//Preface//
"I often say to myself: In fact, you are already great. You don't have to be hard on yourself for the sake of the perfect person. The road you have traveled alone and the sadness you have suffered alone are the best proof of your efforts! Your life is precious, don't give up and despair easily. "
(Image from the Internet)
//"I feel my soul drained"//
20 16, I don't know when it started. I am depressed, physically tired, my thinking speed and work efficiency are obviously reduced, and I am not interested in anything ... Although I look normal, I go to work on time every day and participate in social activities, but I feel that everything is out of control, as if I am living a strange life that does not belong to me, but I can't get rid of it.
I gradually found myself with strange symptoms, which bothered me gradually. For example, every time you brush a circle of friends, you will fall into a huge panic. Because of the nature of work, I need to contact many strangers every day, and sometimes I can add dozens of people's WeChat every day.
With the addition of WeChat, people's circle of friends will inevitably be seen, and people need to like and leave messages, and a harmonious atmosphere needs to be created. Even if we are fake plastic flower friendship, we will never be defeated. This hypocrisy, both duplicity and duplicity, gradually turned into despair and came at me like a scourge, but my feet were tied with heavy chains, unable to move, and I stood unprepared for being swallowed and drowned, trying to escape, but I couldn't shout a word when I spoke. My body seems to be wrapped in layers of plastic wrap, which is suffocating, just like thousands of bugs are eating my whole body. That feeling is really hard. ...
For a while, I was very emotional. The most painful thing is that I am depressed, but nothing happens in my daily work and social life. For example, sometimes I suddenly feel sad and cry, but when I look at myself on the subway, I hold back my tears in order not to attract attention. Sometimes when I go out and see the pedestrians around me, I feel that they are from another world, but I am standing in the next world, being a silent bystander and a wandering outsider-they are so relaxed, happy and carefree, and there is a transparent glass mirror between us. No matter how crazy I shout and knock, the opposite person just can't hear me. I am like a mute. Although my mouth is open, my heart is sad. Everyone is living step by step except me, and only I am forgotten in another world.
Then the doctor said to me, "You are depressed."
//Under the smile, what you see is not the real me//
Although I had a hard time during that time, in fact, few people knew that I was smiling on my face, but in fact, I was not.
When I get along with my friends, I always talk a lot. I know all the topics and I can talk about them, so they don't know what kind of torture I am suffering. Sometimes, I can make my friends laugh their heads off. "You are so funny and so talkative!" Because they always tell me so, I often question myself, is it depression or just a temporary obsession? If it is depression, how can I laugh so heartlessly and even laugh at myself to make everyone happy?
(Image from the author)
During that time, I happened to have a new company, a brand-new environment and a brand-new colleague ... which kept me busy with my work and social life. Sometimes I will be desperate to death before entering the company gate, but as soon as I enter the door, I see my colleagues smiling at me, and I immediately put on a relaxed and cheerful look, and I don't want my negative emotions to burden others. It's the same when you get off work. I talked and laughed with my colleagues for a second, but as soon as I got into the elevator separately, I immediately put on another numb and empty face, which made me inexplicably feel that I had a deductive personality.
If I ask myself what I want to do most at that time, I can even smile and say, "I want to die."
//Why did you choose me for depression//
When it comes to why I have all kinds of depression tendencies, I think there are many reasons, especially that year I experienced many life lows.
At the beginning of the year, the former company changed its strategy and all our departments were laid off. This is my first job. I have worked hard for the company and my own career. Many of my ideals are carried here. My leaders and colleagues once recognized me so much, but in retrospect, the so-called honor and praise seem meaningless. In that case, what is all my efforts? This feeling of being abandoned by others, for me, is a blow and denial of my dignity.
Later, I also encountered some emotional difficulties. I want to talk to my best friend, but it bothers her. At that time, she said to me, "If you are in a bad mood, wait until you are better. We won't contact you for the time being." Suddenly, I was pushed into another black hole, like a flying seabird. I thought it was an island, but in fact, it was just a mirage. ...
Home is the softest place in my heart and the corner I dare not touch. When I collapsed, I sat on the ground crying and told my family that I felt too tired to live, but my mother said, "My family takes care of you every day, and you are afraid that you will be unhappy." You also said you were tired. What else do you want us to do? " Later, my mother advised me: "You are not depressed, just go out and exercise." It's not as serious as you said. "
I love life, but life doesn't love me. In this way, I began to feel like a burden, and everything lost its meaning.
//Get out of the maze built for yourself//
(Image from the author)
In fact, I can understand that my parents don't really care, just don't want to associate me with depression. Later, I also tried to comfort myself, because I didn't want to add burden to my family and make myself look so melodramatic.
But anyway, I just can't get out. I was trapped in a maze I built.
In the end, I decided to end this life, resolutely quit my job and let everything stop.
I remember I was at work and sent a message to my mother. I said: I feel that everyday life is very painful. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to quit my job and get out of this life. Please give me some time. I will regain the courage to live.
Later, my mother replied that they supported any decision I made and hoped that I could live happily no matter what, which was the most important thing.
I immediately felt very comforted and grateful. In my most painful moment, my parents did not abandon me. I feel the long-lost warmth. In fact, I didn't lose everything! My world is like that dark room that has been closed for a long time. Suddenly, the heavy curtains were opened and the sun poured in.
(Image from the author)
On the other hand, I began to face up to the fact that I was suffering from depression and tried to adjust my mentality, hoping to return to a normal life track. By chance, I learned about and came into contact with "smile depression".
According to statistics, there are 90 million people with depression in China, of which less than 10% have received specialized treatment. Among them, more and more people suffer from "smile depression". Different from ordinary depression, "smile depression" patients not only have symptoms of depression, but also have good social skills. They are used to hiding their inner depression with smiles. On the surface, they are no different from normal people, with strong concealment and are not easy to be detected. Therefore, "smile depression" is more dangerous than ordinary depression. When patients have abnormal behavior or commit suicide, many family members are shocked or unbelievable.
"When they thank you for your help with a smile and say that they have made progress, they may have decided to commit suicide in their hearts. This is the danger of smiling and depression. "
(Image from the Internet)
When a smile becomes a shield and defense mechanism, its meaning is no longer a natural expression of happiness, but a cover-up and denial of inner sadness.
At that time, in addition to prescribing drugs for mental illness, the doctor gave me some suggestions, telling me not to rely solely on drugs, but also to adjust myself through self-help:
Control your bad emotions: adjust and vent your bad emotions in time, and don't let pessimism swallow you up;
Dietotherapy: Try to eat more beans, whole grains, vegetables and fruits, reduce the intake of red meat, and try not to drink stimulating drinks such as coffee and wine;
Find a hobby to relax yourself: you can eliminate stress through aerobic or anaerobic exercise, cultivate a hobby that can make you concentrate, develop it and relax yourself;
Looking for spiritual home: actively communicate with psychologists and vent their pressure while seeking help;
Empathy to face the "misfortunes" in the world: ignore what you don't like, put yourself in other's shoes, and face the work and social interaction with a positive thinking direction, instead of blaming yourself for these "misfortunes".
(Image from the author)
After that, I began to write about my mental journey during this period of depression, trying to reconcile with myself in this peaceful way. I often say to myself: in fact, you are already great. You don't have to be hard on yourself for the sake of the perfect person. The road you have traveled alone and the sadness you have suffered alone are the best proof of your efforts to live! There are not only excellent people in this world, but also more ordinary but unique people! Your life is really precious!
If you are tired, have a rest. If you are sad, express it. In fact, no one will laugh at your fragility, and your fragility is by no means a shame. When many negative emotions come, don't worry too much. It's just a normal emotional reaction that everyone will experience. Try to look at it with a normal heart and spend it slowly.
If the name "smile depression" is too heavy, it is better to think of it as a typhoon. Although it looks fierce, it is safer to get closer to the center. One day, everything in Qian Fan will be over and calm down. When you can't stand it, look back at your family, friends, or counselors. Maybe they are not the antidote, but they will be the best channel to talk. It is better to share with others than to support it alone.
//What I want to say to you who is smiling//
Our life always requires us to be happy, decent and have positive energy, but it will bring more pressure. In fact, happiness is not the only expression in the world, and unhappiness is not shameful. More importantly, when we try to hide and escape depression with a smile, we are also feeding it.
In fact, you can be sad, and you can be sad. We are all vulnerable, and everyone may fall into depression. Don't let "smile" block you in your own world and become a mask to hide your heart.
Dear you, you just caught a cold mentally. When we work together to overcome this "cold", everything will be fine.
As a bystander, although it is difficult for a friend to help a person who does not admit that he is sick, I suggest that if you find that people around you are likely to be "smiling and depressed", don't be stingy with your help and care, listen in time and support patiently, which may save a precious life.
I hope everyone can spend that gloomy time and make your smile "as you see it"!
Editor: Rong
Comments: Jacky Jiang
I need to say something to you.
My mother was diagnosed with smile depression in the first half of the year. On weekdays, she is positive and laughs when something happens. I caught her jumping over the guardrail on the roof. Mom said, "I felt so relaxed when I climbed up."
Later, my father quickly applied to the company for a long vacation and began to travel with my mother. Then my mother walked through the mountains and rivers, blew the sea breeze from the Cape of Good Hope and kissed the cherry blossoms of Mount Fuji ... Slowly, her smile was no longer disguised-she knew that we loved her and the world loved her.
Therefore, I hereby appeal to more people (including the patients themselves) to pay attention to the mental illness of depression, carefully observe the relatives and friends around them, and nip the tragedy in the cradle when it shows signs.
How circuitous life is and how magnificent hope is. The world is beautiful, I hope you can see it.
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