In the face of children's various challenges, I first patiently coaxed her, but when she didn't listen, I became agitated and anxious. When she continued to cry, I started yelling and reprimanding. If she continued, I couldn't help slapping my ass, then she cried, apologized and obeyed, and then I blamed myself and regretted it ...
Until last year, this cycle was often staged. What should we do? Where can I find the exit?
not bad! Trouble is bodhi.
For various reasons, I began to take various growth courses, from the first physical and mental lessons of yoga, to the universal wisdom of Buddhism, to Adler's individual psychology of positive discipline and Korean non-violent communication. I met many virtuous mentors and friends, and my sky suddenly opened up. Step by step, slowly, I learned a lot of very real insights. Among them, the one that helps me the most is:
All kinds of emotions that we can't control come from some experience that we had when we were young. Specifically, the emotions we gave birth to were not really seen by our mother (and the main caregiver, but the most important thing is our mother), let alone accepted, so the development got stuck here, forming a difficulty, or a stuck point. When we grow up, we only need to encounter situations similar to those when we were young. That untreated difficulty and sticking point will be drawn out, and our emotions will follow, and even some difficulties are too big, causing too much trauma. This trauma may be negative emotions such as fear, sadness, abandonment, unloved, and maybe great joy is not celebrated! In order to protect themselves and avoid such a big impact again, people will not let themselves feel all kinds of emotions, so they will look a little numb and indifferent on the surface.
so it is! ! !
after learning this part, I feel relieved a lot. Of course, it takes time to find out the root of my emotions one by one. The first step is to be aware of every emotional fluctuation. When I write here, I also think that the first article in Yoga Sutra is: Yoga is to control the fluctuation of mind, which I have never understood deeply before. Now I think what we ordinary people need to practice is to improve our awareness. Compared with a yogi who specializes in practicing, I am an ordinary person, and a yogi has a higher mission. )
back to the point, how to practice awareness?
One tool of positive discipline is active pause, that is, when there is a conflict, you can call yourself to stop, leave the situation for a while, let yourself calm down, avoid the escalation of the war, and deal with emotions first, then deal with things. The method provided by teacher Han is also to stop, and then you need to ask yourself: which one am I talking about? I want to ask myself a few more questions. What do I feel at this moment? Is it excitement, joy, sadness, fear, boredom and helplessness? ..... Why do I feel this way? What have I experienced in the past? Although I can't be aware of every moment at present, I have begun to practice like this and have a heated discussion with fellow initiates. In Jin Jie's words, it is already "in full swing"!
A lot of recent events have brought me many gifts. I'll choose one of them to talk about.
When my child is over four years old, she often gets angry with me. One night, before going to bed, she deliberately "finds fault" and yells at me, asking me to quilt her in a very fierce tone. First, I wonder, is she sleepy? I fell in love with her calmly, and I squatted down and said, You look very angry, don't you? Can you tell me what it is? She shouted "No", whined and broke things, and punched me with clenched fists. I said it seems that the little monster in your body is going to escape now, but you can't hurt me. Would you like to hit the sofa or the pillow? Like me. I demonstrated how to hit the pillow, but she was still there, still shouting fiercely, "You must make a quilt for me!" " After several rounds of going back and forth, I became impatient with her and yelled at her. Soon I noticed that my heart was blocked with gas. Let's deal with my emotions first. I told her: Mom feels helpless now. I want to be alone on the balcony for a while. Please don't bother me. I will be back in 5 minutes. (This is the active pause in positive discipline) So I got up and went to the balcony to take a few deep breaths, looked at the houses and trees in the distance, and then thought about why I was so upset. Could it be that I was frustrated that I had learned so much and couldn't teach my children well? If so, there is a presupposition: I should be a so-called good mother after learning so many parenting methods, so I can accept everything from my children, so once I don't handle it well, I will feel powerless and frustrated. In order to cover up my powerlessness, anger will be generated to make me look powerful, but this power is false and easy to be broken down, so I feel guilty and guilty … Is that right? Or was it that when I lost my temper as a child, I was not allowed by adults, and I was always a good boy in the eyes of adults? Let me assume that there are both. I thought back to the scene when I treated her emotionally when I was a child. Are all the accusations, impatience, yelling, beating, etc. out of a sense of powerlessness of "why can't I manage my children well?" I haven't finished thinking. I don't know after a minute, she came out and hugged my thigh, crying very sadly. I have calmed down a lot. Knowing that she just can't express herself and can only cry, I carried her into the room and wiped her tears. She leaned against my arms and continued to cry wronged. I stroked her back and kissed her forehead, and didn't want to say anything. I thought she had received my calm nonverbal signal, and then went to bed to talk about the picture book.
thank yourself! Just as the brain lid was about to open, I stopped, and I remembered to use active pause first to let the children see the effect. In fact, I don't need to rush to correct my behavior, let alone preach about you can't lose your temper, you should be obedient and polite, etc. How can I teach my children by example when I am emotional? Moreover, it's basically no use talking when the child is emotional. The child knows very well that this is not a popular behavior. Just like me before, she doesn't know how to express her emotions reasonably, or only by looking like "inappropriate behavior" can she attract more attention from adults. What I can do at this moment is to let the child see how I let my emotions flow out instead of holding them in my heart or coming out in the form of uncontrollable explosions. Take care of my emotions first, and then connect with the child.
I also thank Yueyue for the mirror, which shows me that I am actually like her. When I am weak, I will hide it with anger, pretend that I am very powerful, and be grateful for this awareness!
Although I have only learned a little at present, although the road to practice is very long, we are already on the road. Again, I am so lucky, grateful for your company and all the encounters!