Prepare one hundred yuan. Fold it in half, fold it in half again, put it on the ground and step on it. Pick it up and see if the person on it has a nosebleed, if they do it is real. If you don't have a nosebleed, it's real. If you don't have a nosebleed, it's fake
A governor with a heavy accent went to the village to make a report: "Rabbits, shrimps, pig tails! No pickles, pickles are too expensive!!!"
(Translation: Comrades, villagers, pay attention! Don't talk, we're having a meeting now!!!)
After the governor finished his speech, the host said, "Savory dishes please, sausage and melon!
(Interpretation: The township chief will now speak!)
The township chief said, "Rabbits, today's meal dogs eat, everyone is a big wangbang!"
(Translation: Comrades, there's enough rice for today, everyone is a big bowl!)
No soy sauce melon, I pick up a dog shit for you to lick．
(Translation: don't talk, I'll tell you a story...)
Prev: The wind is blowing, the rain is falling, I'm waiting for you to call me back. Bottom line: live for you, die for you, wait for you for the rest of my life. Crosstalk: sent to the wrong person.
Forest Games kangaroo, monkeys for jumping high by the lion king praised, the bear was criticized defiantly said: I want to jump over the bridge tomorrow! Lion King: look at you bear-like still in the bridge ah bridge it (you still see ah!)
I heard that a toad jumped out of Lake Taihu today and was run over by a car, I've been very worried about what I've heard, and I'll text you right away, so if you're still alive, please reply to me!
Jianghu know that you are strong in martial arts, but you can not be proud, to do people in the sword, sword in the people, people sword unity, do this, you are no longer a person, is the sword people! Sword man! Sword man!
Look at you, American head, French waist, Indian nose, Hong Kong feet, man is not human, ghost is not a ghost, only one head, two legs, look at you, still looking at the text message grinning!
The red sun blue sky, farmers want to see the third level of film, excitedly rushed into the cinema, angry shouting shocked the sky. The mayor of the village came to ask what the matter, the farmers said, "read the text message of the man does not star in the movie, killed us also do not give money.
Itchy palms? That means I miss your caresses; itchy lips? That represents I miss your hot kiss; body itchy ...... that represents you dirty, still not quick to take a bath!
You are hardworking like a bee, beautiful like a butterfly, loyal like a puppy, well-behaved like a kitten, naive like an old cow, and mighty like a tiger, so it's no wonder that other people call you ...... a beast!
Life to the ancient who has no shit, who poop does not use paper? If you don't use toilet paper, could it be that you use your fingers?
It is a gust of wind, but it is so eternal; it is a dream, but it is so real; you bowed your head and did not say anything, but it is difficult for me to calm down, and I finally can not help but to say to you, "fart first say ah!"
If there is no wind, the clouds will not move; if there is no water, the fish can not swim; if there is no sun, the moon will not have light; if there is no you ...... stupid people also do not exist
Morning I can not eat, because I want you, at noon I can not eat, because I think more of you, the night I can not eat, because I think of you madly, night I can not sleep, because ............ I am hungry
I heard that your cell phone does not have a text message function, so I sent this text message test. If you receive it and it confirms that there is a text message function and that it is from me, please reply to me: I have it and it's from you!
The cell phone rings once, on behalf of I want you; two voices, good want you! Three sounds, miss you very much! Four rings, miss you very much; five rings - little man, time to pick up the phone!
I am a lonely tree, thousands of years standing on the side of the road, lonely waiting, just for one day when you walk past me, for you to fall, smashing not flat you even if you live in vain.
The beggar took the monkey along the street begging, he called the monkey laugh it laugh, called the monkey cry it cry, called the monkey bow it bow, called the monkey look at the text message it look at the text message.
The day you participated in the ball game, only to see you a shot in the air, the goalkeeper did not react, the ball scored! We all applauded and cheered for you, you climbed up, patted your ass and said, "Damn, the ground is too slippery!
When you pick up the mirror and look at your round face, high nose, charming eyes, sexy mouth, blessed ears, you will loudly exclaim ---- pig ah!
The water tribe to the old Dragon King birthday wishes, the seat turtle prime minister from his arms out of a thing, looked at it, and put it back. The dragon king asked: turtle prime minister and what is the matter? Shrimp soldiers and crab generals hurriedly replied: the old bastard again received a text message.
Last night, my friend thought of countless, think about it, only you are the coolest, dreaming to find you a thousand degrees, raise dyeing back, you do throw was bolted in the depths of people's donkey shed, cruel! I'm sorry, but I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this! After reading the information to rest your anger!
Are you free tomorrow afternoon? I want to go to you, you to the station to pick me up okay? But I'm afraid of the crowd is not good to recognize, you make the head into an explosion style, right hand holding a wooden stick, the left hand end a porcelain bowl with me to contact, the joint code: okay okay!
I dreamed of you, you use the white clouds to make a dress, borrow a pair of wings from the birds, insert a broomstick in the back of the buttocks, and then the sword to fly to my side, told me fondly: you know what? The birdman is like this.
We thought there was a better one, but we realized that the best one is right next to us, just like you. At first you appeared, and not for the fact that, with the passage of time, only to find that you are the best ...... bully!
I am determined to do 3 big things for the whole country: 1 to Mount Everest to repair the elevator 2 to the Great Wall to paste tiles 3 to the plane An inverted gear; to do 3 small things: 1 to the flies to wear gloves 2 to the mosquitoes to wear masks 3 to you to feed some pig feed.
You travel to Xishuangbanna, Yunnan, on the way to meet a group of wild boars besieged, travelers are out of food, money, wild boars do not move, you pull out the only ID card, the group of pigs kneeling and cried out in pain: boss, we can find you!
You are 10 foot womanizer, and often with 9 for fun, 8 may not be home with hundreds of millions of dollars, long years of abandonment of 7 ignore, all day 6 da, looking for prey, 5 need to ask more, and 4 sex does not change, but also 3 heart 2 intention, you must not be a good person.
You look creative, living is your courage, ugly is not your intention, without you, who can set off the beauty of the world!
Tiger after reading the Three Kingdoms, went to catch wild boar, see the pig's nest without a pig, touching his beard and said: empty city! Turned around and saw a dead pig on the beast clip, big surprise: bitter meat trick! Suddenly, I saw you again, and I was delighted: Yoho, there is a beauty plan ah!
The toad pursued the swan, the swan said disdainfully: I if you grow into such a long time ago to die! Toad is not convinced: that pig is still alive and well? The pig heard, feel aggrieved: I invited who messed with who, I just read the text message!
There is a kind of thought called soul, there is a kind of love called white head to old age, there is a kind of beauty called flowers and moonlight, there is a kind of agreement called the end of days, there is a kind of greetings called piggy hello!
I don't want to be alone, I also want to have, walk on the street to see a look, handsome men and women hand in hand, but my left hand holding the right hand, now there is nothing else, just want to go out with you, and afraid of friends will say: all right, don't always sneak the dog.
A military exercise, a shell deviated from the far, I was sent to check, found that the shell exploded in the farmland, you stood there, ragged clothes, full of black eyes, eyes with tears, said to me: to steal a cabbage guilty of shelling it!
I miss the days when we walked together in the bright spring sunshine, the birds and the flowers. The townspeople all complimented you on how beautiful and lovely you were. They also praised me for being so smart and capable of herding hogs at such a young age.
When you are personally empty and lonely, the watermelon may be your best outlet, you can use the knife to cut it, peel it, chop it, split it, at the same time you can shout: I kill the melon, I kill the melon, I kill the melon ah!
1 "The new diva" in the dormitory hissed and sang rock and roll: "I want to change, I want to change ......" is reading a book "bookworms "Suddenly looked up and asked, "Isn't the toilet empty?"
2 school men and women bath with a door, so there are often students of the opposite sex meet things, quite embarrassing. One day, the bookworm walked to the door, just met a schoolgirl was
Liquid out of the shape, the bookworm dodged too late to greet said: "Inside the people not?"
3On one occasion, my friend and I ate at a restaurant together. We sat there and waited for the waiter to serve us. After a while, a beggar brought a
a bowl to my friend's back and touched him gently, imagining that he wanted money. My friend was chatting with even thought it was the waiter to serve the meal, did not
have to turn back to the beggar's hands to take the rice bowl over to the front of a put. We were all flabbergasted there the beggar is crying (killed him
I would not have thought that this is also someone to grab a bowl) ~ ~ ~
4 college when I met a buddy on campus, a beautiful woman, love at first sight, every day on the soul. One day at noon when he and I went out to eat, that
beauty is passing by, my buddy immediately pulled me close behind, see that beauty into a side of the restaurant, so we also sat in. I advised
My buddy: "are senior, hold tight which ~" so he mustered up the courage to go up to the front, hold red face asked: "classmates what do you call?" That beauty
women flabbergasted at my buddy: "I called beef noodles." My buddy was dumbfounded, and I laughed beside him!
5The child asked his mom, "Why do you call Mr. Chiang 'ancestor'?" Mom said, "Because 'forefathers' is the name given to dead people."
The child said, "And isn't it called 'fresh milk' for a dead grandmother?"
6One of the brothers who used to be in the dormitory suddenly sat up at 4 a.m. and yelled, "Get up, you're late for class!" Then immediately two of them got up and put on their
clothes. At that time, I was playing pc.
7 one night after eating my most hated bitter melon said out: "XXX (even mom's name) you the girl and then give me to do bitter melon you give me to go
death .....". At that time may roar very big it, sleep in another cabinet mom heard, the next morning she was furious to even interrogated a
tan after ...... I'm not sure if you're going to be able to get a good look at this, but I'm sure you can. It can be said to be hanging beating ......
8 a classmate, went horseback riding during the day, the night is still excited, and then fell asleep, we played cards, after a while, the man said: "Giddy up! I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do that. Giddyup! I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do that.
Hey! Giddyup! Giddyup! Giddyup! Giddyup! Giddyup !!!!!
9 There was a student who liked to smoke while he was pooping, and once he just came out of the bathroom and said loudly to us, "Ah~~Pulling a cigarette and smoking shit is really cool``"
Madness
10The first thing I used to do when I went back to my dormitory was always to ask, "Is there anyone looking for a phone to call me? ...
11One time, and the dormitory roommate fight, he said I could not win, scolded a "you are my grandfather's son!" The whole room was quiet for a second and then laughed wildly!
12 even when I was a child once ate something to eat a bad stomach, the next day to the teacher to write a sick note: "Teacher, I ate something bad yesterday, the stomach is not comfortable
service, the morning get up on the diarrhea under the vomit." Chill ah, I do not know what teachers think
13 once with a cousin at home for dinner, accidentally poured soup, Kleenex are used up, cousin busy shouting "quickly, quickly, go to the toilet paper to get the toilet
14 table things fell to the ground, bend down to pick up 偶用脚踩之, unexpectedly stepped on the hand of its anger: "Dare to step on my feet? I'm sorry."
15 on high school, classroom discipline chaos, the teacher in a fit of rage grabbed XXX, said: XXX, you give me to stand on the wall to go! ~~~~~~~~~~ class storm
chill~~~
16 once foreign teachers in the large classroom lectures SHOW Mandarin, would have liked to give him a face, praised him Mandarin speak really standard, but exported into your
standard language speak really common, cold, people are laughing at me.
17 and MM in the sale of soybean milk before the stalls, I shouted: "boss, want a soybean milk". MM storm laughed.
18 Even the high school language teacher said in class: you are dead cat meets blind rat results. The whole classroom burst into laughter!
19 on the third grade when a classmate's birthday night to invite us to dinner I went home and my mother said: "Mom, today my classmate's wedding night to invite me
dinner! "
20The restaurant was huge, I shouted: boss, a chili without seasoning 。。。。 The waiter also repeated loudly: table 11, add a chili without
seasoning!!!!
21Me: That's our physics teacher.
Student: teaches what a?
Me: Chemistry....
22 mom went out to play mahjong before, said to me: "you put all the clothes in the refrigerator, pick up the dishes inside the washing machine grams ~~~~~
23 one day I ground MM went out to buy things! Suddenly saw a crow flying through the sky quacking! So from her mouth crashed out a sentence: "Oops this green
frog flying really low! Dizzy me
24 I always make this mistake ...... because I talk too much
Middle school once read the text, it is XX in the corridor wandering, I read into the XX in the corridor lewd ...... teacher's face is red.
High school when and classmates out, the school side of a China Everbright Bank, just opened, so the sign is still hanging on the red cloth ...... but that cloth hangs
in the word blocked the word ...... I read into the "Guo Guangda Bank"...... classmates laughed like crazy, a few years I could not lift my head ah!
25One of our dormitory to drink too much to go to pee and then bring out a cold saying: urine drink more, the wine will be particularly more....
26On one occasion, I listened to the radio, it is a shopping guide hotline, there is a call in, the host asked him: "Your name ah? "
He replied: "No surname Wang! ~~~~~"
27 buy oranges, boss: a dollar five a catty. I: too expensive, five dollars for three pounds. Boss: no no no.
28 to the quick reaction of the granny: the day you sat on the bus, 252 driver's emergency braking, you are unsteady center of gravity rushed out, even asked the driver:
"Looking for me what is the matter?"
29 To my dear students: Although I'm really busy, please don't say to me when you see me in the restroom, "Instructor, you're so busy you still come to
the restroom by yourself!"
30 days is very hot, the school but the power outage, from the day until 10 p.m. at night, our girls dormitory is very quiet at night, we are on the balcony to cool off, boys
dormitory but very lively, a commotion, the boys seem to have reached some kind of **** knowledge, only to hear across the corridor came the organized shouting: "incoming calls, come
electricity, we want to incoming calls!" About 10 minutes later, the school actually came on the phone, there was a cheer from across the hall, and the dormitory area calmed down.
When it was lights out at 11 p.m., the boys started shouting in unison again because the blackout was so short: "Delay, delay, we want delay!"
The school, which has always been harsh, actually agreed to the group's unreasonable request and extended the call time for the first time ever.
Just as we were about to take a break, something happened that I will never forget. Perhaps the boys were overly excited that 2 of their normally impossible
requests were actually being fulfilled by the school, so ............. Across the street from the boys' dormitory came a more organized and powerful chant:
"Women .... Women ........ We want women!!!"
31The tiger doesn't send a cat, you think I'm critically ill!
32 My friend asked me about my computer configuration, and I said the monitor is a color screen. (I was going to say LCD)
33Classmate's high school classmate (a boy) walked into the noodle shop cool to throw his hair: "Boss, 2 two green onions do not want rice noodles!" Finished also added a sentence:
"More under the rice noodles ah!" Boss: "。。。。 In the end you want rice noodles or onions"
34, once in the dormitory classmate's mother called over
I used to say "he is not in", but this time I would like to say is "has gone out! "
The result is: "He has ... not in"
35, high school when each person issued a badge. Once to check before, the class teacher ran to the classroom shouted, everyone quickly put on the bra up, to check
la. The whole room was silent.
36. Once my uncle saw my sister-in-law applying Dabao and suddenly exclaimed, "Your skin is so good that you still use Lancel?"
37, my dormitory a high school classmate called, he said to find who, I said no, and then said thank you
38, before someone else came to my aunt's house as a guest, just enter the door. It just so happened that my aunt had to go to the bathroom. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "You sit ha
Sit ha, I go to the toilet to pour you some tea!"
39, we have a car to work in the morning, because the car is not big, once, a mm car did not seat
place, sit next to me, a male colleague busy stood up, warmly greeted her and said: "so-and-so, you sit on my ass it!" I was
laughing until I got out of the car!
40, when the university, a classmate and I argued the issue, a moment in the wind, in the heat of the moment, a slap on the table to get up and yell: you're nonsense, I'm not
not stupid!
41, a buddy of mine to go on a blind date, back to everyone asked him how, buddy said: this girl really brown. Noon to meal time, 2 people into a
beef ramen restaurant, the girl said loudly to the master: Hey, to pull 2 bowls of ~ ~ ~ ~ ramen master said: Do you eat? I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do that, but I'm going to be able to do it.
42, when I was a child popsicle ice-cream are generally pushing a bicycle hawking, once, in the house to hear an aunt shouted: new to the ice-cream, hot
. (Estimated aunts used to sell oil cakes and doughnuts)
43 a leadership inspection of the Board of Education intercollegiate exercise, the end of the physical education teacher should have announced the "disbandment", but in the heat of the moment, I forgot the words, held back
half a day, shouted: "retreat! "
44. When I was in college, I went to Hengshan to play, when I climbed half of the mountain, I was tired and wanted to take a break when I saw the roadside there is a souvenir to buy Obasan,
Up to the open mouth to ask: "Wife ........".
45. On the self-study time, everyone is looking at the review, GG said to MM: "I just memorized the words, to help mimeograph." MM does not want to silent, GG will
beg her, you (touch) silent me, (touch) me! The result is that MM can't stand it and shouts, "Teacher, I don't want to (touch) him, but he
wants me to (touch) him~~~~!
46. One day to go to a classmate's home for dinner, drink a little wine, her father suddenly came in, would have liked to shout uncle, the results said the wrong, said: "Dad,
Come seat!" ~~chill! A large group of students laughed to death
47. My colleague argued with someone, anxious to open his mouth and came to the sentence "You think I'm eating to grow up ah?" I've always wondered what he grew up eating."
48. Primary school a very nasty boys to find me borrow rubber, I do not borrow, he was stalking, and then I used all my strength to roar a
"I do not marry (borrow) to you" at that time, the students immediately quiet down,,,,.
49. a ktv, point song, a mm shouted: give me a point a week cut stick "double Jay" ......
50. I spit in your face shit!
51This morning, I went to work to catch the bus, and when I got to the platform, the bus had already started. So I had to chase after it and shout:
"Master, wait for me! Master, wait for me!"
Then a passenger poked his head out of the window and said to me, "Goku, just stop chasing."
52 A customer ran into the tailor's store in exasperation,
and pointing to the fashions the owner had designed for him, said, "I was standing on the corner of the street yawning, and two men shoved a letter in my mouth!"
53 An elementary school student was especially nervous about her first school recitation contest, and her teacher encouraged her for a long time, but her palms were still sweaty. Finally, it was her turn. The elementary school student gritted her teeth and took a few steps to the center of the stage: Teachers, classmates, I recite the title is: red leaves crazy (maple) ...... (Maple Leaf Red)
54 Or an elementary school student, to see the teacher point to read the composition of the classmates, especially envious, always looking forward to the teacher can also let himself read a time.
The opportunity came at last.
So-and-so, read your essay to us!
The youngest student stood up with a prancing voice: "My Teacher". Teacher, how much I resemble your mother ......
55This time it was a song-and-dance troupe of poorly schooled presenters.
One performance, rushed on stage without proper preparation beforehand. The show went on in sequence. It was her turn to announce the curtain: Audience members, please listen to the following
Calf (solo) flute playing ......
56My family used to plant onions in pots in winter to keep them fresh. My sister came home for New Year's Eve and saw it, and said to my mom
with delight: hey! Mom, this thick real onion ...... My mom and I both fell down laughing.
57There is a neighbor I call Great Aunt who rides her bicycle to work every day. Early in the morning, ran into her at the door, I smiled and politely said: on the aunt ah,
Daiban ...... Shucks,...... I was dying to bite my tongue off.
58 A female classmate, one day to look at the shadow of self-pity, suddenly turned his head to the person behind him and said: my chest hair beautiful or not? The man jumped, and said: Oh, I was
wanting to ask if my eyebrows are fierce.
59 When I was an elementary school student, I made a resolution in the whole school assembly: we have to learn the revolutionary spirit of the Red Army to cross the snowy mountains and climb the grassland. Since then
Life-long deprivation of the right to political speech!
60 When I was a kid, my dad told me that there was a text written about Liu Hulan in the language book, and when Liu Hulan took the initiative to admit to the Japs that she was *** to save the lives of all the
village people, an old man stepped in to save her, and the line was: Xiaoxiangzi, are you crazy? But in the days of ***, a poor
child from the countryside reads aloud: little crazy, you fragrant?
61 high school teacher let my desk read aloud the text, this woman has always been known for reading aloud vividly, that day is also the same holding the textbook staccato
read aloud:
...... He stood firm on his sentry post in the blizzard, a steel rifle clutched in his hand ...... (Original text)
What we hear .....
...... He held his sentry post in the blizzard, a steel pen clutched in his hand ......
.... There was a silence in the class, the teacher fell down laughing, after which the students fell ....
62 All rise! The national flag is played, and the national anthem is raised...
63 I took my son to feed the ducks. He was chasing the ducks around while spreading breadcrumbs on them, and I was chasing him behind with his apple (which he didn
t like to eat, so I had to wait for the opportunity to slip him a few bites when he was distracted). He kept running, and I kept yelling at him: come here, take a bite of the apple
and then chase the duck! Always repeating this line, I finally shouted out loud: come here and have a bite of duck ...... And then very smartly braked the gate.
64I remember when I was in elementary school, there was a piece of text called Waterfalls, in the middle of which it said that the author turned a mountain to see a waterfall hanging down the mountain, one of my
female classmates read aloud also read in a voice: Turned this mountain, I was stunned, a rag hanging on the mountain.
The whole class
was stunned.
65 There is also a line from a text taken from a novel by a Russian author that reads: All the houses here belong to the lords (meaning the rich).
As a result, one of my male classmates read aloud: All the houses here belong to the lords. As soon as the words left his mouth, our language teacher asked him suspiciously:
Where do all the old ladies live?
66 the most classic is I once watched Dou Wentao talk about his own just when the host of the embarrassing things, cut not to say the opening hug into the curtain ..... The most let me spit is
He said Once hosted a party, calmly go up, said with deep emotion: friends, you have seen the Yellow River? You know it is our mother
pro river~~
After some affectionate introduction of the Yellow River, he said: the following please listen to the "Song of the Yangtze River"
67. Once I drove, sitting next to me, a female colleague suddenly asked: "How do you drive without a condom?"
68. I went home on the weekend, and after dinner, I was addicted to cigarettes, and I was going to go for a walk on the pretext. In the door to change shoes, Dad asked me why I go? I said: "to loose a
smoke!". The first thing I did was to get the money to pay for the purchase of a new car. The result is that my dad found a pack of white goods from me, and he gave me a hard time.
69 In computer class, a student had a problem with his machine, so he yelled; "Boss, change the machine!"
70 Once I went to McDonald's to buy a sweet bucket, finally it was my turn, I couldn't wait, "Give me two rollers!" . I didn't expect the waitress to say to me in a loud
sounding voice; "Two rollers for four dollars!" .
71I ran into a long desired girl out of the bathhouse, want to set close, held half a day to hold out a sentence: "You bath ah, inside the male more
not much ah? ".
72 There is a teacher overnight mahjong, see the blackboard did not wipe, angry: "Today who do Zhuang ah? The blackboard is not even wiped!" .
73 was left by the teacher to do his homework, will not do it to copy others, and then went to the office to hand in his homework, saw the teacher said, "I finished copying!" .
74 A certain gentleman was particularly nervous on the day he took his driver's license test. The examiner gave him a hard time and told him to park on the side of the road where there was a fire hydrant. This gentleman was particularly nervous
said, "Report the fire hydrant, there is an examiner on the side of the road, parking is not allowed!" .
75 When Kentucky Chicken just came out with the Power Chicken Popcorn, an old lady ran up to it and told the waitress, "Get a Power Chicken Popcorn." Laugh until you die ~~~~
76In the Internet cafe, a student suddenly raised his hand and shouted, "Teacher, help me open the cheaters."
After that, in his honor, we always yelled at the teacher in gym class, "Webmaster! He turns on the cheaters!"
77 buy oranges, the boss: a dollar five a catty. I: too expensive, five dollars for three pounds. Boss: No no no.
78 One day to eat.
"Rice, how my lady has not come, come on"
79. Just now I was reading this post while eating cream cake, next to the gg suddenly said, you eat beans like this, can not grow cream....
80 in the Internet cafe, even brain thinking about the next machine, mouth want to say checkout, so shouted: "boss, checkout (hijacking) machine!"