What is true love?
In fact, many people will misunderstand what "true love" really looks like in the face of self-feeling.
As He Jiong once said in a host program, the essence of an idiot is: "You don't love him, but the feeling that you love yourself and him, the feeling that you can have no reservations."
Psychologists have analyzed men's psychology and said that no matter what age men are, there is a teenager living in their hearts. This teenager is eager for love, passionate love, romance and everything that can make his heart burn, including people. This is the phenomenon that men constantly pursue extramarital affairs.
Some serious people will ask, then why do men have to cheat when they have wives?
I'll tell you the simplest one. A woman has many bags. Why does she keep buying? Because the demand is constantly changing, wear white clothes today, carry a light bag, and wear dark clothes tomorrow. I found that I didn't have a bag to match. Should I go out to buy a bag?
It is also for this reason that lovers who have extramarital affairs rarely last long. Extramarital affairs are for excitement. In men's words, it's silly and sweet, but I've had enough fun. I have to change my royal sister next time. Feel that?
I inserted the first extramarital affair here to let everyone know that extramarital affairs have become commonplace in today's society. Both men and women have had extramarital affairs, but is there true love in extramarital affairs?
I heard a chicken soup about the word true love: "true love means that I don't care about the future, I only care about the present, so I try my best to marry you home."
Is this chicken soup poisonous? But there is also some truth. Should true love marry home? What true love doesn't last a lifetime? But men have to keep their lovers out, but men will change their lovers at some point. Is this called true love?
However, some people may say, "Teacher, you generalize. Some people have been having extramarital affairs for a long time, even more than ten years." Of course, whether it is my counselor or the examples I have seen, extramarital affairs have indeed lasted for more than ten or even twenty years with fixed lovers, but they are all in the minority, but they do exist.
Let's just say this extramarital affair is true love, but why not get married and go home? Normal love, after 7 to 8 months of running-in period, has entered a dull period. Normal marriage, after four to five years, has basically become more and more dull. In life, in addition to daily necessities, what is lacking at home is parents.
Aboveboard love will be destroyed by time. Why can an extramarital affair that betrays marriage and violates the moral bottom line last so long?
Qian Zhongshu said that love is mostly unsuccessful, either because the ending is good and boring, or because the ending is good and bad.
The most painful love is that you cannot love it. This person is standing in front of you, but he can't say I love you.
But we finally got together, but after a long time, the relationship became strong and their feelings became dull. Even because of trivial life, they become impatient and tired of each other. Suddenly, they think, "Ah, that's all there is to marriage." So even those beautiful women can't keep their husbands' hearts. Recently, all kinds of peerless beauties in the entertainment circle have derailed their husbands. This is a happy sorrow.
The beauty of extramarital affairs lies in the second. It is not that we are not together, nor that we must get married in the future. It is in the middle between "the sadness of not getting married" and "the boredom of getting married"-it has not lost or completely owned it.
"Not fully owned" is the most attractive place of extramarital affairs. There is a psychological phenomenon called "Chickney effect". Qinik, a western scientist, once concluded in his experiments that people are always obsessed with unfinished and unfulfilled things.
According to the thinking differences between men and women, men prefer challenging things. The extramarital affairs in their hearts belong to this challenging relationship, in which they not only satisfy themselves, but also are very exciting.
On the other hand, why do all the mistresses we see are beautiful and excellent, and they don't choose to find their own Mr. Right, but they just love men with families? The reason is that this person has a family and a wife.
If a man with a family goes after a woman, once he catches up, then the woman's "bitter day" may come. A man can 100% have a lover, but a lover can't 100% have a man, because reality tells her that this man has a family, a wife and children, just like we play games. As long as we don't pass the test, we will keep playing.
But if one day this man really gets divorced and chooses her, most women will never have anything to do with men again, which is why many men divorce for their lovers and finally their lovers leave him.
What if the wife finds out about the affair? It is inevitable that there will be a blood shed. Then, after weighing the pros and cons, men choose to return to their families. No matter what the lover outside asks, there is only one signal in his heart: "I can't break up my family because of her", and at this time, three thoughts will appear in his heart:
1, take a break, stop for a while, and explain to your lover later.
2, forget it, this has been discovered, don't contact, talk about it later.
If there is another affair, it must be kept secret.
So, do you understand? Whether a wife or a lover, a man is a victim of satisfying himself, so do you say that there is true love in extramarital affairs? If there is, it's just that a man loves himself more.
Therefore, in an extramarital affair, no matter who is involved in other people's marriage or who is cheating, he always puts in corresponding feelings and energy, just because he has never fully owned it and is trapped in the "Chinik effect".
And what are the rules of the game of extramarital affairs?
For men:
I can't marry you, but I can be nice to you. You can't propose to me. Although I betrayed my marriage, you want me to ruin it, but I can't. Be a good lover, behave yourself, or break up.
For lovers:
1. You like me, but I am free. If you could give me money, you wouldn't tie me up. I enjoy it and won't leave voluntarily.
I want to be in the top position because I have invested too much. I will force you with threats, and in the end, I will be unhappy;
I can't bear to leave you. As long as you don't leave, I will always be your lover.
For the third point, little can be done.
You can also see that men love themselves more. In the face of immediate interests and so-called love, he will not hesitate to choose the former. So I often say the same thing to the young ladies who come for psychological counseling, "A man may choose you out of love and more to satisfy himself. This man won't marry you unless you are willing to spend your youth. "
In fact, men's infidelity is like games and work. You like playing games because of your hobby, but if you are made to work day and night, you will have the idea of escaping and even start to hate playing games.
On the contrary, if you secretly play two games at work, you will be very happy. Even after work, you will stay up all night because of the game. But if you become a professional gamer, you may relax yourself by cleaning up the housework when you are tired.
The difference between a wife and a lover is the difference of roles. Men prefer the role of "lover", just like we travel, that is, from the place where you are tired to the place where others are tired.
The same is true of extramarital affairs. Looking for Xiao San is just to relax himself, but Xiao San can meet his needs, understand him and support him. They don't have to take any responsibility for each other's lives, and they don't have to quarrel with each other about the education of their children, not to mention the friction over family chores.
Speaking of which, do you understand? In extramarital affairs, if there is no true love, he will not love mistress, even if love will not last long, because any relationship has a shelf life. Once the shelf life has passed and the two people in the relationship no longer secrete dopamine, then the relationship will gradually get out of passion and become dull.
A few days ago, a tourist sent me a private letter, saying, "Teacher, my husband has been cheating for half a year. I didn't know I wanted to give up until today. Looking at their chat records, I think my husband fell in love with someone else and kept the marriage he didn't love. What strength can I have? "
And I told her one sentence: "If I tell you, there is either love between them or between you. He cheated just to meet his own needs, which is the wrong way to love himself more. Are you still willing? "
Of course, this lady finally chose to save her husband, and our recovery plan is also in progress, which has achieved initial results.
In fact, extramarital affairs are painful, but the most important thing is whether you can treat the pain correctly, whether you can resolve the pain, and whether you can find effective channels to turn the pain into a driving force for progress.
We often hear that another partner has betrayed us. What shall we do? Either endure it, be cruel or get out.
Today I tell you, there is still a way, that is, face, solve and choose.
Xiaosan is also a human being, and people have desires, because people's desires are constantly expanding, or they will automatically leave if they feel that their desires have never been satisfied; Either for their own desires, they constantly put pressure on men, make trouble without reason, and change the law. Finally, the man saw the mistress clearly and finally took the initiative to leave.
In fact, marriage is really not smooth sailing. Even if there is, there will be quarrels because of trivial matters in life, so it is really not too sad to have an affair. What we have to do is what I said before, face, solve and choose. Don't think that he loves this mistress, and you have no hope. That's not love, at least not true love for mistress, but your hope is in your own hands.
1, calmly face the fact of extramarital affairs, find a good way to deal with it, stop making trouble, rationally and objectively look at the problems existing in marriage itself, analyze the problems, find a solution, be calm with each other and have a good talk.
2. Listen to the other person's complaints, how the other person views marriage, how the other person views the contradictions in marriage, whether you are not good enough or he thinks you are not good enough, find the key to the problem, and then try to solve it.
When you have talked openly about extramarital affairs, no matter what attitude the other person has, you have to make a choice, whether to continue the marriage or go their separate ways. After all, you can't ruin your life because of an extramarital affair, can you?
Finally, I especially want to say, don't put extramarital affairs above your own life, and don't regard men's infidelity as the end of the world. As long as we learn to avoid risks in marriage, when risks come, we can take the initiative to take the lead and all problems will be solved.