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One of my visitors has been taking care of her elderly father for years. However, my father is very stubborn, insisting on living in his old house and unwilling to live with his children. No way, she and several brothers and sisters can only take turns to visit his father's house. Once, she and her husband took their children out for the summer vacation and had to leave for a few days. It happened that several other brothers and sisters were busy and had no time to visit the old man. As a result, when she came back from her trip, she found that her father had died at home for many days because of accidental head injury and excessive blood loss. My visitors are in constant sorrow and remorse, unable to forgive other brothers and sisters for their dereliction of duty, which has been difficult to calm down for many years.
My other visitor is a father who has no father. His 13-year-old daughter died in an accident. He was a driver that day, and her daughter was not wearing a seat belt in the passenger seat. When he mentioned his daughter, his heart ached: "I wonder, what does she want to say to me?" I wonder if she will blame me. It's all my fault. I hurt her. "
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Yes, the loss of loved ones is an eternal pain in our hearts. What we can do is not to erase the memory of them, but to make this kind of pain less, let ourselves gradually calm down and continue our lives. After all, there are so many people who love us and care about us, so we should try our best to take care of ourselves.
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So, what can we do to help us alleviate the grief after losing our loved ones? We can refer to the following five points:
1. A beautiful funeral is of great significance to soothe grief.
Since ancient times, funerals have been an important way for us to deal with sadness. At the funeral, we gathered all our relatives and friends to cherish the memory of the deceased, comfort each other's grief, have a final emotional exchange with the deceased, and express our love, gratitude, apology and farewell to the deceased.
In a way, the funeral means more to the living than to the dead.
The father who lost his daughter mentioned above gave his daughter a funeral like a wedding. The whole auditorium was decorated with pink and white flowers and balloons, and my daughter was lying in the middle in a pink veil. Father says pink is his daughter's favorite color. In this life, he has no chance to see his daughter's wedding, so he will give her the most beautiful funeral. She is a child who loves beauty, and she should be beautiful even if she goes. She will know that she will always be her father's princess and his father will always love her.
And visitors whose father died before. She collected photos and videos of her father before his death, and asked a professional production team to make a film with music, which was played at his funeral. He also collected and sorted out his father's paintings and calligraphy works before his death, printed hundreds of copies and gave them to relatives and friends who came to attend the memorial service. Besides, I also invited my father's friends to write elegiac couplets and epitaphs for him. She said that her father was an old-school intellectual and lived a lofty life. Only such a funeral full of cultural flavor can be worthy of her father's life.
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A funeral is nothing more than saying goodbye to the dead. But the meaning to the living is much richer and deeper. The moral of a beautiful funeral is: "Only in this affectionate way can we express our love for the deceased. When the deceased feels this love, they can bid farewell to this world without regrets. Only when you know that the deceased has no regrets can you say goodbye to him with peace of mind. "
An elaborate funeral is of great significance to alleviate the grief of the living. On the contrary, if the deceased can't get a good burial, it will be a great harm to his family who love him deeply.
2. Talking and seeking companionship are the most important ways to relieve sadness.
We often think that funerals are the sad end. After the funeral, everyone should dry their tears and move on with their lives. However, for the families of the deceased, the end of the funeral is the real beginning of loneliness and sadness. During the funeral, everyone can get together, comfort each other, talk to each other and enlighten each other. After the funeral, there is only endless loneliness and missing, which we silently bear.
Sometimes, we are afraid of talking because we find it difficult to talk to others. This kind of talk is an interruption, others will comfort themselves repeatedly and will add trouble to others. Moreover, always mentioning sad things will affect others' mood. Over time, others will think that we are full of negative energy and want to stay away.
Sometimes, we dare not mention sadness at home. The death of the deceased seems to be a taboo in the family. In order to protect each other, the family members are afraid of thinking of each other's sadness, so they tacitly suppress their feelings, pretend to have forgotten them and never mention them again. Sometimes, if children don't want to talk about it, they will soon be suppressed by adults, as if afraid that this kind of sadness will spread among people at home again.
In fact, this kind of repression is the biggest harm to us. Talking is the most important way to relieve sadness. We humans need repeated dialogues to digest all kinds of contradictions, injuries and conflicts in our hearts.
We mentioned in lesson 7 that we are willing to talk with others about events that arouse our strong feelings. Maybe we'll get excited when we talk to people at 1. We may talk for two or three hours. Then we talk to the second person, the third person and the fourth person, and you will find that the time we talk each time is getting shorter and shorter. When we talk about the eighth and ninth kinds of people, you will find that you can't stand two or three hours at all. You can finish it in five minutes 10 minutes. And your mood is not as excited as it was then. Why is this? Because in the process of telling, your heart has gradually digested the emotions and effects brought by this traumatic event.
Therefore, for such a serious traumatic event as the loss of a loved one, we need to talk repeatedly in order to slowly digest and alleviate the harm and influence caused by this trauma.
Therefore, we really need to get up the courage to go out and spend more time with our relatives and friends. Don't take sadness as a taboo and dare not mention it in front of others. Because this kind of sadness is a common wound among relatives and friends, and everyone needs to deal with it. We can try to express our grief and yearning bravely, find a person who is willing to accompany and comfort us, remember the deceased with us, help us share our thoughts and sadness, and help us complete our farewell to the deceased.
In addition, if conditions permit, you can also seek the help of social support groups. For example, I know that some psychological institutions are organizing grief counseling groups to help people with similar grief get together, warm each other, comfort each other, talk to each other and support each other. Even extended to life, the members of the group became very good friends after consultation.
3? Looking for contact with the deceased:
This is mentioned in lesson 7. In the face of the death of our loved ones, it is difficult for us to emotionally accept the separation and separation from them. So we need an emotional bond, or spiritual sustenance, to keep in touch with them in some imaginary form and communicate spiritually, which will bring us great comfort, companionship and support. It's like the dead are still in our hearts, bit by bit, and it takes a long time to get out of sadness.
There are many ways to keep in touch with the dead.
One of my visitors told me that he kept in touch with his dead children by keeping his belongings. He kept the pillow towel and worn clothes that the child slept in before his death, and he was reluctant to wash them off. He said the smell of the child's hair and skin was still on it. Every time he thinks about his children, he smells them with his arms, as if the children were still around. He will talk to these relics gently, just like talking to a child.
Another tourist of mine told me that he has been carrying her photo with him since his partner died. Put it on the table when eating, put his chopsticks beside it, and chat with him while eating. Take him with you when you go for a walk in the park. Put the photo on the bench and let him bask in the sun with you. Sometimes I send messages to him on WeChat and occasionally send messages to myself on his mobile phone. He said that this often makes him feel that his partner is still around and has never really left.
Keeping emotional contact with the deceased can help us reduce loneliness and sadness. We can also talk to the deceased in our hearts and ask him if she is happy and satisfied with our present state. What does he want us to do, how to live, and what kind of mental state does he want us to spend the rest of our lives?
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17-year-old girl Cheng Cheng just went to college and died of sudden cancer. Cheng Cheng's mother specializes in makeup and appeared in a dress at the commemoration of the first anniversary of her death. My mother said, "After Cheng Cheng died, I was so desperate that I wanted to go with her. But one day, I looked at her photo and suddenly heard her talking. She said,' Mom, you should cheer up and live happily. I don't want you to cry, I want to see you smile. "The love affair's mother said," From that day on, I decided. I want to live well and work harder than before 100 times. In this way, when I leave and go to that world and meet Cheng Cheng, I can calmly say to her,' Cheng Cheng, mom tried her best. Did mom do well? Are you satisfied? "
Yes, many times, other people's comfort is useless. Only the expectations and wishes of the deceased can cheer us up again. Only love for the dead can inspire us to work harder and live more actively.
4.？ Get rid of guilt and set yourself free.
As I mentioned in the seventh lesson, almost every sad visitor mentioned his guilt to me. I always feel that if I had done something, maybe the deceased would not have died. Some even think that the death of the deceased was caused by themselves.
But, in fact, we forget that each of us has no ability to know the past and predict the future. You didn't know this would happen, so you couldn't stop it. The occurrence of the whole thing, in retrospect, is often so unexpected, so sudden, but after careful aftertaste, it will be shocked, so inevitable.
Many visitors mentioned this so-called "inevitability" to me, and they said that it felt as if there was a force arranging for it.
Huanhuan, a three-year-old girl, climbed onto the windowsill while her grandmother was out shopping and accidentally fell from the sixth floor and died. In the consulting room, Huanhuan's mother told me that Huanhuan usually takes a nap from 2 noon to 4: 30 pm, which has been so regular for three years. Every day grandma goes out to buy food when she falls asleep, and goes home when she doesn't wake up. Never had a problem. Children are also very well-behaved and obedient, and rarely make noise.
However, on the day of Huanhuan's accident, everything was abnormal. Before going to work in the morning, Huanhuan was so noisy that both parents were not allowed to go out. During the day, she kept crying, and all her favorite snacks could not coax her. Grandma was worried that the child was not feeling well and called her father. Dad promised to take the children to the hospital this afternoon. Children are also noisy when they take a nap. They usually go to bed at 2 o'clock and don't fall asleep until 3 o'clock that day. After that, grandma called dad to confirm that he had arrived at the gate of the community before going out to buy food. Who would have thought that dad was caught in a traffic jam at the gate of the community, and the time was delayed, while grandma just went out 10 minutes, and the tragedy happened.
Huanhuan's mother said that if you think about it carefully, every detail of that day seems to be destiny takes a hand. I am not busy at work on weekdays, and I often don't go to work in the morning. But it happened that I had an important meeting in the morning. Dad came to take the children to see a doctor and drove to the door of the community. Suddenly, the front car stalled and couldn't start, and it was stuck in the middle of the road. Grandma thought, dad went upstairs in two minutes, and went out before long. Everything happened so coincidentally, as if it were arranged in advance. In retrospect, it was flawless.
Sometimes, if we are willing to see the inevitability behind these accidents and so-called fate arrangements, we may be able to let go of ourselves and accept things as they are. After all, our strength is too small in the face of life and death. We really can't foresee and change anything. We should adapt to it, forgive it and let time slowly heal our pain.
5. Seek the transfer of psychological energy
If we focus on sadness, it is difficult for us to get out of it. Therefore, we need to seek the transfer of psychological energy to help us shift the focus of life from sadness to the real world.
So, how to realize the transfer of psychological energy? According to my clinical observation, there are two methods that are used more and have better effects.
1 method is to find emotional compensation for the deceased. Note that what we are talking about here is not substitution, but compensation. Because the deceased is our beloved, our love for him is unique, and no one can replace him. So we can only find one person to compensate our feelings for him.
For example, we often hear that parents who lost their children later had another child. Some couples who don't have fertility conditions will choose to adopt children or keep pets. Some children who have lost their parents will recognize michel platini or their godmother.
These are actually seeking an emotional compensation, transferring or continuing the love for the deceased to others, even pets. This kind of emotional compensation is very effective for the relief of grief, which can really provide us with emotional support at the realistic level and help us better return to real life.
The second way is to continue the sense of meaning of the deceased. To put it simply, it is to satisfy the wishes of the deceased, do what he recognized and felt meaningful after his death, and continue his sense of meaning before his death.
I saw a social news some time ago. A 4 1 year-old female doctor in Zhejiang died of sudden illness, and her family decided to donate her organs. Her father said that my daughter is a doctor and has been saving people all her life. I believe that if donating organs can save more people, it must be her wish. As a father, being able to fulfill her wish can be regarded as doing something for her.
Also, I once knew a breast cancer patient. After her illness, she joined a patient-friendly public welfare organization. As a caring volunteer, she helped other patients selflessly. She often publishes knowledge about breast cancer treatment on Weibo, which attracts the attention of tens of thousands of netizens. Later, after her death, her family took over her Weibo account, and her husband and two daughters, together, continued to do public welfare in her name and provide high-quality popular science content for patients. They said that in this way, her life will continue in the hearts of her patients.
The continuation of this meaning can not only help us get rid of sadness, but also bring us a great sense of value and meaning. In our hearts, we will also have a deeper understanding and connection with the deceased.
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In addition to the above five methods, we can also refer to the content of the second lesson "Life after Death", make an idea of the life of the deceased in another world, and find a ceremony to remember the deceased for life by writing letters, painting, making handicrafts, or music. You can also pay homage to the dead and express your grief through traditional festivals such as Tomb-Sweeping Day and Mid-Autumn Festival.
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Finally, we need to understand that we humans really don't have a quick solution to this emotion. However, time is a good medicine, and we can only work hard and wait, hoping that in the long river of time, our sadness will gradually fade away and calm down.
It's only a matter of time before people die. The child's leaving first means that his life is over. Without a banquet that never ends, the intersection between people can't last forever. You should dare to accept the reality, try to let the child complete his unfinished wish and go where the child has not gone. All human activities can be said that all emotions are deceived by the brain. Seeing may not be believing. The death of the child you saw may be another form of his existence. He may only be in the fourth dimension. He can see you, but you can't see him, because our brain can only feel three-dimensional space, so try to live the life of a child and live the life he yearns for, which may be what he can see and feel. Nothing can replace it from now on. Why not turn this sadness into feeling the joy of the world with your children, hoping to help you?
Seeing this problem, my heart is aching. Can I hug first?
A child can walk from birth, call us mom and dad, go to kindergarten, and learn. . .
We accompanied him through too many miles.
This is definitely not a question of coming out, but a process of nostalgia, tolerance and acceptance.
First of all, I want to say a simple psychological concept PTSD here.
PTSD is a post-traumatic stress disorder.
The departure of relatives will lead to the occurrence of this psychological disorder.
There are three core symptoms of PTSD, namely, traumatic re-experience symptoms, avoidance and numbness symptoms, and increased alertness symptoms.
1. Trauma relives symptoms
Mainly manifested in thinking, memory or dreams, nostalgia for children's situation or content emerges repeatedly and involuntarily, and serious or even traumatic events seem to happen again.
2. Avoidance and numbness symptoms
The main manifestations are long-term or sustained efforts to avoid events or situations related to trauma experience, refusal to participate in related activities, avoidance of the location of trauma or people or things related to trauma, and some patients even have selective forgetfulness and can't recall the details of events related to trauma.
3. Symptoms of increased alertness
The main manifestations are excessive vigilance, increased shock response, and may be accompanied by inattention, irritability and increased anxiety.
4. Other symptoms
Some of them can also show addictive substance abuse, aggressive behavior, self-injury or suicide behavior, which are often the manifestations of patients' psychological and behavioral coping styles. At the same time, depressive symptoms are also common in many PTSD patients.
The death of a loved one is heartbreaking, so stay with them as much as possible. I'm not suggesting that you should be forced not to think about it. Instead, you can leave beautiful memories to remember slowly, do not suppress your uncomfortable emotions, cry, and constantly find someone to talk to, so as to vent your inner sadness.
It will be difficult to go out or travel a long way, but it may be that children have given us such a fate. Wish him a safe journey!
This trend of children has really hit parents hard. Because the connection between parents and children is natural, and this connection has established a very deep emotion in it.
If you want to get out of this pain, you can refer to the following points.
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1. Accept the fact that the child has passed away and face it bravely. Because only by facing this fact bravely can you really open your heart.
2. Psychologically, you can use the secondary sensory elements and this subconscious communication and hypnosis to minimize the pain and pain of this memory. If you have a psychology teacher or friend around you, I can help you.
3. Finding your center is to find your hobbies, that is, what you like to do, and then what to do, so that when you are doing what you like very much, your intrinsic value will gradually rise, and this kind of pain will be less and less.
Find your own circle of friends, don't stay at home or anywhere alone, stay with friends and express your pain and inner feelings. In this way, your mood will get better and better, and the more you can control your emotional state.
First, reflect on yourself first, because everything has a cause and effect, and how much responsibility I have for this incident.
Second, after finding the cause and effect of things, repentance is inevitable, but repentance can't solve the problem, because we still have to live, and we still have to live well.
Third, solve the problem, but how to solve it, ask for the outside, comfort others, ask for the inside, repent and change yourself.
Fourth, to understand a problem, death is simple, but it is difficult to live. Nine times out of ten, life is unsatisfactory, but it is everyone's wish to yearn for a better life, so we must solve and abandon the problems that have already happened in order to have a better start.
Fifth, when I understand the ins and outs of things, we will immediately change ourselves and start over, because if you can't die, you will live to be envied by others.
The pain of losing a child is convincing. So, it's normal to be sad, but life goes on …
Suggestion:
1. Try to stay with your close relatives and friends in the short term. If they are allowed to live together, they will live together for a while.
2. Find what you think you like to do. It must be something you like, curious and willing to do.
3. Life should be regular. From getting up, eating, studying and working, you can prevent physical decline.
4. Take an active part in various collective activities. For example, square dance, community activities …
5. Face the reality and clear your mind. Redesign your life. ...
6. Learn to adjust the mentality and reduce the psychological shadow.
Time is the best regulator. With the change of time, the mind will slowly heal the wound. It is very important to cherish …