I once loved you like this
A: In 1995, I fell in love with Pangayi.
That day he was brought into the classroom by his homeroom teacher, Zhang Yang, who said that our new classmate, Peng Gayi, had come from Qingdao. Before Peng Jiayi, I had such a slim impression of Qingdao, I even only knew that there was such a place in China, but after Peng Jiayi came, I lay down on the map every day and looked at Qingdao, a beautiful seaside city, once a German colony, with blue skies and white clouds, and I flipped through National Geographic, searching for any clues about Qingdao.
You see, I fell in love at first sight with this boy named Pangayi.
He was long and lean, reminding me of the text I learned long ago, "The Salute to the Poplar," where the poplars were also so erect and handsome, and he was thin at the corners of his mouth, which looked extra thin on that spring morning.
And his sword eyebrow and starry eyes, his seeming smile, the morning light that day was very good, in the split second when I looked up, he just saw me.
Was that smile for me?
My first heartbeat for a boy started with Pangayi.
I have to admit, no matter how many more years pass, how can a woman forget the man for whom her heart beat for the first time?
Because it was from that man that I started to look for the exit of love.
That early spring in February, I felt a shudder from the depths of my body.
And he spoke with such a magnetic voice, and when he was at the table behind me, I felt a warm gaze coming from my back, and I closed my eyes - and outside, spring was in full bloom, and the birds were singing.
We were five months away from the entrance exam then.
The school spirit of the first middle school is notoriously strict, boys and girls have to be separated from the table, not allowed to come and go, in more blunt words, boys and girls can not talk.
So I only had a crush.
He came, thirteen steps to my place, and then another step, to his place, first wiping the desk clean, and then gently sitting down, his footsteps, every time, in rhythm.
Even his breath was that different, subtle, with a male grassy flavor.
On the first practice test, he was so far ahead of the second-place finisher by as much as twenty-five points that he drove people crazy with envy. I do not have such a high IQ, only essay is a long item, mathematics, science and chemistry, I always hang red.
As my long portrait, the middle man's posture, and he stood together, more appear his handsome, my confused.
So the distance between us is 30 centimeters, but the distance of the heart is a thousand mountains.
But who can stop me from liking it? I liked it with such abandon that if he came in late, I would wipe the table clean for him. I'd be that upset if he took a vacation, I'd be nervous for him if he answered a question wrong.
On many a twilight, he would go and stand alone on the terrace, and I would watch him from afar, the wind blowing his white shirt like a dove.
By that time, the school already had a radio station, and my good friend Zhang Jieyi was the station manager there, and I once ordered a song called "Pink Memories" and gave it to him on his birthday, but of course, I can't say that I gave it to him, I just said that I gave it to a friend.
It is a very old song by Han Bao Yi, but in that early summer, my heart was like that simple and full of pink lyrics: summer summer quietly past, leaving little secrets, press the bottom of the heart press the bottom of the heart can't tell you, write you in the memory .......... That's really a pink memory, I fell in love with Yee's boy with thin and cool lips, and I still keep to myself and don't communicate with anyone, and in the eyes of my teachers, I'm a girl who's hard to communicate with.
I carried a long backpack, not with others like that with schoolwork, still writing novels, but in my heart, has been a thousand trees pear blossom.
Because the names in my diary are all one person.
Penggayi, Penggayi.
Do you know how much I love you!
B: After the end of the summer of 1995, Peng Gayi was admitted to Qingdao Ocean University, and I went to an ordinary financial institution in Shijiazhuang.
Since then, separated by a thousand mountains and ten thousand rivers.
There is a short message from him on the graduation book: "I wish you a bright future and live up to the years. The other students are not the same. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to get a good look at this, but I'm sure you'll be able to get a good look at this," he said! All the thousands of words, the moment into empty, from now on, I can meet you again?
Zhang Jieyi is also in Shijiazhuang, the fame of the school flower only went to secondary school, we often get together, from her mouth, I can hear the news of Pangayi's words.
They have always been in touch.
It was the address I got from Zhang Jieyi, I wrote a letter to Qingdao Ocean University, although it was just a reminiscence of the many stories of the halcyon days of our front and back tables, but if there are boys with a heart of gold, they will surely understand the heart of that Qingdao passed on.
The letter, I wrote and wrote, tore and tore, and when I sealed the envelope and sent it to Qingdao, my heart, it will be hanging high in the air, waiting for the final verdict.
I don't want to miss my love.
At that time, I was obsessed with Xu Zhimo crazy, he can be so carefree like Lin Weiyin and Lu Xiaoman, I, what not to pursue their favorite men?
While I know that compared to him, I have a sense of difference, but I have the right to love!
The whole ten days, I almost lost my bones. Those ten days were as long as ten years and a hundred years, and I went to the mailbox every day to read the letters. There were so many letters every day that each person could receive up to ten. People who just went to college have a fervor for writing letters, exploding their long suppressed feelings like a tsunami. I was the only one who still had no friends, no one wrote to me, and I didn't write to anyone, Pangayi, was the only one.
Lone on a tall building, looking through the water, chopped liver, the ancient poems in the poem describing the woman waiting for all can be used in my body.
Another ten days passed, I did not wait for any news.
Self-disgrace, I think I can fit this word.
He should have written me back even if it was out of courtesy.
Zhang Jieyi would still show up in front of my dormitory on weekends, babbling about everything related to Pangayi, and beyond the words, I could already hear how things were going, and that their love had already begun to take shape.
Congratulations, I said.
That winter was a long one, so long that it seemed like it would never end, and after it, I would be eighteen.
Good-bye, Pangayi,
I said to him.
That day it was snowing heavily, and I was walking in the snow, shedding tears as I went, and the cold wind was soon blowing me like pins and needles, and the tears were wind-dried as if they were running across my eighteen-year-old face.
Later I crouched in the snow and let out a cry, Pangayi, how could you?
C: 1999, the last year of the twentieth century.
Everyone was waiting for the millennium, and I was no exception.
I was still alone, I was the only girl in my class who hadn't been in a relationship, and I always wanted to have a good relationship with a boy, but after five minutes or so, I was surprised to feel cold, embarrassed, smiling, and bored.
Panga Yi, I still love you like that.
While Zhang Jieyi has had five or six more boyfriends, I haven't said a word about him.
Peng Gayi, just a distant and beautiful dream of mine, I am alone, leisurely doing, and not alone.
In the spring of 1999, I met Pangayi.
This is the separation of three years after our first meeting, at that time, I have grown three centimeters taller, one meter five nine girls into one meter six two, wearing high heels just to his ears.
In fact, I met by chance, the world is really too small.
In front of the small bar near our school, I was catching the 14 road bus ****, ready to go to the city to buy some books for the exam, in the five minutes waiting for the bus, I raised my eyes, and saw Pang Gayi standing under a flower tree.
As three years ago, he was still bright and handsome to dazzle people, like a sunshine piercing me.
My hands and feet began to go cold, my heart raced, and I almost wondered if what I was seeing was him.
But it really was him.
He was wearing beige linen pants and a blouse of the same color, his hands in his pockets, and because he was thin, those fat pants added to the flowing slenderness of the man.
I called his name out of breath.
He smiled and came over, did not expect to meet you.
If he hadn't said that, I would have thought he was coming for me, or fooling me, but he came to see Zhang Jieyi? Zhang Jieyi is one stop away from me, but he said he didn't expect to meet you.
I smiled awkwardly, yes, I didn't expect to.
That was the first time we had ever spoken, and we both used the word "didn't expect".
One more stop at Jenny Zhang's place, come on, let's go find her.
I gave up my plan to go to the city and accompanied him to find Zhang Jieyi.
The flowers bloomed beautifully along the way. Years later, I always wanted to find a spring like that to match it, but there was no way to compare it with the spring, magnolia, and one-leafed plums that bloomed openly and wantonly there.
For the first time we were so close.
Is it five centimeters? I could hear his breath, the smell of mint he gave off.
A thousand meters is short like that, I'd rather it be endless, endless.
We barely spoke, except for a few simple greetings, and I kept kicking at the stones on the side of the road, the lonely ones that moved their place.
After finding Zhang Jieyi, he immediately summoned a lot of friends, that night, we went to the Azure restaurant for a drink, everyone became that eye-candy, everyone was cocky, drinking and boxing, only I was quietly doing it, watching him.
He looked at me once in a while and then continued to drink and smoke with the boys.
His fingers were long and thin, so soft and limp that they made my heart flutter.
Pangayi, even though you rejected me, why do I still love you like this?
That day I retired early and took a walk under a starry sky, the wisteria in the school was blooming just right, I did under the wisteria, gloomy.
The next day, I went to Guangzhou for my internship, and didn't even say goodbye to Pangayi.
Goodbye, but six years later.
D: In 1999, I stayed in Guangzhou, a city without four seasons, its prosperity my loneliness, its intensity my plain white.
Qingdao has become a place of soulful dreams.
In 2000, I traveled to Qingdao, I was alone along the streets and alleys and kept strolling, which used to be a place where I was so infatuated, but I didn't have the courage to come to this city, parked for the time being to ask, or fear that it was the same hometown.
How much I want to, just around the corner, or in the bustling Wuxi Square, suddenly met Peng Gayi.
At that time, I would have told him, "Pangayi, you know how much I love you.
Standing at the seashore, I was alone, looking at the distant sea water, tears came down in a flash, Panga Yi, where are you?
Peng Gayi was not in Qingdao at that time, she went to Shanghai and was said to be working as an assistant in a German company.
In 2001, I went to Shanghai, and I was looking for Peng Gayi.
By then, I was no longer a 17-year-old girl. I wore Baozi clothes and Lanc?me foundation, and when I showed up for coffee on the 88th floor of the Jinmao Tower, no one suspected that I had been an ugly duckling,
but I was still self-conscious and introverted.
Because there was no affirmation from the man.
There was the pursuit of the handsome and upright returnee man, who was sure to be the hot target of the wonderful women, but I was always calm, and they asked: what kind of a man do you really want?
All my imagination is full of him, or him - vaguely seventeen years old under the flower tree met the man, life and death, I would like to be so obsessed with him, he a look, can make my soul.
Until October 2004, at a party, I suddenly heard someone mention his name. I walked over to him and asked: Do you know Pangayi?
He turned around and said, "Yes, we used to be colleagues, and I just finished drinking his wedding wine last month.
The glass of wine I was holding was slightly tilted.
I am a calm woman, I do not move a lot of time, at that moment, I feel something choked.
I was always waiting for the day when he and I would meet and fall in love with each other.
I was childish to a horrible degree.
That night, I kept on drinking, and snatched the wine with people, I cried and shouted a person's name, and ran to the balcony to look at the night of Shanghai, feeling so sad, so sad, so desperate.
Peng Jianyi, in what way can I reunite with you again?
E: May 2005, high school reunion.
Ahead of time, I asked Jieyi Zhang who was going, and she said Zhang San Li Si Wang Wu Ma Liu, and I only wanted to hear one name, and sure enough, there was him.
He was transferred to the headquarters in Xinjiang, and four-fifths of his classmates were married, and he was one of the four-fifths, and I was one of the five-fifths.
He took the plane back to catch up, at that time, I have been slightly drunk with classmates, we joked, everyone he was the last one in.
Backpacked with a black traveling bag, his face was as dark as the bag.
However, his eyes were as bright as ever and his body as long and straight as ever.
He happened to sit next to me and was surrounded by male students drinking and asking why he was so late, and of course he had to be punished.
The punishment was really bad for him, only less than an hour, he was drunk, some people began to sing, some began to open the mahjong, only he, suddenly came to my side.
Xiaowei, he called me, this is the first time he called my name, so beautiful, I shivered, my hands as cold as ten years ago.
He looked at me, I need to tell you something, Xiaowei, he said.
I looked at him, our eyes entwined.
For the first time in ten years, our eyes were so stubbornly entwined, endlessly, for the rest of our lives.
Pangayi, do you know how much I love you.
He suddenly laughed and sighed, Why are you always so far away from me? Why do you you don't seem like a mortal woman? I tell you, that year, I went to Shijiazhuang is to look for you, I waited in your school wandered for more than three hours, if I did not meet you, I would have gone to the dormitory to find you.
My heart was pounding like a thunderbolt, a thunderbolt in a flash, a fact, when I was crazy about my crush, he was also thinking about me.
I, I said with my mouth open, Pangayi, I wrote you a letter.
What? Impossible, he said, I never got a letter from you.
I repeated the address of that year, an address I will never forget, No. 13 Guangming Road.
No, he laughed, you've written it wrong, it's number fourteen.
I froze, so, then Zhang Jieyi told me I was wrong, or, was she simply on purpose? She should have known what I was thinking.
This is a memory!
Come on, let's have a glass of wine, Pangayi stared at me.
Okay, my eyes were welling up with tears and I choked until I couldn't breathe.
We had three drinks.
I don't know who put on the dance music, it was a very old song, Zhou Hua Jian's The Truest Dream: Tonight the breeze gently sends, pricked my heart, you're that beautiful dream is hard to forget, deep in the memory .........
He gently leaned over my ear and asked: Do you like me?
I looked at him for a long, long time, and then gently shook his head, he and I are parallel to the two trains, have missed.
He sighed and said, you are a woman of the clouds, I should know.
That night, I forgot how to leave him back to the hotel, he and his male classmates played mahjong all night, the next morning the plane back to Xinjiang, his wife, is about to give birth.
I returned to Shanghai that afternoon, and on the plane, I opened my own wallet, which has a black-and-white photo, still youthful, and still the jade face.
When I was seventeen, that was the photo I stole from his student ID card.
Pangayi, I once loved you like this, I said softly．