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This story is a bit obscene. To be honest, I really don't want to post it. If I hadn't finished writing the story of today's thought, I wouldn't have taken this road (the fact is: I temporarily decided to post today's story next Friday, so that I could finish it. After all, it's a little brain-burning, and I have to stroke it).
So for the sake of readers' physical and mental health, I sent a castrated version.
The story was inspired by a question from Zhihu, "What would happen if the Monkey King and Tang Priest were reversed in the Journey to the West?" So please don't be surprised to see the rogue Tang Priest.
The story happened the day before the havoc in heaven. ...
Reminder: It is forbidden to read and read stories to parents in Sao years below 18.
( 1)
When I first met cicada, he was flirting with Chang 'e.
"Dear, I heard that you can't find anyone near the Guanghan Palace except rabbits. Why don't we add a friend When you are lonely, your brother can have a live interaction with you ~ "
"You monk, you can't be serious. Be careful to be seen by the people of the Jade Emperor, and you will call me a slut. "
"The jade emperor is a diao, my boss is a monk, and he is not a bodhisattva. Five hundred arhats alone are all Shaolin Temple diplomas. If you don't master seventy-two stunts, you won't want to hang out in Lingshan! Can the Jade Emperor fight? "
"Come on, think that a few words can fool the old niang? Think I'm an 18-year-old virgin How old am I from the time of Houyi to now? As a' leftover woman warrior', I have never seen anything! "
"ah! We'll see. If I don't give you some color, you won't know the infinite brilliance of my forehead. "
(2)
It was not until they left the Flat Peach Garden that the Monkey King solved the method of fixing the seven fairies.
"Seven female bodhisattvas, don't tell anyone what happened today, otherwise, another catastrophe in the sky is inevitable."
(3)
The heavenly queen takes a bath in Tianhe.
Cicada: Bitch, you've made the whole river dirty. How can I pee?
Empress Dowager: * Uncle, I'm washing downstream. What's bothering me upstream?
Jin Chan: * Do you still curse?
The queen mother suddenly felt something was wrong: * Uncle, are you watching me take a bath so blatantly?
Golden cicada: That's better than peeking aboveboard, right?
Following the direction of Golden Cicada's finger, the Queen Mother saw Marshal, Tota Li Tianwang, Erlang God, Curtain General, Grandfather, Nezha, Giant Spirit God, WU GANG, Jade Rabbit, Four Heavenly Kings, and cadres at or above the regiment level with hundreds of heavenly soldiers running out of the grass.
Empress Dowager: Shit, you really peed!
Golden cicada: When people leave, the water gets cold. I'll heat it for you.
(4)
Taibai Venus: A book begins, but no book retreats.
Tianmu: The courtiers and concubines have their own books, and they are in the Heavenly Palace with the Western Heaven Commissioner Jin.
Jade Emperor: Alas ... Daughter-in-law, if you have anything to say at home, you have to move to work!
Empress Dowager: Husband, what this golden cicada did to me can no longer be regarded as a private matter, which simply hurts the feelings of our Chinese nation!
The Jade Emperor yawned: OK, OK, you go.
Empress Dowager: Jin Chan, he, he, he actually watched me take a bath! Husband, you must make decisions for the male and female servants!
Marshal canopy: the beast
Li Tian, King of Tota: The Beast
Erlang God: The Beast
General shutter: beast wow!
Grandpa: What a fucking beast!
Nezha: Animals, not people.
Djinn: Really, it's animals.
Four Seas Dragon King: So he is such an animal.
Four Heavenly Kings: We will never tolerate this beast!
Cadres at or above the regimental level with 100,000 troops: for the tribe! Yes, you bastard.
Jade Rabbit: Bird, bird, hen, hen, hen!
Venus Taibai: I seem to have missed something …
The jade emperor played with earwax, and Ge You was lying on the dragon chair: Hey, just look at it. I'm going to heaven and earth, and I care about looking at my eyes. My daughter-in-law and all her lovers are serious!
Seven fairies broke into the Tong Ming Concert Hall.
"Father, Jin Chan not only peeked at her mother's bath, but also molested Chang 'e's sister! ! ! "
"What?" The Jade Emperor jumped up and said, "Damn beast!"
(5)
Tathagata: I said Didi, it's time for you to make your brothers and sisters restrain themselves.
Jade Emperor: What?
Tathagata: She is so dependent on Tianmu, how can she-how can she openly see my apprentice Xiaojin pee!
Jade Emperor: Is there such a thing?
Tathagata: Actually, I don't mind watching it. It's just that Xiaojin's figure can't reach our western average! If you think he represents our western paradise, then our faces ... Yes, we are all men ... fucking ... toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot ...
Taibai Venus: Jade Emperor, Tathagata scolded you and hung up on you! He didn't fuck you, he fucked our heaven face!
On the other end of the phone.
Tathagata: What I am worried about is that ...
Toot, toot, toot. ...
Tathagata: Why is the phone disconnected?
Lohan: Boss, the Jade Emperor dares to hang up on you. Isn't this a slap in the face? Copy or not, we'll take 500 arhats and wait for you.
Tathagata will twist out a cigarette in the corner of the table, with a powerful trump card said:
"Old Bazi not only bullied me, but also bullied Lao Tzu. I really want to put my ancestors on the plate for one day! "
(6)
When the Monkey King found the cicada, he had just cut off the telephone line.
"Young monk, telephone lines are not only public property, but also communication equipment. According to the first paragraph of Article 124 of China's Criminal Law, whoever destroys public telecommunications facilities and endangers public security shall be sentenced to fixed-term imprisonment of not less than three years but not more than seven years, and if serious consequences are caused, he shall be sentenced to fixed-term imprisonment of not less than seven years. "
Jin Chan picked up a handful of Lanzhou: "Monkey, I didn't expect you to know a lot, so how many years should I sentence?"
The Monkey King: The sentence is still light. You know what you just did will trigger a war between heaven and the west. If things break out, how many lives will be lost and how many wives will be separated, mainly because of rising prices and expensive bananas. You know I am Bi, just a 27-level civil servant. My grandson did not embezzle or misappropriate public funds. If bananas are expensive, then I am farther away from my dream of saving money to buy a house, and so are you.
Jin Chan: Wow, shut up, one more word and I'll kill you!
The Monkey King: Don't be angry. Anger will offend you. If you come, don't always say that burning Kutokuhayashi will make you angry, and thousands of obstacles will be opened. It's a pity that you have worked so hard for so many generations, and it's ruined when you get angry. Your mother knows how sad this is. By the way, how is your mother recently?
Cicada: Hold the grass, if you don't shut up, I'll leave!
With that, he threw his unfinished cigarette fart on the ground.
The Monkey King: Jin, you are so naughty. Don't throw things about. Come and take them ... why did you ... come and take them? Right ... you haven't finished with me yet. Why did you throw them away again! There is a story about Lanzhou cigarettes ... Miss Dong, the night performance of the Drum Tower is in a hurry. Stranger, please give me a Lanzhou ... Have you heard this song? Yes, that fat guy named Dongye. Sang, Tony. Manager Lin is not Li!
Golden cicada's eyes are wide open, she reads a spell and moves instantly.
(7)
Blink is the only skill that the golden cicada learned after following the Tathagata for 500 years.
The last thought before transmission is the destination of this transmission.
Cicada returned to Alcatraz, where he was born and raised.
"ah? This is ... "When the bumper first saw him, it looked a little incredulous and deliberately rubbed it:" Xiaojin? It's really Xiaojin. Come on, everyone. Xiaojin is back to see everyone! "
After all, the golden cicada has not come back for 500 years.
Only heard a loud shout, Bai Jingjing, Spider Essence, Jade-faced Rat Essence, Huang Paoguai, Black Bear Essence, nine head worm and a group of demons all gathered around, hammering Golden Cicada, pressing on the ground and stepping on his crotch, and Black Bear Essence was still sitting on his face farting.
This is Alcatraz's way of expressing love.
Only iron buddies are qualified to kick the crotch, and only girlfriends are qualified to fart in your face.
Eating you is the greatest respect for a demon, and it also shows that your feelings have been upgraded to the extreme.
Golden cicada is the most popular person in Alcatraz. Every demon wants to eat him. Five hundred years ago, there was a group fight about who could eat him.
Finally, Guanyin came to Alcatraz and thought that the monster was going to kill the golden cicada, so he "saved" him.
Cicada hasn't had a happy day in the 500 years since she left Alcatraz.
(8)
But now, the golden cicada is very happy.
"Xiong Da, your fart stinks again!" Golden cicada stood up with tears in her eyes and slapped the black bear in the face.
The black bear laughed, swung the golden cicada and fell back and forth seven times on the ground.
"It's so cool, my bones and muscles are all open!" Jin Chan twisted her neck and distributed Lanzhou cigarettes to her friends.
Nine head worm said, Xiao Bai, you have been grinding white powder for 500 years. Now that Xiaojin is back, why not take it out quickly and let the brothers get high?
Go back for nothing to get drugs.
(9)
Taking a sip of heroin, cicada shivered: It's better to be a fucking demon. I haven't been at home all day since I got there.
Jade-faced Rat: Brother Jin, then don't go. My sister misses you very much.
Say that finish, he even smoked ten big-mouthed golden cicadas.
See other monsters envy.
Jin Chan wiped the blood from her mouth and took 20 mouthfuls of rat essence: Brother misses you more.
The mouse is full of peach blossoms.
( 10)
Huang Paoguai said earnestly, "don't go. Although Alcatraz is isolated and lacks freedom, we are happy! I think the gods are not as good as us. "
Jin Chan said that my brother can't control himself now.
Huang Paoguai: What? Will Tathagata not let people go? Why didn't our brother hit Alcatraz, hit him to the west!
Jin Chan said, Brother Paozi, calm down. With our present ability, it is impossible to rush out of Alcatraz, let alone go to the West! I have seen the kung fu of 500 arhats. One of them is Xu Zhu, who can plant a curse of life and death. Anyone who has been planted with a curse of life and death will not mention that kind of pain. ...
The ghost king sighed.
Bai asked: Brother Xiaojin, is the outside world fun?
Yes, my brother and sister want to go out, too, said the mouse.
Jin Chan took a sip of his cigarette and spit out a big circle of white smoke: Soon, soon ... I made a deal with the Tathagata, and if it succeeds, the two brothers will be free.
"What business?"
Jin Chan smiled and said, If the Tathagata doesn't like Heaven, let me find fault with the Jade Emperor! If the sky can be lowered, the right to speak in the West will be even higher.
"How?"
Jin Chan: I won't say the details. Anyway, that's my task ... When it's done, the Tathagata will take refuge in the lower world, and he also said that he would find a way to learn from the scriptures and whitewash me.
"Learn from the scriptures?"
Jin Chan: Yes, hey, whatever he takes, I agree, but only if I talk to the Tathagata-after it's done, I must let my brothers in Alcatraz go. ...
Demon: What did he say?
Golden cicada spits out another smoke ring: What is more important than bringing down heaven? Even if I offered to give me the Lotus Elevator under his ass, he would agree. ...
( 1 1)
"The monkey hit? Is the monkey at home? "
The Monkey King was watering the flowers and weeding when the golden cicada entered the flat peach garden.
Some lovely insects were washed away by the water in the Monkey King's body, and he had to bring them out of danger again. Have some snacks, children. If you were someone else, wouldn't you die early?
"Little monk, why are you here?" The Monkey King a face of gentle smile.
Jin Chan: You idiot, are you still laughing? Are you laughing? Did you succeed? What are you doing now?
The Monkey King: Don't talk in a hurry, and don't swear. Chatting with people slowly is a kind of respect and accomplishment. ...
Cicada: Stop! I tell you, there is a flat peach party in the sky now, and all the immortals in the sky-except you and me-have been invited. Tell me, isn't this looking down on our brother?
The Monkey King: Hey, it's just a flat peach party. Do you think I care about those peaches because I'm guarding the vast peach garden? As a civil servant in heaven, we must obey the arrangement of organization and leadership and put the overall situation first. I can't attend because I'm not invited. If you want to eat peaches, pick any peach in this garden and I'll ask the Ministry of Foreign Affairs for reimbursement.
Jin Chan: Bah, you silly monkey, people are riding on your head to pee, and you still pretend as if nothing has happened-I'll stroke you. Hello, Gao Fei, who has returned from studying at Xieyue Samsung Magic Comprehensive University in Hezhou, Xiniu, and who is your teacher? Famous professors and doctors in the three realms, bodhi bodhi bodhi bodhi grapes who never run around to get tolls, study hard and teach and educate people in a down-to-earth manner. After you graduated, you used to be a leader in Dongsheng Shenzhou, but after you ascended to heaven, you were just a horse farmer, a gardener ... holding grass. If I were you, could I stand it? Look at all the gods in the sky. Who has a higher education than you? Whose technology is better than yours? Damn it, these grandchildren can go to the flat peach party. Why can't you go? I will fight for you!
The Monkey King was deeply moved when he saw Jin Chan's face full of indignation.
"Young monk, I appreciate your kindness. However, I once swore that I would devote myself to development, seriously engage in construction, not complain, not expect, not destroy the inline building of the gods, adhere to the leadership of the Jade Emperor, and build a harmonious paradise, a green paradise and a rational paradise with Theory of Three Represents Theory and Scientific Outlook on Development as weapons ... "
Jin Chan: Bah, you monkeys are seriously brainwashed! Forget it, since you don't want to complain, then I will stand up for you and definitely grab your seat!
The Monkey King: Little monk. ...
The golden cicada moves in an instant.
The Monkey King sighed: Few comrades in heaven are so enthusiastic ... but how can I ignore the overall situation because of my personal feelings?
( 12)
"The monkey hit! Save me. "
Half an hour later, the golden cicada teleported to the flat peach garden in the Monkey King.
The Monkey King: Don't worry, little monk. Take a sip of water first. You look sweaty. You just got back from Sanya, right? You can go to Sanya, but you can't go now. Where can I travel to Sanya in summer, although Sanya ...
Jin Chan: Stop nagging. Time is limited. Listen to me.-I'm in trouble!
The Monkey King: It's no big deal to correct mistakes. Now that you know that you are in trouble, it means that you have repented. The sea of misery is boundless, and you have turned back to shore. I am very happy.
Jin Chan: Don't interrupt, just hear me out-
The Monkey King: Well, it's really not a good habit to interrupt others. As high flyers who returned from studying abroad, if I don't even have this quality, I am ashamed of the cultivation of nine-year compulsory education. ...
Golden cicada: Hold the grass! I'm about to be struck by lightning, and you're interrupting!
The Monkey King: You told me. If you tell me that you were struck by lightning and burned to death, I will hear what happened. How can you take up your precious time? In an environment with plenty of time, it is actually a good way for you to understand my heart, but under special circumstances, such as now, it is really not good, so your suggestion is valuable. I decided to shorten my nagging time and listen to you first. After all, time is precious. Confucius said: time is money, time is …
Jin Chan: Hold the grass, you uncle! Just now, I felt wronged for you, pointing to the queen mother's nose and saying, why don't you invite the Monkey King? But the old lady said, who let you peek at my bath! The monkey smashed, and you peeked at the queen mother taking a bath? How can such a thing be done? To this end, I copied an airplane with them. Wukong is obviously a good comrade. He worked hard to grow peaches, apply pesticides, fertilize and catch insects ... He worked hard for you for half a year, but you didn't call him at a party. It was really unkind. I didn't expect the old ladies to say that he was a small civil servant with insufficient level. At that time, I got angry, lifted their tables, burned their curtains, touched their chicks and peed their royal wine! As a result, the Queen Mother got angry and said she would kill me! I came to see you.
Golden cicada son breath to say that finish, he can breath to say that finish, because first blocked the Monkey King's mouth with his feet.
When he took his foot off, the Monkey King said, Hey ... it's not easy to find a job after graduation. I'm sure I'll lose my job because of your nonsense. But your intention is good, I can understand, but you are obviously wrong to cause trouble. ...
Jin Chan: Hey, don't talk nonsense. Now they regard us as the same party. Either we turn ourselves in together or we fuck them.
The Monkey King: Then surrender. The so-called confession is lenient and resistance is strict. ...
Cicada: Hey, this mud can't help the wall. ...
The golden cicada suddenly picked up a shovel, shoveled all the peach trees in the flat peach garden by teleportation, and then teleported everywhere for 33 days. Drop it if you can, and hit it if you can.
( 13)
An hour later, the Monkey King and Jin Chan were tied up and hung upside down on the lightning platform. Lei Zhenzi and Huo Dexing were already in place, except for the Queen Mother's immediate execution.
Empress Dowager: the Monkey King, don't you have anything to say?
The Monkey King: I just want to say, don't be angry. Actually, it's not that complicated. The young monk is just impulsive, and the main responsibility lies with me. If I had controlled his emotions, he wouldn't have done anything stupid.
Empress Dowager: Jin Chan, do you have any last words to explain?
Golden cicada: Lie in the trough, your uncle.
Empress Dowager: Discharge!
The Monkey King: Wait! Fire at me. The young monk's defense is too poor. I caused all the disasters. I am willing to suffer for the young monk!
Empress Dowager: No, I mainly want to kill him! Lei Zhenzi, you got an electric shock.
"Put people under the electricity!" With a loud cry, I saw the western gongs and drums, the flags were closed and people were crowded. Tathagata took 500 arhats and/kloc-0,000,000 good men and women and immediately moved to Tianlei Station.
"Sister-in-law, for my sake, let Xiaojin go!" Tathagata
Empress Dowager: No, this grandson can't forgive me for watching me take a bath, smashing my body and shoveling my peach trees.
Tathagata: Xiaojin has always been timid. It must be behind this Po Hou. Hey, Po Hou, look at my Wuxing Mountain.
A mountain smashed the Monkey King into the world in an instant.
Jin Chan: I have been wronged. I don't know anything. It was the monkey who turned into me and vented his dissatisfaction in heaven! He is the one who peeked at the Queen Mother's bath, smashed the peach banquet, cut the telephone line, shoveled the peach tree and smashed the heavenly palace ... This monkey is too bad. Have you ever done political censorship in heaven? Do you know who his owner is? The founder of grapes-in our west, that's the head of a big cult! You also accept such people's apprentices. It's ... too dirty!
Empress Dowager: There is something wrong with this ... this program. You killed the client as soon as you came up, and now you just say it. ...
Tathagata: Hey, sister-in-law, killing 10,000 golden cicadas won't save your husband's heart. Tell you what, I'll give you two spells. ...
Empress Dowager: Damn ... you treat me like a child. Two curses want to erase the loss of our paradise. ...
Tathagata: Listen to me. One spell can make your husband love you forever, and another spell can make him stand up when you and your wife are doing ulterior motives. ...
Empress Dowager: Ahem-Tathagata, be serious!
Tathagata: Haha, you see?
Empress Dowager: the Monkey King and Po Hou, we didn't find out clearly either. This HR of Taibai Venus is so irresponsible. I want to punish this old man well!
Tathagata: Yes, my sister-in-law is a smart person. I'll ...
Empress Dowager: Ahem-let's chat privately on WeChat.
( 14)
Five hundred years later.
The Tang Priest is riding a fierce horse with a Buddhist monk's knife on his back, and a dragon looms on his arm.
The Monkey King, Pig and Friar Sand followed.
Bai Jingjing stood on the mountain 500 miles away and said emotionally, Jin, you have finally come!
She turned to the goblins and said, Your grandpa cicada is here. This time, I want you to witness our great friendship. Fire, water, oil and rope first! When you see him in the future, a welcome ceremony of punching and kicking is indispensable, but it's not your turn to kick your hips. Let me do it!
Black bear essence and jade-faced mouse essence saw the white circle of friends, and each left tears of joy.
Excerpted from the official account of WeChat: Little Demon Brother.