The voice of a middle-aged woman

I have been insomnia for many nights. Because I found that although I was over thirty years old, I never really lived for myself.

I'm not happy at all. I always cater to other people's joys and sorrows and give everything I can. And I am always busy, being a good daughter, wife, mother and daughter-in-law against my will.

But is this what I want? Is this the life I expect? Is this my heart? No, it's not!

I often have this idea in my heart, which is very clear, sober and self-centered.

But I never dared to show such an idea. I'm afraid of hurting my family. I'm afraid that once I pierce this paper in real life, everything I have will be disrupted.

People can't afford to lose, be poor or get sick in middle age, not to mention their inner needs. The life I want is unrestrained, comfortable and stable, and I don't need to consider other people's emotions, nor do I need to consider what I have done or said, so I will be belittled or opposed.

I'm completely free. I never compromise or cry. I have no endless housework, and there is no husband who never cares about me and turns a blind eye to me. I have no contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and I have no neurotic mother who is angered by rebellious children and becomes angry and complaining.

I am an elegant and beautiful woman with a high salary and a stable job. I have a room full of beautiful clothes and inexhaustible cosmetics.

I have a warm little home, which belongs only to myself. I can walk barefoot, dance, fart, paint my nails, roar and laugh in this house; You can also sit quietly in front of the window and stare blankly all day. I make myself a nutritious breakfast in the kitchen. Occasionally sleep in bed and let the afternoon sun shine on your face. I sat up and stretched, then closed the curtains and continued to catch up on sleep.

I belong to myself completely, and I can control my life. That's the real me, passionate and energetic. That is, I didn't give in because of my age or the hardships of life.

I often ask myself what I really want and what kind of life I want. What am I afraid of? What are you struggling with?

I am looking for an answer, but there is no answer. The days passed like running water, and I only heard the murmur of running water. It reminds me like a ticking clock that time is gone forever, but what can I change?

I keep reflecting on myself, am I not good enough, so I must accept my present life, even if it is boring, even if I don't want to, I must try my best to finish my present life?

As the saying goes, "you have to suffer to be a master." I don't want to be anyone. I just want my own space. Even if it's just pity, at least when I'm upset or sad, I can stay alone quietly, allow myself to cry, take a deep breath, look at myself in the mirror and cheer for her.

I'm not young anymore. Even if I use more cosmetics, I can clearly see the tiny wrinkles around my eyes. These are the marks left by time on my face. They are like the roads I have walked and the things I have experienced, and the scenes are piled up like a mountain.

I often carry them on my back, but I can't walk two steps and fall down. So, I put them down and climbed over them, which made me much more relaxed.

When I climbed the mountain, I found that I was no longer tired. My posture is light and comfortable. I am like a bird spreading its wings.

I'm free. I'm free. I finally understand that all the complaints are unnecessary, and those trivial and clueless haggle over every ounce, but I refuse to let go of my inner stubbornness and get along with myself.