Healthy selfishness is a way for everyone to learn to love themselves. Fromm once wrote in Selfishness and Self-love that modern culture conveys a moral concept: selfishness is evil and loving others is good. He believes that this culture will make people feel guilty because of self-love, and even make people feel ashamed of feeling happy and growing up. In fact, each of us doesn't have to feel guilty about self-love, and we are born without the obligation to love others.
It differs from selfishness in that:
1. Their starting point is personal growth.
2. They will establish appropriate boundaries and focus on their own needs without harming the interests of others.
3. They can also find a balance between self-interest and altruism, and gain energy in getting along with themselves and others.
Health selfish behavior scale (self-test);
1. I have appropriate interpersonal boundaries.
2. I will do a lot of self-care things. (such as meditation, healthy eating, exercise, etc.). )
My way of taking care of myself will not hurt or affect others.
I have healthy self-esteem and will not be used by others at will.
I can balance the needs of myself and others.
6. I think my needs are right.
7. Although I will help others, I know when to charge.
8. I allow myself to enjoy myself, and I can take care of myself even if it doesn't help others.
9. I will give priority to my own affairs rather than the needs of others.
In these cases, we'd better be "selfish"!
1. Giving is far greater than taking.
Although we don't recommend calculating the ratio of giving and returning in a relationship, in a stable and healthy relationship, the input of both parties should be dynamically balanced. When you find that your contribution in the relationship is far greater than your demands, you can choose to talk to ta, try to express your feelings and put forward your needs. Because, paying too much will hurt yourself. It's okay to think more about your feelings in relationships (Elmer20 19).
2. When encountering major decisions or difficulties in life.
Career choice, marriage, illness, loss ... these major events in life, you should consider more and take care of yourself. In the face of major decisions, we should confirm our true wishes and constantly reflect. After all, the price of choosing the wrong person in the wrong way is very heavy. When we encounter difficulties in life, we can also be "selfish". There's no need to feed yourself alone. It is very important to get support from reliable people around us, which can help us tide over the difficulties. This is not an evasion of responsibility.
Your own personal boundaries are ok:
Setting personal boundaries can help you focus on your behavior and emotions instead of giving priority to others. Psychotherapist LaurenStreet(20 19) said that a healthy personal boundary can protect your emotional health and happiness. It can guide you to open your heart to the right person and share your private and fragile thoughts. At the same time, it also means that you can refuse others, because personal boundaries will tell you and others what is tolerable and what is the insurmountable bottom line.
Solitude and rest are possible;
Numerous social activities may make you feel at a loss and produce the idea of "I really want to be alone". There is no need to feel guilty or ashamed of this idea, because solitude is one of the best ways to recharge our brains.
You can rest assured that the need for alone time will not damage your social life, but will enhance your contact with others. On the one hand, a healthy relationship needs not only emotional and physical intimacy, but also differences and independence (Firestone 2019); On the other hand, solitude is the best time to rest. Dr. Carter (20 12) explained that being alone without interference from others not only gives you a chance to clear your mind and concentrate on thinking, but also helps you regain your physical and mental vitality.