I haven't slept a wink in the year since I graduated and started working.
Because of the anxiety.
At work, one task after another, the dozen tasks on the teambition seems to never finish, overtime has become the norm, every day to do the earliest subway, the night to catch the latest class of the subway.
A tired return to the rented 15 square meters of the nest, the morning out of the scattered clothes thrown on the chair of the brain thrown to the bed, sitting in a chair, a move do not want to move.
But on second thought, there are still a lot of tasks waiting for me in my to-do list, so I have no choice but to turn on my computer, which has already been turned off.
02
In just one year, I was dismissed three times.
Because the university did not play a good foundation, in addition to their own talent, the company gradually lost patience with me.
I still remember the boss of a company said to me before I left again: "The company and the training organization is not the same, the training organization is you pay money to go into the training, of course, it is able to according to your degree of learning on your training; and the company is not the same, the company spends money to find you are not designed to let you learn and grow, you must have output, no output, sorry, we do not want. There is no output, sorry, we do not want."
It is possible that these experiences have left a legacy for me.
I had a sense of fear that I would be fired at some point in the future.
Even in my current job, which I've been doing for half a year, and almost 3 months since I was hired, I feel like there's a chance that early tomorrow morning, HR will call and say that my abilities don't match up, and dismiss me.
03
I just graduated a year ago, I really can't talk about any core competitiveness, I don't know what I want to do in the future, I don't have any direction for the future, and I am full of fear for the future.
In order to ease my fear of the future, I try to keep myself busy every day.
I'm afraid that I won't be competitive in the workplace and will be replaced by AI, so I've gone crazy buying books, buying all kinds of paid content, searching for the relevant tech charts on various tech apps, and adding the top books and videos to the shopping carts of various lists.
I'm afraid I'll have to stay up late for a long time and my body will collapse, so I've got a gym card, and I'll go to the gym when I have time, after all, the body is the capital of the revolution, and only if I can get the body to work well can I be better at studying.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to write something later on, and I can't use the most accurate language to share with other people what I'm thinking about at the moment, so I'm going to start enrolling in a class to learn how to write and learn how to express myself.
I'm afraid that I'm going to live an uninteresting life, a life that's too simple, so I've enrolled in various hobby classes in my free time, and I've bought a guitar, and I'm taking guitar lessons.
The first thing I did was to buy a guitar and take a guitar lesson.
I forced myself to read as many books as I could every week, to listen to as many Zhihu Live sessions as I could, to spend as many hours as I could practicing my guitar every day, and to write as many book notes as I could. I would fill my days to the brim and pretend to make myself look like I was working hard .
But you'd never know that every night when I lie in bed and think of the few tasks I've accomplished today, the guilt and anxiety I feel makes me want to kill myself.
04
When I first started working, I stayed with my friend Xiaojie for almost a month.
Xiao A, my childhood best friend, graduated a year before me and now works in a large state-owned enterprise.
Every day is very free, after work, when the king is still more popular, he opened the king of honor began to score, usually until the early morning to end.
Every time I come home from work, open the computer, finger keys like flying, and he is also in the world of the king, operation like a tiger.
I'm busy like a dog, every day anxious to death, he every day is actually very anxious, only anxious about how to play from the platinum paragraph to the diamond paragraph.
Once I asked him very seriously, "Aren't you anxious about your future? What if you get fired from your job or your company goes out of business?
He said: "State-owned enterprises will close down, you sure you are not teasing me? A little overthinking."
When you think about it, what he said is not unreasonable.
And think too much, do too little, but also I have always been a common problem.
The reason why I am so anxious may be because I am afraid that at some point in the future, I will be eliminated by the company, and I am also afraid that the company I work for will be eliminated by the society, or I am afraid that I will not be able to catch the opportunity when it comes.
How anxious you are can tell how afraid you are of the future.
05
Two days ago, I read an article titled "Why people who think less are usually less anxious".
The article mentioned that many of us are in anxiety, suffering from anxiety, but when asked what we are anxious about, most people will answer: we do not know what we are anxious about.
The reason for this is that we don't know what will happen in the future. After all, society is evolving too fast, and AI is slowly taking hold of our lives, so we don't know when we'll be replaced, kicked out of the game, or maybe just tomorrow.
The hand-wringing about the unknown and the fear of the future make us eroded by anxiety every day, making it difficult for us to sleep or eat.
In fact, it's not just you and me, it's our entire society today.
06
So is that all we can do, wait silently to be swept away by the tide of the future, helpless?
The answer, of course, is no.
The first thing we need to understand is that anxiety is not a bad thing.
He can make us always keep a sense of urgency, keep the fear of the future, he can make us realize their own shortcomings in those areas, and to find their own shortcomings, admit their own shortcomings, is precisely the most important and the most difficult thing in a person's growth.
" When you are still in school, people have been in society for more than ten years, we newcomers come, they have what we want, I'm not asking for fairness, I'm robbing. We want it too quickly because we can't help but be lonely.Men in their 20s have no money, no careers, but they have a booming desire. "
The passage inside "Grid Reversal" is very poignant, but it does reflect the inner world of our group of recent college graduates now.
When we are not capable enough, we should compare less, desire less, fantasize less, and pursue the so-called fairness less. More action, more diligence, more down-to-earth, seriously do everything.
Milk will have, bread will have.
After all, we are only 20-something ah, do not be afraid of too late, because even the future belongs to us ah!
You, in front of the screen, take off your anxiety today and sleep soundly, you have to believe that tomorrow will definitely be a good day.