On the other hand, when parenting has become a circle, mothers in it, whether in China or the United States, are faced with the problem of how to integrate into this circle. Interestingly, whether in China or the United States, the parenting style of elite and middle-class families seems to have become a war for mothers alone. Dad is responsible for making money, supporting the family, tutoring the children, collecting information and breaking into the social circle of parents. These responsibilities should naturally fall on stay-at-home mothers, even though they all have bright academic qualifications and excellent work experience.
We interviewed Dr. Wednesday Martin, the author of "I am a mother, I need a platinum bag", and Amber, the author of "Going ashore", to see what the elite mothers in China and the United States have experienced and gained in this parenting war.
As a model of chicken baby, Haidian mother has always been regarded as the desperate three mothers in the education war. Amber first heard the concept of "chicken baby" when her son Peanut was in the fourth grade next semester. At that time, she felt that she was a foreigner, and she was unfamiliar with such names as "Six Xiaoqiangs in Haidian" and "Kengban". She had no idea how difficult it was to send her children to any junior high school in "Six Xiao Qiang", but soon, amber, who knew nothing about it, was involved in Haidian's mother's parenting exam.
When Amber recalled her experience at that time, she repeatedly lamented that her parenting anxiety started relatively late compared with her parents now. "On the one hand, because we didn't have a circle of friends at that time, if there is no offline communication, you won't know what others are doing. Everyone is in a blind spot. There is no obvious contrast and it is not easy to be anxious. " After the popularity of WeChat, people have more and more sources to get information, and many media will also focus on reporting and publicizing some experiences of Niu Wa. Under the pressure of many parties, the parents' battle for chickens and babies will start earlier and earlier.
amber
Interestingly, Venesti Martin, who lives in Manhattan, new york, expressed the same feeling when talking about this topic. Compared with Haidian mothers who regard the junior high school entrance examination as the first official battle, the parenting war of Upper East Side mothers began much earlier. The Martin family moved to the Upper East Side when her son was two years old, which was the beginning of her parenting anxiety. However, in her opinion, she is still a lucky one, because other Upper East Side mothers have been anxious about parenting since the moment of pregnancy-they need to give birth in the most correct month.
"For mothers on the Upper East Side, if they are pregnant at the right time, they can let their children be born in the right month, so that when applying for kindergarten, they will not miss the best opportunity because of the month of birth. To this end, mothers even use some medical technology to ensure that the timing of their pregnancy is the best. "
Resources are another key word in the parenting war. Amber mentioned that there are generally two ways for Haidian mothers to raise chickens: one is to raise chickens by themselves, and the other is to outsource. In order to help children do their homework better, Amber, who became a stay-at-home mother, began to study Olympic Mathematics and English with her children: in order to improve efficiency, she would look at topics that her son could not understand, listen to the teacher's explanation, and then explain to him what his son could not understand; In English, she simply signed up for an online IELTS seven-point class in New Oriental, spent three or four months reviewing, and finally got 7.5 points.
Parents who are relatively busy at work can choose to outsource their babies through money. The most extreme example is the art test. "Some children turned to music and art because of poor grades. The cost of this kind of small class or one-on-one tutoring is much higher than that of ordinary subject classes. At the same time, these children have to take exams (high school level exams). A friend around me found a one-on-one teacher for each subject in order to let the children pass the exam. It costs 500,000-600,000 a year, which is enough to buy several platinum bags. "
On the Upper East Side, money also plays a vital role in raising children, but for most middle-class people who are not short of money, money may be the least important factor in this war. Martin mentioned that in most cities in the United States, parents can send their children directly to the nursery in their neighborhood. They are almost free, and there is not much difference. But in hierarchical Manhattan, the richest and most powerful parents send their children to the expensive Diller-Quayle Music School when they are one year old. "This is a school that needs a lot of connections to send your children."
Venetian Martin, Ph.D. in Anthropology, Yale University
Buying a school district is only the first step for Upper East Side mothers. Getting into a good nursery is the ticket to a good primary school, middle school or even university. Because it started too late, many people told Martin that she had missed the registration deadline of most nurseries.
"My husband used all his connections. He has a relative's friend who works in a nursery on the Upper East Side, so we signed up at the last minute. After that, I joined the circle of Upper East Side mothers, which led my son to move to a better nursery. Later, when my second son was born, I applied for this nursery. "
Recalling this competition for nursery resources, Martin said in his book: "The director of the nursery is simply the most powerful person in Manhattan. Being able to enter these nurseries is like having a townhouse and a big diamond, which means that you have a lot of contacts and connections, which is equivalent to entering a direct class in a school. "
No one knows who hit harder, the Haidian mother who signed up for class crazily and the Upper East Side mother who tried to squeeze into the top apartment, but there is no doubt that the war of education has never stopped in Haidian District and Upper East Side.
If the competition for money and resources is the background of the parenting war, then the more serious question is: Is this a war in which only women participate?
Both Martin and Amber mentioned in an interview that although their family is a family with a reasonable distribution of men and women, women still bear most of the childcare responsibilities. In Amber's family, the husband is usually responsible for running errands, contacting and picking up the children, all of which need to be "moved", but he still undertakes more trivial parts such as tutoring children and planning for further study.
"From the general situation, my mother may pay a lot more than my father. On the one hand, fathers will have greater work pressure; On the other hand, dad's requirements may not be as high as mom's, and he will feel that it is almost enough, so don't be so tired. Mothers are worried that they will see all kinds of situations in the process of accompanying their children. The more you participate in education, such as accompanying your children to remedial classes, the more things you see at school, the more you will have a sense of urgency. This is also a cycle. The less you manage, the less anxious you are, and the more you manage, the more anxious you are. "
Mothers in Haidian District work hard for their children's study, while mothers in Upper East Side need to worry about whether their clothes can fit into the local "ladies circle". When he first moved to the Upper East Side, Martin was writing a book about his stepmother. Besides, he has to take care of the children during the day and can only study and write at night, so he often stays up late. Because it is difficult to get up early, she originally wanted the nanny to send her children to the nursery every day, but she soon found that this didn't work at all on the Upper East Side. "Because if I don't pick him up to school, I won't be able to integrate into the circle of Upper East Side mothers; If I don't fit in, there will be no children at school who want to play with my children. "
Therefore, Martin had to change his plan. At first, she got up every day and put on a sweater, trousers and coat. After brushing her teeth, she went out. Sometimes she doesn't even comb her hair and marks her face with a pillow when she sleeps. However, she found herself among them, because other mothers all look exquisite: they wear perfect makeup and fashionable clothes, and everyone has a good figure; After sending the children away, they will go to a charity breakfast or a charity luncheon together.
In order to look like them, Martin has to get up an hour early every day. "Mothers on the Upper East Side have strict dress code: you need to bring the right bag (Hermes platinum bag or Chanel bag), dress appropriately and fashionably, and understand the fashion trends at that time."
As an anthropologist, this phenomenon troubled Martin on the one hand, and made her interested in research on the other. In her view, the reason why Upper East Side mothers value clothes so much and even regard a Hermes platinum bag as an invitation to enter this circle is precisely because Manhattan has a deep-rooted "culture of women showing off their bodies". In Manhattan, almost all families have a similar division of labor: men are responsible for making money and women are responsible for raising children. This makes many upper-class women quit their jobs and become full-time wives under the pressure of the society's demand for a perfect female image, even if they have a high degree and can find a good job. When men become women's full source of income, women will become extremely vulnerable, because "men have the right to abandon them at any time-if they lose their husbands, they will lose all resources."
"On the Upper East Side, men are a scarcer resource, and they monopolize a lot of work resources. In such an environment, women must make their appearance look beautiful, attractive and pleasing to men, which is the only way for them to gain wealth and security. This also means that there is strong same-sex competition between women. Not only do you need to maintain your existing marriage relationship through exquisite dressing, but you also need to let other women know that you are at the top of the food chain-don't fantasize about taking your husband away through beauty. "
In Amber's view, this is also the most important difference between Haidian mother and Upper East Side mother. Compared with the Upper East Side mother who pursues fashion and exquisiteness, Amber thinks that Haidian mother pays more attention to practicality, and few people will dress themselves up beautifully when they pick up their children. She still remembers wearing a little clothes and a skirt because of an interview. When she arrived at the school gate, some parents she knew said to her, "You are really dressed." "I was quite embarrassed at the time, because most of my mother's clothes were gray, which made me look particularly bright. This feeling is very strange. "
Amber also observed that many friends around her experienced a certain degree of "consumption degradation" after giving birth to their children: they used to buy Italian luxury brands such as MaxMara, but now they buy fast fashion brands such as Zara and Uniqlo; Those who used to buy big-name bags now simply learn and think about the canvas bags in New Oriental.
"But everyone is not deliberately frugal, but these are not important, and they have no mind to go shopping, buy bags and buy beautiful clothes. All their thoughts are on the children. We like carrying canvas bags very much, because we are light in weight and can hold many books. Backpacks are also very popular with mothers, and it is not very tiring to carry a lot of books. "
However, Martin also specifically mentioned in the interview that the occurrence of the epidemic is quietly changing all this. On the one hand, the epidemic has increased the pressure on mothers to raise their children, because most families can no longer hire nannies, so women need to take on more housework. On the other hand, the epidemic has freed the mothers on the Upper East Side from the pressure of long-term self-display. Because they have nowhere to go and no one to show, they no longer need to think about what bags to carry and what clothes to wear, and go to the gym every day to compete with other women. "Now many mothers enjoy this state, although some mothers want to use the time of home isolation to practice their bodies more perfectly."
If China's children want to go to 985 only by the college entrance examination, then American children want to go to a top school like Harvard University, which has more complicated factors.
Although the official does not give authoritative data, Harvard Crimson, the school newspaper of Harvard University, conducts a comprehensive survey of newly enrolled undergraduates every year and publishes the results on its website.
Family background and income are important parts of this survey, and from the results, Harvard University's preference for wealthy families and alumni children is still obvious.
"Money" is the first label for Harvard freshmen. Among 1083 freshmen (accounting for 76% of freshmen), nearly 30% said that their annual family income was more than $250,000, which was higher than 95% of American families. And the annual income of $250,000 far exceeds the standards of the middle class. Even in new york, where the economic level is relatively developed, a family of three can be regarded as the upper class with such an annual income.
The high tuition fees are obviously an important reason why Harvard has become an elite gathering place. Although Harvard cancelled face-to-face lectures this year due to the epidemic, and students were unable to enjoy public space and offline learning resources, Harvard's tuition fees this year still ushered in three consecutive years of growth. According to official website data, the tuition fee of Harvard University in 2020-202 1 academic year was $49,653, an increase of 4% over last year, which exceeded the inflation rate. If the living expenses such as room and board are included, the reference data given by Harvard officials is $75,000 a year.
High tuition fees are only the first threshold to prevent children from ordinary families from entering Harvard. In fact, in order to increase the chances of admission, it has become a trend to find a career counselor (also called an applicant) for high school children. More than 20% of Harvard freshmen said that they had received help from private consultants during the application stage.
This is not a cheap thing. It is reported that in 2020, the average cost of hiring a career consultant is 4035 dollars, and it is normal for many families to spend more than 100 dollars. Harvard's freshman survey also confirms this conclusion. Among the students who have hired intermediaries, 42.9% come from families with an annual income of more than $250,000, and they have indeed achieved higher SAT scores than their peers.
Money is the most direct criterion, but on the other hand, Harvard University's preference for alumni children also makes it difficult for many children from poor families to get the favor of this ivy league school. Among the freshmen enrolled this year, 12% have parents who graduated from Harvard, and nearly 30% have siblings or other relatives studying at Harvard. Alumni families also mean higher annual income, with 32.58% of alumni children saying that their annual income exceeds 500,000 US dollars.
From the above data, it is not difficult for us to draw a "portrait of Harvard freshmen". Children of alumni whose annual family income exceeds $250,000, who can hire private consultants and graduate from private schools are indeed the easiest students to enter Harvard.
Does the child from that ordinary family have a chance to go to Harvard?
From the data point of view, it is still very possible. Although Harvard is indeed a gathering place for American elites, nearly 30% of the freshmen who entered school last year still came from families with annual incomes below $80,000. But obviously, compared with elite and rich families, ordinary families need to make more efforts to send their children to Harvard.
How much does an average family need to save every month to send their children to Harvard University? The American Consumer News and Business Channel once conducted a survey. If your child was born in 2020 and you want to send him to Harvard University in 2038, you only need to save enough tuition and living expenses for four years (considering the rising tuition and inflation). From now on, you need to save at least $65,438+0,700 every month. Of course, Harvard is not the most expensive. If you want to enter the most expensive rattan school, Columbia University, you should save at least $65,438+0,850 every month.
Although it is true that tuition fees are high and the admission rate is declining, in recent years, Harvard has also made efforts to open its doors to students from all walks of life. One of the important measures is to provide generous financial subsidies to freshmen. This year, for example, 57. 1% of freshmen received financial subsidies from the school, which was basically the same as that in the past five years.
Student loan is another way for ordinary American students to pay the tuition fees of famous private schools, but how to pay off the student loan after graduation has always been a major pain point in American society. According to the statistics of American Consumer News and Business Channel, 70% of American college students will be burdened with heavy student loans when they graduate, with an average of $37,000 per person. On the one hand, this is due to the rising tuition fees of private prestigious schools every year, and on the other hand, many Americans overestimate their salary and repayment ability after graduation.
According to the report of the Federal Reserve Bank of new york, in 20 15 years, 2.8 million elderly people over the age of 60 in the United States were still repaying their student loans, with an average debt of $23,500. Even former US President Barack Obama spent 2 1 year to pay off his college student loan.
From this perspective, this wall built with money has increasingly turned the admission of famous schools into competition among elites.
For most American families, it is a kind of competition to send their children to a prestigious school like Harvard University, regardless of family conditions. But for the richest people in America, sending their children to an Ivy League school is more like a certification of their family wealth and status.
In the admission system of American universities, it is a tacit "hidden rule" that some rich people can guarantee their children to be admitted by donating millions of dollars for a long time. Under this loophole, more and more rich people began to play with this unfair education system with money and power.
2065438+March 2009, the US Department of Justice cracked the biggest college entrance examination fraud case in history. * * * Thirty-five parents paid a high fee to William Zinger, a private education consultant, hoping that he would help their children enter famous schools such as Stanford and Yale.
From 20 1 1 to 20 19, Zinger received $25 million, and these huge "consulting fees" came from traditional upper-class parents: financial enterprise executives, top lawyers, business giants and even Hollywood stars. Zinger mainly helps these children enter famous schools in two ways. The first is to hire "gunmen" or bribe examiners to help students get higher SAT scores. The charge for this service is relatively low, usually $654.38+$00,000 at a time, because even if your SAT score is good, there is no guarantee that students will be admitted to a prestigious school.
In order to better serve these eager parents, Zinger decided to start with another big loophole in the enrollment system of American colleges and universities: bribing college sports coaches and administrators and packaging these students as sports talents or star athletes. Specially recruited sports talents have always been an admission preference of elite universities, and the places are mainly given to rich children who participate in lacrosse, sailing and water polo. The admission data of Harvard University also shows that about 10% of freshmen are sports specialty students every year. Because of their own specialties, they greatly lower the admission threshold of prestigious schools.
Singer took a fancy to this enrollment preference and bribed university sports coaches to recommend designated students to the admissions office, even though these people may not be good at these sports at all. Singh will fake almost any kind of sports major for students' resumes, but "sailing" is his favorite, because it can be easily done by putting students' faces on a sailor with a similar figure with Photoshop. After these fake "sports geniuses" were admitted to prestigious schools, some quit sports teams on the grounds of injury, while others did not participate in activities at all.
Compared with cheating on the SAT, the price of a fake resume is much more expensive, usually between 500,000 and 2 million dollars at a time.
In fact, the Zinger fraud case that shocked the American education community is not an isolated case. Not long ago, it was revealed that a China businessman in Maryland paid a bribe of $65,438+$5,000 to the former fencing coach of Harvard in order to send his two sons to Harvard University.
In an interview with USA-Today, a professor from Harvard University's School of Education mentioned that the reason why such an amazing fraud case occurred in the United States is precisely because the definition of Excellence is getting narrower and narrower: getting high marks in exams, having sports expertise and getting into a good university. "It doesn't matter how much your child can contribute to society. What matters is whether you can play this enrollment game well."
References:
US Consumer News and Business Channel: This is the amount you need to deposit into the 529 savings plan every month to pay for the tuition of each Ivy League school.
USA Today: The Rise of Rick Singh: How the planners of the college enrollment scandal built an empire on lies and used a broken system.
Interview &; Author: Echo