In my many years of work, I am often asked by my clients, "Teacher, how can I find my MR.RIGHT?" or "Why do I not dare to confess to my favorite person?". Of course, there are situations like yours, where we clearly long for love and a partner, but every time it doesn't work out, and there is even "self-destructive" behavior.
Let me start by sharing a true story with you, in which we can always find some familiar shadows and get some inspiration.
I remember I once had a consultant who was an adopted orphan, fortunately her adoptive parents treated her very well, however, when she grew up and started to fall in love, she fell into uncontrollable anxiety and worry, she didn't dare to laugh, she didn't dare to be petulant, she even feared that the two of them disagreed with each other every single time, and when she was faced with a choice, she didn't dare to make a decision for fear that she would choose the wrong one and make the other person unhappy. Eventually, because she was so careful and self-protective, her boyfriend questioned, "Why do you always make me feel distant, I can't know what you're thinking and I can't have you." This girl was very sad, she knew she loved her boyfriend very y, she was just always surrounded by so many worries and fears that she couldn't show her true self.
It wasn't until we were in counseling that at one point I developed a deep feeling and asked her, "Do you often feel afraid to be happy?" My question, surprisingly, brought her to tears. Later, she told me that she had always felt very lucky, however, this kind of luck is so inexplicable and uncontrollable, and she was holding on to her present life tightly, afraid that she would lose everything if she accidentally did something wrong, or even, she did not dare to enjoy this happiness recklessly, and had to be careful, she was afraid that she would be hated by other people and thus be discarded if she went "too far. The first thing you need to do is to get your hands on a new one, and you'll be able to do that.
This is the kind of mentality that prevents the girl from expressing herself as freely and truthfully as other girls do, and from enjoying love.
Thankfully, this girl was very committed and worked very hard in counseling, and we ****ed through a lot of hardships and trials together, and eventually she accepted the reality that she had been abandoned, and that it wasn't all her fault (it wasn't that she wasn't good enough - she felt like she wasn't good enough a lot of the time), and she started to be able to get closer to her boyfriend closer, and she begins to be able to confide in him.
After about a year, they sent me a message and the two went into marriage. It was hard-earned and very beautiful.
In your question, I sense a strong "ambivalence" within you: on the one hand, you look forward to being loved and to intimacy, but on the other hand, you seem to be "out of control" (which you describe as "reflexive"). On the other hand, you seem to be "out of control" (you describe it as "reflexive") and have an urge to stay away. This situation is often referred to in clinical practice as a "psycho-behavioral pattern". Everyone has a myriad of mental behavioral patterns that "reflexively" (meaning they occur without thought, without control) guide us to do or say certain things. For example, in every meeting, where do you sit? First row? The row next to your friends? An inconspicuous corner? Behind these seemingly random behaviors are our "mental behavior patterns" at work.
Of course, relationships and intimacy also have their own specific "mental behavior patterns" called "Anima and Animus". Therefore, I think your problem is not a disease, but a pattern. If we can find the particular pattern of behavior that is affecting your pursuit of love, we have the opportunity to analyze and adjust it, and ultimately, help you build a more healthy and positive "pattern of behavior in intimacy".
The Anima and the Animus are two important Jungian archetypes.
The Anima archetype is the female image in the male mind, and the Animus is the male image in the female mind. Therefore, we can say that everyone, male or female, actually has both gender mental imagery within them.
From the outside, we are in a relationship with an objective and real person, and from the psychological level, we are actually having a relationship and interaction between male and female qualities within ourselves. For example, some people may say that the first time I met TA, I had a feeling of love at first sight. The so-called "love at first sight" is actually the reality that this person is fortunate to have a high degree of similarity with the image of Anima or Animus that we portrayed in our mind, so that we have a strong and beautiful feeling of wish fulfillment and long time reunion, and so on.
So, what kind of person should I find? What kind of person will I fall in love with? How will we get along? How will we resolve conflicts? The answers to these questions are in our own hearts. When the anima and animus in our mind get along well, we will also handle intimate relationships better in reality; when the anima in my mind has not been found, or dares not be found, or is very distrustful of and hates the animus, our intimate relationships in reality will be full of obstacles.
In your question, I feel that you love and reject the opposite sex of your heart, why is that? Is it that you feel fear? You are afraid? Is it because you have a "bad opinion" of the opposite sex in your mind? Or are you just not confident enough to be in a relationship? These important issues, you need to sink your heart, feel good, think well.
In fact, love is like a double dance, need two people agree to dance, to start, need two people with each other, in order to carry on, need two people intimate interaction, in order to dance out of the beauty.
Let go of your fear or worry, try to open your heart, try to give each other trust, and bravely go to fight for the love and happiness that your heart really desires!
Wenjun Chat Psychology @ I am a professional psychological counselor, I hope to be able to share the years of rich experience in the work, and the observation of the comprehension of the human world, so that we can read the mind and understand the happiness. Welcome friends to contact me.
Hello glad to answer your question, I hope my answer is helpful to you.
I think with your current situation is not considered a psychological disorder, psychological disorder is a bit exaggerated too serious.
You have this kind of away from two kinds: one is physically away from, and the other is psychologically away from. I don't know what kind you belong to? Regardless of that, I think it's more of a personality thing. Some people are familiar with themselves and who can quickly get into a ball and brotherhood; there are also people who are slow to warm up, need more time to slowly get along with and adapt to.
I think your so-called "away" can be better understood as not adapting to each other's existence. It takes time to get used to the idea of love, and it takes time to get used to the idea of a better understanding. Single life and love life are two completely different modes of living together and it takes time to adjust and adapt. If you have a favorite person, then when he actively wants to approach you and you want to run away, it is likely that you are not fully adapted as well as accepting or best prepared to meet your own way of life in love. Secondly, another important reason could also be that you haven't met someone you really like very much at the moment, and may only have a very shallow liking for those you think you want to fall in love with.
Of course, there are marriage-phobic as well as relationship-phobic groups of people, if they know that they feel very serious has affected normal life, it is recommended to consult a psychiatrist.
This can only mean that you are not confident enough in yourself, the lack of inner security, too many concerns, like this person should like to be alone, do not like the lively, a little inferiority complex. In fact, this is the only time in your life. I don't know why I'm thinking so much about it! If you want to do something, just do it. Whether or not you succeed or not is a matter of opinion, at least you tried to do it. The first thing you need to do is to get your hands on a new one, and you'll be able to do it in a way that you don't have to!
This kind of mentality is due to insecurity, so the low expectations of everything and your inner sense of inferiority
In fact, as long as you enhance their self-confidence, courageous expression on the OK
This depends on the degree of many normal avoidant attachment people have a certain degree of this kind of manifestation, is not necessarily a psychological disorder
Obviously, it's a good idea to have a good understanding of what is going on in the world of work. What's the matter with you? What does it have to do with you? What do I do?
Haha just kidding! Let's get to the point! You are afraid of this aspect is from the girl's own lack of security, so when you meet a good to you in all aspects to give you a sense of security of the boy you will like to care about his feelings when you want to sublimation of the relationship when you are not so afraid of
Whether the obstacles to the judgment criteria:
1, the length of time. When did this start? The longer it goes on, the worse it gets
2. Is the reason for the fear grounded in reality? Or is it a subjective feeling?
3, whether it seriously affects work, life, study?
This is really of a psychological nature. It is your body that remembers what it felt like to be a child. Is it that your parents didn't hug you when you were a child, or that you and your parents don't live together and they don't get along with you well, and deep down you are rejecting them. Your pattern with lovers is a projection of your relationship with your parents.
Still don't like it
Or have some low self-esteem
Yes, lack of self-confidence and confidence in yourself.