I have to say, in fact, I have never made such a confession to Nanfeng. I am eager to tell those arrogant love words to the south wind intact. But that day, I was drunk. I drank a little wine, and then I felt that the weight of my head became more and more unbearable. That day, in fact, what I said to Nanfeng was,
I feel like a dead shot now. Nanfeng, drunk, used to feel shot. I wasn't shot at all. Nanfeng, I'm sorry, my capacity for liquor is poor. '
But this is another story. Only two days after I first saw Nanfeng, my unexpected hospitalization time ended, but that woman named Nanfeng insisted on taking care of me for a few days, even because the gauze wrapped around my head could not reassure her.
Following the south wind, Tongcheng entered the hottest stage of that summer. The sun seems to hang only over Tongcheng every day, and it doesn't mean to go anywhere else. The hot weather makes the riverside park as deserted as a cemetery. On both sides of the park entrance, several clusters of unknown shrubs covered with spikes are blooming striking purple flowers. Every day when I am bored, I will be attracted by those purple flowers surrounded by flowers. I sat on the floor and leaned against the doorframe, marveling at the moment when those monsters with sharp mouths and fangs were dazzling. The south wind usually comes from that purple just after noon.
I clearly remember that the air at the far end of the field of vision kept shaking like worry. Nanfeng often approaches me in beige shorts slightly above the knee, and then casually wears a wide T-shirt. Sometimes she carries three or two oranges, and sometimes she is empty-handed. Her clothes don't seem to have been carefully selected to make my eyes shine, but I can still see every way she walks towards me.
So, what topics did we talk about in those days when the south wind slowly approached me against the pouring sunshine? -I can't remember. My memory is so regrettable. All the fragments that have happened and I didn't care at that time have disappeared in my mind like a city with a sudden power outage. Even though I spared no effort or even turned my back on my heart, I couldn't hear the slightest echo of my conversation with Nanfeng during that time, as if someone had deleted all our conversations at that time and then stuffed them into my memory with a vivid silent film as an unequal comfort.
No ... don't you think Nanfeng and I didn't have a memorable conversation during that time? Indeed, she always looked tired at that time. She likes to sit on my bony bamboo bed and stare at the sky with only a narrow window. Occasionally, the river wind rushing into the room will raise her golden hair back. When she is tired, she falls asleep. Her chest rises and falls evenly with breathing, and I try not to look at her inadvertently naked body. It seems that she has never said anything to me! But why, why, when I think of the scene where she untied the gauze on my forehead layer by layer and breathed gently into the wound, remembered that she paced up and down the room to tidy up my messy clothes, and remembered the awl-like eyes that she suddenly woke up from sleep and gave me, my mind buzzed like a bee colony?
That's right. At that time, Nanfeng told me about her hometown. She said that she returned to her childhood hometown in her dream! Yes, after sitting up on the bamboo bed, she put her arm over and turned her head to me. Her eyes were staring straight at the ground, and all the cleverness and light escaped from her eyes at that moment. A sudden kawakaze roared through the bamboo bed, clamoring for her green floral skirt that day, and then she carefully chose her words like walking alone on the ice:
"At that time, my home was by the sea. Although I can see Na Pianhai every day, every time I see him, it seems like the first time. My sister and I go to kindergarten arm in arm every day, and the big blue one lies next to me like a sleepy head. The waves kept covering the beach like layers of crystal quilts, and many stranded shrimps and crabs crawled blindly on the beach, which suddenly became lively. The sea breeze in the distance came at me with the smell of fresh tide, which was funny. At that time, I thought that the bubbles spit out by big fish and small fish in the sea had been broken before they gathered into a light salty taste of the tide. Then, in the early morning, under the sea breeze, chimneys began to raise smoke one after another in the village, and the blue smoke scattered by the sea breeze merged with the celadon clouds accumulated on the sea level. Soon, the blue porcelain cloud was covered by the glow at sunrise, and turned into velvet white, rouge red and oily egg yellow in turn. Finally, the golden light shines a kind of tranquility that can only be rested for generations, and it is sprinkled on the immature faces of my sister and me. My sister and I stopped to look at each other and smiled more happily. "
Speaking of which, the south wind stopped and asked me:
"Qinling, can you see the sea like that?"
The eyes of the south wind immediately came at me with the river wind coming in from the window. It seems that 10,000 hectares of dying crops are hungrily looking forward to a rain. Hungry eyes make me doubt myself: are these eyes from the same woman named Nanfeng as the awl?
I was startled.
I imagine things like' yes, I can see' and' it's beautiful, right in front of my eyes', hoping to bring some comfort to this woman in front of me. Unfortunately, my stuttering problem has reappeared. I feel my throat stuck with thick glue. The more I struggled to speak, the more I got lost in the first syllable.
It may be said that my intermittent stuttering seems to be an insurmountable obstacle for me to enter the positive world. Whenever I try to use language to help me open the door to WTO, whenever I decide to use language to win myself some value as a human being, it will appear as a ruthless rejector, leaving me in a speechless predicament. With the spread of silence, it will gradually wither and corrupt the positive world I expect to enter, and eventually lose patience and abandon me.
So I can only say to the south wind,
I'm sorry
No stuttering at all.
Today, I think back to this scene, and I have an epiphany in surprise: it was the first time that Nanfeng showed me the past she tried to bury. That south wind is real, and all the unknowns beneath her shine like lighthouses. At that time, I didn't respond to her true face and light, or at that moment, I was castrated by stuttering, and then I resolutely abandoned the south wind.
As a result, Nanfeng's body suddenly shrank at the moment I opened my mouth, but it only lasted for a short time. After a while, her shoulders were lifted like sails in the right direction, and she returned to her old appearance. After she rubbed her temples with her forefinger, I couldn't find any traces of the sleep and dreams she had just experienced. The clear cry of cicadas on the beech tree outside the window has continued from noon until now. In the distance came the whistle of a ship preparing to dock, and the sunset appeared.
"Why do you say sorry? You did nothing wrong. I never thought I would have such a dream again. I don't know whether Na Pianhai has already dried up. After all, I have been away from it for too long. But this sad temper is not like me. "
I smiled awkwardly.
The south wind continued.
"I want to go home tomorrow. My sister has come back from Australia, and I have to see her. Your injury will soon heal, but you can't be careless. Just like spinning! "
The next day, the south wind stopped coming. But the day before she left, she didn't mean to leave for a long time, but the night came earlier than before. Nanfeng suggested going to the park by the river.
After dark, the park became lively, and the river wind roared in my ear, but people's laughter enjoying the cool could still be heard everywhere. At the same time, the tiny steps of the crowd also clung to the ground, the moonlight dimly shone on the daisies and pea flowers on both sides of the path, and the swaying shadows cast by the tall beech trees intertwined on the path, making the endless path look particularly deep. Nanfeng and I walked in tandem on such a park path, but Nanfeng seemed indifferent to everything around us. She ran quickly in front of me, as if she was in a hurry to go somewhere or want to get rid of something. I don't know. We didn't speak, and she easily caught up with and passed the pedestrians, so I just wanted to follow her at a faster pace and try to keep my distance from her.
We soon walked out of the path that runs through the whole park, then turned back all the way along the pedestrian avenue next to the guardrail by the river, and then continued to walk along the farthest road from the river in the park in a larger circle. The easternmost part of the park is sparsely populated on weekdays. One side is a row of tall poplars, and the other side is planted with mature cycads and palm trees at intervals. There are no street lamps along the road. After the moonlight was blocked by the broad leaves of poplar, only half of the road was not fully reflected. I felt exhausted when I was halfway there. Fortunately, the south wind slowed down at this time. She stopped, then turned around and waited for me to come near. The moonlight shone on her cheek, and then a light appeared.
"It's really going too fast." Nanfeng said apologetically. After I calmed down a little, I walked on with her.
We walked side by side, and the pace became like normal walking. Nanfeng put his hands straight behind his back, and his face looked relaxed. Today, she pinned her right hair behind her ear with a delicate leaf-shaped hairpin, and there was a small mole on the earlobe of her right ear.
"Qinling, can you have a girl you like?" The south wind asked me.
"No." I answered subconsciously.
"Have you ever liked it? What type is she? I guess it must be the kind of person who speaks very gently and loves to laugh. " The south wind rolled its eyes smartly, showing a warm and confident look unabashedly.
Although I have no feeling about this curiosity for a long time, when Nanfeng asked me a series of questions expectantly, I couldn't help but see a girl's face in my mind. I compromised with the south wind and replied:
"I did have an experience in high school, but for people like me, it was just mediocre. People ask for trouble. " I suddenly stuttered. I really have reason to stutter, because that face was involved in a vague memory. After that meeting, I lost the ability to love her.
"Why do you say that-can you tell me something about it?" The south wind frowned and became more and more curious.
"Her name is early. An indelible scene is that she likes to wear a gray plaid coat in winter. By the way, she always wears a black knitted scarf. Indeed, she loves to laugh. In a running test, I hobbled at the finish line. My leg was exposed to the crowd like a scar, and in the end, I gradually heard the ridicule from the crowd. The students at the front of the team have finished the test with lesson plans. They smiled and waited at the finish line. They hold their heads high with a successful attitude and preach a kind of heroism inherent in teenagers. After a while, I was left with only 0 legs on the runway. Actually, I'm paralyzed I'm used to being laughed at for stuttering and type 0 legs. The mockers themselves have not changed its appearance, but the people who made it are constantly changing: from my first playmate in childhood to many classmates in my school days, and all the arrogant passers-by I will meet in my future life. But my echo with people and my feelings in this world have long been as weak as ants, haven't they? So when I reached the finish line, only physical fatigue bothered me, and nothing else. The students immediately dispersed with satisfaction. They waited for the moment when I hit the line, as if waiting for the scene where Hamlet stabbed his father in front of the screen. I don't care. "
"At this time, there was a ringing applause at the beginning of the runway. My cheeks burned like fire, because the applause obviously came from the front of the world I had never touched. It came straight at me, loud and solemn, and it scorched my heart. Chuchu stood upright on the edge of the yellow grass in winter. After making sure that I received her encouraging eyes, she slowly turned away. I looked at Chuchu's back for a long time, and Lei Ruocai saw the positive beauty from the world that has been playing hide-and-seek with me. "
"From then on, I missed Chuchu every day. Her smiling face and leaving figure make my night infinitely prolonged. Soon after, driven by both physiology and consciousness, I confessed to Chuchu. "
I hesitated here. Instead of observing the expression of the south wind, I paused and decided to finish it.
"One day, after studying at night, I ran to an alley where I had to go home for the first time and waited for the first time. An old incandescent lamp hangs high above my head. The winter night in the south was particularly cold that night, but I curled up and shivered. Soon, when I first arrived, her shoes hit the ground, and the clear and regular footsteps gradually approached me. I jumped out from under the faint street lamp and blocked her way. At first, she showed an uneasy look. Her plump cheeks twitched slightly in the shadow outside the street lamp. I hurriedly said:
Junior, I-I like you.
Say that finish, I solemnly bowed to Chu, waiting for her response. At first, I smiled with relief after seeing that I was in her way. A series of laughter is as clear as wind chimes. I seem to see it bypass me and bow down through the alley at the traffic lights. Shure is gone.
So you're still a stutterer. At first, he said that and walked away gently. "
"It is such a thing." I finally said.
At this time, the road with clear light and shadow in front of me and the south wind also came to an end. At the far end of the corner, black river waves surge in.
"What a thing!" Nanfeng is indignant for me. "The world is flawed, isn't it? But the physical defects are always magnified by the surface, while the acne in the mind is ignored. This is simply putting the cart before the horse! "
"Do you hate her? Hating is also right. What she said is worse than the kind of person who never reads books. " The south wind asked me.
At that time, I didn't know how to answer the south wind. The girl's unique self-confidence on Nanfeng's face seems to announce that the answer to this question is yes, that is, I must hate Chuchu, because I have every reason to hate her. As Nanfeng guessed, I did have the idea of becoming a tyrant again, but when I witnessed the wisdom and confidence on Nanfeng's face, I decided to lie:
"Don't hate, not for a minute. Everything can be forgiven from the terminal. "
This seems to be a lie with no reason and vague meaning. Such a lie makes me fall into an embarrassing situation of not knowing myself more and more. I seldom lie, although it is based on my silence.
The confidence of the south wind faded with lies. After a while, she smiled and said:
"What an elusive guy."
I don't think it matters, so I didn't pick up the south wind again. We walked side by side with the extension of the road and finally walked back to the wide sidewalk by the river. At this time, the night has completely risen from the ground in all directions, and a golden full moon is hanging in the sky more and more lonely, like a huge well. The light inside is like the bright world outside the wellhead, rippling with a kind of affinity charm. I looked up at the extraordinarily bright moon with nothing to do, while the south wind turned to look at the river in the distance behind me. The distant river shows endless visual sense because it is connected with the ocean, and the lights generated by several ships on the dark river are moving gently. At the end of this riverside avenue, there is a straight silvery white cement road extending into the river on the left. At the end of the road stands a perfect white lighthouse about 20 meters. The strong yellow light in the attic at the top of the lighthouse is directed at the river behind us.
I asked what Nanfeng was looking at.
"Just have a look. What can I see from a distance first? "
Nanfeng asked me with a smile.
"The night, the dark river, the faint lights on the ship ... and the lighthouse are nothing more than these." I replied.
"far more than that."
"eh? More than that? "
"yes. Have you ever heard the saying: it is our cognition of things that creates new things? " The south wind kept asking me questions.
This sentence is not incomprehensible, but I don't know how to answer it at the moment.
"You said that night, ships and lighthouses are objective individuals, but what I saw was the connection between them. What exists objectively is unreliable. Cognition is the only thing we can rely on, not things, because your observation will change it. "
"The river carries the boat, rendering the river at night. The boat recognizes the lighthouse and connects what you see with each other. You will see a brand-new story."
"Your angle is great!"
I really admire you. I think Nanfeng is a really elusive person. Sometimes she is melancholy, and sometimes she is as light as stepping on spring grass. Now I tell such a secret, I closed my hands and praised her:
"This really makes me shine at the moment. How did you see that? "
Nanfeng giggled at this, and the laughter sounded as light as velvet. At this time, the south wind harvested a handful of colorful candy like a child, and she said to me:
"It's a Buddha. The Buddha said that everything is illusory. If you don't meet each other, you will see the Tathagata. I believe. "
"Bitch, in this case, I'll tell you slowly later."
My answer is yes.
Then the south wind and I were silent for a while, until a magnificent river wind blew between our standing bodies. The south wind quickened her pace, and she jumped along the straight silver road leading to the lighthouse, and soon came to the lighthouse.
Nanfeng and I stood at both ends of this silvery white cement road, facing each other from afar. The sound of the river beating on the bank came to my ears intermittently. She looked very small when she walked away, and the moonlight seemed to flow slowly on her green floral dress that day. She didn't move for a long time, but stood in my direction, which made me wonder if she was looking at me from a distance. On the night of August, the riverside of Tongcheng still made me tremble a little. My thin T-shirt can no longer resist the cold. I started calling Nanfeng's name. In fact, I tried to persuade her to leave when she responded, but she seemed indifferent and didn't hear me, so I had to keep calling her names, one by one.
South wind-south wind!
I shouted louder and louder to make sure it was loud enough to drown out the hissing river wind, which of course became more and more difficult.
Finally, Nanfeng decided to come to me.
During the time when I was separated from the south wind, I recalled the scene of calling the south wind and the way she looked when she came to me countless times. Every time I think of it, I fall into a deeper quagmire of consciousness of' I don't know the south wind'. Nanfeng-Nanfeng, an unusual name, echoed in every reproduced picture from beginning to end like march of the volunteers. It bombarded my eardrum as clearly as the river beat the bank at that time, but when I tried to call this name to vanity alone again, it was difficult to say it. From then on, these two words have become' hope' stuck in my mouth in Pandora's box, and I can't call them as decisively as that time. -This is just the beginning, the sight of hell.
The south wind came at me, and along the silver cement road, her hands were wrapped behind her, and her long blond hair was tied into a ponytail, coming towards me. If the chill is not getting stronger and stronger, it must be that other mysterious factors have changed, which makes me lock my shoulders more and more. When the moonlight provided enough light for the clear presentation of her body outline, Nanfeng faded her long green floral dress, only later, Nanfeng faded her underwear at the same time, and she was exposed to the moonlight like an orange with all white attachments removed. During this time, she remained as calm as a migratory bird flying south. My eyes met the naked body of the south wind head-on, and I was afraid. What she ignored was the dark blue river facing me, which set off her bright naked body like a ghost.
"This is my Yangtze River, Qinling Mountain, and now it's yours!"
The south wind punched me, and at that moment, the south wind completely turned into a huge abyss-like unknown for me. The plump breasts, the darkness between my legs and the graceful curve of the woman I met for the first time expanded and contracted violently like the heartbeat of a riot. The moonlight was bright, but the darkness swarmed in front of me, which made me breathless, followed by a sense of dizziness. I thought about my stuttering and type 0 legs, which made me unable to enter the front of this world. At this time, there is no doubt that a new vulgar force rises between me and Nanfeng's naked body.
I ran away. This kind of escape seems to be an instinctive performance when I have a fresh aesthetic situation, a completely weak posture. I began to run away, regardless of the south wind, with exaggerated steps and extremely tight body. I escaped from the moonlight, the river, the nude, the space full of infinite possibilities for the growth of all things, and an unknown and beautiful south wind. In August, purple pea flowers flew silently behind me. When I finally ran back to the rental house, I bent down and vomited happily.
I haven't seen the south wind for a long time since that day. Soon after, the summer vacation was over.