I understand your feelings very well. You are too concerned about other people's attitudes and opinions. This is a situation that needs to be dealt with properly. It is best to do systematic counseling and implement the results of the counseling in your life practice. Now, I will send you Ellis' eleven unreasonable beliefs. You look at them against each other.
Eleven Unreasonable Beliefs and Reasonable Beliefs Caused by Ellis's ABC Theory
A and B were walking together on the road, and they ran into someone who knew them, but the other person didn't greet them and walked past them A thought to himself, "He may be thinking about something and not notice us; even if he saw us and ignored us, there may be some special reason for it." And B might3 have another opinion about this same thing: "He might have done it on purpose, just not wanting to pay attention to me, just looking down on me. What gives him the right to treat me like that?" Then both of them will have different emotional and behavioral reactions; the former may feel indifferent and continue to do what he should do, while the latter may be so angry that he can't calm down to do what he should do anymore.
In ABC theory, A refers to the evocative event, i.e., the thing that causes the emotional change; B refers to the individual's beliefs, i.e., his view, interpretation and evaluation of the event, which are born accordingly after encountering the evocative event; and C refers to the outcome of the individual's emotions and behaviors in the specific scenario. In the example told above, A refers to "a person who knows each other did not greet us after meeting us head-on"; A's thought is whether he might be thinking about something and did not notice us; even if he saw us and ignored us, there might be some special reason for it." B's thoughts were, "He might have done that on purpose, just not wanting to pay attention to me, just looking down on me. What gives him the right to treat me like that?" In the end, A's C is: continue doing what you should be doing; B's C is: get so angry that you can't calm down to do what you should be doing. From this example, we can see that people's emotional and behavioral response "C" is related to their thoughts and perceptions of things "B". Ellis believes that behind these ideas and opinions there are people's **** the same view of a class of things, which is the belief "B". The "B" held by A may be the belief of treating people with tolerance, while the "B" held by B may be the belief that "people must not treat me unjustly". If we hold on to certain irrational beliefs for a long time, when we are in a bad emotional state, it will eventually lead to mental illness.
This is the famous Ellis ABC theory
This leads to the following 11 irrational beliefs and rational beliefs
1, everyone must be absolutely loved and praised by their surroundings, especially by every important person in their life.
This notion is an illusion that is practically impossible to realize. Even the people who are important to you, such as your parents and teachers, cannot always have an attitude of absolute love and approval for you. If one holds this view, one may go to great lengths to please others in order to gain everyone's admiration, but the result is bound to be disappointment, dismay, and frustration. This is due to the fact that the inner self of the individual is too weak.
So: no matter what others think of you, you are valuable.
2. Whether an individual is valuable or not depends entirely on whether he is an all-powerful person or not.
This is a goal that can never be reached. While absurd on the surface is something anyone can see at a glance and scoff at, we think this way in practice all the time. This is because in real life, this idea takes on a different form. For example, if a wife wants her husband to be rich and powerful, but also wants her husband to be considerate of her, and to take care of the family and children, and the wife does not think there is anything wrong with her view, she thinks that her husband should have the ability to do all these things, but in reality it is very difficult to do so. Parents want their children to study well and get high grades, and they also want their children to be able to play the piano, dance, sing, do calligraphy or paint. All these ideas are often shared by all of us, and none of us thinks that this is too much, in fact, it is very much too much because we have this idea: I do not ask my child to be good at everything, but at least he should be good at studies, and at least he should be able to play the piano, dance, do calligraphy or painting. This is our misconception, which is wrapped up in the cloak of "I don't require my child to be good at everything", making us unaware of the all-around requirement we have for our children. In fact, we have narrowed down the concept of omnipotence, because we always live in our own small circle, so we don't think that the omnipotence in our small circle is the broader concept of omnipotence.
So: do the best you can with what you have, failure is a failure of effort, value is not compromised, and the process is sometimes more important.
3. There are some people in the world who are so evil and hateful that they should be severely condemned and punished.
There are no perfect people in the world, and there is no absolute right and wrong, good and bad, everyone can make mistakes, but only by virtue of blame and punishment will not help. The overreaction to the forces of evil is actually a result of the inner world being too weak. He cannot get rid of the horror of the evil forces within himself, and thus hopes that evil will be rewarded for evil.
So: just because someone has done something wrong doesn't mean that he is completely evil.
4. It would be a terrible thing if things were not what one wanted.
This kind of person can't face setbacks properly. There is not enough confidence in things, and there is not enough resistance, so the consequences of things made too pessimistic expectations.
So: things seldom happen as we hope, if we can change, try our best to change, if not, accept the reality.
5, people can not change their own pain and distress, because unpleasant things are always due to external environmental factors, not their own control and domination.
This is caused by extrapsychic attribution. Failure to recognize the factors at play in one's own perceptions, appraisals and internal speech of external events.
So: emotions are generated by one's perceptions, appraisals, and attitudes and can be changed and controlled.
6, avoidance of difficulties and responsibilities.
Evading problems is only a temporary reprieve from conflict. Problems will continue to worsen and create a chain reaction, eventually leading to more serious emotional distress. But many of us like to do so, because avoidance does allow our minds to be in a short-term "pleasure" state, this "pleasure" state is like an anesthetic can paralyze our nerves. We can always find "pleasure" in escaping again and again. The greater the pain we escape, the greater the "pleasure" we get, but the pain we will face next will be even greater, and such a vicious circle will go on and on and on, and when the pain is so great that we can no longer use the pain caused by escaping, the pain will be so great that we can no longer use the pain caused by escaping. When the pain is so great that it can no longer be resisted by the "pleasure" of avoidance, the whole person collapses.
So: no matter whether you are facing something good or bad, you have to face it squarely and take responsibility for it.
7. Worrying over nothing.
This is excessive worry about the future. Excessive exaggeration of the possibility of danger, so that people can not objectively evaluate and effectively face. Excessive worry about the future is in fact a reaction to a lack of confidence in the reality of the self. It is the fear that one will lose the good things of the present, and the fear that one is not capable of keeping the good things of the present.
So: try to avoid what might happen, and if you can't avoid it, try to mitigate the consequences.
8. A strong sense of dependence.
This is an exaggeration of the mutual dependence between people. Too strong a dependency mentality leads to a loss of self-independence, which in turn leads to greater dependence, which leads to a loss of the ability to learn and a sense of insecurity. The dependency mentality arises partly from an underestimation of one's own abilities, and partly from one's own irrational beliefs that one should be dependent on someone, such as a wife's belief that she should be dependent on her husband. One of the direct consequences of this strong dependency mentality is to blame people for everything. Strong dependence inevitably results in resentment toward others, because when others fail to satisfy your dependence mentality, you feel victimized, and you feel that what you should have received from others, others have not given you. You then feel that others owe you. This inevitably leads to conflict between you and the person you are dependent on.
So: we want to live independently, but not reject the help of others.
9. A person's past experiences and events determine his present behavior, and this influence cannot be changed.
A prominent manifestation of this is that when there is a conflict, one party always likes to say: "I am such a person, I am such a temper, I am like this". Or we always comment on the other side: "like him this kind of person ......, dead dog drag not to the south wall". This is actually looking for material from the past to cope with real problems. When we face a sudden blow or injury or conflict, we may not be able to find a good solution, and make a lot of inappropriate behavior and emotions, and the facts prove that these behaviors and emotions are wrong, but our self-defense mechanism so that we have to find a "reasonable" explanation for their own behavior and emotions. But our self-defense mechanism makes it necessary for us to find "reasonable" explanations for our wrong behaviors and emotions, and the only reasonable explanations seem to be "I am the way I am" and "I have always been the way I am and will always be the way I will be".
So: past experiences have a limited effect on the present, and we can change things by working on them.
10.A person should care about other people's problems and grieve and be saddened by them.
By caring too much about other people's problems, one may neglect one's own problems and, as a result, throw one's own emotions out of balance, which ultimately results in not being able to help others but making one's own problems worse. The motivation for over-helping others is obvious, and is an application of the anti-Golden Rule: If I help you, you should help me. His deeper motivation for helping others is to pray for something in return, or at the very least he prays for a safe and stable living environment. Because he himself believes that he is currently incapable of dealing with the reality of his problems, he puts his hope in others, and then believes that I helped you today, and when I am incapable of solving my problems tomorrow, you should come and help me. Instead of focusing on improving his problem solving skills, he puts his hopes on the rewards he will get by helping others. In fact, if you help others, they will not necessarily come to your aid when you are in distress, because you are applying the "anti-golden rule". So you are often faced with the fact that your own quality has not improved, and those you have helped do not come to your aid when you are in need. Then you are in this time is quite painful, you will lament the world of cold, human indifference. In fact, the root cause of the problem still lies in yourself. The most effective way to solve the problem is to focus on yourself, enhance your ability and self-confidence, and fully tap your existing resources and potential.
So: our ability is limited, just try to help them.
11, for every problem in life, there should be a single correct answer, if you can not find the answer will be painful for a lifetime.
This is a dualistic concept of white or black, either right or wrong, no "gray area" of the problem, easy to see the knowledge as an unchanging truth. They cannot compare different theories and methods to find effective solutions to problems. They do not have their own position and point of view when analyzing the problem, can not be combined with their own actual situation of specific problems and specific analysis, and can not realize that two opposite points of view may be correct, because each person's starting point is different.
So: we try to find ways to solve problems, but don't demand perfection.