American psychologist Maslow once pointed out that if a person is abandoned or rejected by others, he will feel lonely, depressed, helpless and desperate, and even commit suicide. His student Shu Ci put forward the three basic psychological needs of interpersonal communication in the book Three Dimensions of Interpersonal Behavior, which are tolerance, emotion and control, and expounded this three-dimensional tendency of interpersonal communication on the basis of personality traits, which is manifested as positive personality traits and negative personality traits. This view is of great significance to guide people's interpersonal behavior patterns.
Children who participate in group games can tell at a glance.
Before the 1980s, two children were rare in families, while three or four children were common. Without too much interference from adults, brothers and sisters will share joys and sorrows, take care of each other, and are still good playmates. I roughly calculated that there were 40 children, big and small, in the unit of more than a dozen families on the fourth floor where I lived as a child. There are nearly 30 units in the compound. If you want to play any games, a dozen children will run out to respond. Girls will naturally quarrel and cry when they are laughing and playing; It is also common for boys to get hurt in happy fights. At that time, the most important thing for children was friends and playing games. However, compared with those children who are busy and don't know what depression is, those few only children and those "good children" who are kept at home by their parents can be seen at a glance, because these children often lack a luster on their faces, because they are a little more depressed because of loneliness, and they often use the sign of "unsociable" when interacting with people.
Group tolerance is the foundation of interpersonal needs.
Indeed, every adult will bear the imprint of childhood. Only children and spoiled children often form a "self-centered" behavior pattern with the connivance of their elders and parents. Once they leave home and step into the group, their inner feelings will be quite complicated. On the one hand, driven by instinct and unconsciousness, they are eager to integrate into the collective, but on the other hand, they are accustomed to the acquired self-centered behavior pattern. Because they can't adapt, accept and understand the natural laws of equal quarrel, reasonable collision and normal running-in between peers, they can't tolerate it objectively; Subjectively, I can't accommodate the collective.
When they enter the society, they often find it very difficult to become "social activists" in their activities. Because they have never tolerated themselves well in the group, nor have they regarded the group as the support in their lives, but they have hung themselves in the air alone-the body hanging in the air has no foundation.
The difference between active and passive tolerant behavior
According to personality traits, Shu Ci divides the behavior of psychological need tendency of interpersonal tolerance into active tolerance and passive tolerance. People who are active and tolerant can actively communicate with others, feel comfortable in the group, enthusiastically participate in the confrontation or cooperation between people, actively position themselves in a certain role in communication, flexibly change different roles with the dynamic changes of the group, accommodate people of different levels and personalities, adopt a gregarious attitude, and seek common ground while reserving differences.
People with negative tolerance tend to talk very little. This is due to the self-centered growth experience; The reason is that the interpersonal relationship in his growing environment is too single, and he has no chance to receive all kinds of interpersonal stimulation training. Once they enter the society, they will alienate the crowd. If they are forced to participate in an organization or activity, they can't actively choose their appropriate roles, and passively expect and feel the tolerance of the group in loneliness. They need to be included, but when they are included in the group, they are often in a state of silence and loneliness.
On the same occasion, there are those who enjoy themselves and those who don't.
When attending various parties to communicate information and feelings, you will always find that some people are always full of emotions, speak freely, and are good at adjusting and activating the atmosphere; Some people are used to sitting there listlessly and silently, which makes the organizers very embarrassed. I don't know if he is happy or unhappy. Others take the opportunity to vent their anger, borrow alcohol to spread madness, smash, cry and be annoying.
The release of energy is the emotional demand of interpersonal communication.
Emotion is one of the important means of interpersonal information exchange. In emotional reaction, people realize information transmission and mutual understanding through facial expressions, tone changes and body postures. A person crying sends a signal of discomfort and pain; When a person laughs, it sends a signal of happiness and happiness. Transmitting emotional information is an unintentional release of human psychological energy, while receiving emotional information is a natural feeling of human psychology. They can act on people at any time without restriction, which determines the quality of communication. For example, a sincere smile will attract many friends, while an angry person may scare away many friends.
Expression characteristics of emotion
In emotional communication, some people are good at expressing or transmitting emotional information, while others are good at feeling or receiving emotional information. This presents different emotional expression characteristics of active and passive types.
If a person's social environment is free and open, there are many peers around him, and emotional communication is equal, relaxed and direct, then their emotional expression characteristics are active. If a person's social environment is closed and reserved, and there are few peers around him, but elders or elders, then he should observe their emotions first, and then decide whether to "shout" or "fight". So his emotional expression is passive. Undoubtedly, the connection between these two emotional expression traits depends on the acquired growth environment and experience.
In interpersonal communication, active emotions and passive emotions have positive emotions and negative emotions respectively.
Positive emotions include: understanding, friendliness, intimacy, enthusiasm, concern and sympathy;
Positive negative emotions are manifested as impulsiveness, anger, chatter, contempt and disgust.
Negative and positive emotions are as follows: easy-going, accepting, warm, affectionate and obedient;
Negative negative emotions are cowardice, helplessness, shyness, indifference and boredom.
Emotion permeates our behavior all the time, so we always participate in the communication between people. Therefore, if you are always in a positive emotional state like those people in the story, naturally many people will approach you; If you are like those people who are always in a state of positive and negative emotions, it is inevitable that many people will stay away from you because of disgust; If you are like those people who are always in a passive and positive emotional state, you should either find someone else or expect and accept the emergence of friendship; If you are always in a passive mood like those people, you will stick to your own small circle and become a lonely and silent person.
If it is really "the heart is separated from the belly", how can we understand the mystery of interpersonal communication? In this respect, cognitive theory provides us with a scientific method, that is, using the viewpoint of information processing to study human cognitive activities. Cognition is the initial psychological element of interpersonal communication.
Although Xiao Gan is clever, his psychological quality is not high.
Xiao Gan is a quiet and introverted woman. Shortly after graduating from college, I was introduced to a nice man, and both sides were very satisfied. They got married a year later and had children two years later. In the year of giving birth, Xiao Gan quit his job. It stands to reason that education in infancy is very important, so she stayed at home wholeheartedly and walked around the baby for three years. Now that the baby is in kindergarten, a friend helped her find a place in the entertainment section of the TV station. However, from the simple and calm environment at home, I suddenly jumped into such a noisy and complicated atmosphere. Xiao Gan really doesn't know how to say anything. She won't show herself. She stayed so glum for more than a month. Seeing that others are so busy and talking so lively, she has unspeakable tension and anxiety, and she doesn't know when she can adapt to this job. She even felt depressed that such a job was not suitable for me, so I might as well leave.
The cognitive image of interpersonal communication comes from experience and feeling.
From the perspective of cognitive psychology, the experience of interacting with people is like inputting information into the brain, and the feelings generated when interacting with people are like a software package, which is combined into a file after being processed and realized at that time.
People like Xiao Gan, who are quiet and introverted and have little contact with people, and children who are often locked at home by their parents, lack the objective environment and the ability to communicate with people during their growth, and cannot form the experience and reality of interacting with people, so they cannot form the cognitive image of interpersonal communication. The human brain forms many communication impressions through objective exchange of experience information and continuous input of subjective feelings. When a key is touched, there will be corresponding reflection immediately. However, Xiao Gan's brain is almost blank in these aspects. For such a blank, she will inevitably feel flustered, helpless and lack of self-confidence.
There must be some events or constant communication between people, which will form a series of communication experiences and produce a lot of communication feelings accordingly. Different from the one-way feeling of reading and learning, the feeling of communication is two-way, or multi-directional. The smoothness and embarrassment of a person's communication is not only related to his communication experience, but also related to his mood, temperament, experience, personality and ability at that time. To improve the psychological quality of communication with people, we need to accumulate experience and stimulate feelings, so as to strengthen the cognitive image of communication step by step.
How do you make friends with mercenary people?
Jia Ying once said to someone, "So I am particularly willing to make friends with Peach, not because she looks good, but because she is kind and sincere. She respects others and won't hurt others." I have met many people in business for so many years, but everyone has interests. If there is a conflict of interest, they will hurt each other and fight. Where can there be sincerity and friendliness? I have suffered numerous humiliations under my legs, and I find it difficult to make friends with such people. Sometimes it's really chilling to think about it. "
The cognitive representation of interpersonal communication determines the way and attitude of communication.
In communication activities, conflicts and frictions between people and the expression of feelings will produce corresponding psychological feelings. They can all be used as information or external stimuli, causing various nerve impulses in the brain and leaving "traces". Experience and knowledge are the premise for us to know others in our daily life, and form our communication stereotype. Communication stereotype should be a part of personality. This part of personality includes communication style and attitude. In fact, when interacting with people, we will have various tendencies because of past experiences. For example, Jia Ying's attitude towards communication depends on her likes and dislikes.
The cognitive concept of interpersonal communication depends on capacity and diffusion.
Ability in cognitive psychology refers to sensory threshold and memory ability. The introduction of ability in interpersonal communication reflects the amount of communication information and can determine the level and quality of one's communication. Diffusion in cognitive psychology refers to the degree of perceptual integration and thinking diffusion. Integrating perception and diffuse thinking can determine whether a person is comfortable, comprehensive and harmonious in communication.
Mozi's "into the pale is pale, yellow is yellow", Fu Xuan's "near, near ink is black; Sound and harmony are distinct, and the shape is regular and straight. " These are metaphors of the influence of environment on people, thus forming a certain cognitive concept. However, between the differences of culture and ideas, completely different communication ideas can be formed. Some people like to make friends with the rich to meet the needs of vanity, while others are willing to make friends with the poor and feel simple and practical with them. A person's experience, education level and self-quality can all form his view of interpersonal understanding. From the perspective of information diffusion, if a person has the concept of positive interpersonal cognition, such as friendliness, sincerity, cooperation, respect, trust, helping others, self-confidence, praise, politeness, etc. Then the concept of positive interpersonal cognition pointing to the outside is extensive and has affinity, such as peaches, which not only increases, but also makes many people happy to be friends with her; If a person has negative interpersonal cognitive concepts, such as self-directed communication concepts such as utilization, vanity, selfishness, suspicion, hostility, inferiority, jealousy and aloof, then such negative interpersonal cognitive concepts are narrow and selfish, such as mercenary people, and it is really difficult for them to make real friends.
Clean up the depressed emotions, repair and strengthen the loose and inclined psychological framework, and then you will find that people can actually be very powerful, and the variety and diversity can't stop the good feeling brought by healthy interpersonal communication.
Why did it work, but I was afraid.
Xiao Feng: I used to be the sales manager of a company. I was 1.76 meters tall and good-looking. Standing in the crowd, I am definitely the kind of girl who makes people shine. It is speculated that my career is quite successful. You have a car and a house at a young age. But unfortunately, I found myself caught in a terrible psychological misunderstanding: whenever I get achievements in my work or get affirmation from others, I want to commit suicide irresistibly. For example, whenever I successfully apply for a job or sign an order with a client, my suicidal thoughts are very strong. It's like a terrible shadow. The more I try to get rid of it, the more I can't get rid of it. I am just like ordinary people. Why are others happy when they succeed, but I am a kind of fear?
I have a college classmate. He is an excellent athlete in our class. He plays table tennis very well. But there is a strange rule when he plays table tennis: if he plays well and wins the house applause, the next ball will definitely be bad. Now from the psychological point of view, in fact, this is very simple, that is, the psychological quality is too poor. When he plays a particularly wonderful ball, people's praise will immediately put a psychological burden on him. He wants to play another good game to consolidate his "honor", but he is afraid that playing badly will disappoint people's expectations. This mentality of "wanting to win is more afraid of losing" will inevitably affect his performance, so it is not surprising that he often makes mistakes.
My college classmates, I'm afraid, have the same "phobia of success" as you.
Psychologists have found that most people are uneasy about the stress and anxiety brought by "success", but some people are relatively light and can be easily overcome; But some people are very serious, always shrouded in the shadow of fear, and even put themselves in a desperate situation.
Some people are afraid of success because they are afraid that they can't cope with the pressure of work, that they are not competent enough, and that they may be accused by everyone and criticized by leaders in the future. For example, someone is promoted to an important position, but with the new position comes a lot of gossip and more responsibility and pressure. His job has become more difficult, and he finds it difficult to cope with it, so the best way to escape at this time is to stop holding this position and return to his previous position.
Some people are afraid of being isolated and jealous after success. As the saying goes, they have to be careful everywhere. Even old friends began to alienate him. No one became his confidant, and no one really gave him spiritual support. So he just deliberately slowed down the progress.
In order to avoid responsibility and resist passively, some people drag their feet and try to avoid things that are tedious and boring and they don't like to do.
Some people lose their purpose in life after success. They desperately pursue success before success, but when they succeed, they don't know what their next life goal is. A man with a successful career once said, "My original wishes have come true, and I have enjoyed everything I should enjoy. Now I see through the world of mortals and feel that everything is meaningless. I just want to be a Buddhist. " No wonder the western philosophers said, "There are two kinds of greatest misfortunes in life: one is that one's own desires are always unsatisfied, and the other is that one has realized it but doesn't know what to do in the future." China people once described it like this: "Being poor is easy to thirst, while being rich is easy to annoy. However, the desire of the poor is at the entrance of happiness, and there are still goals and hopes to pursue; The boredom of the rich faces the export of happiness. The phantom of prosperity has been shattered in the back, and there is only the loss and silence of the goal in front. "
These are typical anxiety disorders of success. Successful anxiety patients often understand success not by their own progress and growth, but by whether they are better than others; It's not self-development, but envious eyes gained by competing with others. In their hearts, they often know that they are unsuccessful, because they can always find someone they can't surpass. To this end, they will try to cover up their shortcomings and hope that in the eyes of others, they are a successful person. They always want to gain others' affirmation and recognition through success, but when they succeed, they are afraid that they can't keep this success or meet others' higher expectations.
Such people are often men and women with higher intelligence and have higher expectations of themselves. In their minds, there is no other belief except success. But success is always so far away from them, and the gap between goals and reality is beyond their fragile hearts. The passage of time makes their anxiety increase day by day. They are always ready to make a blockbuster, but they can't find the means to make a blockbuster. So, become depressed, depressed, uneasy, easily angry, compulsive and dreamy. ...
Striving for public attention constitutes the life pursuit of many contemporary people. This pursuit can be summed up in two words: "success". This abstract concept has become a god in many people's hearts, which has caused great oppression to people's hearts.
Each of us is eager for success, but many times we don't know what success means to us. We are easily influenced by external and popular values and lose ourselves, so we are often confused, miserable and even unable to succeed.
Psychologists believe that any success is inseparable from correct self-cognition, and knowing yourself is the first step to success. Successful people define the meaning of success for themselves on the basis of sound self-cognition. They believe that only self-awareness can make the word "success" meaningful. One must look for the meaning of success from the deep heart, not from the outside. So lack of self-awareness is the biggest obstacle to success. No matter what kind of person starts in the wrong direction, or plays a role that is not suitable for his own personality, ability and specific conditions, he will not succeed, or although he has been very successful in the eyes of outsiders, he will not feel the joy of success at all.
In fact, what people need most is an inner success. There is no fixed pattern for inner success, and you don't have to be a "home" or "long" to succeed. Intrinsic success is that everything can exert its potential, conform to its own personality, satisfy its own interests and make itself happy. If we look at success by this standard, it is meaningful and easy to achieve success, including external success.
The expectation of others is a kind of trust expectation and will become the driving force for progress. However, it sometimes becomes a shackle that binds us and a heavy mental burden for us to achieve truly valuable goals in life. When we decide not to be the kind of person that others expect, it is an important step to liberate our spirit and get happiness in life.
If you want to commit suicide after one success, it means that this success is still an external success, not an internal success that makes you feel happy, proud and satisfied. At this time, you should consider: Is this the success I need? What do I really like to do? Am I just meeting other people's expectations? What is my real wish?
The wise man said: everyone has a star in the sky, and somewhere illuminated by this star, there is an irreplaceable job that belongs to you. We must constantly find our place, which takes time and patience.
So, use your knowledge, your experience and your intuition to find your constellation. You will have your own success, it is waiting for you.