Counselor: Dad.
When Min Min was five years old, her mother decided to have a second child. Min Min was at a loss at first. Whenever people ask about her wishes, she always says that she supports her mother. But when the mother really brought her younger brother home, Min Min showed great resistance and inadaptability. She gave her brother a nickname "Duoduo" in disgust, sometimes grabbing his milk, forcing him to sleep between his mother and his brother, and secretly squeezing his little hand when adults were not looking.
Min Min's mother has to take care of the newborn baby and is worried about her eldest daughter. This is really a headache, and sometimes she can't help scolding Min Min loudly. Min was so sensitive that she felt that her mother didn't love her, so she cried and told her father.
Dad: Why are you so unhappy?
Dad tried the idea of "solving the problem" first, but the child "didn't pay the bill". Her reaction shows that her greatest need at this time lies in emotional venting, not the real problem itself.
Min Min: Mom doesn't love me anymore. She only loves her brother.
Dad: What did Mom do to make you think she doesn't love you?
Min Min: My mother scolded me just now, very badly. Besides, she stayed with her brother every day and stopped playing with me for a long time. I asked her to tell me a story and she ignored me.
Dad: Mom can't play with you. Why don't I go with you and tell you a story?
Min Min: No, no! I want my mother to tell me! Hum, I hate my brother, I don't want a brother!
Emotion 1: Anger
Dad: Why doesn't the baby like his brother?
An open-ended question for asking questions. It's not that we don't know the child's answer, but we still have to give the child room to complain, send an invitation with "why", and allow and accept her negative emotions.
Min Min: My brother haunts my mother all day. Because of him, my mother doesn't love me. You don't love me. You don't love me. Besides, my brother is not funny at all. He is so stupid that he can't talk or walk. He is so ugly that he has no hair. Look how beautiful I am. My hair is so long that I can braid it. But mom doesn't even braid my hair. She used to like me. ouch ...
Emotion 2: Sadness and grievance
Theoretically, the psychological influence of contacting the second child on Dabao
Now there are more and more families with two children, and the arrival of the second child is a great challenge to Dabao, who was originally in the "only child" position in the family. Some children begin to show all kinds of retrogression, for example, their emotions are easily out of control, they often shout or cry, they start to wet the bed after many years, do strange things to attract the attention of adults, and repeatedly ask their parents if they love themselves, and so on. If parents ignore their children's feelings at this time and blindly suppress and make demands, it will increase the difficulty for children to adapt to life changes and form trauma and shadow. Children are never dull. They have a sensitive heart and always need more care from their parents.
Parents need to adjust their mentality:
1. Children's rejection is a normal instinctive reaction, which has nothing to do with moral level, but some children are more obvious and some children adapt faster. Children should be allowed to properly express their feelings of rejection and guide them to choose a rational way to vent, otherwise repressed anger may lead to children's behavior out of control.
2. Admit that children's life has changed greatly, including parents' company time, energy attention and material input. Instead of secretly promising to "love you as before." Admitting a child's loss can prevent him from feeling lonely.
3. Be fully prepared for the fatigue and pressure of the second child rearing, and consciously avoid transferring emotions to children.
4. Properly arranging children to take care of the second child can strengthen the connection between children, but it should not be a burden. At the same time, take the initiative to arrange to get along with Dabao alone to satisfy the child's sense of security.
Dad: Min Min says mom doesn't love you, but I don't think Min Min loves mom either.
Min Min: No, why did you say I didn't love my mother?
Emotion 3: Doubt
Dad: You go to kindergarten every morning and play with other children. If you don't accompany your mother, her mother will be sad.
Min Min: But as a child, I have to go to kindergarten. I am very busy in kindergarten. I have to build blocks, eat snacks and play games.
Dad: Did you still love your parents when you were in kindergarten?
Min Min: Of course. Didn't I come back to hug you right after school?
Dad: So, mom can be very busy sometimes. She can't accompany you when she is busy, but she still loves you in her heart and always loves you. Didn't she come to tell you a story as soon as she was free?
Guide children to think in other's shoes through analogy.
Guide reconstruction. Re-understand the mother's behavior from a more positive and objective perspective.
Dad: So, it's not that mom doesn't love you, but that she is too busy. When she finishes what she is doing, she can give you a good hug. Although she is busy taking care of her brother, Min Min is always on her mind. Just like Min Min.
Min Min: But I still don't like my brother. Can we throw him away? I don't want a brother. Otherwise, let's give him to someone else's house.
Dad: Didn't you say that you really wanted a younger brother and sister to play with you?
Min Min: But I don't want it now.
Dad: You are Dodo's sister, just as Peggy Piggy is George Piggy's sister. If one day, Peggy loses George, how pitiful George will be. He can't find his way home, nor can he find his parents. He can only wander alone, hungry and holding his toy dinosaur. Do you think George will cry?
Don't rush to criticize children's ideas, but listen to the emotions, needs and goals behind children's language.
Min Min: Yes.
Dad: How will he cry?
Min Min: (imitating George's voice) Yes, I want my parents. I want to go home. I want my sister.
When reasoning with children, the most important thing is not logic, but emotion. Describing details is conducive to stimulating children's "empathy."
Dad: What if it's a lot? How will he cry?
Min Min: Toto can't talk, but he will be very sad ... Dad, let's not throw Toto away.
Guide reflection and don't give the answer directly.
The role of cartoon image in children's growth by combining theory with practice
Piaget, a Swiss psychologist, divides children's intellectual development from birth to 15 years old into four stages: perceptual movement stage, pre-operation stage, concrete operation stage and formal operation stage.
The pre-operation stage refers to the period from the child's language learning to the age of five or six. At this stage, children develop symbolic representation schema through language, imitation, imagination, symbolic games and symbolic painting. Their knowledge still depends largely on their own perception.
Children at this stage have been able to understand fairy tales, and will be driven by the characters and plots in the story to produce various emotional experiences, and will also begin to imitate and learn in these emotional experiences. They like some symbolic cartoon images, just as they like friends in the real world. Because the characters' words, expressions, preferences and ways of thinking are more intimate, easier to understand and more buzzing than adults, children are often more easily influenced by them unconsciously. This influence is as small as the accumulation of vocabulary, the imitation of clothing, and the formation of rules and habits and the concept of right and wrong.
On the one hand, it reminds us that when educating children at this stage, we can borrow more detailed cartoon images to help children turn abstract truth into concrete example behavior; On the other hand, it also warns us to pay attention to the management and censorship of various animation works by the mass media, so as to avoid too many children and premature exposure to demonstrations of various bad behaviors, such as violence and pornography.
Dad: But if you take up a lot of your mother's time, she won't have time to tell you stories. What should I do?
The child is repeatedly entangled in the matter of "who loves who more", and there are other performances before and after. This time, the counselor attacked from the front, hoping to guide the children to focus on "how to love" rather than "how much to love".
Min Min: Actually, I can read books by myself. I am a big boy. But I'm afraid my mother loves me more than me. What should I do?
Dad: If you love someone, you have to find a way to give him something he likes. For example, my brother needs milk, and the way for a mother to love his brother is to give him milk; You like to listen to stories, and the way I love you is to tell you stories; Kittens like to eat fish. The way I love kittens is to feed them fish. Just in different ways, not who you love more.
Min Min: How can I love my mother?
Dad: What do you think mom likes?
Step by step, gradually guide, slow down as much as possible, so that children's thinking can keep up.
Min Min: Well, mom likes sleeping best. I think she is sleeping every day now and always yawns.
Dad: Yes, mom works too hard and needs more rest. So how do you love your mother?
Min Min: I want my mother to have more rest. I want to learn to braid my own hair so that I don't have to make my mother work hard.
Dad: Min Min is great!
The child is once again entangled in this problem, indicating that the child is not only cognitive confusion, but also emotional panic. This time, the counselor attacked from the side and questioned the causes of emotions with open-ended questions.
Min Min: Dad, do you love me more or my brother more?
Dad: Why are you worried that I don't love you enough?
Min Min: Feifei's grandmother said that when I had a younger brother, my parents didn't love me. I used to eat an apple, but later I could only eat half, because I had to give half to my brother.
Dad: You give your brother half an apple, and he gives you his half. You see, it's the same amount after all. As long as you love your brother, when he grows up, he will buy you a lot of apples, okay?
Min Min: Great!
Dad: Next time, if Feifei's grandmother tells you, you tell him that my father says there are many apples in our house, so don't worry.
Teach children how to protect themselves.
Psychological analysis of teasing behavior of bad theoretical links
Adults sometimes take a "teasing" attitude when they are in contact with children in social or private situations, including parents and strangers. They will repeatedly ask "Do you love your father or your mother", and then burst into laughter when the child is in a dilemma and at a loss; They will hint at the child with malicious intent that "mom and dad don't love you", "you are not your own" and "mom loves her brother", and then wait to see if the child's expression is shocked or scared. They like to come up with all kinds of "brain teasers" that children can't understand, and then announce their mistakes loudly in public ... all these behaviors will have a serious impact on their physical and mental health.
But why do people always bother to tease children? May have the following mentality:
1. Instrumental purpose, teasing children is a means for them to ease their embarrassment and integrate into society. In their eyes, children, like toys and pets, can entertain themselves and others at their fingertips;
2. I think it can train children's minds. But the predicament without love will not make children improve their wisdom, but will only make them accumulate shame and frustration.
3. Transfer your frustration, in short, it is "picking up the soft pinch". When they watch their children suffer, their mentality can reach a balance. As everyone knows, in this process, they actually exposed their inner fears and cowardice.
4. Malicious social harm. Trying to destroy the family relationship of children by hurting them.
Min Min: What if my brother robs me when he grows up?
Children may not understand the counselor's words, but they can feel the solemnity and affection in the dialogue. Children will print the whole situation in subconscious memory, which will have a far-reaching impact on the follow-up.
Dad: You are my sister. You'll teach him to reason, right? He is a younger brother. He will listen to you and follow your example. If my sister robs things every day, she will learn from you and rob things with you every day; If a sister knows how to be humble and take care of her younger brother, she can also learn to love her and think of you when something good happens.
Dad: Min Min, you may not understand, but I still want to tell you that Mom and Dad have no brothers and sisters, and we are the only one in the family. Sometimes it's really lonely, which is our regret. We hope that you and Duoduo can be different, support each other and grow together. When mom and dad are gone one day, you are the closest people in the world, and you will remember mom and dad and our home together. Therefore, a lot is the greatest gift that mom and dad can give you.
Min Min: Let's go and see my brother now.