My husband and I have been married for five years. When I first started dating, my sex life was normal and the frequency was quite high, about four times a week. But after marriage, the number of sexual intercourse is reduced to once a week and then once a month. In the third year of marriage, I had children. My husband is very kind to me and my children, and he cares about my family, but he just doesn't have any sex life. From very little frequency before pregnancy, it is basically once a year now. ...
I also asked him, and he said, "Busy, tired, no".
I'm only thirty years old. Should I give up such a asexual marriage? But he is very good in all aspects, and he is also very good to us, so he still has to endure it for the sake of the children. ...
? cyanine
cyanine
hello
The problem you are facing can be said that it was not built in a day. We have no simple way to answer whether to give up or not. However, talking about your needs and your relationship in a reflective and critical manner will inspire you to take the next step.
We can talk about it from the needs behind sex, the actions in the relationship, and how the husband and wife face it together.
Talking about sex on the surface is probably not sex; On the surface, we don't talk about sex. Maybe every sentence is about sex.
If you have seen the movie "Unselfish", you will see that some people can experience sexual satisfaction by massaging their ears; In the movie "Perfume", the hero experiences the climax with his sense of smell, but he is indifferent to the naked beauty.
If you have seen the movie "2046" and paid close attention to the flashback of the cloud, you will understand that in middle age, he "takes part in accidental amusement" every day, even having sex in the morning, in fact, in order to drive away the missing in his heart.
It can be said that when we talk about superficial sex, we are talking about what is behind it.
For men, it may be a sense of ownership, accomplishment, conquest, care and satisfaction, not just sexual pleasure.
For women, it may be intimacy, praise, integration, care and satisfaction, as well as sexual pleasure.
You mentioned the sexual satisfaction when you first fell in love, perhaps in addition to frequency, there are feelings of intimacy, freshness, enjoyment of youth and blood. The intimate action four times a week is a portrayal of this happy relationship.
The gradual reduction of sexual behavior in marriage is actually the reduction of sexual communication, intimate relationship and the feeling of nakedness and closeness to each other.
The reason given by my husband is "tired", which seems reasonable and can't find anything wrong. It is acceptable to say that fatigue is only one day; He said he was tired for a long time, but he didn't make any adjustment. It can be considered that he shows intimacy in avoidance and refusal, and the reasons for refusal need to be clear. But the result of rejection is that you are depressed, as if deprived of the right to be happy.
In other words, the sexual behavior that once brought pleasure has now become a hole in your pants, bringing shame and crisis to your relationship. This is a threat to your happiness and sense of value.
Only exploratory meaning can avoid action.
It is good that you can ask questions and face this dilemma in a way of thinking and discussion, which is also the starting point of mental improvement. Being able to experience troubles in your heart and make choices after rational thinking can help you avoid many irrational troubles.
? In reality, many people often go to extremes in the face of similar problems, either crying at home or finding another partner outside the family. Both of them belong to "seeing the move and dismantling the move", that is, they are not good at expressing themselves and can't communicate directly, so as to avoid the feelings that accompany them in their hearts.
When you see action, you may get temporary satisfaction in reality because you don't reflect and examine your inner conflicts and experiences from a rational perspective. However, one solution to this problem has nothing to do with mental development, and the other will be severely punished from reality. As the saying goes, a good time to cheat, and then the crematorium.
As mentioned above, when we talk about sex, we may be talking about the relationship behind sex. So, what about sexual deprivation?
It may be that he is dissatisfied with other aspects and punishes you with "refusing to invest", which is a kind of "passive attack" to deal with his anger;
Maybe he has a lot of anxiety about becoming a father. When he became a father, he felt that it was right to support his family, and it was right to support his family, so he could not enjoy his bed too much. This is the expectation of traditional society for his father's image.
It may be that he unconsciously put "excessive lust for sex" in his mind, which is roughly equal to "not cherishing essence and blood", so he turned off the function of enjoying sexual pleasure to protect physical and mental peace.
Of course, these are just some inferences. The relationship between you and his own experience needs further understanding and analysis.
Now, you have the courage to uncover this problem, start to understand and think, and find a reasonable method. But your husband hasn't stepped into the position of facing the problem yet. In other words, you have a strong motivation to improve the status quo, and his avoidance makes you feel frustrated again and again and enter a vicious circle. So "the wife takes the initiative and the husband avoids it" has become the first step for you to break this deadlock.
A more operational statement is: How to make him realize that "I really need this, we really need to face this problem, and don't perfunctory me with fatigue" has become a test of your self-esteem, sense of value and conversation skills.
Until this step is taken, nothing else is meaningful. Therefore, don't say whether it is forbearance or separation for a long time in the future. Let's first look at how to try to accommodate the topic of "sex" in your relationship.
Patience is the best helper in the face of sexual problems with her husband.
Inviting my husband to face the "sexual problem" with you, I think we need to prepare in three aspects. They are patiently talking about non-sexual topics, establishing physical non-sexual contact and accepting the predicament at this stage.
special
1, men are extremely sensitive to sexual performance, just like women are sensitive to sexual charm, and they need great patience to care.
You have been estranged from each other sexually in recent years, especially with children and work. To some extent, you have formed a balance and compromise. Now to uncover the potential crisis, we naturally need to be careful.
The first step is to share more positive experiences in daily families, talk about the time spent together, take care of each other, and gradually make the atmosphere romantic and intimate. Although it is difficult and circuitous, it is a necessary preparation to outline the atmosphere and enhance sexual desire.
Direct accusations and complaints about sexual performance are almost the most powerful "sexual saboteurs". I'm sure you already know, so I won't explain it much.
2. On weekdays, add some interaction in the non-sexy concentrated area and gradually transition to the sexy area.
Many couples have a common problem, that is, they don't hug at ordinary times, have zero physical contact, and don't participate in dancing, yoga and other activities when their children are inconvenient or for other reasons. Occasionally, I will have sex in a hurry, and even the foreplay feels redundant.
This is because two people don't make enough use of their bodies, don't communicate with each other's bodies enough, and pay too much attention to genitals.
When you are young, you can do this with good physical strength and passion. Passion fades, and only paying attention to the size of the local body can only increase the pressure on the other side.
Therefore, the "old couple" should first strengthen their physique, make full use of their own bodies, and then cultivate the ability to appreciate and care for each other's bodies.
3, accept each other's temporary sexual performance, help each other close to sensitive issues.
The more narrow-minded we are, the less we can see other possibilities to solve the problem.
Perhaps, your husband is caught in the thinking of "tired, there is no need to have sex"; And you're stuck in the mode of "we had sex once, but he didn't give it to me, and I'm unfortunate."
Accepting the various manifestations in the relationship, instead of looking at each other and this relationship with a single standard, can relax each other and expand the space for solving problems.
For example, "we are all doing well for the time being, but the physical contact is a little insufficient." I can understand that you are tired, but I hope to have a good talk with you and face how to arrange nightlife in the future. After all, life is still very long, and we can consciously manage the life we want. I'm curious, what do you want? "
As long as he can realize the problem of sex, he can't make do with it all the time, but he doesn't have to be overly anxious. He must "pay public food" immediately, so even if you open a frank face, you can calmly face the relationship problems behind sex.
Monday 20211011? evening