I've always wanted to study, but I'm afraid of reading. Mentally unprepared, afraid to face the joys and sorrows it carries.
Recently, I sent my daughter to class, and I accidentally saw this book in the parents' lounge of the training institution, which is quite thick. I touched it several times to see it, but it never opened.
The parents in the lounge are chatting in twos and threes, and the children are playing, which is not suitable for reading such a heavy book. Besides, waiting for my daughter to finish class is not enough for me to finish reading.
Maybe fate has finally arrived. When I saw it on the showcase of Xinhua Bookstore again, I didn't think about anything and grabbed it without hesitation.
0 1
Twenty years ago, when Zhou was forty-five years old, a baby was born-his precious daughter Niu Niu. I didn't expect the child to be terminally ill. He only stayed in this world for a year and a half and then left in a hurry.
Zhou guarded his destiny takes a hand's child, and truly recorded his daughter's loveliness and pity, as well as his mental journey of raising her with his wife Yuer in the shadow of death.
Zhou, like a greedy collector, always stays by her daughter's side, hoping that she can pick up every word that her daughter spits out and cherish all traces left by her short life in this world.
Niu Niu is a clever child. At eight months, she can be called "Dad", at nine months, she can be called "Mom", and at one year old, she can call herself "Niu Niu". At the age of one year and four months, she has been able to use personal pronouns "you", "I", "he" and interrogative pronouns "who" accurately, and can express almost any meaning she wants freely.
Niu Niu loves to laugh. She smiled sweetly when her relatives made fun of her.
Niu Niu will be spoiled, "Dad likes Niu Niu", "The baby is Niu Niu", "Niu Niu is very good", "The baby has eaten" and "Dad hurts Niu Niu and cries".
Niu Niu will tease adults with the wind. "Who did it?" "Mom made it." Who did this? ""Pearl Krabs did it. "
Niu Niu can call names, "nonsense", "smelly Niu Niu", "fat mother" and "who did it? Fuck ".
Niu Niu has a glib tongue:
Jane asked, "Niuniu, do you want a hug from your mother?" "A:" Yes. " Rain is falling all hugged her, but she said, "No." Jane said, "You are lying." She said, "Deceive Pearl Krabs." I asked, "Who did Niu Niu cheat? The answer is clear: "Deceive Pearl Krabs". "
niuniu ...
02
Niu Niu suffers from eye diseases. First, she was blind in her left eye, and then in her right eye.
With the gradual decline of her eyesight, she likes to look out of the window. She can only see the light in front of her eyes. She was very happy and smiled and laughed. Suddenly, she held out her little hand and waved to the light.
Dad told her excitedly: "Niu Niu, it's bright." Hello, Liang! "
After listening to her father's words, Niu Niu waved more happily to greet and thank this lovely guest.
From then on, as long as you hold her to the window, or just say "bright" to her, she will wave her little hand.
But the only guest in her visual world will eventually leave her forever. "... when she was lying in bed, she always leaned against the window, her right eye was wide open, and her eyes seemed to pop out and stare for a long time. I called her softly, but she raised her eyebrows slightly, ignored her and stared out of the window. I can see that her eyes are so big and a little hard. She often raises her hand and rubs her right eye, and then continues to stare.
……
Niuniu goes to the window to see the bright lights every day. She opened her eyes and looked out of the window, holding out her left hand and waving it frequently. Small palms open and close, like waving greetings and waving goodbye.
On this day, she waved her hand more eagerly than ever before, and her little hand waved desperately, so hard and with such high frequency. There is an anxious expression on her face, and from time to time she makes a long series of very complicated sounds, as if she is eager to say something. "
However, Liangliang has gone further and further and gone forever. "There is no bright light in the world, and you die bright."
When I read this, I couldn't help myself any longer, and I was in tears. Poor girl. A heartbroken father.
03
Niu Niu "sees" the world with her touch.
"She is always eager to touch everything around her, more eager than hunger. She bent down happily, carefully stroked the bed, tables and chairs, furniture, doors and windows, carpets, explored the world with her little hands without complaint, and measured the boundaries of her life inch by inch. "
Mr. and Mrs. Zhou seek medical advice everywhere, experts, Chinese medicine practitioners, qigong masters, Buddhists and doctors. ...
Everything is in vain.
Niu Niu's illness is getting worse every day, and there is nothing anyone can do.
When Niu Niu was ill, she felt pain everywhere, in her mouth, nose and head.
Long ago, she knocked on the bedstead and cried. While comforting her, her mother asked her, "Did Niu Niu knock?" "She remembered the word.
She didn't know that her pain was caused by a tumor, so she concluded that she must have been hurt by something. So, she shouted over and over again: "Knock, knock, knock!" "
"She clutched her father's arm in pain. Suddenly, she remembered that her father had said to find a way, so she cried and shouted:' Niu Niu is knocking at the door, good father, find a way, find a way. ""Good dad, do something, do something quickly! " , "pain, pain, pain! Do something! "
My tears gurgled down. From childhood to adulthood, the deepest painful memory is when Dabao was born.
The labor pains before delivery made my life worse than death. My heart is full of fear of labor pains and longing for pain relief, and I even want to die immediately. After my husband's efforts, the doctor finally decided to give me a caesarean section at once.
Seeing an anesthesiologist dressed in green is like seeing a savior. I am willing to beg him to give me an anesthetic quickly.
When the pain was intermittent, I saw him preparing for an injection, but I still couldn't wait. I shouted, "hurry up, please, it's too late, and it's going to hurt again." "
My pain in childbirth has an end, but Niu Niu's doesn't. Her destination is death, and the pain is still there. Besides, she is only one and a half years old.
Good dad, do something quickly.
However, the heartbroken father could do nothing. In the face of her daughter's relentless pain and unavoidable destruction, this ordinary father has no choice, and none of us can.
04
"Dad, knock knock."
"Never mind, just dance."
Then she said, "Knock and dance."
Dad held her in tears and danced in the music. She laughed, laughed out loud, and immediately began to cry and shouted "Knock".
Dad quickly praised her and said that she was very good, very good and lovely. Dad likes it very much. She gave her a compliment and gradually calmed down. I said to myself, "eat and sleep with your little hands." Dad carried her to the corridor and paced her until she fell asleep.
At midnight, the whole building fell asleep.
Dad was holding Niu Niu, and she kept shouting in his arms: "Get down, get down!" " "Dad sweated and panted up the stairs until18th floor, then ran down quickly and climbed up again ... just to make Niu Niu move slightly in the lightness of flying and relieve the pain.
Disease and pain are eroding Niu Niu's life. Niu Niu believes that since Dad said "find a way", he will definitely find a way.
She has been asking her father to do something. She didn't expect that her good father actually thought of a way-euthanasia.
In this way, she will no longer be hit, no more pain, no more music. Niu Niu would never have thought that there was such a road in this world.
Seeing her daughter in pain, her father hoped that she would leave early. However, the pain has temporarily eased, and my daughter can listen, speak and communicate again. When calling "dad", I hope she can live.
"Extending her life and shortening her pain are incompatible motives."
However, after all, it is your own flesh and blood, and parents can't do it. The poor father only has a humble wish to let his daughter gradually fall into sleepless sleep in the most peaceful way. ...
A friend gave Demerol for a rainy day.
05
When a sharp pain was about to break out, Yuer's mother gave her the first injection of Demerol. The analgesic effect was obvious, and Niu Niu fell asleep.
In the morning, she woke up in the eyes of the whole family. "Who? -Little darling. " She said.
The medicine passed, and the pain came again. She seemed to know that her mother had a way, and kept crying: "Look for mom, go! Go! " And shouted, "Where have you been? Where have you been? Where is it? " Mom came and gave her another shot.
Demerol is a synthetic analgesic. If abused, it will make people addicted and become drugs, which will seriously damage the body and endanger human health and life.
The medicine is weakening, the body is failing, and the time to say goodbye is coming.
Niu Niu loves music very much. In her short life, music, like her father, gave her the greatest comfort. Perhaps in the melody of music, she opened a new "vision" and can reproduce the visual memory. "On one occasion, while listening to a song, she suddenly waved her hand, and the word' Sun' was heard in the original lyrics."
At the last moment of her life, she said in a very slight voice, "Turn on …" which means "Turn on the music". Dad turned on the stereo and turned the volume down as low as possible. The melody of lullaby echoed in the room.
"Niu suddenly held out her hand, gripped the wrist near the rain is falling all, and sighed softly. Then, her hands relaxed, her whole body twitched violently and she stopped breathing.
The car sped unnecessarily to the hospital. Niu Niu is in my arms, and her little head hangs feebly to one side. "
Poor Niu Niu, the child who was knocked down by the world, lived in the world for 562 days. After experiencing some unbearable pain for adults, she died.
"I hold my daughter's small body and refuse to accept any kind of philosophical comfort." The death of his daughter left the philosopher's father's heart riddled with holes and it was difficult to heal.
06
I don't want to say that I sympathize with Zhou. Under the guidance of words, we seem to have nurtured Niu Niu once with him. 、
Niu Niu's tender words make us feel the same happiness and sadness; Niu Niu's pain is on her father and on each of our readers. Niu Niu's death made her father feel sad and made every reader cry. Niu Niu's bad luck is her father's and everyone's.
A comment said: "When I bought the book Niu Niu on the shelf and read Zhou's cold and gentle paper, I want to say that in this world, we are all Niu Niu."
"Niu Niu is written for another or many other loneliness outside the week. Zhou will probably never know that there is still a lot of loneliness sitting with him. "
Yes, Niu Niu seems to be the child of each of us, and seems to be ourselves.
We come from mysterious nothingness, and then move towards eternal nothingness. In the meantime, how can we not be "knocked over" by this rolling world of mortals? How can it not hurt?
When you think about life under the background of nothingness, you will find that everything we have in this world, such as family, love and friendship, fame and fortune, and those we once cared about and didn't care about, needs to be re-examined.
Niu Niu is gone, but the thinking triggered by her short life will never stop.