In my work contact with a lot of readers to complain or ask for help, well, almost all of them are like this, or couples each have their own lover, this is a common phenomenon, so you do not need to be particularly aggrieved.
There are a lot of women out there who are just as troubled as you are.
There are even a lot of men out there who are just as upset as you are.
The problem is the same in both ancient and modern times, and it is not a problem that exists only today! Nor is it only in China!
The kids won't let me leave, and I don't want to - so don't make a scene, and don't even worry too much about it.
First of all, there's no point in making a scene.
What do you want?
What do you get out of making a scene?
Right.
Secondly, the kids know about it, you know about it, your husband acquiesces to it, the whole family acquiesces to it.
You're just afraid that people "out there" will laugh at you if they find out.
Actually, as I said earlier, many people "out there" are doing the same thing, the difference is just that they don't know about it.
So it's important to note that no one has the right to laugh at you.
It's the couple's own business.
The couple can decide for themselves in what way they want to continue their marriage, as long as they themselves want to.
Now, obviously, you don't want to. Right?
You say, after thirty years as a couple, I'm choosing to put up with it for the sake of my children's reputation - this is not necessary.
By thirty years of marriage, the children are adults and have families.
They have their own lives and don't need you to put up with it for them.
Whether you are willing to divorce or continue, the choice is yours.
If you don't divorce, don't worry too much about your husband.
From your account, your husband just wants to have a wife and a concubine, and has no more other plans.
The fact that he pays his salary in full and is willing to do the household chores means that he doesn't want to abandon you or break up the family.
Even if it is back to the old society, he is to take you as the first wife, outside that is the second wife only, this order is his choice.
Actually, most men will not divorce for the sake of someone outside, are able to live so, unless the outside that must legally give birth to a child, involving the inheritance and distribution of property, will come out a bunch of things.
This way you know that marriage is actually used by men to protect the inheritance rights of their biological children, not to protect your relationship with him or to protect your interests.
You have to earn what you want.
Can he cheat for the rest of his life - yes, physically, until he can't get it up; mentally, until he doesn't love that person, but there may be someone else out there.
Are you going to stay unhappy?
Or do you want to wait until he "comes around", until he is touched by you?
I don't think so, at most he thinks, when he is too old to walk in life can be taken care of by you just, take you as a nanny do not pay.
People always need emotional support.
Will you be able to rely on your husband or your children? Or do you find someone else? Or on a hobby?
Some people may say, you don't have a job if you find a job to do, or to learn something, to develop some elegant hobbies, such as piano, chess, calligraphy and painting, flower arranging and tea ceremony, learn Tai Chi, participate in book clubs, the elderly college, and so on; and then you can also square dance, go out with his girlfriend to travel, participate in the college classmates, high school classmates, junior high school classmates, elementary school students, kindergarten classmates, or believe in Buddha, participate in public welfare, and then go to the party, and then go to the party. Or believe in Buddhism, participate in public welfare activities, and so on.
All of the above is actually a call for you to divert your attention.
These methods are somewhat useful, and the degree of usefulness depends on the degree of your commitment.
What might be more practical for you is to find yourself a lover.
So for you, you should go and find your own life, don't depend on your husband and kids for your happiness.
A final reminder, no matter who you settle your sex life with, you have to pay attention to hygiene and disease prevention.
Your husband has someone outside, you have to pay attention to hygiene as well.
There are some STDs that the man won't have an attack, but will carry a virus that can easily be passed on to a woman.
Wishing you a speedy relief from your troubles.