much four times four equals, and Dream didn't even listen to the class!
The teacher said angrily, "I'm asking you, what is four times four?"
Dream replied, "I ...... don't know."
"Go home and ask your parents!" The teacher harshly criticized Xiaomeng.
School was over, and when Dream came home, he asked his mom (Mother of Otter), "Mom, what does four times four equal?"
Mom didn't hear and said, "Make a bowl of rice."
Dreamy then went on to ask her dad (Father of Otter), "Dad, how much is four times four?"
It just so happened that Dad had just woken up from a nap and said, "That's cozy!"
Dreamy had went to ask his brother, who happened to be answering the phone, and said, "You're pissing me off!"
The next day, Xiaomeng went to school. The teacher asked the same question as yesterday, and Dream said, "Make a bowl of rice."
The teacher hit him with the whip, and Dream said, "That feels good!"
The teacher dragged him outside to stand in punishment, and Dream said, "You're pissing me off!"
One day, the teacher walked into the classroom, and the students all stood up and shouted, "Good morning, teacher!" The teacher said indignantly, "Why only good morning? What about my afternoon? Is it not good?" So the students shouted again, "Good afternoon, teacher!" The teacher said angrily, "What about my evening?" The students shouted again in unison, "Good evening, teacher!" The teacher nodded and said, "That's good, now shout it again!" The students shouted, "Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, teacher!" The teacher said, "Sit down! Today we're going to review antonyms and we're going to practice like this, I'm going to say a sentence and you're going to say the antonym out loud. Now begin."
Teacher: "It's a nice day today."
Student: "The weather is bad today."
Teacher: "The sun is shining everywhere."
Student: "It's cloudy everywhere."
Teacher: "The roads are crowded."
Student: "The road was empty."
Teacher: "Young."
Student: "Old."
Teacher: "Stand up."
Student: "Lying down."
Teacher: "There is a young man standing on the road."
Student: "There is an old man lying down on the road."
Teacher: "I found a dollar."
Student: "I lost a dollar."
Teacher: "I found a dollar and gave it to the teacher."
Student: "I lost a dollar and stole it from the teacher."
Teacher: "Wrong, you can't say that!"
Student: "Right, you should say that!"
Teacher: "Wrong."
Student: "Correct."
Teacher: "That's no good, it's illegal!"
Student: "It's OK, it's legal!"
Teacher: "I said wrong."
Student: "We say right."
Teacher: "Listen to the teacher, what the teacher says is right!"
Student: "Listen to us, what the teacher says is wrong!"
Teacher: "You are stupid."
Student: "We are smart."
Teacher: "Stop!"
Student: "Go on!"
Teacher: "You stop now! Stop it!"
Student: "We will continue now! We're going to say it again!"
Teacher: "You stupid pigs, I said stop!
Student: "We're all geniuses, we say go on!"
Teacher: "You listen to the teacher!"
Student: "The teacher listens to us!"
Teacher: "Students have to listen to the teacher!"
Student: "Teachers have to listen to students!"
Teacher: "Now you stop practicing!"
Student: "Now we will continue practicing!"
Teacher: "Are you finished?"
Student: "We have a beginning and an end!"
Teacher: "Then stop! Stupid pigs!"
Student: "Then we should continue! Genius!"
。。。。。。 The teacher walks out of the classroom out of breath, clutching his handout.
Colleagues to the field on business, local colleagues hospitality, that night in a special hotel room set up a banquet to receive the wind. After a dozen men and women were seated, they kept chatting, and only one person was ordering food. Pointed out, to seek the views of the group: "dishes ordered, there is no need to add?" In this case, we in Beijing is generally let the lady to point out the name of the dishes reported again. So a Beijing buddy said, "Miss, report."
The lady looked at him and didn't move.
"Miss, report it!" Dude got a little antsy.
The lady's face turned red and still didn't move.
"What? Let you report a little did not hear?" Buddy really anxious.
A female colleague hurriedly rounded off: "Miss, you hurry to report it, ah."
Miss mumbled and asked: "That, that ...... will hold the female, not hold the male line?"
"Pfft!" The side of a female colleague just drank a large mouth of tea all sprayed on the front side of the person. A dozen people made a mess of laughter, the lady is even more overwhelmed.
On the food, the first on a mixing La Pi Er. A large plate of rappel came up, followed by a few dishes of ingredients, sauces and so on. The lady did not pay attention when serving, a drop of sauce spilled in a buddy's pants. The man was also intent on making fun, pretending to be gloomy and asked the lady: "How to do ah?"
The lady calmly said, "Do whatever you want."
" Then you say how to do?"
"What do you want to do?"
"And what do you usually do here?"
"Why don't I do it for you?"
"Yes."
Only saw the lady neatly pour a few plates of ingredients and sauce on the ramen, chopsticks in one hand and a spoon in the other, and mixed it up in a few swipes. Then he said to the guy, "Sir, it's ready, you can eat now."
The man with the eyes staring at the plate of rapier half a day did not say anything, another colleague for him to say "thank you" to the lady.
On the main course - roasted leg of lamb, a large plate of meat bones, a plate of salt and pepper. A Beijing buddies love this mouth, nonchalantly grabbed a leg of lamb, click is a mouthful, croak croak croak eat up. The lady saw, said:
"Sir, this should be dipped to eat."
Buddy will be convinced to look at the lady, and then looked at the local colleagues. The local coworker said, "It tastes better with dipping." Dude then stands up with the leg of lamb and clicks another bite.
The lady rushes over and asks, "Do you need anything, sir?"
"Ah? No."
"Then please sit down and eat."
Dude muttered and sat down, looking at the group, bewildered. Carefully, he brought the leg of lamb to his mouth and carefully took a bite.
The lady adds, "Sir, this needs to be dipped."
Buddy stood up in a flash, waving the leg of lamb angrily yelling, "And to eat standing, and to eat sitting, in the end how to eat!?"
Wine and food full, the leader hobbled.
The full seat rose to welcome, a chilling sound.
Next to the banquet lady very beautiful, new, inexperienced, quite a bit nervous.
The people are seated, someone greeted: "Miss, tea!"
Miss busy close to the finger point: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, **** seven!"
The crowd laughed, the leader added: "Pour tea!"
The lady was busy "checking" again: "7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, or seven."
Someone asked, "What are you counting?"
The lady hesitated and replied in a whisper, "I am a dog."
The crowd was angry, and shouted, "Call your manager!"
The leader said: "Do not ask, go to check the age of the young lady phases."
The manager was puzzled, and followed the order, and then came the reply: "18 years old, belong to the dog!"
The leader laughed, the crowd laughed. Leaders do not do not pursue the amount of sea, the crowd of elegant inconvenience to pursue.
Miss, the manager fell into five miles of clouds.
After thirty years of wine, a dish came up: "Stewed king of eight!"
All people are happy, but did not forget the rules, someone with chopsticks to dial the head of the king of eight said: "Leaders move, leaders move!" The leader looked at the head of the turtle was dialed chaotic trembling, the heart is not happy, both do not want to harmonize the end of the words and do not want to violate the crowd's goodwill, so it is to hold a spoon to drink soup, said: "Good, good! The first thing I want to do is to make sure that I have a good understanding of what I'm doing and how I'm doing.
Another person flattered said: "Yes - the king should drink soup!" The leader was so angry that he almost spat.
In a few minutes, the soup will be exhausted, something round floating out, asked: "Miss, what is this?"
Miss busy answer: "It is a son of a bitch." The crowd and surprise: "Leaders eat first, leaders eat first!"
This this leader did not hear the "bad luck" words, very happy, called Miss: "Give everyone a share!"
A long time, the lady did not move, the leader asked angrily: "How, this is not clear?"
Miss difficult to say: "seven people, six bastards, you asked me how to share ah?"
The crowd heard, each stretched his neck and stared, full of food, difficult to swallow. `
A 70-year-old woman drove a car carrying three old people who were also at the level of a woman slowly drove on the provincial highway.
The traffic **stopped her and said, "Auntie, you're driving so slow, you'll affect the traffic."
The older woman driving spoke, "Doesn't that sign say 20?"
The traffic** said, "That's highway 20!"
Driving mom says, "Whoa! Whoa! That's a highway not a speed limit!"
Traffic** says, "Right, and why do the other 3 ladies behind you look so bad?"
The older woman driving the car replied, "We just drove up from the 245!"
Teacher: "You wrote your essay with mostly white letters."
Student: "Teacher, I wrote in white letters."
The teacher said to a student who had just woken up from a nap, "I purposely lectured out loud, and you purposely slept."
"I purposely slept and you purposely spoke loudly." The student replied.