Where do these acquired unhealthy self-esteem come from?
First, people's self-esteem comes from the need of self-esteem.
The so-called need for self-esteem, that is to say, self-esteem is exactly what human beings need, such as a person's desire for a sense of accomplishment and self-confidence.
When I go to school, I hope I can study hard and get the recognition of my teachers and classmates. After work, I hope to earn more money and get recognition from my colleagues and leaders. In short, it is the desire to be better.
Self-esteem consists of three parts: sense of security, sense of belonging and sense of accomplishment.
When a person's sense of security, belonging and accomplishment is higher, his self-esteem level will be higher accordingly. In fact, haven't we been working hard for this all our lives?
We need to earn more money to meet unexpected needs and ensure a sense of security; We need to establish good interpersonal relationships, intimate relationships, have our own circle of friends and find a sense of belonging; We should realize our sense of accomplishment through dreams and careers.
So we must find our own desires to motivate ourselves.
Second, from the social support system.
The so-called social support system is also a sense of belonging.
For a person, our initial sense of value has no reference standard, and it comes entirely from the acceptance, support and love of our parents.
This is about parents' education. Good parental education comes from:
In fact, many parents of these people really don't do very well. This may also be the root of our troubles in life. It is also the psychological shackles that we will get rid of through learning and evolution the day after tomorrow.
In fact, I don't want to complain about the origin and extinction here, because the Buddha said: all living beings have wisdom and virtue of Tathagata, which can't be proved because of delusion and persistence.
Missed the first stage of change, we still have a second chance. In the first stage, we have no choice. But in the second stage, the choice is entirely in your own hands.
Third, it comes from people's sense of shame.
Self-esteem begins with shame. In Taekwondo class, I often tell my children "courtesy, justice and shame". I just told them very simply: you should be polite, know shame, know what to do, what not to do, what to say and what not to say.
For example, don't pee anywhere, don't talk loudly in public places, and don't run naked in the street. ...
When talking to children about this, children will laugh and feel embarrassed. Everyone feels ashamed.
However, some parents often forget this in their lives. When their children wanted to go to the toilet, he told them to solve it on the spot. Why run so far? When the child speaks loudly in public, he doesn't realize that the child's behavior will affect people around him. On the contrary, he will think that his children are brave ... and such behavior will only cultivate children with inferiority.
Shame is a source of our self-esteem, and we need it as a driving force to motivate and restrain ourselves.
Fourth, acceptance from peers.
Man is a gregarious animal. As long as we go out, we will live in a relationship. In this process, whether we will be accepted by our peers directly determines the level of our self-esteem.
Interpersonal relationship is not just interpersonal relationship. It can help us build up our self-esteem and alleviate the influence of social pressure and negative emotions.
From the perspective of building self-esteem, interpersonal relationship is really useless, it is used to nourish oneself. If a person's heart is not nourished by love, it is unlikely to have a healthy attitude.
Therefore, we can examine and establish interpersonal relationships from the dimension of cultivating self-esteem.
Summary:
These are the four sources of self-esteem that we learned today, and these four dimensions are also the direction that we should strive for. Around these four dimensions, we can cultivate our self-esteem more comprehensively and establish our own self-esteem system.
The next class is devoted to learning how to be a person with high self-esteem.