If we try to bring our husbands to join us in opposing our mothers-in-law, we will only turn our husbands into our enemies. The real effective way to think about this is "I have my own expectations, but I also understand my husband's difficulties, and together we can think about how to deal with this together.
The second step is to establish a united front with your husband and build a cooperative relationship.
First of all, we need to understand how difficult it is for our husbands to find themselves in the middle of the sandwich board with their mothers. When communicating with your husband about the impact of your mother-in-law, be as calm as possible and don't make personal attacks on your mother-in-law, otherwise you will inspire your husband to feel guilty about his own mother, which will trigger a defensive reaction, in turn, justifying your own mother.
The third step, *** with learning to gently but firmly clarify boundaries with your mother-in-law.
Clear boundaries often have to do with whether or not we give ourselves permission within ourselves to reject others. Fear of rejection often puts us in a bipolar reaction of either holding back or exploding. For example, if we are afraid to reject our mother-in-law over the smallest things in our habits, our negative feelings toward her can build up and then explode over one small incident.
The right thing to do is to say no in a very gentle way. You can always play a role-playing game between husband and wife, with one playing the role of the mother-in-law and the other feeling the emotions that come with saying "no" to her. The first thing you need to do is adjust your voice, tone and attitude, and then communicate with your mother-in-law in a way that makes the boundaries clearer and more natural.
The fourth step is to add a support system for your mother-in-law.
Supporting your mother-in-law when a conflict arises is more likely to free you from it. For example, make your in-laws' relationship better, take some of your mother-in-law's attention back from you as a couple, or let your mother-in-law have fun with her sisterhood, square dancing, etc. Think about what your mother-in-law enjoys and help her develop other relationships that meet her other needs.
Many relationship problems are caused by unclear boundaries, the mother-in-law inserted into the couple's life, the woman will feel that her mother-in-law is strong and domineering, taking away their own position in the family's "hostess", want to fight, and the man is sandwiched in the middle of the very difficult. At this time, he wants to get the woman's support and understanding, but the woman thinks, the man does not help themselves even if, only to avoid the problem, weak and incompetent. This time, often leads to serious emotional crisis. Good mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship is a kind of wisdom, but also a blessing for a family.