2. The farmer wanted to kill the rooster but couldn't catch it, so he grabbed the hen and said to the rooster: if you don't come down and let you be a bachelor! Rooster: You fucking think I'm stupid ah, I go down she became a widow.
3. A restaurant to raise a parrot hanging in the door, a guest to say: "Hello and welcome!" A regular customer thought: I quickly into see how you react. One day he "rubbed" ran in, the parrot said: "****! Scared me!!!"
4. A military exercise, an artillery shell deviated far, sent to check the soldiers found: the shell fell in the farmland, the field is standing you, your clothes broken black face full of tears, said: to steal a cabbage guilty of using artillery bombing?
5. Beijing-Kowloon Railway opened to traffic, people along the roadside to watch, a woman in the car to change the sanitary napkin thrown out of the window, face-to-face stick a citizen's face, the public took down and said: I ****! This car is fast, floating a piece of paper can hit the nose bleeding!!!!
6. 20 years ago, mom held you waiting for the car, people are laughing at the child long ugly, mom cried, a banana seller boss pat mom said: big sister don't cry! Give the bananas to your monkey! I'm sorry, but I'm not sure how much I'm going to be able to afford to pay for this.
7. The farmer drove the donkey into the city, encountered the scoundrel, the scoundrel: eaten? Farmer said: eat. Scoundrel: I asked the donkey. Farmer heard, turned to the donkey fan two slaps: Damn, the city has relatives also do not say a word.
8. Pig looking for God asked to be reincarnated as a human being. The emperor asked: plowing? A too bitter. Said: to do labor? A too tired. Said: monkeying around? A too difficult. The emperor asked what he wanted. A: can eat, drink and whoring! The emperor was shocked: dog days still want to be a national cadre!
9. A child in the delivery room after the birth of a child laughing, the nurses are very strange, gathered around to observe the child's fists clenched, after breaking open the discovery of a grain of abortifacient medicine, only to hear the child said: he *! Want to kill me? The first thing you need to do is to get rid of it!
10. Duck and crab race, while reaching the finish line, difficult to distinguish between winners and losers, the referee said: you two to rock-paper-scissors it! The duck was furious: he *! Black whistle ah! Count me, I'm out is cloth, he is always out scissors!!!!
11, there are two counterfeiting accidentally made a face value of 15 yuan of counterfeit bills, the two decided to get the remote mountainous areas to spend, when they took a 15 yuan to buy 1 yuan of sugarplums, they cried, the farmers found them two 7 yuan.
12, the giraffe married a monkey, a year after the giraffe filed for divorce: I no longer want to live in this kind of jumping up and down days! Monkey angry: leave on leave! Who has seen a kiss still have to climb a tree! A person climbed the wall out of school, was caught by the principal, the principal asked: why not from the school gate? Answer: Metersbonwe, do not go out of the ordinary.
The principal asked again: how to go over such a high wall ah? He pointed to his pants and said: Li Ning, anything is possible.
The principal asked again: what does it feel like to go over the wall? He pointed to his shoes and said: TB, the feeling of flying.
The second day he entered the school from the front door, the principal asked: how not over the wall? He said: Anta, I choose, I like.
The 3rd day he wore mixed clothes, the principal said: can not wear mixed clothes! He said: wear what you want, Semma Clothing.
Day 4 he wore a tank top to school, and the principal said, No tank tops to school. He said, man, simple is good, love Stirrup Castle clothing. The principal said I'm going to write you off. He said: Why? The principal said, Kinetic, my place, my master An American, a Japanese, and a Chinese traveled together to a deserted pirate. They met a group of cannibalistic natives, they were captured, and the tribe's
Chief said: "Today I am happy, do not eat you, but each of you will be my 100 big board. Before you get the plank, I can grant each of you one
wish." The American was given the plank first, and he asked for 30 pads, which he put on his buttocks while he was being planked. The first 70 boards were fine, but the last 30 couldn't hold up, and after the beating, the American couldn't. The Japanese asked for 100, so they were fine. The Chinese said; "Here, pad the Japanese, face up. Ten of the scariest jokes of all time
(1) Ghosts asking for their lives
Once upon a time there was a man who had a girlfriend. He loved her more than anyone else in the world.
But one day, his girlfriend left him mercilessly, without even giving him a reason.
Watching
his girlfriend being taken by someone else's hand to go shopping, he was in pain and lost his mind. One day
he killed her. He was going to kill himself after he killed her.
But it was only when he was about to die that he felt the preciousness of life. Since then, he has been plagued by nightmares in which his
girlfriend is naked, hairless, with a red tongue hanging down, and her fingers like hooks, demanding her life.
The nightmares tormented him so much that one day he came to a Taoist priest to get rid of them.
The Taoist priest asked him to do three things:
First, bury his girlfriend's body properly
Second, burn his girlfriend's nightgown
Third, wash the bloodstained clothes that he had hidden away
All these things had to be done before the third night of the night, or he would be in danger of being killed!
He followed the Taoist priest's instructions to do everything very carefully, but the bloody clothes could not be found
anyhow.
It was about to be the third watch, and beads of sweat dripped down his face wetting the carpet.
At the end of the night he found the bloody garment, but no matter how he rubbed it, it would not come off.
Then suddenly the wind blew, and lightning struck. The windows were swaying from side to side as the wind blew, and the sound of the glass shattering
was even more alarming. Suddenly, all the lights went out, and the whole house was in darkness. In the lightning
, he saw his girlfriend wearing blood-stained pajamas, blood dripping from her eyes, and pointing at
him with a fierce face, saying in a stern voice: " Do you know why you can't wash off the blood stains?" He was stunned and couldn't speak a word
Girlfriend went on: "" Because you didn't use Bran laundry detergent. Because you didn't use Brandywine detergent, stupid."
(2) Meeting a Ghostess at Night
It was late at night, and a taxi driver decided to take one more passenger and go home, but there weren't many people on the road
any more.
The driver was driving without a purpose when he noticed a white shadow in front of him, waving at him. The quiet
night was unnatural with people all of a sudden, and the situation had to remind one of something that one doesn't want to think about, and that's a ghost!!!!
But in the end the driver decided to pull her anyway, and the person got in and said in a miserable, hoarse voice,
"Please go to the crematorium."
The driver winced with excitement. Could she really be ...... He couldn't think any further and didn't dare
think any further.
He regretted it, but now there was only to deliver her surprisingly quickly.
The woman's face was white, and she had nothing to say all the way there, which was creepy.
The driver could not continue to
drive on, very close to the place where she was going, he found an excuse, stammered:
"Miss, I'm really sorry, the front is not good to turn around, you walk through it, it's already very close."
The woman nodded and asked, "How much is it?" The driver hurriedly said, "Forget it, forget it, you're a
woman, it's so late, it's not easy to come here, forget it!"
"That's not a good idea."
"That's it!" The driver insisted.
The woman couldn't argue, "Then, thank you!" Said, opened the door ......
The driver turned around to start the car, but did not hear the sound of the door closing, so he turned back
......
How did the woman disappear so quickly? He looked in the back seat, and there was none! The front of the car, the left side, the right
side, the back, nothing!
Did she just disappear?
The driver's curiosity then he wanted to find out, he got out of the car and went to the door that hadn't been closed,
"Did that woman just walk away this fast, or is she just ......" he was going to break down
He was just about to get out of here when
a bloody hand tapped him on the shoulder, he looked back and the woman stood in front of
him with a face full of blood and spoke.
"Master! Please don't park next time next to the ditch ......"
(3) There are two people
In a remote village, a goat's path with a straight pole, it is strange to say that often
often people have accidents there.
Soon a young man and woman were accidentally knocked down on their bicycles and killed instantly. One night, 5-year-old Xiaozhi and his
mother passed by there on their way home, and Xiaozhi suddenly: "Mom, there are two people on the pole." His mother
took him by the hand and quickly walked away, saying,
"Kids don't talk nonsense!" But the story spread quickly, and one day a reporter came to interview
Shouzhi and asked him to show him the place where the accident had happened, and Shouzhi led him there graciously, and the reporter
asked, "Where is it?" Xiaozhi pointed up and the reporter looked up?
@Look, there's a sign hanging on the pole,
it says: Traffic Safety, Everyone's Responsibility
(4) Complaints of the Three Ghosts
They met God one day while they were shopping! They told God that they had all died horrible deaths and
wanted to be allowed to go to heaven! God was helpless and said that heaven was now overflowing with too many occupants.
But there is still one spot left!
Speak ye, and see who dies the worst, and let him go to heaven! So the first ghost began to speak ......
In life, he was a janitor. Worked very hard! Busy from morning till night! One day, I was cleaning the glass outside a big
building!
It was one of those dangerous jobs where you hang outside at high altitude!
On the 30th floor or so! Suddenly, my foot slipped and I lost my footing and fell! I thought, "It's over! Dying! But
survival instincts had me clawing around unconsciously!
Luckily, I grabbed onto a balcony railing, on the 13th floor. I thought, there's help! I waited for
the rest of the day to pass and then climbed up!
But then, all of a sudden, someone swiped my hand and I fell again!
I thought to myself, "This is the end of me!
I was glad that I must have been virtuous in my past life, but there was a tent at the bottom to catch me!
I thought I'd wait until I got my breath back. But then a refrigerator fell from above and killed me!
The second ghost said ......
I was a clerk in my past life. Everything was fine, I had a wife, very pretty. Great body!
But just a little watery. I had a slight heart condition. One day I forgot to bring my medication to work, so I went home
to get it.
On entering the door, I saw my wife's hair scattered and disheveled. There must be an adulterer.
So I searched all over the house, the kitchen and the toilet, but I couldn't find anything. When I got to the balcony, I found two
hands on the railing, and I thought: adulterer! I thought, "13th floor! I thought, 13th floor! See fall not
dead you!
The result is that when I look, I actually did not die! I was caught by the tent! I was anxious, so I searched all over the house, went into the kitchen
room, found the refrigerator is big enough, so I threw the refrigerator down. I threw the refrigerator down and finally killed him! I was so happy! I couldn't stop laughing.
Who knows, I laughed so hard that I died of a heart attack!
The third ghost said ......
I was a punk when I was born, but I didn't do anything bad! One day I went to a female friend's house
to hang out!
I had just finished my business when her husband suddenly returned! I had to find a place to hide. I searched the kitchen and the bathroom, and finally found a big refrigerator, so I hid in the refrigerator! I don't
understand how her husband knew I was in the refrigerator, he actually threw the refrigerator down from the 13th floor! I was
that's how I fell to my death with the refrigerator!
(5) Ghosts in the Toilet
Chu Yang went to the countryside to visit his relatives, and while chatting with them, they told him that there are
ghosts in the toilets here, but if you don't accept ghosts, the ghosts won't hurt you. Maybe it is the original
cause of the soil and water, at night, Chu Yang Xiang's stomach aches to death.
There was really no other way, Chu Yangxiang had to harbor the fear of ?
葀z, hard to go to the toilet.
Chu Yangxiang just squatted down, then heard the ghost's voice: )^n red handkerchief or white handkerchief?"
Chu Yangxiang knew he couldn't accept anything from the ghost, so he replied, "I always use newspaper."
It looked like Chu Yangxiang had dysentery, and after a short while, Chu Yangxiang ran to the restroom again, but
this time, he was no longer afraid.
After the ghost saw Chu Yangxiang, he stretched out his hand again and said: )^n Youth Daily or Central Daily
Paper?"
"I always use sports newspapers."
Night, Chu Yang to the third time to the toilet.) ^n Youth Sports or Central Sports
?" The ghost asked.
"...... I ...... I just want to spread X."
(6) Fierce Ghost Phone
The phone used to be called, and the number was not pressed like it is now, it was dialed with a finger inserted into a disc with a hole in it
.
That said once upon a time once upon a time ......
Ming's home phone number was 444-4444 and often strange calls came in .....
One day at 12:00 midnight, the phone rang, and Ming picked up the receiver.
The caller said in a miserable voice, "Is this 444-4444? Can you
help me
call the police at 119? I'm so miserable! ......."
Ming: "Go find someone else to help you, don't come to me!
The man: "I can only call 444-4444, there's no way to call KiO man."
Small Ming scared to death, quickly hung up the phone, only ˉ
Being whacked Guo Guo Guo w4444? Is it
Ghosts?
After a while the phone rang again, Xiaoming did not dare to answer, but the phone kept ringing .... Xiao Ming had to put the phone
pick up.
The man: "Is this 444-4444? Can you call the police at 119 for me?
I'm so miserable!
.............. My finger is stuck in the phone dialing hole!"
(7) Ghosts
Two men were walking home from a Halloween costume party.... As they pass a cemetery,
they are tempted to walk through it. Halfway across the cemetery, they were startled by the sound of a knock-knock-knock.
The sound was coming from some dark place. The sound was coming from a dark place and they were trembling,
then they found an old man with a chisel chiseling a gravestone. One of the men said, "My
goodness.
Sir, we thought you were a ghost,
What are you doing here so late at night?" The old man cursed: '****, they spelled my name wrong.!!!!"
(8) Ghost Fire
On a dark night, a man was rushing through the night and passed a graveyard. The breeze was blowing, and the sounds around him
were rustling, making one's hair stand on end and his scalp prickle. At that moment, he suddenly noticed a little red
colored firelight in the distance, which appeared and disappeared.
The first thing he thought of was "ghost fire". So he picked up a stone and threw it at the light with fear and trepidation.
Only to see the light of the fire fluttered to the back of another grave. He was even more frightened and picked up another
stone and threw it at the fire, only to see the bright light fly toward another grave. By this time, he was
nearly broken. So, he picked up another stone and threw it at the bright light.
At this time, he only heard a voice from behind the grave, "Damn, who is it?
Then I heard a voice from behind the grave: "Who the hell is this?
A bag of cigarettes cut me three times."
(9) The Doll
There was a cab driver who worked at a cab company. Late one night he was driving through a very
deserted place, surrounded by darkness; when suddenly he saw a building in the wasteland in front of him, with dim
lights on.
He was wondering when such a building had been built, when he saw a lady on the side of the road beckoning to
take his car home, and when the lady got in, he closed the door and started to drive, and after
a while, he thought it was very strange that the lady didn't say anything.
Using a doll sitting there, he was scared to death, grabbed the doll
and threw it out the window.
...
...
...
...
After he got better, he went back to work at the cab company, and his coworkers said to him, "You're not
meaningful. A pretty lady came by and complained that she was going to ride in your car last time, and she just threw her
doll in there, and you closed the door and drove away.
(10)That said, on a dark and windy night, right on that longest ...... and scariest of roads
......
The cab driver drove over there... ...a woman by the side of the road waving to get in ......
Well ...... the whole way ...... was pretty quiet ...... Until the woman spoke ......
She said, "Apple Ki A eat ...... It's very tasty. ......"
The driver thought it was great ......and took it ......and then took a bite... ...
The woman asked, "Is it good?"
The driver said, "Yes!"
The woman came back with, "I loved apples when I was alive too ......"
Wow ......&*$#@ As soon as the ...... driver heard that, he was so scared that he put on the emergency brake and turned white ......
Only to see the woman slowly tilting her head to the front, ......said to the driver ..................
Wanna know what she said? .............................. ........................
" ...... But I stopped eating it after I had kids! ...<! --DVNEWS_AD_BEGIN-->
Respondent: 2s3d4f - Gangster Rookie Level 4 2-3 21:42
The riotously funny gaffe! The absolute worst gaffe ever!
1The bowl fell down, the sky big scar
2When I was a child, my sister asked me what time it was, I answered: three flat (3:30)!
3Once, I measured my weight at home and ended up asking my boyfriend, how much is 47 kilograms?
4We used to go back to the dormitory, the first sentence always ask: "Is there anyone looking for the phone to hit me ah...
5 high school and classmates went to a restaurant to eat together, after ordering a few dishes still want to not add a what dish originally I wanted to say tomatoes scrambled eggs do not know how, off the top of my head was - tomatoes fried tomatoes boss ......... thought for a long time .........
6 once with the cousin at home for dinner, accidentally poured soup, Kleenex are used up, cousin busy shouting "quickly, quickly, go to the toilet paper to get the toilet"
7 the same table things fell to the ground, bent down to pick up 偶用脚踩之，不料踩中其手
其大怒: "How dare you step on my foot?"
8 A cultural evening, the host on stage: the following please enjoy: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull!
The creepy ！！！！！
9 Exam score is very low, I complained bitterly that my score is too cheap!
10 The tiger does not send a cat, you think I am critically ill ah!
11 When I was in high school, the classroom discipline was chaotic, and the teacher grabbed XXX in a fit of rage and said: XXX, you give me to stand on the wall! ~~~~~~~~~~ the class chilled
12 A foreign teacher in a large classroom lecture SHOW Mandarin, would have liked to give him face, praise him Mandarin speak really standard, but the export of your standard
quasi speak really common, cold ~ ~
13 and MM in the sale of soybean milk and doughnuts in front of the stalls, I shouted to:" Boss, I want a soybean milk and noodles".MM storm laughed.
14 Once I drove, sitting next to my female colleagues suddenly asked: "How do you drive without a condom?"
15 Restaurant in the huge number of people, I shouted: boss, to a pepper without seasoning 。。。。
The waiter also repeated loudly: table 11, add a chili without seasoning!!!!
16 Me: That's our physics teacher.
Student: What do you teach?
Me: Chemistry...
16 Me: That's our physics teacher.
17 At the Internet cafe, a student suddenly raised his hand and shouted, "Teacher!"
18 Once, we were commenting on the back of a beautiful woman in front of us. I was going to say "her legs are very thick ah", the result said "her soil is very brittle ah"
19 Mom went out to play mahjong before, told me: "You put all the clothes in the refrigerator, pick up the dishes to the washing machine! Inside ~~~~~
20 When sitting in the pavilion,, casually called, "webmaster on the dishes."
21 One day I land MM out to buy things!
Suddenly saw the sky flew over a crow quacking!
So from her mouth crumbled out a sentence: "This crow frogs call like a green crow like 。。。。 $%^@#@%!
22 High school, we have to raise the flag every Monday, and then someone speech, mainly some daily behavior. Once, I was honored to do
Speech, the results of the "do not make a lot of noise in the theater" accidentally read "do not make a lot of noise in the theater brothel," when all the teachers and students in the school were
field, there are a lot of school leaders, I the I'm not sure if you're going to be able to get a good deal on this one.
23 Wanted to say qq open did not, said into the open open q did not.
24 Junior high school once read the text, is XX in the corridor wandering, I read into the XX in the corridor lewd ...... teacher face is red.
25 high school when and students out, the school side of a China Everbright Bank, just opened, so the sign is still hanging on the red cloth ...... but that cloth hangs
in the word blocked the word ...... I read as "Guo Guangda Bank"...... classmates all laughed like crazy, a few years I can not raise my head ah!
26 Our dormitory a person who drank too much to go to the urine and then brought out a cold saying: urine drink more, the wine will be particularly more....
27 Once I listened to the radio, it is a shopping guide hotline, there is a call in, the host asked him: "What is your name?
"He replied: "No surname Wang! ~~~~~"
28 buy oranges, boss: one dollar five a catty. I: too expensive, five dollars for three pounds. Boss: no no no.
29 Read the text aloud in junior high school. Soldiers victory in the face: "We worked hard just want to have a monument each ah! (commemorative coins)
30 Just returned to Chengdu, GG and my second brother drove to pick me up to dinner, I got on the car and yelled: oops, I'm going to starve. (In fact, I want to say hungry crazy)
31 I want to express "the customer is God" but said "the customer is heaven" so far by the friends of the shame ~ ~ ~ ~
32 Friends asked me about the computer configuration, I said that the monitor is a color screen. (I was going to say LCD)
33 and a friend to discuss life, the result he said he now hopes to buy a piece of land in the countryside to planting chickens or something, life is too boring! I said .... Why bother,
But living in the countryside is quite relaxing, planting pigs, raising land .....
34 high school class went to the physical examination, blood pressure when the same class of a mm found to give their own blood pressure is actually a junior high school male classmates, as if the internship there
It is that mm's sleeve is always not pulled up, a rush on the boy said: Why don't I take my pants off it? The boy's face turned red. That
mm estimated cold death
35 once anxious, would have liked to say the truth is white, the result is said to be "elephants really white", was laughing at the S
36 do not listen to drag the buttocks to beat the pants ......
37 students go to the Internet cafe to surf the net. 37 The students went to the Internet cafe, I asked him to sit in which row?
He said: "Go on, sit at the end of the shooting image row!
38 At the Internet cafe, I thought about getting off the plane, but my mouth wanted to say checkout, so I yelled, "Boss, checkout (hijack)!" Khan ......
39 Junior High School Arts and Crafts Party, grab the question and answer session
Hostess: "Everyone pay attention, do not grab too fast. Wait for me to finish to start in the raise your hand"
Then began to read the title, said, "Now open...."
That's when one of the contestants grabbed the answer.
The moderator then said, "This student was a little too eager.
The host then said, "This student is a bit too hasty. I've still got the 'first' in my mouth, so why did you grab it?"
The whole audience laughed out loud
40 Once I woke up in the morning, my mom asked my brother, "Have you washed your face yet?" My brother heard "What time is it?", and my brother said "It's 8 o'clock."
My mom heard "Wipe your face", and said.
My mom heard it as "wipe your face" and then said, "Wipe your face and wash your face," which is something I couldn't stop laughing at.
41 Wuhan old Tongcheng bean skin is very delicious.
When I went to eat, I said to the cashier, "Let's have a bowl of "dippy"!
42 Xi'an said rice for rice, students from Xi'an back, into the restaurant, shouted: "boss, take a bowl of rice!" The boss chilled!
43 Master, give me a grilled chicken.
44 Once, the students stuttered, I was anxious: you straight (tongue) head stroke tongue (straight) in the speech!
45 Once my friend and classmates said he really is a charm four splash, friends corrected is four shot, and then my friend said very loudly; I have to splash!
46 Junior high school morning study, the language class representative on the blackboard to write
"Silent reading of the 15th lesson text", the table came, while looking at the blackboard
while reading "black dog read the 15th lesson text"
47 A boy who grew up on the beach was boasting to us that he grew up eating seafood, saying, Inside the birds of prey, I usually don't eat pigs, cows and sheep, and often eat seafood.
48 Once on the way to school, I saw an old grandfather sweeping the steps, because I often saw him sweeping, and I know that he is obliged to do so, and I was a little bit touched.
I went up to talk to that old grandfather and he was going to ask how old he was, and then he opened his mouth and said, "How old are you?"
The words
The words
The words
Exit that sweat ah 。。。。。。
49 When I was in school, I went to the cafeteria. When ordering, I ordered a "Meat Skin Rasgulla".
50 Politics teacher class in the inevitability of the development of things, talking about human beings, give us an example, came to the sentence: for example, people change apes!
51 Listened to a MM in the cafeteria shouting "Give me a bowl of white flour ~!
52 When I was in school, a phone call came to me one day
Schoolmates picked up and handed it to me and said, "Your mom."
I took the phone while I blurted out: "male female"
Everyone laughed wildly, and I was laughed at for 4 years
53 In junior high school, we beat up a man, and pressed him to the ground, and he said: "You can be humiliated, but not to be killed!
61 In junior high school, I bought a pretty nice cup. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to get a good deal on the price. I said, not, I deliberately bought two,
One to brush teeth, a mouthwash 。。。。
62 The mother of one of the students in the dormitory called
I used to say "he is not in", but this time I wanted to say "has gone out"
The result was: "He's...gone."
63 One time my mom asked me to collect my clothes from the balcony, and when I did, I asked her where to put them, and she was cooking, and without looking back, she said, "Sand
Put out the clothes! " I stayed there.
64 gg handed me a sorbet and I took a bite and yelled, "It's hot!"
65 Going to eat noodles ~~~ said to the boss: soup bowl two noodles 。。。。。 The owner of the company is stumped.
66 and my sister went to Li-Ning to buy shoes, my sister opened her mouth: "Miss, how much is a catty of this shoe?"
67 Once I shot my dormitory classmate's stomach, she said loudly, "Don't shoot, I have pee in my stomach."
68 Classmates to buy tickets, back we asked her to buy what tickets, there is no seat, she said to buy a standing seat, we were confused and asked her in the end
is it standing or sitting.