What makes our hearts beat? What is it that makes it throb? Is it a look from him/her that takes away our heartbeat? Does it beat because of anticipation of something or fear of something coming? Or is it a normal reaction caused by intense exercise? Maybe I get each one of them! Every time I participate in my class's pre-language arts presentation, my heart beats extra fast. It's the anticipation and care I have for my speech score, and the nervousness and fear I have because I don't know what my classmates will say about my speech.
With a week to go before my speech, my speech begins to compete with my studies for time. Growing up learning language arts, I always had high expectations for my speech scores. I wanted to be unique and show off my talent on my speech. However, it's been a while since I practiced language arts, and it's possible that I may have lost a little bit of grace in the class compared to the other students who were more articulate in their speeches or who had a beautiful voice. So it's not necessarily good to care too much! Unfortunately, I still poured too much effort and expectation into carefully selecting a poem to recite that suited my style. So much so that my heart was racing and I started taking deep breaths several classes away from the presentation.
Throughout the entire history class, my hands were propped up on the desktop, chin in hand, meditating, wishing that language class would come soon, that this time of tormenting my mind would speed up and flow away, and wishing again that I would have more time to memorize my script, to perfect my speech, and to percolate my feelings. And the teacher stared at this distracted me again and again, watching my heart panic even more. Scene after scene of walking up to the podium and standing in front of everyone appeared before my eyes, making me dizzy. I even felt like the deer in my arms was triple jumping around the playground. I expressed my feelings at that moment by grasping my friend's hand with my cold hand, and it was as if she heard my pounding heartbeat as well, giving me sincere encouragement and support.
With a round of applause, I stepped up to the podium, my feet and thoughts seeming to be out of control due to my racing heart. It's a hard feeling to believe. But seeing the familiar, sincere faces on the stage, hearing my heart and breathing calmly going on, I adjusted and set my mind to play.
Living in the busy waves of the city, can you leave some space for yourself to feel your heartbeat? Until that day, you too will see the beauty that hangs in your memory.