I have two older brothers. Like most people's expectations, I hope that I am a happy sister, pampered by my elder brother, and grow up happily under the care and love of my brother. It's just that my two brothers not only didn't let me get an enviable happy life, but once became my shame and even pain.
I don't know when they started, but they often stole money from their mother, stealing the money to support the family's life to play games or do other bad things. When they entered junior high school, they often skipped classes, and fights and brawls were commonplace. My mom used to look for them all over the village, and my grandma used to hear a lot of complaints from them. I was sick and tired of their behavior, and even thought they were really hateful. But I could do nothing but watch. I hated them and never said a word to them. Mom often hung them up and beat them for losing money, but they refused to admit that they had stolen money. At that time, I often saw my mom beating them up, but they refused to admit what they had done even though they had been beaten to the bone. At that time, I was weak and cowardly, I was afraid of my mother's anger, and in my heart I wanted to dig out my brothers' hearts to see who was telling the truth and who was telling lies. Because of my brothers' behavior, no matter how much they swore, I could not believe them. I clearly remember my senior year of high school, my mother had just died not long ago, the family was exceptionally difficult, the only thing I had was a few hundred dollars that I had saved up since I was a child. One day my second brother asked me to borrow money, and I couldn't bear to do it, so I told him my card number and password. Although he said he would only lend me part of the money, I was scared for the whole morning. At noon, when I suddenly thought that I might lose the only money I had because of him, I was so scared that I cried loudly in the classroom, which was the first time in my life that I couldn't control myself in front of others. At that time I made up my mind that I would go to college, go far away to a place where there was no shadow of them at all, and set aside all relations with them. I don't want to have such a brother anymore, even thinking about it in my mind is unbearable.
My brothers didn't like to study and were always the butt of people's jokes, while I, on the other hand, worked hard at my studies with all my heart and soul, in order to get ahead and change my family's status in the village. I felt that I didn't have any **** same language with them, couldn't communicate and didn't want to have any communication with them. They smoked and drank while I just concentrated on my books and I thought we were two lines that never crossed.
After my mother's death, I thought they would get motivated, tighten up or change, and I hoped they would start to fight, yet they continued to sink, even more than before. I can't explain to my friends and family why none of my brothers have gone out to work even though they have long been adults, or why my brother was involved in one of the brawls or in one traffic accident or another.
For more than a decade, the only emotion I felt for them was disappointment and hatred. When people asked, I realized that I had never had a positive comment about them, not even a word, not even a thought. I thought that was all normal, that was all I could know about sibling relationships. I thought of the abnormal as normal and the normal as the exception. A decade in the confines of the same mindset, feeling justified in what I was doing, taking what I was doing for granted. That's how older brothers are supposed to be, and that's how they should be treated for all they're worth.
After I came to know God during college, I gradually learned that my thinking was wrong, and I began to understand that siblings are not always like that, and that it is not impossible to change such a relationship. I know that I can't change them, the only thing I can change is myself.
The process of change is hard. Whenever I wanted to be angry with them, when I was upset with them, I always remembered my decision to try to change, and I would slowly suppress my inner emotions, and I would think of them differently, and consider them with love. I tried very hard to carefully handle the awkwardness I encountered in this shift in relationship. Although my brothers and I are in the same city, but we do not see each other, do not communicate with each other, I never for their sake, gradually, I began to show them some of my concern, but this behavior sometimes let myself overwhelmed. After all, it's not easy to re-establish a close relationship after being strangers for so long.
One day last year, I thought about how strange it was that I hadn't seen Ergo or contacted him in such a long time, so I found a time to visit him. Although it seemed ordinary, it was already rare for me because it meant that I started to recognize them and accept them from my heart. Later, I would also tell him about my recent life, trivial things that happened, and such communication we had never even thought of before.
Later, my second brother said he wanted to visit me. So I went with my sisters in the same dormitory to buy food and cook for him. The meal wasn't exactly rich, but it was my concern and sincerity. I don't know how my brother felt about it, but I just wanted him to see the efforts I was making, to see the changes I had made since my conversion, and I hoped he could feel my sincerity.
When the New Year was approaching, my second brother quit his job and was ready to come home. Once again, he mentioned that he wanted to come to my place. So, as usual, I went to buy food again and prepared to cook to entertain him. Unexpectedly, when I opened the door for him, I found that he carried two boxes of fruits to me. I was really surprised and touched. Although my mouth flatly scolded him for buying too much, but my heart is very happy.
My brother's behavior touched me for a long time. I finally realized that they weren't really useless, and they didn't care about me at all, it's just that my brothers weren't very good at expressing their feelings or showing their emotions. If you want to get love, you must first learn to give love, and only when you work hard will you see results. If you want to be cared for, you must first learn to care for others, and if you want others to change, you should first change yourself. The Lord Jesus was humiliated, denigrated and indifferent throughout his life, but he never gave up his active love, and the power of that love made me see my own inadequacy, and see that I only blamed them for their indifference without ever thinking that I should care for them first. I finally realized that in my original thinking, I stubbornly believed that since they are the older brother, they should first care about me, first give love, if they did not give, do not want me to give for them. However, this kind of thinking is extremely selfish, whether it is to relatives or anyone around.
The change in my brother may not seem like much to others, but it is a big change for me. Though small, I am thankful and see hope. Every tune in life, every leap in life, is so vibrant and inspiring. We should all be thankful for the grace God gives us when we see small but real progress in our lives.