restaurant, Jeff Peters is explaining these 3 transplants to me.
Every winter Jeff came to New York for spaghetti, watched
the shipping on the East River from the depths of his woolen ratty coat, and
was interred in a Chicago supply that was in one of the Fulton's clothing
street stores. In the other three, he may have found further seasons
West - he ranged from Spokane to Tampa. In his profession, he takes a
pride in the philosophical ethics he supports and maintains with earnestness and distinction. His specialty was nothing new. He was
incorporated into the uncapitalized, unlimited asylum for the reception of
his fellow disturbed and unwise dollars.
In the stone wilderness, Jeff claimed its annual solitude on
holidays, and he happily gossiped about his many adventures as a boy who would
blow the whistle after a wooden sunset. So we're going to ask, I marked the
time on my calendar for his arrival, and placed a kind of privileged question in Provenzano
about the wine in the nook between the stained table
the playful rubber factory and the framed palazzio della thing
on the wall.
"There are two types of graft," says Jeff, "and that should be eliminated
by law. I mean Wall Street speculation, & burglary. "
"Almost everyone would agree with you to one of those," I said, with
a laugh.
"Oh, burglary, that should be eliminated, also said, "Jeff, I wonder
whether it's redundant to laugh.
"About three months ago," Jeff said, "it was my honor to become
familiar with a pair of samples of each of the above departments
illegal art. I was one of the /sinusoidal/ and unpopular members que the
robber unions and John Financial Napoleon
at the same time. "
"Interesting combination,' I said, with a yawn." Did I tell you I
Bagged a shot of ducks, ground squirrels last week, in
Ramapos?" I know exactly how to draw Jeff's story.
"Let me tell you about these barnacles first, clogging the wheels
Society's poisoned springs of rectitude with yubas tree-like
eyes, said Jeff with a pure line of feces, - raking in his own.
"As I was saying, three months ago, I got into bad company. There are two
times in a man's life when he does that - when he's dead broke, and
when he's rich.
"Now and then the most legitimate business runs out of luck. It was
In Arkansas, I made a wrong turn at an intersection that landed him in
The wrong town of Peavine. I seem to have attacked and
disfigured Peavine before this spring. I sell for 600 dollars
Worth of young fruit trees - plums, cherries, peaches and pears.
The Peaviners keep an eye on the country roads and wish I
maybe passed that way too. I drove past Main Street as far as
Crystal Palace Pharmacy before I realized I had committed an ambush when
I and my white horse Bill.
"In Peaviners had surprised and Bill, my horse's bridlehead, and began a
conversation not entirely divorced from the issue of
fruit trees. A village council time to run certain trace elements through the chain
my undershirt sleeve holes, and through their escort and my garden
orchard.
"Their fruit trees lived up to their label. Most of 'em turned out to be persimmons and dogwoods to forests or two
Pirate flags and poplars. The only one that showed any sign of bearing
What a good Yentown said had raised a horse
Nest and old corset half-covered.
"Our longtime Peaviners strolled in vain to the edge of the city.
They took the account and money on my watch, and again constantly Bill and
The station wagon as hostages. They said the first time which Dogwood Tree
presented an Amsden peach in June I would come back to get my things.
Then they took off the tracking chain and jerked their thumbs in the
direction of the Rockies, while I hit Lewis and Clark Lopey
in a rising river and impenetrable forest.
"When I re-intellectualized I found myself becoming a walking
Unknown: towns, T&S buildings railroads. None of the Peaviners
stayed in my pockets any more than a chew plug - they weren't
in my life - and saved it. Remaining a bit over a chunk of the track recogitate my senses and thoughts sharp as I sit down on
Piles of relations.
"Then at this time the fast freight slowed down in a little
town; and off it dropped the black bag, rolled it for twenty yards
in a cloud of dust, and then got up, and began to spit out bituminous coals and
exclamations. I think it was the face of a young man dressed extensively
Dobby Goods Pullmans, and smiled pleasantly in kind
Despite all this, making Phoebesno's chimneys as much as looking for work as
Sweeping.
"'Dropped? Said one
"'Nunk,' he said.' Get out of the car. Before I reach my destination. What is the town for
this?'
"'There's no looking at the map without it,' said one, 'I was at about five a
minute before you were. How did it strike you?
"'Hard,' he said, twisting his arm about.' I believe that
Shoulder - no, that's all right.
"He received the dust containing deceptively handed to the brush off his shirt when he went out
Pocket drop fine, 9 inches of burglar-proof steel Jimmy. He picked it up
and looked at me sharply, then smiled and thought his hand.
"'Brother,' he said, 'greetings. Can't I see you in southern Missouri
last summer, selling colored half-sand for $1 teaspoons to put
for lamps to keep from exploding oil?'
"'Oil,' I said, 'never explodes. It's gas in the form of
explosions.' But I shook hands with his hand, anyway.
"'My name is Bill Bassett,' he said to me, 'and if you take it
instead of professional arrogance, I'll tell you you must
The best thief in the conference is the one who creates the fun of over-gumshoeing the discharged ground of the
Mississippi River.'
"Well, my contact and communication with Bill Bassett, sat bragging
at the Kindred Lines Artists Club. He didn't seem to have a penny,
Either that or we walked in close to the core. He explained why he could
Thieves sometimes have to travel on goods, told me a
Yat played him in Little Rock falsely, and he was being a
quick pickup.
"'It's part of my business,' Bill Bassett said, 'to play to
lift when I want to as Raffles Shoals. 'Tis love that makes
bit goin' round. Showing my products also swag and pretty house
parlor maid, you can also call it melted silver
for sale, and I overflowed with truffles, napkins, stuff about castles
according to my chin, while the police claimed that it was just an inside job
because the old lady's nephew told the Bible class. First, I want an
Impression about the girl,' said Bill, 'when she got me inside I
on the lock. 'But in Little Rock one did me,'
he said. 'She saw me being in a stroller with another girl when
I was 'That night, she left my door was open wheel
being quickly. I and the upstairs door keyed up. But there was no Mr. She made sure to cut off my lock. She's a Delilah,' said Bassett, Bill.
"It seems that Bill tried to break Jimmy in him anyway, but
The girl made such a noise that the top rider bravura inherited
Conforms to the ho, and Bill had to take the garage with all the obstacles that were there.
. As he had no baggage, they struggled to check his departure,
but his train only drove out.
"'Well,' Bill Bassett said, as we exchanged memories of our departed
lives, 'I can eat.' This town doesn't look like it's under a whore
Yale lock. Assuming we commit some minor atrocity that will bring in money for
temporary expenses. I don't think your hair brings along
Tonic pills or gold-covered watch chains, or similar laws that flout fraud
You can sell that on the affected side of the pikers' plaza
The populace, yes?
"No,' I said, 'I left the Patagonia Elegance Collection Diamond Earrings
There was rain in my suitcase in Peavine one day during a solar storm. But they stayed
there until some of these black rubber trees started flooding the market with
yellow unleashed, Japanese plums. I don't think we can count on them
unless we take partner Luther Burbank in.'
"'Well,' said Bassett, 'we'll do what we can. Perhaps later
Darkness I'll borrow some female a hairpin and open the farmers and
Bank Drovis ocean. With it'
"While we were talking about pulling a passenger train near the station
passed. If a man gets high hats off on the wrong side of the train,
came from tripping up on our tracks. He was a small, fat man with a big nose and ratty eyes, but dressed expensively, holding a satchel and careful as if it were an egg or a railroad bond in this one. He
passed us and kept on the track without appearing to notice
the town.
"'Come on,' said Bassett, Bill to me, and he started afterward.
"'Where is it?' I demand it.
"'Behave yourself.' Draft said, 'You forget you're in the desert? Didn't you
see Colonel Manner pull down in front of your eyes? Don't you listen to
general raven's wing stealing? I am surprised at you, Elijah.
"We caught up with the stranger at the edge of some woods, and because it was
in the sun and in a quiet place, no one saw us stop him. The bill
lightened the man's head with a big bowler hat and brushed it with his sleeve
and offered to go back.
"'What is the meaning of this, sir?' Said the man.
"'When I was wearing one of those,' said Bill, 'and felt embarrassed, I
always did. As there is not one now I have to use yours. I simply don't know
how to begin, sir, with you in explaining business with us, but I guess
we'll try you out of pocket the first time.
"Bill Bassett felt all this and expected revulsion.
"'Not even a watch,' he said.' Not that you are ashamed of yourself, you
whited sculpture? To be dressed like a head waiter, and financed
like an earl. you don't even have carfare! You don't even have carfare. what do you do with your
transfers?'
"The man spoke, saying he had no assets or valuables of any kind.
But Bassett took his hand, the document bag, and opened it. After the output, some
collars and sock halves were clipped from the newspaper. The bill
read the clips cautiously, thinking his hand was holding a
party.
"'Brothers,' he said, 'greetings! Accept my friend's apology. I
Bill Bassett, burglary. Mr. Peters, you must make an acquaintance
Mr. Alfred Ricks. Shake hands. Mr. Peters,' said Bill, 'standing
between me and you, Mr. Ricks in the line of destruction,
corruption. He always gave money, things. I'm glad to
meet you, Mr. Ricks - you and Mr. Peters. This is the first time I have ever attended a fully collected National Conference of Bishops of the Sharks -
stealing, swindling, and financiering all the delegates. Please
check Mr. Rick's credentials, Mr. Peters.
"In a piece of draft newspaper Bassett handed me there was a good picture of
Benricks it. It's a Chicago newspaper, and it's obloquies
Ricks in every paragraph. What I gained by reading it was
Intelligence that claimed Ricks said he was laid off from all parts of
The country, which is under water into the city land and sold 'em to the state of Florida
Allegedly to innocent investors from his brilliantly furnished office
in Chicago. When he was over $100,000 a
These are the trouble makers are always picky buyers (I've 'em
I've actually tried to sell 'em for a gold watch on acid time) took the low price
The tour to the land there is always before dinner
Look at his lot and see if it doesn't need a new fence or a 2-person
fence, the market at Christmas! Currently a few lemons
trade. He hired a surveyor to find his lot for him. They run lines
Looking for the most prosperous city hollow heaven, so advertised,
About 40 rods and 16 rods No. 27 degrees in the middle of E. coli
than the lake. The man's destiny is in 36 feet of water,
and, in addition to having been snagged so long by alligators and gals
looks fishy to his champions.
"Of course, the man is back in Chicago, making it as hot as
Alfred Ricks due to the snowy morning forecast
Weather Bureau. Ricks defies charges, but he can't deny
Alligator. One morning, the newspaper published an op-ed about it,
and Ricks came out for a fire escape. It seems the authorities allegedly hit him with a safe deposit box, he keeps his
bonus, and Ricks is headed west ho! Only feetwear and other ten
15 and half an English probe in his shopping bag. He witnessed some miles left in his book and took him to the town
where he spread out in the wilderness, where the Bill was carried to me by Bassett
Leah III. There was not seen to us any raven.
"Then this Alfred Rix let him be hungry, too, and squeaked,
and denied that his assumptions were good value, let alone
price, for a meal. There are, therefore, three persons, represented, if
we have resolved to utilize the trinitarian and parabolic, labor and trade
capital. Now, when there is no trade without capital there is not a bargain to be
made. When there is no money in capital there is a stagnation and steak
onions. That takes it up to man with Jimmy.
"'Brothers in the jungle building up,' said Bill Bassett, 'never, trouble, no
Yu desert good friends. Hard, in the veins timber, I seem to see empty houses
Lodging. Let's go there and wait for dark.
"There is an old, abandoned cabin in the woods, and the three of us have
possessed it. After nightfall Bill Bassett told us to wait, further down
for half an hour. He came back with bread and armful
of ribs and pies.
"'Panhandled' at a time about the Washtow Avenue farmhouse,' he said."' Eat,
Drink, is empty.
"The full moon was coming up bright, so we sat down on the ground
Panhandled and ate by its light. And this ordinance Bassett began to
brag.
"'Sometimes,' he said, his mouth country fully produced, 'I lose
all patience with you people think you are in higher growth
than I do professionally. Now, either you do the
current emergency on setting the feet of us? Can you do that,
Ricksy?'
"'I must confess, Mr. Bassett,' said Ricks, speaking almost inaudibly
out of a share of the spoils, 'that at this juncture I am at once incapable of,
maybe, promoting enterprise and alleviating the situation. Great
As I direct, naturally need to seriously prepare for the action,
Forward. I -'
"'I know, Ricksy,' rested Bassett in the Bill.' You don't have to finish. You
need $500 to make the first payment on the blonde typewriter, 4
roomsful of resident oak furniture. You need more than $500
Advertising contract. You need two weeks to fish
start biting. Your relief line will probably be useful in a
As the city's emergency claim of ownership to cure a man choking
By 80 cents on the gas. And your transplant isn't much faster, brother
Peters,' he blew.
"'Oh,' I said, 'I don't see you turning to gold with anything of your
Stick however, good Mr. Fairy. ' Most people can rub a magical ring
There are very few food reserves left,.
"'It's the only get the pumpkin ready,' said Bassett, braggy and
happy. 'The coach and SIX'll raise the door in front of you knowing
It Miss Cinderella. Maybe you've got some plans up your sleeve, and the
holders will give us a start.
"'Son,' I said, 'I'm 15 years older than you, and young
not enough to come up with an endowment policy. I've been there before it happened. We
Could see the lights of the city less than half a mile away. I learned under
Montague Silver, the largest commoner, spoke from a van.
Have to walk the streets at the moment with hundreds of
Their clothes spotted with grease. Give me a gasoline lamp, a dry goods
frame and a two-dollar white Castile soap that will be small cut - '
"'If you two dollars?' Snickers to my words ordinance Bassett.
No use of the anti-theft argument.
"No,' he went on, 'you two baby point on wood. Treasury has closed
The mahogany table, and trade has put the shutter up. Y'all take a look
Labor starts the wheels going. All right. You recognize this. Tonight
I'll show you what Bill Bassett can do.
"Sitrix told me not to leave the cabin until he came back,
even if it was daytime, and then he whistled first to the town,
gay.
"This Alfred Ricks took off his shoes and his coat, laid a silk
handkerchief over his hat, and laid it on the floor.
"'I think I'll try to get a little sleep,' he squeaked.
'The day has been fatiguing. Good night, dear Mr. Peters.
"'My regards, Morpheus,' one said, 'I think I'll sit up for a while.
"About two o'clock, as near as I could guess to my Peavine watch, the
houseman came to our labor and kicked up Ricks, and called to our
striped bright moonlight glistening hatch. Then he poorly
took a five-pack of $1,000 a piece to the floor and
started chattering in the nest like an egg.
"'I'll tell you a few things about the city,' he said.' It's named
Lodge Springs, and they're building a ****ing Jehovah's temple, and it looks
such as on the Mayor's Democratic candidacy will get by the soaking-wet
Pop, Judge, and Tucker's wife, who's been down with pleurisy, are
getting on with some good. I have a thesis on these liliputian thesis calls before
I can get a siphon in the knowledge that I was in a fountain.
There are also banks that have what are called lumberjack's fidelity and lorman's
savings institutions. This is the index of yesterday's business $ 23,000
Cash on hand. It will open this morning for $18,000 - all silver -
That's why I didn't bring more. There you are, trade and
capital. Now, are you bad?'
"'My young friend,' said Alfred Ricks, holding up his hand, 'have
you robbed this bank? Dear me, dear me!
"'You can't say that,' said Bassett." 'Robbery' sounded harsh.
All I had to do was find out where it was on the street. The city was so
quiet I could stand on a corner and hear the glass clicking
at that safety lock - "right 45; left twice to 80; once and for all to 60;
left 15" - like Yale's orders to the captain on the plains
in soccer dialect. 'Now, boys,' said Bassett, 'it's an early start
Town. They told me all the citizens and stirred before
daylight. I asked, and they said, because breakfast was ready
then. What kind of Happy Robin Hood? It must be the Yoicks! And
With a chorus of 'Hands On'. I want your shares. What exactly do you want?
Say it. Capital.
"'My dear young friend,' said the yellow rat, which was a Ricks,
standing on his hind legs and acrobatic nuts in his paws, 'I've got
friends who'll help me in Denver. If I had a hundred dollars, I'd - '
"Bassett unpins the currency encapsulation and throws five 20-something
Ricks.
" 'Trade, how much?' He said to me.
"'Put your money away, labor,' one said: 'I never asked for honesty to be drawn
by a hard-won pittance. What I got was a surplus of dollars
It was burning damfools and ding-dongs in my pockets. When I stood on a street corner and sold a solid gold diamond ring to Yap for
$3.00, I offered it for just $2.60. I knew he would give it to a girl
At all one ring for $125.00 got the benefit in return. His
profit was $122.00. where are we the biggest ascetics?'
"'When you sell a poor woman a pinch of 50 cents to sand
she stays away from the exploding lights,' said Bassett, 'what character are you that she
grosses will, at 40 cents a ton? Sandy'
"'Listen,' said one, 'I taught her to keep herself clean and good lights
filled. If she does not say can not be ruptured. With Sandy also she
knows it can't, she don't worry. It is an industry
Christian Science. She pays 50 cents and gets both Rockefeller and Mrs.
Eddie at work. It's not everyone can get the Gold Dust
twins to do their job.
"Alfred Ricks all but Bill Bassett licked the dust off his shoes.
"'My dear young friend,' he said, 'I shall never forget your
generosity. Heaven will repay you. But let me entreat you to open
from the ways of violence and crime.
"'Mousie,' said Bill, 'in the holes for your siding. You
Dogmas and inculcations sound to me like the last word in bicycle
pumps. What noble moral depredations do you have, Elevator Service Systems
bring you? Penuriousness and hope. Even Brother Peters, who
insisted on the contamination of the art of looting with the theory of
commerce, recognized him in the Lift. You both live
by the gilded rule. Brother peters,' said the bill, 'you'd better choose
This piece holds currency inside. You're welcome.
'I told Bill Bassett to put money in his pocket again. I have never
Had the respect of a burglar, some people. I always put
something for the money I attend, even if it's just some little thing
as a reminder in honor of reminding 'em not to get caught out.
"Then Alfred Ricks grovels at the Bill's stand up and we and bid
goodbye. He said he would have a team on a farm and drive down to the
station and take the Denver train. It's salubrified
When this regrettable atmosphere bell left his worm. He was a
disgrace to every non-industrial industry in the country. All
his big plans and fine offices have ended and he couldn't even get an
honest meal only by a strangely kind and perhaps unscrupulous
thief. I'm glad to see him, though I feel a little sad for
him, now that he is ruined forever. What can such a man do that does not
work with great capital? Why, Alfred Ricks, we left him, is
because of the isolation, because it was beyond help. He couldn't work out a plan
The victory over the one-cent slate a little girl with a pencil.
"When Bill Bassett and I were left alone at home I did a little juggling
Remembering that my head was turned with the ultimate trade secret in it. I thought to myself,
I will show the business and differences between this burglar Mr. Mann and
Labor. He hurt some of my casting professional self-promotion
based on the business and trade of the Persians.
"'I will not make this a gift of your money, Mr. Bassett,' said I.
He said: 'But if you wage, my travelling companion, until we fee
Out of the loss of the immorality of which you have caused the danger zone
of this city's finances, to-night, I shall have to.
"Bill Bassett agreed with this and we hiked west as long as we
could catch the train safely.
"When we got to a small town in Arizona called Los Perros I suggested
that we try our luck again on the red pottery. It was the home of
Montague Silver, my old coach, now retired from the business. I know
Monty will site me for shares of the money if I can prove that he flies buzz
'round the place. Bill Bassett said all the towns looked at him
Mainly because he had been in the dark. So we got off the train in Los
Peros, fine town in the Silverado area.
"I have a classy little way of affirming that the thing is commercial
slugshot, I'm going to hit Bassett behind the ear. I'm not
going to take his money while he's asleep, but I'm going to leave
his winning ticket, which will represent his experience
$4,755 - which I think was given to him when we got off.
But the first time I hinted at his investment, he opened me up
and disencumbers the following terms and expresses himself.
"'Brother Peters,' he said, 'it's a good idea to get into 1
enterprise of some sort, you suggest. I think I will. But if I did
It would be such a cold proposition, but no one Robert E. Pirri and
Cha Fairbanks would be able to sit on the board.
"'I thought you might want to put your money away,' one said
"'I,' he said, 'frequently. I can't sleep all night while I'm at it.
I tell you, brother Peters,' he said, 'I'm going to start a poker
room. I don't care what seems to be in the way of swindles, such as the plain
selling of eggs unrivaled and worked over breakfast foods and Barnum
Bailey's wood shavings set forth in the circus ring. But gambling
commercial,' he said, 'is a good
compromise between swiping cards at the Silver Spoon and selling penwipers
Waldorf Charity Bazar.
"'Then,' I said, 'Mr. Bassett, you don't care to negotiate my little
business?'
"'Ah,' he said, 'you know, you wouldn't be able to get to the Pasteur Institute
started within fifty miles of where I live. I bit so very little.
"So Bassett rents more than a one-bedroom room and expects some close
furniture and chromos. the same night I went to Monty Silver's house,
and he let me have $200 towards my future. Then I went to the house where I could only store
every deck
purchased at the Los Perros Sales Poker. The next morning when the store opened I was there to bring all
my cards back. I said that my partner was going back to
In the game I had changed my mind, and I wanted to sell the cards
Back. The store owner had 'em at half price.
"Yes, I was 75 dollars and lost until then. Even though I
had cards every night, I was on one of every deck. It was
labor. Then trade and commerce had its Inings and bread me
He called the waters cast to begin the return in the form of bungalows
Budding wine juice.
"Of course, I was one of the first to buy chips for the game of Bill Bassett.
He bought the only card there would be in the town, and I knew
Each of them knew more about the back of my head than I did a back
When I showed my barber haircut two mirrors.
"When the game was over and I had 5,000 and some multis,
Bassett all Bill had been a stray black cat and he
Bought the mascot. Bill shook my hand when I left.
"'Brother Peters,' he said, 'I shouldn't be in business. I
am doomed to labor.' When thief No. 1 tried to take James
from his mike, he committed improfundity. you have a well-oiled
and efficient system of luck cards,' he said. 'Peace be with
you. After that, I never saw Bilbasset again. "
*****
"Well, Jeff," I said, when the Autolycan adventurer seemed to have
revealed his tale "Spirit, I hope you're taking care of the money out.
It's going to be a respecta - it's quite a bit of working capital, and if
you should choose to someday be able to settle down to some sort of regular
business. "
"Me?" Jeff said, cumulatively. "You can bet there are five
million people I take care of. "
He appointed his chest-area coat a frown.
"Gold mining shares," he explained, "every penny. The shares have a par value of
1 dollar. It's sure to go up 500 percent. in a year. Non
Taxed. Blue gopher mine. Just discovered a month ago. Better
Make your own if you don't have extra dollars on hand. "
"Sometimes," I said, "these mines aren't - "
"Oh, this one's solid, as the old goose says. "Jeff. "Half a million
Dollars worth of mines in sight, and ten percent. Monthly income
guaranteed. "
He drew the long envelope from his pocket and cast it on the table.
"Always carry it with you," he said. "So thieves can't damage or
break the capitalism and water. "
I looked at the stock beautifully engraved certificate.
"In Colorado, I see," I said, "and, by the way, Jeff, what on earth is the name of the
man's little who went to Denver - the one you and Bill met
station? "
"Alfred Ricks," Jeff said, "is the title of Toad."
"I see," I said, "the President Ben Mining Company marks itself
Cropper Fredericks. I want to know - "
"Let me see, stock, said, "Jeff quickly, almost grabbed it from
me.
To alleviate even the slightest embarrassment I summoned the
waiter and ordered another bottle of Barbera. I thought it was the
least I could do.
______________________________________________________________________
I think those are the ones!